i've been home for 2 years now. well, "home". i came back for the holidays in 2005 because both my sisters with boyfriends would be here for thanksgiving. my dad thought it would be nice to have all 3 of us home, so he bought my plane ticket home, but didn't know when to buy it going back for. it ended up that i used it a year later to go back to oklahoma for rachel's wedding upon returning from europe. so "home for the holidays" and now i've been here 2 years.
in a lot of ways i feel like nothing has changed and i've just been stuck here, forced to eek out an existence that is NOTHING like i had hoped, dreamed, or planned. or was in my mindset of living at all. hmmm... i hadn't really planned to stop and "take stock", but here i am, anyway...
i know that i'm not the same. my heart is a lot colder and more selfish in a lot of ways. i've been living alone, in a lot of ways, and i certainly don't have roommates of a normal sense. i'm probably much more cynical, pessimistic and jaded. i don't trust easily. it's hard for me to get excited for friends sometimes, because i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. i guess that's partially because a lot situations and people have turned out not to be as i thought they were. sometimes that is because sin comes in and takes root, and sometimes it is because that is just the will of God. which is/was shattering because i thought things WERE the will of God that turned out so much differently than my comprehension could imagine. i understand, logically, that it's all for good in the end, but i don't understand it. at least not this side of heaven, not yet.
if i had known i'd be living at home for 2 years+, i don't think i would have come. if i had known a year ago i'd still be here now, i'd have tried a lot harder to leave. i was just certain that i would get one of the jobs i applied for that i was so excited about, then so crushed when i didn't get them (months down the road).
i know i've changed in good ways. my understanding of the world and my place in it is better, i think. i'm more socially aware, more culturally aware, and i know myself better. i've been to 11 more countries, 2 others again, and seen 7 more states. my circle of friends is almost entirely new. i've kept up some old friendships and more a few more on my journeys. i have health care now.
i have more/different hopes and dreams, too, which includes a lot more travel and seminary. even looking at it now, i'm not excited to spend another 9 months here. (have i mentioned how i don't like va beach that much?!) i've depressed myself again thinking of all this stuff, but then again, i was a bit glum when i even turned my computer on.
i guess i'm still hoping for something to change, but realizing i'm in for another marathon. better hang on for the long haul.
on another note, i intended to mention in my last post that i opened the gifts michelle and lee got me. a got 2 pairs of really good hiking socks and a water purifier system to use in the back country, so that'a pretty sweet. and something i probably would have thought she were crazy to get me 2 years ago, but now i think is awesome.
on yet another note, i ran into an old friend at church today, helena. i met helena at house church in oklahoma. she attended college in a town about an hour from where i lived, but came with a friend who was high school friends with a girl in our house church. she is also originally from va beach, and ended up attending the same church and house church i went to while at OU. now she is in grad school here in town in the same program as jenny, a friend of mine from high school that i go to church with now. so helena came to church with jenny today. small world, eh? i love this stuff!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
thanksgiving and Christmas! (part 1)
so the fam is in town. and my computer is hijacked. it's the only one downstairs, so i've escaped to use one of the 2 upstairs, in my dad's office. hehehe.
we celebrated thanksgiving yesterday, hosting crystal and judy as well. good times were had by all! judy's cornbread was a hit, and crystal's key lime pie was the first gone. we've been enjoying leftovers for a few meals now!
so today was Christmas. we pulled down the boxes from the attic, decorated the house and set up the fake tree. we didn't decorate it (gotta save something for grandmother to do when she comes and is bored!), nor did we bring in "allen", the norfolk island pine. he'll probably make his winter home in the living room starting tonite, however, since we're expecting our first freeze of the year.
in college football, lee was ecstatic for texas a&m's win over texas, as was i. anytime texas loses, i'm all for it! and lsu was beat by arkansas, which was another huge upset! woohoo!! it just levels the playing field in the bcs. what a year! now for ou to top osu tomorrow...
i've SO enjoyed a few days off work. i did go in today to buy an advent calendar. woohoo! chocolate, every day! i also went in for 3 hrs yesterday which wasn't so bad. but i am not looking forward to going in tomorrow. i'm not necessarily dreading it, but it's the first time that i'm less than ambivalent about going to work. ugh.
we celebrated thanksgiving yesterday, hosting crystal and judy as well. good times were had by all! judy's cornbread was a hit, and crystal's key lime pie was the first gone. we've been enjoying leftovers for a few meals now!
so today was Christmas. we pulled down the boxes from the attic, decorated the house and set up the fake tree. we didn't decorate it (gotta save something for grandmother to do when she comes and is bored!), nor did we bring in "allen", the norfolk island pine. he'll probably make his winter home in the living room starting tonite, however, since we're expecting our first freeze of the year.
in college football, lee was ecstatic for texas a&m's win over texas, as was i. anytime texas loses, i'm all for it! and lsu was beat by arkansas, which was another huge upset! woohoo!! it just levels the playing field in the bcs. what a year! now for ou to top osu tomorrow...
i've SO enjoyed a few days off work. i did go in today to buy an advent calendar. woohoo! chocolate, every day! i also went in for 3 hrs yesterday which wasn't so bad. but i am not looking forward to going in tomorrow. i'm not necessarily dreading it, but it's the first time that i'm less than ambivalent about going to work. ugh.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
restless, again...
in the last 36 hours, i've become incredibly restless again.
partially because i'm tired of this season of life. this time, however, i recognize that it is because i don't want to be in the refining fire anymore. there are a couple things in my personality that in many ways are huge plusses, if kept in check. which is a big "if" for me. and because of my personality, don't WANT to do. but that is (at least part of) the reason for this season of where i work and who i hang out with. well, the people around me in general.
part of my restlessness is that i've never done the same thing for more than 6 months. that is, what i do for a majority of my week. (i've been involved in some groups and activities that happened once or twice a week, max, for years on end. but those things don't ever constitute most of my day). not since high school. college semesters were 4-5 months, summers were 2-4 months, BFBC was 5 months, worked in a school for 5 months, a law office for 2 months, traveled for 2 months, subbed for 3 more months, and now i've been at the bux for almost 8 months. i may have mentioned this before, but it's kinda huge for me. that's mostly because i get bored with whatever it is i'm doing (and as for semesters, let's just say i'm SO glad college works on the semester (or quarter).
have i mentioned that i don't always do well with people? i LOVE quality time with people i love, and i will get lonely if i'm by myself for more than a day or 2 at a time. but in close quarters, i get sick of people pretty quickly. i'm sure some of that is based on being raised as an only child. my sisters are 8 and 10 years older than me, so i never really had to learn to share with them. (and they didn't really have to share with me, which is why my sister is so messy in the bathroom when she comes to visit!) my patience doesn't last very long.
i know that eventually, when i live in another country, i will have to get over these things. there will be millions of people who don't believe in personal space, or being alone, or introverts. so if i learn to get over these things now, all the better. ugh. another uphill battle.
i've also been restless because i got the latest issue of national geographic adventure. there are so many amazing pictures of places i'd love to see, so many awesome people doing inspiring things, and too many cool places to experience. another cool thing is that i know (ok, i've met) one of the guys highlighted in this month's issue, tim cope. his dad (andrew cope) taught my "experiencing the australian landscape" (aka "camping for credit") class when i spent a semester in australia. his dad talked about his son some, and tim came to class one day and shared about his biggest trip by that point, riding a bike from the eastern side of russia across siberia and mongolia to china. he then talked about being an expedition leader on tourist trips to antarctica, and then rowing a row boat 4500km across siberia to the arctic ocean. he talked about his dream, which apparently he has nearly finished... riding a horse on the route genghis khan took. from mongolia to hungary. for serious. pretty ridiculous, right? wow.
i've taken to saving photos that inspire me, that i aspire to see in person one day. so far, i've got a photo of camping somewhere in alaska (i'm sure it says, but i can't remember and can't be bothered to go get it out) and an ad for a tour company that shows a group of about 12 in a zodiac next to an orca's fin in the water. perhaps both of them will be accomplished the same trip? it's kind of funny. prior to 14 months ago, i had zero ambition to see alaska. some friends of mine honeymooned there, and i thought they were crazy (if you're reading this, sorry! ;-)). now i know they had the right idea! i think seeing the fjords of norway and realizing there is similar scenery in my own country led me to this place. now it's on my list of top destinations. perhaps the show "men in trees" has kept this dream near the top of my list (tho i think it's filmed in canada). ;-)
partially because i'm tired of this season of life. this time, however, i recognize that it is because i don't want to be in the refining fire anymore. there are a couple things in my personality that in many ways are huge plusses, if kept in check. which is a big "if" for me. and because of my personality, don't WANT to do. but that is (at least part of) the reason for this season of where i work and who i hang out with. well, the people around me in general.
part of my restlessness is that i've never done the same thing for more than 6 months. that is, what i do for a majority of my week. (i've been involved in some groups and activities that happened once or twice a week, max, for years on end. but those things don't ever constitute most of my day). not since high school. college semesters were 4-5 months, summers were 2-4 months, BFBC was 5 months, worked in a school for 5 months, a law office for 2 months, traveled for 2 months, subbed for 3 more months, and now i've been at the bux for almost 8 months. i may have mentioned this before, but it's kinda huge for me. that's mostly because i get bored with whatever it is i'm doing (and as for semesters, let's just say i'm SO glad college works on the semester (or quarter).
have i mentioned that i don't always do well with people? i LOVE quality time with people i love, and i will get lonely if i'm by myself for more than a day or 2 at a time. but in close quarters, i get sick of people pretty quickly. i'm sure some of that is based on being raised as an only child. my sisters are 8 and 10 years older than me, so i never really had to learn to share with them. (and they didn't really have to share with me, which is why my sister is so messy in the bathroom when she comes to visit!) my patience doesn't last very long.
i know that eventually, when i live in another country, i will have to get over these things. there will be millions of people who don't believe in personal space, or being alone, or introverts. so if i learn to get over these things now, all the better. ugh. another uphill battle.
i've also been restless because i got the latest issue of national geographic adventure. there are so many amazing pictures of places i'd love to see, so many awesome people doing inspiring things, and too many cool places to experience. another cool thing is that i know (ok, i've met) one of the guys highlighted in this month's issue, tim cope. his dad (andrew cope) taught my "experiencing the australian landscape" (aka "camping for credit") class when i spent a semester in australia. his dad talked about his son some, and tim came to class one day and shared about his biggest trip by that point, riding a bike from the eastern side of russia across siberia and mongolia to china. he then talked about being an expedition leader on tourist trips to antarctica, and then rowing a row boat 4500km across siberia to the arctic ocean. he talked about his dream, which apparently he has nearly finished... riding a horse on the route genghis khan took. from mongolia to hungary. for serious. pretty ridiculous, right? wow.
i've taken to saving photos that inspire me, that i aspire to see in person one day. so far, i've got a photo of camping somewhere in alaska (i'm sure it says, but i can't remember and can't be bothered to go get it out) and an ad for a tour company that shows a group of about 12 in a zodiac next to an orca's fin in the water. perhaps both of them will be accomplished the same trip? it's kind of funny. prior to 14 months ago, i had zero ambition to see alaska. some friends of mine honeymooned there, and i thought they were crazy (if you're reading this, sorry! ;-)). now i know they had the right idea! i think seeing the fjords of norway and realizing there is similar scenery in my own country led me to this place. now it's on my list of top destinations. perhaps the show "men in trees" has kept this dream near the top of my list (tho i think it's filmed in canada). ;-)
Sunday, November 18, 2007
ah, a quick update
ok, i forgot what i posted on last month! a few updates:
A: still involved (a bit reluctantly), but i have reached a balance that gives me peace
B: is great. loving it. realized that A and B are NOT mutually exclusive, and that's ok. it's hard sometimes, but it's "home"
C: not happening. well, in its structured form it's not happening, but i'm learning ways to make it happen on my own time, with a little self-discipline.
D: still hasn't happened. don't know if it will or not, or if it should or not. but i'm ok hanging in the balance for now.
E: a good thing, even if it changes. can't and won't give up now, and that's a good thing. ;-)
Jesus has been good in clarifying in my heart what is important and what is fluff. sometimes fluff is good, but it's not what life is made of. and in the meantime, He's given me a lot of peace. things are not completely settled, but i'm ok with the process for now. thanks for your prayers and words of encouragement! they mean a lot to me!
A: still involved (a bit reluctantly), but i have reached a balance that gives me peace
B: is great. loving it. realized that A and B are NOT mutually exclusive, and that's ok. it's hard sometimes, but it's "home"
C: not happening. well, in its structured form it's not happening, but i'm learning ways to make it happen on my own time, with a little self-discipline.
D: still hasn't happened. don't know if it will or not, or if it should or not. but i'm ok hanging in the balance for now.
E: a good thing, even if it changes. can't and won't give up now, and that's a good thing. ;-)
Jesus has been good in clarifying in my heart what is important and what is fluff. sometimes fluff is good, but it's not what life is made of. and in the meantime, He's given me a lot of peace. things are not completely settled, but i'm ok with the process for now. thanks for your prayers and words of encouragement! they mean a lot to me!
life, continued
so i finished my fuller app this week, thank goodness!! i am glad to have it done! i'd been "working" on it for a month and a half. i sent off the transcript request, asked 3 people to be my references, wrote my essays, and paid my $75.
my boss is leaving as of jan 1. that could be good or bad. we will miss her, for sure!
my sister and bro-in-law arrive tomorrow for 5 days for thanksgiving. that should be good. i got my work schedule switched a bit so i'll have more time with them.
2 friends are joining my family for thanksgiving dinner. i'm excited about that! i'm going to a thanksgiving dinner tonite with my community group. i'm pretty excited about that, too. i baked a caramel apple pie and mint brownies. yum! i love to bake and am thankful for the reason! the whole potluck-thanksgiving-among-friends reminds me of my meteorology days, and the "movie night" gang doing the same. good times.
i'm craving more adventure. i want to travel more. i am going to nyc with my mom in 2 weeks, but she's never been, so i'm leaving most of it up to her, letter her choose what we do. hmmm... more adventure, more adventure...
that's about it for the moment.
so i'll leave you with the lyrics to jeremy riddle's "sweetly broken":
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
Chorus:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
my boss is leaving as of jan 1. that could be good or bad. we will miss her, for sure!
my sister and bro-in-law arrive tomorrow for 5 days for thanksgiving. that should be good. i got my work schedule switched a bit so i'll have more time with them.
2 friends are joining my family for thanksgiving dinner. i'm excited about that! i'm going to a thanksgiving dinner tonite with my community group. i'm pretty excited about that, too. i baked a caramel apple pie and mint brownies. yum! i love to bake and am thankful for the reason! the whole potluck-thanksgiving-among-friends reminds me of my meteorology days, and the "movie night" gang doing the same. good times.
i'm craving more adventure. i want to travel more. i am going to nyc with my mom in 2 weeks, but she's never been, so i'm leaving most of it up to her, letter her choose what we do. hmmm... more adventure, more adventure...
that's about it for the moment.
so i'll leave you with the lyrics to jeremy riddle's "sweetly broken":
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
Chorus:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
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