decisions, regret, and God's sovereignty.

where do these things connect? where does grace intersect?

i usually am a very decisive person. multiple choice tests are usually pretty easy for me - either i know the answer or i don't. i choose an answer and i move on. i am generally a very capable person. i am independent, strong-willed, resourceful, and self-reliant. when i make decisions, i am able to follow through with them, sometimes by sheer will-power or force. once i commit to something, i'm in. i am there. i hate it when people commit something to me, then back out (as i'm sure i've mentioned before). i generally don't say i will do something, or go somewhere, if i am on the fence about it or don't know if it will work due to external circumstances. therefore, once i've made up my mind about something, i am completely invested in it.

this week has been one of the most trying weeks for me in regard to this decision-making process. i realize that once i internally decide something, i am quite emotionally invested in it. i made a choice to pursue an option, it didn't work out, and i'm crushed.

on the flip side, i realize now that several decisions i've made recently were the wrong choice, and i really regret those choices. if i ever play an ice-breaker game or something and the question is asked "what is your greatest regret?", i usually can't come up with one. i don't know what that says about me, but in general, regret is not an emotion i am accustomed to feeling. so when it hits me, it's like getting hit by a freight train. and that completely freaks me out.

due to the aforementioned emotional investment i have in making decisions, realizing i've made a bad decision is quite a roller-coaster of frustration, self-hatred, confusion, denial, anger, and self-pity. to realize i've made a series of bad decisions has been completely identity-shaking. not that one decision led to another, that's a different story. at least in that story there is a root issue to work out. in this one, i just don't know. at any rate, my self-confidence was shaken.

i am currently wondering if i can make a good decision at all. i wonder if i should make a decision, then do the opposite thing so that i know it will be a good decision. i wonder where my good judgement went, or what God is punishing me for. i feel like crawling under the table and not making any choices at all for 3 weeks. but letting things pass by is a choice in itself. so then i plead and beg with God to make the choices for me, knowing i don't have it in myself to make a good choice. i ask Him to make it clear to me, but i walk in a fog. and so i delay. i am wrapped in fear that i will make a wrong choice, a bad choice, and so i make no choice at all (which is effectively a bad choice). fear has paralyzed me twice now, debilitating me into making yet another bad decision. thankfully, thus far, the consequences of such decisions have been fairly minimal. because i'm beset by this fear, things that used to be hard are now nigh impossible.

i went to church on sunday at the salvation army. (i almost added "of norman" to the end of that statement out of an old habit.) i used to work for the salvation army (of norman) in their social services office while i was in college. but i never attended a church service. my friend aaron has some sort of ties with the salvation army, has attended this one previously, and invited me along with him to the sunday morning service. i pass it on my walk to my own church, so i'd seen it before and been curious, so i accepted his offer and we went. this isn't meant to be an evaluation of their church or service, and so i will continue with my point. the sermon was about ruth. i'm not sure if it was ever actually said, or just a thought that came to mind as a point was being made. i realized that ruth had to really go out on a limb, which was certainly not a familiar thing to her culturally, or something women did in that society, to win the favor of boaz. she stepped out in boldness, confidence. she didn't understand, but she took initiative, stepped out of her comfort zone, and did the thing that i would find hard even on my best day. and i know this is a fairly common lesson that we draw from Bible studies (be strong and courageous!), but it clicked with me on sunday.

i don't like to ask for things i don't deserve. i don't like to talk to strangers to set up a dentist appointment or change the name on the phone bill to my own. i don't like talking to someone in authority over me who seeminlgy has the power to bless me or curse me.

yet that's exactly the type of situation that ruth walked into. and God was faithful.

and i know, in KNOW that so many people are praying for me right now, in the decision that is facing me. other than mission trips, i think this is the most specific prayer i have ever asked for in my life thus far. yet nothing seems to be working out.

and so i ask, where does God's sovereignty play into this? and how much is my own effort i need to make? and how much am i responsible for myself? and how much is my fear simply holding me back, or is it God's way of keeping me in check so that i will KNOW that it is only Him that is moving on my behalf?

and how do i appropriate the grace for this situation?

random...

as inspired by elijah, today's post will be a collection of unprocessed (and incomplete) thoughts.

i ran into a friend a while back who was having a sudden, inexplicable, potentially very serious illness. i stopped and chatted for a minute and prayed for them. i'm not good at praying for people, it was more a random string of sentences. as i was praying for them again today, it seemed like the most pertinent prayer was for peace and joy. wisdom, discernment, clear communication for the doctors, all that was good, but somehow not as important as peace of mind for the patient, the peace that passes all understanding, and a joy in our confidence of our Creator seem more important.

i was talking with another friend about falling in love with the wrong person. i'm not really sure what to say about this, but it's been on my mind since we had that conversation. i'm not sure if i'd say i've ever been "in love", but i've certainly had some major crushes in my life. some of them seem more mature and based on seemingly legitimate things, but i clearly didn't end up with those guys. i did fall for a guy that was completely wrong for me, but it seemed fun at the time, so i nursed that crush. it wasn't serious, but if he had liked me back, it would have been disastrous. part of the conversation with my friend revolved around the trauma of having a broken heart, and having to end a relationship. and i suppose i am grateful for not having to have had that experience. i know plenty who have had to endure that, and i'm honestly not sure if i would recover.

i watched "watchmen" last night. i didn't really care about the movie at all, but some friends were getting together, so i joined in. the film was interesting... not what i expected, and certainly not a genre that i've ever particularly liked. we watched the director's cut, which was particularly violent and gruesome. i found myself pondering some of the lines of one of the characters. i don't even remember any of the character's names, but i did disengage at parts of the movie, marveling at the wisdom of some of the lines. one of them was essentially a reminder to me of the power and majesty of God - neither the least nor the greatest on earth has any sway against Him. i sometimes think i am in control, or at least the "powerful" are in control. none of us has or is anything apart from the One who give life to us.

heart heavy

i just sent brian off to return his rental car and fly back to the east coast. i will really miss him! i tried my hardest to get him to move out here, and as much as he loved it, i don't think that is happening any time soon.

we stayed up talking until 2am (5am his time!), and it was really good. but it was also quite bittersweet: i really miss having deep heart to hearts that are sprinkled with Truth. i know there are many friends here who would be at my side instantly should something traumatic or big ever happen, but it's the day-to-day-life intimacies that i really miss. and i am certainly really thankful for the other perspective that was shared. i really need that. it was also really good to be told that my feelings are legit, that i'm not crazy, and yes, life does suck sometimes but that doesn't mean it's my "fault". it's good to know there are somethings i can lay down responsibility for. i'm just grateful to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with someone who has known me for longer than 10 months!

and so, as i stare at the mountain of frustrations ahead of me (finding roommates, paying bills, applying for jobs, working on school projects, trying to decide the rest of my future), my heart is heavy. i don't want to go back to reality! i had a lot of fun playing tour guide these last several days!

but the show must go on. *sigh*

stuck.

i feel stuck right now. emotionally i am all over the page, and i just want someone to affirm that i'm not crazy (but i know i'm waaay over-reacting). and i don't feel like i can be open here, either, because my friend will criticize me for being too open with the whole world. which may be true, too, but so far, to my knowledge, no one has ever used what i've written here against me. or if they have, it hasn't gotten back to me.

so some really benign things have happened that leave me doubting myself and feeling worthless. it really is dumb stuff, but it's all hit a nerve. i absolutely hate when people back out on plans (even if for completely legitimate or unforeseeable reasons). i absolutely hate being kept in the dark (even when unintentional) when it changes my own plans and preparation. these situations make me feel like i'm not important, that i'm not worth keeping in the loop, that i don't matter as much as other people.

and since i'm already feeling lonely and without a "group" here, these feelings just compound that. it really sucks. though i'm also sure that if i weren't complaining about this, i'd find plenty else to complain about. it all pisses me off, and i'm hurt.

because of my hurt and frustration, i'm less likely to step out again to make plans.

so to those of you who keep your word, who make plans and follow through, i thank you. i do appreciate it.

brutal.

today was brutal.

i'm taking a 1-week intensive, and today i just about walked out in the middle. just one more day to go, just one more day to go. as i walked home, i chatted with my friend brian, and i asked him how he decompresses after an afternoon like that. he said he asks his wife to take their baby for 20 minutes and just let him collapse on his bed. that doesn't really work for me, so i did what i do best: bake cookies.

as i mixed together the ingredients, i thought about why today was so bad. the past 3 days were rigorous, but not exhausting. well today, we hit on every topic that i haven't quite figured out yet, or that i have reservations about, or that is just plain hard for me to internalize and live out, at least these topics that are relevant to the class: Effective Witness in Muslim Contexts.

the professor goes by 2 names, one in America and another overseas and in literature, and i don't know if i'll choose the right one and inadvertently "out" him, perhaps. so i'll just say that he's an amazing man, with wisdom well beyond his years. he loves the Lord, he loves Muslims, and he is very intelligent. i highly respect this man and am so appreciative of this opportunity to learn from him. he teaches this class as a discipleship session, with great humility and a desire to learn, himself.

but today was tough.

we started out by talking about working on a team, and specifically, peacemaking. it was an impromptu "teaching moment", but filled with truth that i find it easy to agree with and hard to live by. several of the things that were mentioned i instinctively thought "no way!" i know he's right, and i have a lot of growing to do in keeping short accounts, opening the way for communication, and quickly forgiving. he did talk about the importance of having a "peacemaking plan" in mind even before conflict arises. it makes sense. he recommended a book, Peacemaking, by Rick Love. i haven't read it (or even seen a copy in person), but i thought i'd throw out the reference if anyone is interested.

we talked about women in the Muslim world. i highly recommend two books (that were both required reading for the class) that have illumined my understanding of the cultural and religious aspects of the woman in the Muslim world. one is Miniskirts, Mothers & Muslims by Christine Mallouhi. The other is Touching the Soul of Islam by Bill Musk. but understanding doesn't make it easier to accept. when i was in Turkey 7 years ago, one of the hardest things for me was this huge emphasis on differentiating the genders. i have friends that are male, and i can't imagine not being friends with them, even while i desire to honor and respect the customs of my adopted country. it's hard for me to accept that if i lived in a Muslim country, i couldn't have the same conversation with brian as described above. i just can't wrap my head around it, nor at the moment choose to embrace it. that would require a level of grace that i don't have the strength to even ask for yet.

we talked about inner healing and deliverance prayer today, too. these are both tremendously needed and essential to the effective spread of the Kingdom, but i have my reservations. i have grown a lot and matured in respect to these supernatural events, but it's still hard for me to accept them or pursue them, much less practice them. it's hard. i've been wounded and frustrated by these types of prayer ministries and other "acts" of the Holy Spirit. it's just a touchy subject for me, but it was definitely good to be reminded of their importance in this type of ministry.

we talked about "dialogue", as in Muslim/Christian dialogue and Evangelical/Mormon dialogue. we were talking about using it as a tool or mode of witness, which is another subject i can't wrap my head around. doug mcconnell, our dean, came in and talked about this for about 30 minutes this afternoon. he's just published 2 papers on the subject and definitely knows a lot. but when we talks, man, it's like trying to drink from a firehose. everything he says is meaty, but i still didn't quite catch his bottom line. therefore i had a limited framework from which to understand what he was talking about, so i was confused and overwhelmed for most of the 30 minutes. it was good to discuss so that i get more comfortable with it, but it was tough.

we concluded the class by creating a list of modes of witness to Muslims. it was an interesting list we came up with, but it raised several deep questions: What do we mean by "witness"? What is the core of our message, without which there is no salvation? What is the "line" that must be crossed for someone to enter the Kingdom of God? What do we mean by "Kingdom of God"? What is the core of the church? what is a believer? at first, these questions seem elementary enough, but they go deep.

man, i don't do well with ambiguity. i like to have things figured out and well-organized in my brain. which is why i resort to making cookies when all else fails.

on top of being in class 6 hours a day for the week, and auditing (attending lectures) for another class (2 nights a week for 3 hours a night), there is a LOT else going on. i have to work tonight, and thankfully that's my first shift this week. my roommate robyn is moving out tomorrow and we don't have anyone else moving in, which means we'll be charged her rent until we find someone, ugh. there is a LOT up in the air - who moves in? do we move out? where do we go? it seems like there are a million ways this could all play out, but we have no way of knowing. i have a lot of other things on my mind, too, that all seem overwhelming, so please pray for me and my sanity!