i just don't know how people do it. i don't know how they live without the faith that i do, the trust i have in my God that He is good, and that He is working good in all things. i don't know what i would do without this knowledge.
in the midst of all that i'm working through, praying through, and dealing with, i have full, complete, sure faith in the process, or at least the One who is in control of the process. i can't explain it, but i have this deep hope that wells up within me, when i let it. being strong willed, i can push it aside, but i'm learning to depend on this hope and faith more than the feeling of power or control i get when i just dwell on the misery of my feelings and circumstances. i'm learning that i do have this choice, that i can choose to believe the confidence i have in things being good, or i can argue with it and be more lonely, miserable, and hopeless. as strange as it is to admit, i sometimes like to play the victim, to play the hopeless one. but i know that taking responsibility for the way i feel is part of the maturing process. it is good. it is good.
so i am learning that there really is grace available to me. grace for myself, that i don't have to be perfect today, nor do i have to have it all figured out, nor do i have to know what the end result of all this will be. i have the most amazing grace. the real grace, that teaches me godliness and brings salvation (see titus 2).
i know this season is about brokenness. the hurts are deep, the humility complete, my strength is gone. but when i reach the end of myself, He is still there. and the same moment i knew that brokenness is the lesson for this season, i knew that the purpose of it is to break up fallow ground, that a new thing can grow - the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. and i know that 2 years from now, the lessons learned now will be priceless.
i wish i could speed along this process, but i know that i need time. and i also have complete confidence in God's perfect timing, which is a new thing for me. i usually think He's wrong. ;-) and so i'm thankful that His goodness is worthy of my trusting Him. and i'm thankful to have the grace to be able to trust Him.
and i'm thankfult that i have eyes to see His providence. i'm thankful for the Holy Spirit He's put in me to speak truth in my inward parts. i'm thankful for the people He's put around me to speak into my life, to remind me of His perfect character, whether they are explicitly telling me in regards to my circumstances, or just proclaiming His goodness in their own lives. (see Ps 40:9-10)
...yet You have brought me to a place of abundance.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
i finally get it.
at least a piece of it.
we were never the friends i thought we were. which is why you could hurt me so easily. which is why you didn't even know you were hurting me so much. i came to you, told you my heart, and you were kind. but you didn't reciprocate. i thought you were trying, now i realize i was fooling myself. you hide from the world, but not a select few. and i'm not one of those few. i thought i was on the way to being one of them, but you never intended for me to be one of them.
and so we're back to pleasantries. and i long to tell you my heart, but i don't trust you with it anymore. and i can't not share myself with you, though i wish i could refrain. but i won't give you my heart. not anymore.
i finally get it.
we were never the friends i thought we were. which is why you could hurt me so easily. which is why you didn't even know you were hurting me so much. i came to you, told you my heart, and you were kind. but you didn't reciprocate. i thought you were trying, now i realize i was fooling myself. you hide from the world, but not a select few. and i'm not one of those few. i thought i was on the way to being one of them, but you never intended for me to be one of them.
and so we're back to pleasantries. and i long to tell you my heart, but i don't trust you with it anymore. and i can't not share myself with you, though i wish i could refrain. but i won't give you my heart. not anymore.
i finally get it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
things i can't say on facebook.
like this is any better.
dianne doesn't want to know.
dianne is extremely annoyed.
dianne wants to punch the couch.
dianne is sick of this.
dianne thinks life's not fair.
dianne wants to move out pronto.
dianne is lonely.
dianne wants to throw up.
dianne is waiting for the other shoe to drop. or is it fall?
dianne loses all sense of concentration.
dianne hates herself for trying, then hates herself for not trying.
dianne loves thing she should hate and hates those she should love.
dianne does not want to forgive.
dianne does not want to be here.
dianne thinks "just one more month. just one more month!"
dianne can't get her mind off it.
dianne wishes she didn't have to think about it.
dianne wishes she weren't aware.
dianne doesn't want to hear the phone ring.
dianne avoids it, but it still haunts her.
dianne wants other people to be miserable, too.
dianne still wants to throw up. ugh.
dianne is a sinner.
dianne is a sinner, saved by grace.
dianne doesn't want to know.
dianne is extremely annoyed.
dianne wants to punch the couch.
dianne is sick of this.
dianne thinks life's not fair.
dianne wants to move out pronto.
dianne is lonely.
dianne wants to throw up.
dianne is waiting for the other shoe to drop. or is it fall?
dianne loses all sense of concentration.
dianne hates herself for trying, then hates herself for not trying.
dianne loves thing she should hate and hates those she should love.
dianne does not want to forgive.
dianne does not want to be here.
dianne thinks "just one more month. just one more month!"
dianne can't get her mind off it.
dianne wishes she didn't have to think about it.
dianne wishes she weren't aware.
dianne doesn't want to hear the phone ring.
dianne avoids it, but it still haunts her.
dianne wants other people to be miserable, too.
dianne still wants to throw up. ugh.
dianne is a sinner.
dianne is a sinner, saved by grace.
up and down and back again
as up and down as life seems to be these days, i want to celebrate the ups.
i just went thru the syllabus for "globalization and the poor" and downloaded all the articles that i need to read. it took a long time, but i glanced at the abstract for most of them as i downloaded them, and they make me so excited! i read the first paragraph of one, and it gave me shivers! i LOVE this stuff! if only i had enough time to read it all!
there was one book on the "recommended" list (so i didn't buy it) that is actually required reading, so i'm going to the bookstore to buy it. i remembered that there's another book that i should get for spirituality and mission. i didn't already buy it because it's a choice of 4 books, so we get to pick which one we want to read. i looked them up on amazon so i can make my choice by the time i get to the bookstore, and 2 of them look amazing!
one is i once was lost, the story of the transformation of the intervarsity group at UCLA(?) that went thru a huge transformation in evangelizing post-moderns.
the other one, which i think i will get, is the violence of love. here's one review: "Oscar Romero was converted by suffering: the suffering of a friend, of the people he served, and then finally his own suffering. There are many ways to be converted, but perhaps the best way is to live among the poor and to discover in them as Romero did, the presence of Christ. -- Samuel Ruiz Garcia, Bishop of San Cristobal, Chiapas Mexico" isn't that powerful? oh man, i can't wait to read it! actually, you can find it as a free pdf here.
the clouds are beautiful today. the mountains are similarly gorgeous. i am so thankful!
i have had the joy of friendship at key moments in the past few weeks. with the most perfect timing, someone has called, or come by, or i've run into them on campus. i can't explain it, but i am so grateful for those friendships and conversations.
i just went thru the syllabus for "globalization and the poor" and downloaded all the articles that i need to read. it took a long time, but i glanced at the abstract for most of them as i downloaded them, and they make me so excited! i read the first paragraph of one, and it gave me shivers! i LOVE this stuff! if only i had enough time to read it all!
there was one book on the "recommended" list (so i didn't buy it) that is actually required reading, so i'm going to the bookstore to buy it. i remembered that there's another book that i should get for spirituality and mission. i didn't already buy it because it's a choice of 4 books, so we get to pick which one we want to read. i looked them up on amazon so i can make my choice by the time i get to the bookstore, and 2 of them look amazing!
one is i once was lost, the story of the transformation of the intervarsity group at UCLA(?) that went thru a huge transformation in evangelizing post-moderns.
the other one, which i think i will get, is the violence of love. here's one review: "Oscar Romero was converted by suffering: the suffering of a friend, of the people he served, and then finally his own suffering. There are many ways to be converted, but perhaps the best way is to live among the poor and to discover in them as Romero did, the presence of Christ. -- Samuel Ruiz Garcia, Bishop of San Cristobal, Chiapas Mexico" isn't that powerful? oh man, i can't wait to read it! actually, you can find it as a free pdf here.
the clouds are beautiful today. the mountains are similarly gorgeous. i am so thankful!
i have had the joy of friendship at key moments in the past few weeks. with the most perfect timing, someone has called, or come by, or i've run into them on campus. i can't explain it, but i am so grateful for those friendships and conversations.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
"spirituality and mission" retreat
Friday, i went with my spirituality and mission retreat to the Immaculate Heart Retreat House in LA, near Griffith Park. we met at 9am, talked and prayed and were given instructions, then sent out to spend the next 4 hours alone with God. we were given freedom to do pretty much whatever God directed us to do. we met back at 2pm to debrief, then we went home. this is the reflection paper that i wrote for the retreat. if you haven't seen my pictures, you're welcome to do so on facebook at this public link.
The retreat Friday, January 23, 2009, was not quite what I expected. I had been dreading it all week. My life had been emotionally exhausting, and I was afraid to me left with my own obsessive thoughts for a whole day. I decided that if nothing else, I could do some reading for another class.
When I arrived at the retreat, I wanted to meet with God, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to meet with God. When Paul asked us to picture Jesus in our minds, I couldn’t conjure up an image at all. He just wasn’t there. This is clearly the distant/dead view, which I planned to pray about.
When I threw stuff in my bag to bring to the retreat, I instinctively threw my camera in, too. I don’t always take my camera wherever I go, but I was excited to take pictures, even though I didn’t know what to expect. I’m so glad I did! I really enjoyed walking around, exploring the grounds, and documenting our day. I really felt that somehow, this was worship, or something that brings glory to God in some way. I’ve always enjoyed photography, but I had never sensed a spiritual dimension to it before. This has been confirmed to me in many ways with my photos from the retreat, and I am so thankful for it!
As I first sat down to quiet myself and just “be with” to God, I was so delighted to find that my mind wasn’t going a million miles a minute. I was actually able to enjoy the moment, listen to and watch the rain, and be at rest. Several times over the past week, the U2 song “All I Want Is You” went through my head, so I listened to it. I felt like that’s what God was saying to me, in a way, that all He wants is me, and that He’s teaching me to say the same thing. That was a sweet realization.
I was able to journal for a while and write out some of the thoughts and questions that had been plaguing me all week. I was hoping for and expecting to get some answers from God, but that didn’t really happen. I tried the visio divina with the three paintings emailed to us, but I didn’t get anything from it. So I walked down the hill listening to my ipod and tried to find deep insights in the little things, but I realized I was just over-spiritualizing things. I ended up at the traffic circle area with the big mosaic star paved into it. I set my Bible and camera down and started dancing. I have no formal dance training and have never danced like that before, and it was nice. I didn’t “feel the pleasure of God” or anything, but it just felt right, and it seemed like a physical expression for things I couldn’t express in any other way.
After a few songs, I went back to my spot on the patio and journaled more about the latest events of my life, including my wrong view of Him, but still I didn’t get any “answers”. I know that in His goodness, God has His own timing, and I was able to trust that, at least for those few hours. I had peace and contentment during the day and was delighted that even though my life is still a mess, God is also still in control and He is good. And I didn’t read for any other classes, after all.
The retreat Friday, January 23, 2009, was not quite what I expected. I had been dreading it all week. My life had been emotionally exhausting, and I was afraid to me left with my own obsessive thoughts for a whole day. I decided that if nothing else, I could do some reading for another class.
When I arrived at the retreat, I wanted to meet with God, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to meet with God. When Paul asked us to picture Jesus in our minds, I couldn’t conjure up an image at all. He just wasn’t there. This is clearly the distant/dead view, which I planned to pray about.
When I threw stuff in my bag to bring to the retreat, I instinctively threw my camera in, too. I don’t always take my camera wherever I go, but I was excited to take pictures, even though I didn’t know what to expect. I’m so glad I did! I really enjoyed walking around, exploring the grounds, and documenting our day. I really felt that somehow, this was worship, or something that brings glory to God in some way. I’ve always enjoyed photography, but I had never sensed a spiritual dimension to it before. This has been confirmed to me in many ways with my photos from the retreat, and I am so thankful for it!
As I first sat down to quiet myself and just “be with” to God, I was so delighted to find that my mind wasn’t going a million miles a minute. I was actually able to enjoy the moment, listen to and watch the rain, and be at rest. Several times over the past week, the U2 song “All I Want Is You” went through my head, so I listened to it. I felt like that’s what God was saying to me, in a way, that all He wants is me, and that He’s teaching me to say the same thing. That was a sweet realization.
I was able to journal for a while and write out some of the thoughts and questions that had been plaguing me all week. I was hoping for and expecting to get some answers from God, but that didn’t really happen. I tried the visio divina with the three paintings emailed to us, but I didn’t get anything from it. So I walked down the hill listening to my ipod and tried to find deep insights in the little things, but I realized I was just over-spiritualizing things. I ended up at the traffic circle area with the big mosaic star paved into it. I set my Bible and camera down and started dancing. I have no formal dance training and have never danced like that before, and it was nice. I didn’t “feel the pleasure of God” or anything, but it just felt right, and it seemed like a physical expression for things I couldn’t express in any other way.
After a few songs, I went back to my spot on the patio and journaled more about the latest events of my life, including my wrong view of Him, but still I didn’t get any “answers”. I know that in His goodness, God has His own timing, and I was able to trust that, at least for those few hours. I had peace and contentment during the day and was delighted that even though my life is still a mess, God is also still in control and He is good. And I didn’t read for any other classes, after all.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
there is no one like You
there has never, ever, been anyone like You
You are King of the present, King of the past and future.
You are King when i understand, King when i don't understand.
You are King when life is complex, difficult, and incomprehensible.
You are King of my life when i try to sort out the past and plan for the future.
You are King when my emotions go crazy on me, when i'm completely irrational, and inconsolable.
You are King, Ruler of my heart, Lover of my soul.
there is no one like You.
You are King of the present, King of the past and future.
You are King when i understand, King when i don't understand.
You are King when life is complex, difficult, and incomprehensible.
You are King of my life when i try to sort out the past and plan for the future.
You are King when my emotions go crazy on me, when i'm completely irrational, and inconsolable.
You are King, Ruler of my heart, Lover of my soul.
there is no one like You.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
things i've done....
Here’s the rule: Bold the things you’ve done & post on your blog!
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band - oh, the long-ago days of band…high school marching band counts, right?
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (what about DisneyWorld?)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo – how about in the shower?
11. Bungee jumped – I don’t think this is even on my list of things I want to do!
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - I’ve seen it in person, but didn’t go up.
18. Grown your own vegetables – my parents had strawberries and tomatoes, and I’ve grown basil… is basil a vegetable?
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked – in Mexico, nonetheless!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – “mental health days” were not acceptable in my house!
24. Built a snow fort –with what snow???
25. Held a lamb
26. Kayaked a fjord – ok, I added this one myself ;-)
27. Run a Marathon – the closest I’ve come is an 8k
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – that's expensive, man!
29. Seen a total eclipse – definitely some partial ones!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise – hmmm, do ferries count? Even nice ones?
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community – I’ve seen Amish people, but I haven’t really been to a community.
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing – does scrambling count? Or in a rock gym?
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke – yes, thank you, Aaron Kennedy, at the Groundhog Day party
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching – I was on a boat where we saw whales, but that wasn’t the sole purpose of our excursion
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – does a book count?
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been given a raise
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book – how about a book of my photos from snapfish?
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House – I’ve seen it from the gate, do they let you inside anymore?
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – yup, a chicken in boot camp.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life – I’d like to think so…. I was a lifeguard and had a couple “rescues”
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous – Kato Kaelin and Mike Tyson were on my flight to nowhere…
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit – hmmm, I worked at a law firm one summer that had its share of issues, but none involving me. Except that I was working there temporarily because 2 attorneys and a clerk were in jail. Does that count?
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee – plenty of wasps, thank you.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band - oh, the long-ago days of band…high school marching band counts, right?
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (what about DisneyWorld?)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo – how about in the shower?
11. Bungee jumped – I don’t think this is even on my list of things I want to do!
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - I’ve seen it in person, but didn’t go up.
18. Grown your own vegetables – my parents had strawberries and tomatoes, and I’ve grown basil… is basil a vegetable?
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked – in Mexico, nonetheless!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – “mental health days” were not acceptable in my house!
24. Built a snow fort –with what snow???
25. Held a lamb
26. Kayaked a fjord – ok, I added this one myself ;-)
27. Run a Marathon – the closest I’ve come is an 8k
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – that's expensive, man!
29. Seen a total eclipse – definitely some partial ones!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise – hmmm, do ferries count? Even nice ones?
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community – I’ve seen Amish people, but I haven’t really been to a community.
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing – does scrambling count? Or in a rock gym?
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke – yes, thank you, Aaron Kennedy, at the Groundhog Day party
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching – I was on a boat where we saw whales, but that wasn’t the sole purpose of our excursion
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – does a book count?
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been given a raise
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book – how about a book of my photos from snapfish?
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House – I’ve seen it from the gate, do they let you inside anymore?
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – yup, a chicken in boot camp.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life – I’d like to think so…. I was a lifeguard and had a couple “rescues”
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous – Kato Kaelin and Mike Tyson were on my flight to nowhere…
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit – hmmm, I worked at a law firm one summer that had its share of issues, but none involving me. Except that I was working there temporarily because 2 attorneys and a clerk were in jail. Does that count?
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee – plenty of wasps, thank you.
Monday, January 12, 2009
winter quarter
so. phew. i have quite a lot of work to do, but tonite, i think i'm just going to do some thinking and processing. there's always tomorrow to write the paper due the day after tomorrow, right? right.
first off, I GOT A 97 ON MY POVERTY AND DEVELOPMENT PAPER!!!! if you can't tell, i'm ECSTATIC!!! i really thought my best hope was a 90. i threw together the material at the last minute and, as you may recall, sprinted to the office to get it in by 5pm. i spent waaay too much time researching and reading about greg mortenson and the central asia institute (the heros of the book three cups of tea) and way too little time reflecting on the development literature that i was using to evaluate CAI. yet somehow, it worked! there was a whole other section i had planned to write that i just didn't have time to do. but i tried my hardest and spent an hour formatting it properly. no joke! the professor was serious about what he wanted! i was anxious to find out my grade, and i went 3 times today to try to pick up my paper and finally got it. i was speechless. hard to believe, i know, but SPEECHLESS.
ok, so living situation: courtney had told me in dec that she's moving across the freeway with some girls in march. actually, the girls all already live there, but she won't move until march, when our lease is up. i'm excited for her, but a slight bit anxious about my own plans. i had wanted to move out of chang because it's so expensive, but.... yeah. so a friend i work with is getting married about the same time, and i happened to sit next to her current roommate when watching the unmentionable game last thursday nite. so she said i could move in with her! they have a 3-bedroom here in chang, so i'd have my own room, get to stay near my friends, and still be close to campus. then tonite, a classmate who's also in my cohort mentioned that one of her roommates is moving out, so i could move in with them, too. it's not in chang (which = cheaper), but it's across the freeway, next to where courtney will be living, actually. it's a really pretty street full of fun fuller people, but a longer walk to campus, and not as convenient or close to work or the store, either. so either way, i'd live with one person i like and one person i don't know, i'd have my own bedroom, and i've got somewhere to go!!!
ok, classes.
1. globalization and the poor. this class is taught by bryant myers, who taught poverty and development last quarter, and is also my cohort leader. yeah, we're tight. ;-) here's the official class description:
"This course explores globalization as a deeply rooted historical change process that has significant impact for good and ill on the poor. The course will deal briefly with the history of globalization, its supporters and its skeptics. The course will address multilateral organizations, such as the World Bank and the WTO, in terms of the impact of their policies on the poor. Special attention will be given to globalization and the non-formal economy where most of the poor live. More than half the course will focus on macro development issues and strategies for poverty eradication including topics like the Millennium Development Goals and making markets work for the poor."
sounds good, huh? globalization is one of those words that means so many different things to different people, so i've learned that i need to define it when i use it. the class will be more work intensive than poverty and development, but it should be good. for the record, this class meets once a week, thursday mornings, 8-11am.
2. global evangelical movement. this is the class that is the reason i will not be coming out to play anytime soon. the work load is RIDICULOUS, but the professor is fair and funny. well, he's a hard grader, but he's said if we don't like our grade on the first two papers, we can redo them within a week for a higher grade. oh, and one of those was due today, and the other is due the day after tomorrow. talk about diving right in! the class is essentially a history class, tho, so even tho i don't like history, i'm glad it's not theology where it gets all philosophical and crap. ;-) i think in the end i'll love this class. and i think i've already learned more in this class than i did all of last quarter in church and mission. for serious. ok, here's the course description for this one:
"The evangelical movement has been the main engine of the modern missionary movement and has contributed directly to the globalization of the Christian faith. This course will examine the historical and theological roots of contemporary evangelicalism as well as the socio-economic and political factors, which have shaped its expressions and impact in a variety of contexts. Special attention will also be paid to characteristic features of evangelicalism worldwide, including its inner tensions, internal debates, and traditional proclivity for anti-intellectualism. Its prospects in the twenty-first century (notably in its Pentecostal/Charismatic forms) will also be assessed."
this class is taught by jehu hanciles. i've already talked to him outside of class twice, cried in his office once, and i've got another appointment to see him tomorrow. and the class meets twice a week, mon and wed, 11am-1pm.
3. spirituality and mission.
this class is taught by jude tiersma-watson and paul jensen on monday nights, 630-930pm. this is just about as non-academic as a class can get and still be for credit. we're looking at different varieties of spiritual disciplines and practicing them ourselves with the realization that all life comes from Christ. in mission, we are constantly giving of ourselves, so this is more about how to feed ourselves so we don't dry up. which is actually a good lesson as i work through the stresses of global evangelical movement! it's no accident that these 2 classes are offered in the same quarter!! here's the official course description:
"This course will help students develop an approach to their spiritual life that integrates their spirituality with their life in mission. We will examine Richard Foster’s approach to the six traditions of faith, seeing how God has worked through all these streams in history. The interplay between context, culture, theology, and spirituality will be explored within the contemporary collapse of space and time. Various practices will be introduced in class, including the Jesus Prayer, Lectio Divina and the Examen."
this class will be time consuming, but hopefully more life-giving than draining. but it will certainly take stretching and discipline i have yet to exhibit!
so yeah, this quarter is going to be tough. i'm not sure how i'm going to get through it, but i'm sure i will, somehow. and i think in the end, it will be much more fruitful and rewarding than my classes last quarter.
so with that said, i'm going to redding this weekend! redding is in north central CA, about 8-10 hours away. there's a church up there that ruth's pastor from norway is interning at for 5 months, so we're going to see him (and apparently several of ruth's other friends who are up there) and check out the church, bethel church. there's a lot of cool Holy Spirit stuff going on, and this will be my first foray back into that kind of ministry in a long time. pray for grace!! but i'm sure good things will come of it. i'll let you know what happens. there's a group of a dozen or so of us headed up, so if nothing else, it will be great road-trip fun!
the following weekend, i'm going to the san diego zoo! a group of us from my church, oasis, are going down for the day to see the awesome animals. matt, our "outdoors pastor", comes up with some outdoors-y activity for us each quarter, and this is one of the events on the agenda for winter. (remember, we went to joshua tree last fall? we also did the hike to the bridge to nowhere, and we tried a full moon evening hike, but ended up just going up the 2 to get a view of LA at night.) also this quarter, a ski trip is in the works (not sure if i'll do that one) and hopefully, a camping trip to anza-borrego desert state park. the desert is in full bloom in early march, so hopefully we can go then. next quarter, a camping trip to yosemite is in the works. woohoo!
which brings me to this past weekend... i went with hanne, matt c and jakeoung to the scandinavian film festival! i had to work that night, so i went to the afternoon showing of white night wedding at the writers guild theater in beverly hills. the film is the icelandic academy award entrant for best foreign film. we'll see if it gets nominated! i really enjoyed it (i laughed a lot more than anyone else in the theater), and we had a good time of discussion afterwards. i drove home along sunset blvd at sunset with a full moon - fabulous!!!
sunday, i decided to make the most of the GORGEOUS weather and my access to courtney's car (she was gone for the weekend). i have wanted to go up mt wilson for a while, so i finally just decided to go, despite the work piling up around me. ruth went with me as we drove the 210 west to the 2 north up the back side of the mountain. if only the mt wilson toll road were open, it would have been much much shorter!! but alas, it's just a hiking trail now. there's an observatory at the top, as well as a bunch of TV antennas and ... snow!! yup, in the shade, there's still quite a bit of snow up there! and the views east and north (which are normally obscured from pasadena by mt wilson itself) were also superb! not to mention sunset over LA! we could see the ocean for miles and miles, as well as catalina island. the view was MUCH clearer than this, but it gives an idea. the two parallel lines of brighter lights at the bottom of the frame are pasadena. also similar is this. we could also see these islands!!! ok, i'm so excited! i knew it was a clear evening, but i didn't realize HOW clear!
oh man, good times.
well, folks, thanks for reading this far! let me know how you guys are doing!
first off, I GOT A 97 ON MY POVERTY AND DEVELOPMENT PAPER!!!! if you can't tell, i'm ECSTATIC!!! i really thought my best hope was a 90. i threw together the material at the last minute and, as you may recall, sprinted to the office to get it in by 5pm. i spent waaay too much time researching and reading about greg mortenson and the central asia institute (the heros of the book three cups of tea) and way too little time reflecting on the development literature that i was using to evaluate CAI. yet somehow, it worked! there was a whole other section i had planned to write that i just didn't have time to do. but i tried my hardest and spent an hour formatting it properly. no joke! the professor was serious about what he wanted! i was anxious to find out my grade, and i went 3 times today to try to pick up my paper and finally got it. i was speechless. hard to believe, i know, but SPEECHLESS.
ok, so living situation: courtney had told me in dec that she's moving across the freeway with some girls in march. actually, the girls all already live there, but she won't move until march, when our lease is up. i'm excited for her, but a slight bit anxious about my own plans. i had wanted to move out of chang because it's so expensive, but.... yeah. so a friend i work with is getting married about the same time, and i happened to sit next to her current roommate when watching the unmentionable game last thursday nite. so she said i could move in with her! they have a 3-bedroom here in chang, so i'd have my own room, get to stay near my friends, and still be close to campus. then tonite, a classmate who's also in my cohort mentioned that one of her roommates is moving out, so i could move in with them, too. it's not in chang (which = cheaper), but it's across the freeway, next to where courtney will be living, actually. it's a really pretty street full of fun fuller people, but a longer walk to campus, and not as convenient or close to work or the store, either. so either way, i'd live with one person i like and one person i don't know, i'd have my own bedroom, and i've got somewhere to go!!!
ok, classes.
1. globalization and the poor. this class is taught by bryant myers, who taught poverty and development last quarter, and is also my cohort leader. yeah, we're tight. ;-) here's the official class description:
"This course explores globalization as a deeply rooted historical change process that has significant impact for good and ill on the poor. The course will deal briefly with the history of globalization, its supporters and its skeptics. The course will address multilateral organizations, such as the World Bank and the WTO, in terms of the impact of their policies on the poor. Special attention will be given to globalization and the non-formal economy where most of the poor live. More than half the course will focus on macro development issues and strategies for poverty eradication including topics like the Millennium Development Goals and making markets work for the poor."
sounds good, huh? globalization is one of those words that means so many different things to different people, so i've learned that i need to define it when i use it. the class will be more work intensive than poverty and development, but it should be good. for the record, this class meets once a week, thursday mornings, 8-11am.
2. global evangelical movement. this is the class that is the reason i will not be coming out to play anytime soon. the work load is RIDICULOUS, but the professor is fair and funny. well, he's a hard grader, but he's said if we don't like our grade on the first two papers, we can redo them within a week for a higher grade. oh, and one of those was due today, and the other is due the day after tomorrow. talk about diving right in! the class is essentially a history class, tho, so even tho i don't like history, i'm glad it's not theology where it gets all philosophical and crap. ;-) i think in the end i'll love this class. and i think i've already learned more in this class than i did all of last quarter in church and mission. for serious. ok, here's the course description for this one:
"The evangelical movement has been the main engine of the modern missionary movement and has contributed directly to the globalization of the Christian faith. This course will examine the historical and theological roots of contemporary evangelicalism as well as the socio-economic and political factors, which have shaped its expressions and impact in a variety of contexts. Special attention will also be paid to characteristic features of evangelicalism worldwide, including its inner tensions, internal debates, and traditional proclivity for anti-intellectualism. Its prospects in the twenty-first century (notably in its Pentecostal/Charismatic forms) will also be assessed."
this class is taught by jehu hanciles. i've already talked to him outside of class twice, cried in his office once, and i've got another appointment to see him tomorrow. and the class meets twice a week, mon and wed, 11am-1pm.
3. spirituality and mission.
this class is taught by jude tiersma-watson and paul jensen on monday nights, 630-930pm. this is just about as non-academic as a class can get and still be for credit. we're looking at different varieties of spiritual disciplines and practicing them ourselves with the realization that all life comes from Christ. in mission, we are constantly giving of ourselves, so this is more about how to feed ourselves so we don't dry up. which is actually a good lesson as i work through the stresses of global evangelical movement! it's no accident that these 2 classes are offered in the same quarter!! here's the official course description:
"This course will help students develop an approach to their spiritual life that integrates their spirituality with their life in mission. We will examine Richard Foster’s approach to the six traditions of faith, seeing how God has worked through all these streams in history. The interplay between context, culture, theology, and spirituality will be explored within the contemporary collapse of space and time. Various practices will be introduced in class, including the Jesus Prayer, Lectio Divina and the Examen."
this class will be time consuming, but hopefully more life-giving than draining. but it will certainly take stretching and discipline i have yet to exhibit!
so yeah, this quarter is going to be tough. i'm not sure how i'm going to get through it, but i'm sure i will, somehow. and i think in the end, it will be much more fruitful and rewarding than my classes last quarter.
so with that said, i'm going to redding this weekend! redding is in north central CA, about 8-10 hours away. there's a church up there that ruth's pastor from norway is interning at for 5 months, so we're going to see him (and apparently several of ruth's other friends who are up there) and check out the church, bethel church. there's a lot of cool Holy Spirit stuff going on, and this will be my first foray back into that kind of ministry in a long time. pray for grace!! but i'm sure good things will come of it. i'll let you know what happens. there's a group of a dozen or so of us headed up, so if nothing else, it will be great road-trip fun!
the following weekend, i'm going to the san diego zoo! a group of us from my church, oasis, are going down for the day to see the awesome animals. matt, our "outdoors pastor", comes up with some outdoors-y activity for us each quarter, and this is one of the events on the agenda for winter. (remember, we went to joshua tree last fall? we also did the hike to the bridge to nowhere, and we tried a full moon evening hike, but ended up just going up the 2 to get a view of LA at night.) also this quarter, a ski trip is in the works (not sure if i'll do that one) and hopefully, a camping trip to anza-borrego desert state park. the desert is in full bloom in early march, so hopefully we can go then. next quarter, a camping trip to yosemite is in the works. woohoo!
which brings me to this past weekend... i went with hanne, matt c and jakeoung to the scandinavian film festival! i had to work that night, so i went to the afternoon showing of white night wedding at the writers guild theater in beverly hills. the film is the icelandic academy award entrant for best foreign film. we'll see if it gets nominated! i really enjoyed it (i laughed a lot more than anyone else in the theater), and we had a good time of discussion afterwards. i drove home along sunset blvd at sunset with a full moon - fabulous!!!
sunday, i decided to make the most of the GORGEOUS weather and my access to courtney's car (she was gone for the weekend). i have wanted to go up mt wilson for a while, so i finally just decided to go, despite the work piling up around me. ruth went with me as we drove the 210 west to the 2 north up the back side of the mountain. if only the mt wilson toll road were open, it would have been much much shorter!! but alas, it's just a hiking trail now. there's an observatory at the top, as well as a bunch of TV antennas and ... snow!! yup, in the shade, there's still quite a bit of snow up there! and the views east and north (which are normally obscured from pasadena by mt wilson itself) were also superb! not to mention sunset over LA! we could see the ocean for miles and miles, as well as catalina island. the view was MUCH clearer than this, but it gives an idea. the two parallel lines of brighter lights at the bottom of the frame are pasadena. also similar is this. we could also see these islands!!! ok, i'm so excited! i knew it was a clear evening, but i didn't realize HOW clear!
oh man, good times.
well, folks, thanks for reading this far! let me know how you guys are doing!
too much to say
so this quarter will be ridiculously tough. way more reading than i can accomplish, a paper was due today and another is due wed.
and in the midst of it all, i find myself singing
"Oh praise the One who paid my debt! Who raised this life up from the dead!"
oh the sweet blessings of Jesus, to remind me of the right perspective. i am nothing without Him, and i can accomplish nothing on my own (including school work)! if am to learn anything this quarter, to write any papers or do any research, it will only be because of the gifts He has given me and His grace to get me through.
and so i can rest.
oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!
and in the midst of it all, i find myself singing
"Oh praise the One who paid my debt! Who raised this life up from the dead!"
oh the sweet blessings of Jesus, to remind me of the right perspective. i am nothing without Him, and i can accomplish nothing on my own (including school work)! if am to learn anything this quarter, to write any papers or do any research, it will only be because of the gifts He has given me and His grace to get me through.
and so i can rest.
oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!
Monday, January 05, 2009
i live in a broken world.
pasadena is starting to feel like home, yes, but not completely. it's still very hard some days.
last fall, i got here, went thru a little shock and adjustment, then LOVED it. i love my church, my new friends, being in school (maybe not the classes themselves, except for poverty & development), living in my apartment, living in CA, the new store i work at, all of it.
a little more than 2 months in, reality set in. the honeymoon phase came down with a crash. people have flaws, my classes intensified, i had an enjoyable but not restful thanksgiving with my sister, relationships got hard, and i settled into a groove of just existing, not living the fullest life possible.
so then i pushed through (time-wise), finishing the quarter and trying to get things done before the break.
being in VA was good; busy, but good.
and now i'm back in CA. hoping that all is well again, and being sorely disappointed that all the frustrations i left behind are still here. work is sometimes hard. i don't really know where i fit in at my church. my friends are very different than i and it's hard to communicate effectively with them. there's a certain level of awkward with some of them, and sometimes a one-way admiration. i have to look for a new apartment in 2 months. my bed sucks, but should i get a new one if i'm moving in 2 months? my friends want to visit (yay!) but it's the weekend i've got a "retreat" for a class.
not to mention i still don't know what to "do" with all the homeless people i see around here. one of them, diane, lives at my starbucks. (great name, isn't it?!) usually she's in a jovial mood, tho easily set off to be a foul mood that it's best to give her some space. yesterday she just looked defeated. i don't know what happened, but she wasn't in her usual good mood or her usual bad mood. and i don't know what to say or do or how to help her. i want to respect her and give her dignity, but how?
and in less than an hour, classes start for the quarter. geez.
last fall, i got here, went thru a little shock and adjustment, then LOVED it. i love my church, my new friends, being in school (maybe not the classes themselves, except for poverty & development), living in my apartment, living in CA, the new store i work at, all of it.
a little more than 2 months in, reality set in. the honeymoon phase came down with a crash. people have flaws, my classes intensified, i had an enjoyable but not restful thanksgiving with my sister, relationships got hard, and i settled into a groove of just existing, not living the fullest life possible.
so then i pushed through (time-wise), finishing the quarter and trying to get things done before the break.
being in VA was good; busy, but good.
and now i'm back in CA. hoping that all is well again, and being sorely disappointed that all the frustrations i left behind are still here. work is sometimes hard. i don't really know where i fit in at my church. my friends are very different than i and it's hard to communicate effectively with them. there's a certain level of awkward with some of them, and sometimes a one-way admiration. i have to look for a new apartment in 2 months. my bed sucks, but should i get a new one if i'm moving in 2 months? my friends want to visit (yay!) but it's the weekend i've got a "retreat" for a class.
not to mention i still don't know what to "do" with all the homeless people i see around here. one of them, diane, lives at my starbucks. (great name, isn't it?!) usually she's in a jovial mood, tho easily set off to be a foul mood that it's best to give her some space. yesterday she just looked defeated. i don't know what happened, but she wasn't in her usual good mood or her usual bad mood. and i don't know what to say or do or how to help her. i want to respect her and give her dignity, but how?
and in less than an hour, classes start for the quarter. geez.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
back in pasadena...
wow.
i haven't really been honestly blogging in a while. part of that is i don't know what to say. part of it is i don't want the whole world to know what i'm really thinking. i've had ridiculously conflicting thoughts and emotions the past 3 weeks. well, 2 months, really. i guess that comes with the territory: VA no longer is home, but CA isn't quite home yet. but it's on it's way in, so i think i can call pasadena home now.
but home in a transient sense. i won't be living in this apartment but for 2 more months. which is crazy to think about, and stressful to try to think about "where next?" i'm not worried about finding a place, but just the change in relationships that comes with a change in roommates and neighbors.
i had a great time in VA. it was kind of nice - i didn't have to worry about "fitting in" or being the kind of person someone would want in a friend, like i had to impress people into liking me. i was more focusing on the friendships i already had, which was freeing that i could talk to people and enjoy them as a person that i couldn't have done 6 months ago. ok, this sounds weirder and a bigger deal when i write it out than it actually is... but anyway.
flying across the country sucks. when i moved here, all things went well, but going back to the east coast and coming back to the west were harder than anticipated. stupid winter weather and broken planes. flying into and out of vegas is cool. lake mead and the hoover dam, a great view of the strip - the mirage, the venetian, mandalay bay, the eiffel tower, the luxor... all icons visible from the plane. we also flew over the grand canyon, which was awesome to see from above. it looks different from way up there. now i just need to get to the bottom. on the way out of CA, i also flew over joshua tree. it was cool to see from above, too, especially since it has snowed the night before. from above it's a lot easier to remember i really do live in a desert.
so classes start monday. i'm ready to start thinking and seeing my friends again after the break, but i'm not ready to dive into actually studying again. i bought some of my books online, some i'll go pick up at a bookstore today, and some i will need to buy at the school bookstore, which conveniently doesn't open until monday. i'll post later what my classes are... once i'm more in the academic mood.
i'm not used to such strong, opposing emotions. it's quite frustrating for me, really. i'm so glad to be back, but once i got back, i dropped my bags and was immediately lost and lonely. thankfully matt and lara rescued me from that, then a movie night at becca's with matt, lara, matthew, courtney, julie, and boram helped. ;-)
i've unpacked one bag, the easy one with all the clean clothes. i haven't opened my other bag. i need to run some errands today before i go to work at 4pm. i feel like i've wasted the whole day, but really, i've accomplished quite a lot and it's earlier than it feels. i guess part of that is jetlag. interesting. i can't wait for my other friends to get back...
i fell both immensely loved and incredibly alone. it's a strange burden, part of adjusting to a new life, i guess. i constantly have to keep my expectations in check. i want the whole world and know i should be content with much much less. it doesn't help that i'm an introverted verbal processor.
ummm, yeah. i think that's it for now. onward-ho!
i haven't really been honestly blogging in a while. part of that is i don't know what to say. part of it is i don't want the whole world to know what i'm really thinking. i've had ridiculously conflicting thoughts and emotions the past 3 weeks. well, 2 months, really. i guess that comes with the territory: VA no longer is home, but CA isn't quite home yet. but it's on it's way in, so i think i can call pasadena home now.
but home in a transient sense. i won't be living in this apartment but for 2 more months. which is crazy to think about, and stressful to try to think about "where next?" i'm not worried about finding a place, but just the change in relationships that comes with a change in roommates and neighbors.
i had a great time in VA. it was kind of nice - i didn't have to worry about "fitting in" or being the kind of person someone would want in a friend, like i had to impress people into liking me. i was more focusing on the friendships i already had, which was freeing that i could talk to people and enjoy them as a person that i couldn't have done 6 months ago. ok, this sounds weirder and a bigger deal when i write it out than it actually is... but anyway.
flying across the country sucks. when i moved here, all things went well, but going back to the east coast and coming back to the west were harder than anticipated. stupid winter weather and broken planes. flying into and out of vegas is cool. lake mead and the hoover dam, a great view of the strip - the mirage, the venetian, mandalay bay, the eiffel tower, the luxor... all icons visible from the plane. we also flew over the grand canyon, which was awesome to see from above. it looks different from way up there. now i just need to get to the bottom. on the way out of CA, i also flew over joshua tree. it was cool to see from above, too, especially since it has snowed the night before. from above it's a lot easier to remember i really do live in a desert.
so classes start monday. i'm ready to start thinking and seeing my friends again after the break, but i'm not ready to dive into actually studying again. i bought some of my books online, some i'll go pick up at a bookstore today, and some i will need to buy at the school bookstore, which conveniently doesn't open until monday. i'll post later what my classes are... once i'm more in the academic mood.
i'm not used to such strong, opposing emotions. it's quite frustrating for me, really. i'm so glad to be back, but once i got back, i dropped my bags and was immediately lost and lonely. thankfully matt and lara rescued me from that, then a movie night at becca's with matt, lara, matthew, courtney, julie, and boram helped. ;-)
i've unpacked one bag, the easy one with all the clean clothes. i haven't opened my other bag. i need to run some errands today before i go to work at 4pm. i feel like i've wasted the whole day, but really, i've accomplished quite a lot and it's earlier than it feels. i guess part of that is jetlag. interesting. i can't wait for my other friends to get back...
i fell both immensely loved and incredibly alone. it's a strange burden, part of adjusting to a new life, i guess. i constantly have to keep my expectations in check. i want the whole world and know i should be content with much much less. it doesn't help that i'm an introverted verbal processor.
ummm, yeah. i think that's it for now. onward-ho!
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