ok, so james 2 talks about faith and action going hand in hand:
James 2:14-26 (ESV)
What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? [15] If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, [16] and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? [17] So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
[18] But someone will say, "You have faith and I have works." Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. [19] You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! [20] Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless? [21] Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar? [22] You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works; [23] and the Scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness"— and he was called a friend of God. [24] You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. [25] And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way? [26] For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.
(the first part of the chapter talks about not showing partiality to the rich and disregarding the poor.)
so i was in asheville last night, visiting my friend melissa, and i went to the college and career group at her church with her. it was good times. i can tell that these people really love Jesus and desire to be more sold-out to Him. they did a great job of welcoming me!
ok, so the pastor-guy was teaching out of james 2. he started at the beginning, saying how if we see a homeless guy, we shouldn't treat him any differently than a guy wearing a suit. point taken. then he went on to talk about faith and works, and how, if we really have true faith, we should be doing more actions, especially when it comes to serving the poor. it is foolish to call up the homeless shelter and say the same things as in v 16. so we should be out there, doing more. again, point taken. he pointed out, quite well, that we actually have to DO something. good intentions are not good enough. so i admit i was a little disappointed that he didn't say at the end, "ok, who is coming with me this saturday night to feed the homeless?" or something like that. action is of course needed, be we have to be intentional about action, too! we won't just decide (or most of us won't, at least) "well, i've got the evening free, i'll just ruck up at the soup kitchen to serve dinner tonight." if we are truly stepping out of our comfort zone (as the pastor suggested we need to do), 9 times in 10 that takes forethought and planning.
ok, here's the point of this post, the good stuff. i was in a james Bible study thru wildwood in the spring of '05. it was great, we really dissected this stuff!! and i'm sure this forthcoming thought was the intent with some of the questions we discussed, but somehow it went over my head. ok, here goes:
i was struck that this passage seems to me to be talking about actions born out of faith, not just good deeds we decide to do cos it's the right thing to do (like anyone can choose to do, and hopefully Christians do more often). i mean, i don't want to discount any of the 10 ideas the pastor gave of ways to help the poor and destitute, both in his church and community, but what about the 2 examples of abraham and rahab?
i don't think either abraham or rahab would have even come close to considering, or even conceiving the ideas to do what they did (begin to sacrifice a son, and risk her life to rescue 2 men of a rival nationality who are about to take over her hometown, respectively) without a clear understanding of who God really is! they had amazing faith in God! abraham KNEW his God could raise his son from the dead or provide a substitute sacrifice at the last minute (as God did) so that he would indeed be "the father of many nations". and rahab KNEW this God of caleb and joshua was a much greater God than any she served, and indeed mightier and more powerful than any ruler in her city that might object to her actions. therefore, since these 2 KNEW who this God was, they had faith in what He could do, and that He was worth more than the pain of killing your own son, or losing your life to save 2 strangers who were about to obliterate your way of life.
THIS is the kind of faith that inspires action! this is the kind of faith i want! i want to have such deep faith in who my God is, that He is my true provider, that i am willing to clean out my savings and give it to the poor, and every paycheck for a year, because i know my God can and will meet my physical and monetary needs. i want to BELIEVE that this is the God i serve that it is a given that i do things that look foolish to the world. or even other Christians! i don't think abraham would have been encouraged to sacrifice his son if he has discussed it with his best friend, or wife, first! if they knew what he were up to, i'm SURE they would have discouraged him.
so as much as we DO need faith and works, and works alone will not save you, i think this is simply a real definition of what faith is: faith in God that inspires seemingly drastic action. not just an intellectual ascent to the idea that Jesus died for my sins.
oh God! give me this faith! may i know You so well that i can exhibit this kind of faith! and above all, may You be glorified in the nations because of it!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
this is my self, on a piece of paper:
people skills - communication, customer service, compassion
detail oriented
strong problem solving skills - decisive and resourceful
flexible, "roll with the punches" attitude
positive - make things fun
organized and responsible
prioritize well
give direction but not control
laid back - latitude to have fun
pick out important things to be a stickler on
quick learner
good at languages
good sense of direction and navigator
love other cultures
a people person
practical - able to solve problems
low maintenance
not ethnocentric
adventurous
there. now if i lose this piece of paper (actually a "business reply mail" postcard for a magazine subscription) i'll still have my "self".
detail oriented
strong problem solving skills - decisive and resourceful
flexible, "roll with the punches" attitude
positive - make things fun
organized and responsible
prioritize well
give direction but not control
laid back - latitude to have fun
pick out important things to be a stickler on
quick learner
good at languages
good sense of direction and navigator
love other cultures
a people person
practical - able to solve problems
low maintenance
not ethnocentric
adventurous
there. now if i lose this piece of paper (actually a "business reply mail" postcard for a magazine subscription) i'll still have my "self".
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
for fun, from elaine:
------------------------------
FAVORITES
Animal? cat
Drink? diet dr Pepper
Month? june! closely followed by may
Juice? um, fruit punch? does that count? or v8 splash?
Favorite band? u2, but i'm a new(er) fan, so i'm not a complete freak about it (like some people i know, mda and bfb)
-----------------------------------------------------
HAVE YOU EVER
Broken a bone? nope
Come close to dying? i've felt like it... i was in a bad car crash when i was a kid
Been in a hot tub? yes, most recently in the alps. oh yeah.
Fallen asleep in school? definitely. at least once a semester in college, and a few times in high school
Fallen off your chair? yes
Saved AIM conversation? maybe a dozen times
Used someone? yup.
-------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT IS
Beside you? couch throw pillows
Last thing you ate? raisin bran crunch with 1% milk. and 2 mugs of coffee with peppermint mocha coffeemate. mmmmm. for more on this, see my previous(chronologically) /next(physically) post.
-------------------------------------
DO YOU
Believe in love at first sight? no. at least not yet.
Question yourself? yes, but i don't always get answers!
Who was the last person that called you? brian
Who makes you smile the most? joyful, fun times with good friends
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? contacts, when i can be bothered or have to drive
----------------------------------------------------------------
FINAL QUESTIONS
What did you do today? got up when heidi called, ate breakfast, read part of the paper, did the "subaru", checked email, talked to brian, chatted with matt, ordered photos online, repetitively checked subfinder, emptied the dishwasher, started to clean up Christmas stuff, wrote on this, not neccessarily in this order.
What car/truck do you wish to have? a honda civic hybrid. silver, please.
How many remote controls are in your house? 5? 3tvs, dvd, stereo.
--------------------------------------------------
LAST PERSON WHO
Saw/heard you cry? hmmm. probably scott, and megan was there, and maybe don.
Made you cry? scott, as usual. ;-)
You said "I love you" to? verbally, my mom? on her bday? i can't remember... i don't say it often. but in a chat convo, probably abbey, and in an email/post, i think courtney.
____________________________________________
EVER
Been to Hawaii? no, unfortunately!
Been to Canada? yes, crossed into windsor from detroit; and i'm definitely visiting christine in vancouver!
Been to Mexico? yes, spent a total of 2 months there, i think
Been to New York? once with my high school band, once with jessica
----------------------------------------------------
RANDOM
What book are you reading now? um, i finished 2 yesterday, and started "tuscany for beginners" last night
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? no, it would get thrown from the bed or kicked to the bottom
What's under your bed? empty shoe boxes, peanut butter, a couple of waterguns, and plenty of cobwebs.
Favorite sports to watch? um, the olympics?
Favorite Location? oh, geez. tasmania, norway, morocco, the cinque terre, in bed with my purring cat and a good book, running/jogging/walking the trails at seashore state park
Song that's stuck in your head right now? surprisingly none.
Have you ever been on radio/TV? yes, i was on the radio in australia. les took us americans to the public radio thing on top of the ... well, the tallest building and observation deck in melbourne where once a month the radio show broadcasts from there, so you can go up for free. so we went and were the people from farthest away, barring the group of americans from another uni who were celebrating their friend's bday with cocktails up there... so anyway, they greeted us on air and gave us door prizes. good times...
Have you ever been in a mosh-pit? yes, in high school, at some concerts i can't remember.
Your Favorite Food? chocolate, no doubt. ;-)
Favorite Flower? oy. um, beautiful ones? rare ones? not carnations... daffodils in the yard...
Have you ever fired a gun? no. but my dad makes sure to show his gun collection to any guy that comes in the house...
FAVORITES
Animal? cat
Drink? diet dr Pepper
Month? june! closely followed by may
Juice? um, fruit punch? does that count? or v8 splash?
Favorite band? u2, but i'm a new(er) fan, so i'm not a complete freak about it (like some people i know, mda and bfb)
-----------------------------------------------------
HAVE YOU EVER
Broken a bone? nope
Come close to dying? i've felt like it... i was in a bad car crash when i was a kid
Been in a hot tub? yes, most recently in the alps. oh yeah.
Fallen asleep in school? definitely. at least once a semester in college, and a few times in high school
Fallen off your chair? yes
Saved AIM conversation? maybe a dozen times
Used someone? yup.
-------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT IS
Beside you? couch throw pillows
Last thing you ate? raisin bran crunch with 1% milk. and 2 mugs of coffee with peppermint mocha coffeemate. mmmmm. for more on this, see my previous(chronologically) /next(physically) post.
-------------------------------------
DO YOU
Believe in love at first sight? no. at least not yet.
Question yourself? yes, but i don't always get answers!
Who was the last person that called you? brian
Who makes you smile the most? joyful, fun times with good friends
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? contacts, when i can be bothered or have to drive
----------------------------------------------------------------
FINAL QUESTIONS
What did you do today? got up when heidi called, ate breakfast, read part of the paper, did the "subaru", checked email, talked to brian, chatted with matt, ordered photos online, repetitively checked subfinder, emptied the dishwasher, started to clean up Christmas stuff, wrote on this, not neccessarily in this order.
What car/truck do you wish to have? a honda civic hybrid. silver, please.
How many remote controls are in your house? 5? 3tvs, dvd, stereo.
--------------------------------------------------
LAST PERSON WHO
Saw/heard you cry? hmmm. probably scott, and megan was there, and maybe don.
Made you cry? scott, as usual. ;-)
You said "I love you" to? verbally, my mom? on her bday? i can't remember... i don't say it often. but in a chat convo, probably abbey, and in an email/post, i think courtney.
____________________________________________
EVER
Been to Hawaii? no, unfortunately!
Been to Canada? yes, crossed into windsor from detroit; and i'm definitely visiting christine in vancouver!
Been to Mexico? yes, spent a total of 2 months there, i think
Been to New York? once with my high school band, once with jessica
----------------------------------------------------
RANDOM
What book are you reading now? um, i finished 2 yesterday, and started "tuscany for beginners" last night
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? no, it would get thrown from the bed or kicked to the bottom
What's under your bed? empty shoe boxes, peanut butter, a couple of waterguns, and plenty of cobwebs.
Favorite sports to watch? um, the olympics?
Favorite Location? oh, geez. tasmania, norway, morocco, the cinque terre, in bed with my purring cat and a good book, running/jogging/walking the trails at seashore state park
Song that's stuck in your head right now? surprisingly none.
Have you ever been on radio/TV? yes, i was on the radio in australia. les took us americans to the public radio thing on top of the ... well, the tallest building and observation deck in melbourne where once a month the radio show broadcasts from there, so you can go up for free. so we went and were the people from farthest away, barring the group of americans from another uni who were celebrating their friend's bday with cocktails up there... so anyway, they greeted us on air and gave us door prizes. good times...
Have you ever been in a mosh-pit? yes, in high school, at some concerts i can't remember.
Your Favorite Food? chocolate, no doubt. ;-)
Favorite Flower? oy. um, beautiful ones? rare ones? not carnations... daffodils in the yard...
Have you ever fired a gun? no. but my dad makes sure to show his gun collection to any guy that comes in the house...
thankful
i'm thankful for:
coffeemate peppermint mocha stuff to add to my coffee. i love this stuff and had to stock up at christmas time, since it's only a seasonal flavor.
xanga and it's automatic subscriptions. i love how my friends' updates are automatically sent to me, and they include a link back to the comments section. i was just thinking of how easy this made keeping in touch with my friends while i was overseas. next time i'm overseas, i need to make use of this more!
my car. it's mine. i can go where i want, when i want. even tho "ken" is a bit of a teenage punk sometimes.
having so many friends in oklahoma, the dallas area and along the way that it is hard to pick who to spend time with over the course of a week. i'm driving out for a wedding in less than 3 weeks, and it's so hard to choose!
my dear friends who are getting married in less than 3 weeks! i'm so excited for them, and both have been a huge blessing to my life. i don't think either one knows how much they mean to me! i am so delighted to be able to share in their joy!
first landing state park/seashore state park. i still call it seashore, even tho it's officially first landing now. but i love running/walking the trails out there. i don't love the parking fees, but sometimes it's worth it! i think my favorite is the osmanthus trail, which runs just about 3.5 miles from the car park, around the loop, and back. second is the bald cypress, which i was so happy to walk with my parents this past saturday when the weather was SO amazing!
my cat. oh, the joy he gives me. he is so cute! and sometimes, so obnoxious! like when, at 3am, he decides he wants to play, and therefore gets his toy, sits in the hall, and yowls his head off, trying to rouse us from sleep to play with him. oy. but ya gotta love him. well, i do, at least!
generous friends. i received one particularly generous gift for Christmas from a friend, and i am still blown away every time i think about it. i frequently enjoy this gift and am so grateful for it! it makes me wonder how much of a "gifts" person i am, in terms of the "love languages". "gifts" is my lowest category of the 5 (quality time is waaaay first, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and gifts). maybe it's higher than i used to think. maybe i just am able to receive love in all of the ways! but so many of my friends are generous, no matter what love language they operate in, and not always with me. i love that most of my friends are very quick to give of themselves and be unselfish in many ways... with their families, serving the poor/homeless/underprivileged, financially. wow. just thinking about it all makes me feel guilty, and rightly so. i need to get over myself more and quit being so selfish!
coffeemate peppermint mocha stuff to add to my coffee. i love this stuff and had to stock up at christmas time, since it's only a seasonal flavor.
xanga and it's automatic subscriptions. i love how my friends' updates are automatically sent to me, and they include a link back to the comments section. i was just thinking of how easy this made keeping in touch with my friends while i was overseas. next time i'm overseas, i need to make use of this more!
my car. it's mine. i can go where i want, when i want. even tho "ken" is a bit of a teenage punk sometimes.
having so many friends in oklahoma, the dallas area and along the way that it is hard to pick who to spend time with over the course of a week. i'm driving out for a wedding in less than 3 weeks, and it's so hard to choose!
my dear friends who are getting married in less than 3 weeks! i'm so excited for them, and both have been a huge blessing to my life. i don't think either one knows how much they mean to me! i am so delighted to be able to share in their joy!
first landing state park/seashore state park. i still call it seashore, even tho it's officially first landing now. but i love running/walking the trails out there. i don't love the parking fees, but sometimes it's worth it! i think my favorite is the osmanthus trail, which runs just about 3.5 miles from the car park, around the loop, and back. second is the bald cypress, which i was so happy to walk with my parents this past saturday when the weather was SO amazing!
my cat. oh, the joy he gives me. he is so cute! and sometimes, so obnoxious! like when, at 3am, he decides he wants to play, and therefore gets his toy, sits in the hall, and yowls his head off, trying to rouse us from sleep to play with him. oy. but ya gotta love him. well, i do, at least!
generous friends. i received one particularly generous gift for Christmas from a friend, and i am still blown away every time i think about it. i frequently enjoy this gift and am so grateful for it! it makes me wonder how much of a "gifts" person i am, in terms of the "love languages". "gifts" is my lowest category of the 5 (quality time is waaaay first, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and gifts). maybe it's higher than i used to think. maybe i just am able to receive love in all of the ways! but so many of my friends are generous, no matter what love language they operate in, and not always with me. i love that most of my friends are very quick to give of themselves and be unselfish in many ways... with their families, serving the poor/homeless/underprivileged, financially. wow. just thinking about it all makes me feel guilty, and rightly so. i need to get over myself more and quit being so selfish!
Monday, January 01, 2007
i LOVE running in the rain!!
oh, so many thoughts i want to post... here's hoping i can remember them and convey them in a comprehensible way!
ok, first, a vent/make-fun session: my neighbor's Christmas display! it's hideous! they have white icicle lights that are strung along the front of the house. that's fine. problem: ONE 3ft section flashes on and off. ON TOP OF THAT, they have big colored bulbs all along the same stretch, all across the front of the house. pick one or the other, people! and of those big colored lights, about half, a random half, flash at their own convenience. none of the cute (nauseating) "chasing" lights, nothing like every other light flashing, just a few lights. then, in the bushes by the front door, they have a HUGE plastic sno-globe thing. oy! and, because the guy used to be in the coast guard, they have switched out their front door entry lights to red and green, keeping with "red, right, returning".... what a waterman! so, that's the scoop from my tacky neighbors. but that said, they do keep really good care of their lawn. embarrassing to us, the ones who can barely remember to mow the lawn every other week in summer. ;-)
ok, so i like running in the rain. i think i've mentioned that before, but it is so true! especially on new year's day, in 70 degrees. in the rain. so fun. thank You, God, that i can do that! not that the 70 degrees will stick around, but it's here now! ahhhhh...
before boot camp, i didn't like running at all. then during boot camp, i hated all the other stuff we had to do that running became an "escape". i mean that i loved it when we were running, cos it meant that we weren't doing a million situps or pushups or leg lifts. so i do like to run now. i don't do it often... that was the first time i've been running since before Christmas, i think. i have done some walking, too, but still... it's not a regular thing in my life. i should be better at that.
i also like running because it feels really empowering. or something. i like the challenge of keeping going (i often stop to walk anyway), but i like the fact that i can see endurance in action. and i KNOW i will see results if i make myself keep going. it's a very tangible way for me to practice endurance, esp when i know i need it many other areas of my life. i also like that i really feel good while running. i know i'm accomplishing something, and i know it's good for me, and if nothing else, it gets me out of the house. today, in particular, i felt like i could do anything. an awesome feeling, especially since, these days, i live in a rather depressed mood, where i feel like life will never change and my life is wasting away.
so while i was running, i was thinking about life, 1830, lots of things. and i came to some definitive ideas.
i don't want my life to waste away. i don't know where i am headed, or how long i will be here, but that doesn't mean i have an excuse to sit on my rear all day. it is much more comfortable to do so, but i shouldn't.
i have been thinking about 1830 and where it's going and how to get people to take ownership of it. i have been realizing that i haven't been taking initiative or really investing myself, and then i realized that it seems not many others have, either. is that ok? where is 1830 going? what is its purpose? do people really have to take ownership of it for it to fulfill its purpose? if it is going to grow into a "mega-ministry", or a leading young adult ministry in hampton roads, yes, a lot more people need to invest a lot more into it. we can't do anything like that with the level of leadership and commitment we have currently. and i am certainly not trying to blame the leadership team or guilt trip any of them, i am just as guilty. and i don't know everyone's hearts or intentions, but i do know that some people legitimately cannot commit any more time and energy to 1830, which is ok. or if they can, but choose not to, sometimes that is also the better choice. which also leads me to think: what are we really trying to do? is it ok to keep going with where we are? i think it may be, but it may not be. i know we need to trust God with this one, and follow Him wherever He leads. if He leads us to grow and expand (whatever that looks like, people, depth, relationships, meetings, a service... whatever), it will be His plan, and He will show us, if we are searching for Him. i just don't know.
i was also thinking about an older married couple i know. she admitted that she married her husband because she thought he would get rich. he didn't. but that's because they both became Christians and God had other plans for them, that didn't include as much personal ambition and greed. but i'm sure she would have not been able to foresee but a tiny fraction of what the rest of her life would look like as she was contemplating marrying her future husband. so even tho i am already a Christian and don't forsee any MAJOR direction/values/perspective changes that changing religions would bring, i know i am only 23 and i have the rest of my life ahead of me. and if that woman were a Christian when she married, she STILL would not have been able to see what the rest of her life would look like. i'm sure she has changed a LOT since she was 24 and contemplating marrying this guy, and i am sure he has changed a whole lot, too. not to mention life changes happen, and life just doesn't ever look like we think it will.
so the thought i kept coming to was that i HAVE to trust God with my future. i could meet a guy, get to know him over 5 years, think i know him pretty well and have what i think is a pretty good picture of what my life would be like if i married him, but really, i have NO CLUE. i can't tell the future, i have to trust God with all big decisions. and i'm not always a good judge of even what constitutes a "big decision". so even with that, i have to trust God. i have to trust that He CAN see the future, that He does have good things for me, and that He will not lead me astray. with decisions from who to marry (not an issue right now, don't worry) to what job do i get, or where do i live, all of these things will carry consequences and repercussions i can't even begin to imagine. so i have to trust God with them. i have to seek Him and His will, not trusting my own decision making skills, but Him.
so all of this has been sifting thru my head, and leads to some interesting answers to the question: what's next?
well, i don't know. but i know that i can't trust my own assumptions and ideas about what is good for me. as much as i really REALLY REALLY REALLY want the intrepid travel tour guide job, i have no idea if that really is best for me. everyone i talk to says i would be great at the job, and it certainly satisfies my adventurous side and my love for travel, but who knows? not me. so in the long run, i really do want what is best for me, not what i want momentarily. and as discussed above, i don't know what that is, but i can trust that God does and will show me. so i don't know about the intrepid job. and i really don't want to stay here in hampton roads, and i don't even really want to live in america at all, but if that is best, then so be it. and if i do have to stay in hampton roads, i really want a job that i will actually enjoy, instead of dread getting up every day. and i also really don't want to live at home anymore, either. but again... inshallah!
so i am realizing that i really need to pray a lot more for my life's direction and hearing God's voice more clearly. i want to trust Him more, especially with His timing. cos in the meantime, it really sucks and i get really impatient. but i need to surrender the whole intrepid thing (cos it's not really in my hands, anyway), and be open to things that i personally don't currently want. i need to be ok if i am supposed to still live at home and sub. as much as i dread that, if that is REALLY where God wants me, and He has my best in mind, i need to have a better attitude about it all.
on the other side of that, even if i am moving away (PLEASE, God!!), that doesn't give me an excuse to crap out on life right now. i can't keep sitting on my couch watching reruns of not funny comedies just cos i'm too lazy to do anything else. this is big for me to admit to, cos obviously this is the hardest thing for me currently. part of that is that i DO want to be an active part of the 1830 leadership, whatever direction it goes. i also have been shying away from the "3rd sunday service" discussion at kpc, thinking i won't be around for the consequences, so why bother? plus, i don't agree with a lot of kpc stuff, and i don't want to submit myself to things i don't agree with. but. i felt like the description that nate gave this past sunday was a little different from what i'd been hearing previously. not that it was said any different, but i think my heart was in a different place to receive the idea. so i think i will be going to the meeting this sunday that discusses the option. i don't like the way church looks right now, so it will be interesting to see how things are different with this service. and as much as i hate going to church on sunday morning, going sunday night probably can't be any worse. and i may be able to give input that makes it different. maybe.
so, i think those are my ramblings for this new year's day. thank God for grace and a change of heart that allows a change of perspective!
ok, first, a vent/make-fun session: my neighbor's Christmas display! it's hideous! they have white icicle lights that are strung along the front of the house. that's fine. problem: ONE 3ft section flashes on and off. ON TOP OF THAT, they have big colored bulbs all along the same stretch, all across the front of the house. pick one or the other, people! and of those big colored lights, about half, a random half, flash at their own convenience. none of the cute (nauseating) "chasing" lights, nothing like every other light flashing, just a few lights. then, in the bushes by the front door, they have a HUGE plastic sno-globe thing. oy! and, because the guy used to be in the coast guard, they have switched out their front door entry lights to red and green, keeping with "red, right, returning".... what a waterman! so, that's the scoop from my tacky neighbors. but that said, they do keep really good care of their lawn. embarrassing to us, the ones who can barely remember to mow the lawn every other week in summer. ;-)
ok, so i like running in the rain. i think i've mentioned that before, but it is so true! especially on new year's day, in 70 degrees. in the rain. so fun. thank You, God, that i can do that! not that the 70 degrees will stick around, but it's here now! ahhhhh...
before boot camp, i didn't like running at all. then during boot camp, i hated all the other stuff we had to do that running became an "escape". i mean that i loved it when we were running, cos it meant that we weren't doing a million situps or pushups or leg lifts. so i do like to run now. i don't do it often... that was the first time i've been running since before Christmas, i think. i have done some walking, too, but still... it's not a regular thing in my life. i should be better at that.
i also like running because it feels really empowering. or something. i like the challenge of keeping going (i often stop to walk anyway), but i like the fact that i can see endurance in action. and i KNOW i will see results if i make myself keep going. it's a very tangible way for me to practice endurance, esp when i know i need it many other areas of my life. i also like that i really feel good while running. i know i'm accomplishing something, and i know it's good for me, and if nothing else, it gets me out of the house. today, in particular, i felt like i could do anything. an awesome feeling, especially since, these days, i live in a rather depressed mood, where i feel like life will never change and my life is wasting away.
so while i was running, i was thinking about life, 1830, lots of things. and i came to some definitive ideas.
i don't want my life to waste away. i don't know where i am headed, or how long i will be here, but that doesn't mean i have an excuse to sit on my rear all day. it is much more comfortable to do so, but i shouldn't.
i have been thinking about 1830 and where it's going and how to get people to take ownership of it. i have been realizing that i haven't been taking initiative or really investing myself, and then i realized that it seems not many others have, either. is that ok? where is 1830 going? what is its purpose? do people really have to take ownership of it for it to fulfill its purpose? if it is going to grow into a "mega-ministry", or a leading young adult ministry in hampton roads, yes, a lot more people need to invest a lot more into it. we can't do anything like that with the level of leadership and commitment we have currently. and i am certainly not trying to blame the leadership team or guilt trip any of them, i am just as guilty. and i don't know everyone's hearts or intentions, but i do know that some people legitimately cannot commit any more time and energy to 1830, which is ok. or if they can, but choose not to, sometimes that is also the better choice. which also leads me to think: what are we really trying to do? is it ok to keep going with where we are? i think it may be, but it may not be. i know we need to trust God with this one, and follow Him wherever He leads. if He leads us to grow and expand (whatever that looks like, people, depth, relationships, meetings, a service... whatever), it will be His plan, and He will show us, if we are searching for Him. i just don't know.
i was also thinking about an older married couple i know. she admitted that she married her husband because she thought he would get rich. he didn't. but that's because they both became Christians and God had other plans for them, that didn't include as much personal ambition and greed. but i'm sure she would have not been able to foresee but a tiny fraction of what the rest of her life would look like as she was contemplating marrying her future husband. so even tho i am already a Christian and don't forsee any MAJOR direction/values/perspective changes that changing religions would bring, i know i am only 23 and i have the rest of my life ahead of me. and if that woman were a Christian when she married, she STILL would not have been able to see what the rest of her life would look like. i'm sure she has changed a LOT since she was 24 and contemplating marrying this guy, and i am sure he has changed a whole lot, too. not to mention life changes happen, and life just doesn't ever look like we think it will.
so the thought i kept coming to was that i HAVE to trust God with my future. i could meet a guy, get to know him over 5 years, think i know him pretty well and have what i think is a pretty good picture of what my life would be like if i married him, but really, i have NO CLUE. i can't tell the future, i have to trust God with all big decisions. and i'm not always a good judge of even what constitutes a "big decision". so even with that, i have to trust God. i have to trust that He CAN see the future, that He does have good things for me, and that He will not lead me astray. with decisions from who to marry (not an issue right now, don't worry) to what job do i get, or where do i live, all of these things will carry consequences and repercussions i can't even begin to imagine. so i have to trust God with them. i have to seek Him and His will, not trusting my own decision making skills, but Him.
so all of this has been sifting thru my head, and leads to some interesting answers to the question: what's next?
well, i don't know. but i know that i can't trust my own assumptions and ideas about what is good for me. as much as i really REALLY REALLY REALLY want the intrepid travel tour guide job, i have no idea if that really is best for me. everyone i talk to says i would be great at the job, and it certainly satisfies my adventurous side and my love for travel, but who knows? not me. so in the long run, i really do want what is best for me, not what i want momentarily. and as discussed above, i don't know what that is, but i can trust that God does and will show me. so i don't know about the intrepid job. and i really don't want to stay here in hampton roads, and i don't even really want to live in america at all, but if that is best, then so be it. and if i do have to stay in hampton roads, i really want a job that i will actually enjoy, instead of dread getting up every day. and i also really don't want to live at home anymore, either. but again... inshallah!
so i am realizing that i really need to pray a lot more for my life's direction and hearing God's voice more clearly. i want to trust Him more, especially with His timing. cos in the meantime, it really sucks and i get really impatient. but i need to surrender the whole intrepid thing (cos it's not really in my hands, anyway), and be open to things that i personally don't currently want. i need to be ok if i am supposed to still live at home and sub. as much as i dread that, if that is REALLY where God wants me, and He has my best in mind, i need to have a better attitude about it all.
on the other side of that, even if i am moving away (PLEASE, God!!), that doesn't give me an excuse to crap out on life right now. i can't keep sitting on my couch watching reruns of not funny comedies just cos i'm too lazy to do anything else. this is big for me to admit to, cos obviously this is the hardest thing for me currently. part of that is that i DO want to be an active part of the 1830 leadership, whatever direction it goes. i also have been shying away from the "3rd sunday service" discussion at kpc, thinking i won't be around for the consequences, so why bother? plus, i don't agree with a lot of kpc stuff, and i don't want to submit myself to things i don't agree with. but. i felt like the description that nate gave this past sunday was a little different from what i'd been hearing previously. not that it was said any different, but i think my heart was in a different place to receive the idea. so i think i will be going to the meeting this sunday that discusses the option. i don't like the way church looks right now, so it will be interesting to see how things are different with this service. and as much as i hate going to church on sunday morning, going sunday night probably can't be any worse. and i may be able to give input that makes it different. maybe.
so, i think those are my ramblings for this new year's day. thank God for grace and a change of heart that allows a change of perspective!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
