From Virginia to Oklahoma to only God knows where...

Quote

2011-09-17T13:12:00.003-04:00

"It's slightly disappointing, but I never heard the workers sing on our site (where they were building our house in Haiti). Perhaps we live too close to the city, where modernity has trumped tradition: they listened to battery-powered, static-drenched radios instead. I'm grateful first for their friendship and for their profound influence over my choices. Though they don't sing aloud about my stinginess or generosity, they still have a sort of lyrical power over me as my neighbors. This wasn't the case when I gave my money to the cashier at Wal-Mart or the local drugstore and then walked out with a product that was put together by who-knows-who in who-knows-where in what-kind-of-conditions on the other side of the globe. Globalization has important efficacy advantages but also helps us evade the discomfort of knowing the people we do commerce with (to our advantage). And it's not that personal connection necessarily precludes exploitation, but at least when it's personal the exploiter has more chance of understanding and changing--or at minimum might feel how much the exploiting costs his or her own soul."

- Annan, Kent. Following Jesus Through the Eye of the Needle: Living Fully, Loving Dangerously. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2009. p170-171

Lost the plot

2011-07-29T01:48:00.003-04:00

I kind of lost my vision for why I was writing this blog. So I just didn't write for a long time. And I'm not sure where to go from here, so it's just my ramblings, which is actually quite easily described by "my journey in heart and space", so it all fits, in the end.

Today, I saw the (beautiful and amazing!) wedding photos of a girl who was an elementary school camper when I was a counselor for church camp. I felt a) old and b) very single. Ouch.

Tonight, I went to the going away party of a couple (and their kids) who I got to know fairly well as part of my cohort group the 2 years I was in school. One of the options they are looking into is to join a c-planting team in northern India. My heart leapt into my throat! A flame sparked that has been hidden for a long time.

I went on a road trip with Judy last week. Judy's pretty quiet, and she told me from the get-go not to expect her to talk that much. I was happy to chat enough for the both of us the first few days, but by the last 2 days, driving over half of our 1724 miles, I started projecting onto her my own reasons for silence. I clam up when I'm hurt, annoyed, angry, or irritable. So I started wondering if Judy felt like that, and I had to remind myself that she wasn't mad, she's just quiet. She actually can and will be pretty forthright and honest when something isn't right, and I had to trust that she would have communicated something to me if I had offended her. (Right, Judy, if you're reading this?!) So it was a good self-awareness lesson.

I am now working (and have been for over 8 months) for a large, international, Christian, non-profit organization. About half our budget comes from child sponsorship (where a person sends in $35/month to sponsor a kid from an impoverished country and keeps his/her photo on his fridge). I like my job, to a large degree, but it's definitely a stepping stone to something else. Trouble is, I don't exactly know what that "something else" is. I do know I plan to live overseas in the future, hopefully doing more on-the-ground project management-type stuff. But my current position as an admin assistant isn't specifically going to open the doors that direction, so perhaps there are a few more steps between here and there. We shall see.

I'm going home for a few days in August. My sister, brother-in-law, and my new niece will be there! I'm excited to see them all, and of course my parents and cat, too. I also am looking forward to reconnecting with old friends, one in particular that has been a bit of a rocky relationship in the past year. We'll see if that person makes time to see me or not. But at least the beach will be there! And a NIECE!!

Hope I

2011-01-29T23:36:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about hope recently, as a concept. I feel like there might be some deeper lessons in this, so I am planning to revisit it in the future. For now, a story.

Several years ago, my life felt like it ended. What I had been working toward for months, years, or possibly even my life had abruptly ended. At least, that's how it felt to me. My life had been building up to this one thing, and it had been taken away from me. I was completely crushed, and I didn't know where to turn. I literally had no idea what else to so with my life, and I was completely devastated.

In my agony and pain, I wanted to express on the outside what I felt on the inside, even if it was a bit dramatic. So during a worship set led by some of my favorite worship leaders ever, I found myself in the back of the room, on my knees, bawling my eyes out. I was in agony, crying out to the Lord, without a hope in the world.

In my mind's eye, a scene flashed before me. A middle-aged woman with brown skin and long dark hair, dressed in a beautiful sari, was in the middle of a crowd. She had flung her body over a rectangular wooden box: the casket of her son, the pride of her life. She wept sobs that wracked her body, mourning his death as her own.

In an instant, I felt the Lord gently ask me, "Why are you crying? This woman has no hope. You at least have hope."

God wasn't being rude or a jerk about it, but he did have a point. Even though it felt like my life was over, I still had a lot to live for. Even though I had no idea what to do with my life, I still had hope. I still had Jesus.

song lyrics

2011-01-12T21:24:00.003-05:00

The J Band - Take Our Turn lyrics

Looking down a young man's seen
Waltzing once past everything
He takes a knee and pray
A father trains his king to be
It's the night that he runs free
He walks along castle walls
And looks upon, did he give up it all

Hey, we lay our burdens down,
Lord we burn 'em to the ground
Hey, we'll take our turn and die
For our souls to come to life

He found himself in foreign land
No one else with him to stand
But the mad man, the drunkard, and he
Together they went traveling on,
Singin' "Friends, we have become."
He turns to the call
Oh, he gave up it all

Hey, we lay our burdens down,
Lord, we burn 'em to the ground
Hey, we'll take our turn and die
For our souls to come alive

He remembers this one time when he
Saw a small child,
For one moment give one, one small smile
He thought that maybe,
That maybe the smile was meant for him
That the smile was meant for him

Hey, we lay our burdens down,
Lord, we burn 'em to the ground
Hey, we take our turn and die
For our souls to come to life

10 days later

2010-10-16T20:32:00.002-04:00

The boredom has set in. But not for long! I'm going on a road trip!

I'm leaving Monday for a 5-day road trip with my friend Julie from Pasadena, CA to Gallatin, TN (outside Nashville). She is moving back to her hometown, and I am along for the ride! We plan to travel in at least 10 states (maybe 11 depending on which route we take), see friends in Colorado, and visit at least 2 National Parks, probably 3 and maybe even 4. I. Am. Excited!

So in the meantime, I am thinking and praying and pondering my next steps. At the end of the day, it comes down to what do I WANT to do next? Cos if I don't want to do it, I won't put much energy into it. So what do I want to do? What am I passionate about? Where do I want to be in 10 years? Ah, the possibilities.

Pray for me!

joy. peace. love.

2010-10-06T12:58:00.002-04:00

I have never been happier.

I love my life. My heart overflows with love, joy, and peace. I cannot explain it in any way, other than to say that God is good, and his love is magnificent.

My way of life is not financially viable in the long run, but for now, taking it one day at a time has been awesome. Every day, I feel like I am playing a game: "What will God do today that will bless my socks off?"

Seriously, every day for weeks now, something has happened that has been a gift, an encouragement, or an affirmation. I can't explain it, but I KNOW that my God is taking care of me. He always has and he always will.

I don't know where I'm going next, but for now, I am content to love on my friends and let them love on me. I have time to notice the small things and to enjoy them. I have the time to volunteer my time and energy for others, to help friends or to help strangers. I am not so overwhelmed all the time that I'm constantly looking forward to whatever the next thing is on my agenda. I can BE wherever I am. I now have the gift of presence to give.

There are times that I am bored out of my mind, or worried about how I will pay my loans back in 6 short months. But the joy of living my life now far outweighs them.

Psalm 138, a la Dianne
I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods of materialism, anxiety and success I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
On the day I called, and not a minute later, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.
All the kings and leaders and powers and prime ministers of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they (will) have heard the words of your mouth,
and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
For great is the glory of the Lord!
For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly, the broken-hearted, the refugees, the victims, the oppressed.
But the haughty, the proud, the self-important he knows from afar.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, unemployment, and lack of direction,
you preserve my life and bless it tremendously;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me with tenderness and compassion.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever!
Do not forsake me, the work of your hands.

job searching

2010-09-29T14:04:00.002-04:00

So, perhaps this will be a blog about my job searching process. Or maybe not, because future employers might check up on it. Hmmmm...

So several thoughts.

1. Hope is essential. Without vision the people perish, and hope deferred makes the heart sick. But God has been good to me. He is gracious and compassionate, and I am so grateful.
I found out Monday that I didn't get the Colorado job. It hurt, but not because the job was a dream job, but because it was something. It was a path to follow, to learn in, and to grow in. It gave me a direction and an opportunity to start over and reinvent myself to some extent. That's what I'm mourning the loss of, more than the loss of a possible job.
But alongside that, is the idea that I've got some major school loans that aren't going to repay themselves. I can eek out a survival for a few months, but that's essentially how long it would be to actually start working a job that I'm applying for right now, anyway.
So Tuesday, a friend called me out of the blue and reminded me of an opportunity to earn a little cash this weekend by helping out a professor. It's not much, but every bit helps when you're unemployed. And I love the couple that needs help, so I look forward to the opportunity to chat with them a bit. She also told me that she's part of a group that needs childcare helpers one morning a week, for $10/hr. Again, not much, but something.
Today, my sister sent me an email about a paid fellowship to work under the director of a major non-profit. It's again, not a dream job, but would be an excellent learning experience and it's paid! It's honestly the kind of learning experience that I wish Fuller had offered to me as a student. So that position, coupled with my recently earned Master's degree, could actually be an ideal launching pad for whatever's next.

2. I had a mentor who constantly told me not to self-edit when job searching. He said that companies dream up the ideal applicant, but are willing to accept someone who meets maybe 80% of the qualifications listed on their posting. Therefore, I should apply for jobs in which I don't meet the minimum requirements. Let them edit me out, I should always apply.
So what happens when I'm a perfect fit for the job description, where I do meet 100% of the qualifications, but I still don't get chosen? It's got to be something more at that point.

3. I've spent at least 8 hours in the past few days looking online for jobs to apply for. Of the positions that are in non-profit, 75% of them are "development", as in fund-raising. That's an area I have no experience in, and I don't do it well. I'm not a very convincing person, and I don't want to in any way manipulate people into doing something they don't want to do, ie give money to my organization. Especially if it's not a cause I don't have a huge passion for. There are many great causes out there, and I respect them, but personally, I can't in good conscience try to convince people to give them money. At least not if that's 90% of my job. I'd be willing to try of it's only 10% of my job description.
The next 10% of jobs that I've found that look interesting are "unpaid internships" or "volunteer positions". AKA, they don't pay a dime. Which, as we discussed under #1, is not an option with student loans hanging over my head. Which is quite unfortunate for me and the organization, because a lot of them are jobs that I would do very well in.
Then 10% are positions that require 10-15 years technical experience. They are generally for positions like "executive director" or "program manager", positions that I really am not qualified for, even though they look very interesting and, to some extent, feel like I could do.

Answer #1

2010-09-28T18:52:00.000-04:00

Somehow, it came already.

"As I stand on the edge of "what in the world is next" and "how do I put this education to good use," I thought, "Man, I spent a lot of money on this degree. Was it worth it?" And I just came to the conclusion that it was worth it. Simply by the fact that I am cherishing these friendships and the memories of both living in L.A. and the times since, I wouldn't change the past, I cannot regret the dollars spent on grad school. These people have inspired and challenged me and whether they know it or now, they are helping me change, shaping me every day.

And they make me laugh. Every day."

Thanks, Jackie.

Test #1

2010-09-28T18:44:00.002-04:00

Um, hi.

This is a test.

I am a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come. But will it stay? Will the old person resurface inside of me? Will old habits, thought patterns, insecurities find space again in my heart and mind?

This is a test. Pray for me.

China v1

2010-09-12T12:06:00.001-04:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

back from China

2010-08-30T20:07:00.002-04:00

It strikes me as ironic that my URL is "India on my mind", but I just returned from 2 months in China. A friend there suggested that few people like both India and China, they usually hate one and love the other. I neither loved nor hated China, and I have yet to go to India. It makes me wonder how I will like it!

So I've been back on US soil for less than 48 hours, and already I hate re-entry. My first few hours were great. My friend Libby picked me up from the airport and we went straight to my friend Eric's going away party. He is moving to Scotland, and I've already been planning my trip to the UK! It was great that I got to see him before he left, and it was fun to see a few other friends, too.

Yesterday I didn't leave my apartment all day. I spent most of it vegging on the couch. I didn't have the mental capacity to start my schoolwork yet, but I did unpack and do 4 loads of laundry. However, I foolishly didn't go to bed until 5am, then slept until 2pm. I'm already regretting that one! I didn't sleep that well. For the second night, I kept waking up, confused about which Asian city I was in! I think if I had gone to bed by a decent hour, I could have avoided the jetlag thing entirely.

So it's now 5pm, and I've gotten out of bed once: to make a pot of coffee to stave off the caffeine headache. It's strange to not have a job to go to, or any other commitments that require my presence at a certain time and place.

My friend Brian called me at 3pm. He was on his way home from work on the East Coast, I still hadn't gotten out of bed. He asked about China, but I'm already tired of talking about it. I'm sure I'll get into a routine - find a speech and repeat it over again to everyone who asks. If you read this and talk to me about China, it will probably be better for both of us if you ask me a more original question. I will appreciate the opportunity to think about a different aspect of my trip, and you'll get more than the standard reply. ;-) But I promise to answer even the more boring questions.

Thanks for checking back into my blog after a 3-month hiatus! There is more to come, I think, now that I'm state-side and job hunting!

Community Takes Time

2010-05-04T14:36:00.003-04:00

So I've been in Pasadena for 20 months now. And I've potentially only got between 6 weeks and the rest of my life left. ;-)

I got out of my apartment this morning to attend the "Peace and Justice Concerns" meeting. My friend Sara invited me to hear her speak about her recent trip to Haiti, about 6 weeks after the earthquake. I loved hearing her own words about her experience, and she also shared a Lament for Haiti, written by the president and CEO of Food for the Hungry, Benjamin K. Homan. It is a moving piece that I would have loved to have read during my Old Testament Writings class when we studied Lamentations. The modern application of the Scriptures is transformative for me. I'm grateful for this example to use as a model for the suffering I will undoubtedly come across in my future.

As I left the meeting, I passed by a few friends. I chatted with Katy about what classes and assignments we are working on this week. I caught up with Bryant, the professor of one of my classes, to clarify with him what our final paper is supposed to be about. I then came to the library and found Matt, with whom I discussed the same paper and our plans for the weekend. Now as I sit near the entrance, I am able to wave to friends as they pass by to study.

A few of these people I met my first quarter here, but many I've met in recent weeks. With some I am able to share deeper things that I am working through, and with some I have more surface-level conversations.

I went camping this past weekend, in celebration of my friend Eric's 30th birthday. Of the 9 of us there, by the end of the weekend, I was the only one still in my 20's. :-) Most of the group is a part of the same small group that has existed for 6+ years. These people have been friends a long time! Even though I had just met them, I could see they shared deep friendships. They were comfortable with each other and confident in their friendships. There was an intangible quality of love and security that wasn't limited to their group, but included me and another friend who wasn't part of their small group. It was so refreshing to me to included and accepted into this group of mature friendship.

So as I reflect on my time here in Pasadena, I can see how true community takes time. It takes commitment to one another beyond the demands of school, work, and family. It takes a selfless love that doesn't leave room for competition or jealousy. It takes sustained months and years of continued relationship, and I was so grateful to witness that in this group of friends.

As I think about my impending departure, I am sad that I won't have the opportunity to build those deep friendships and relationships. I will still stay in touch with many of my classmates and friends here, and time will deepen those friendships as long as we stay in touch. But it isn't the same as living together, of doing life together. Nor does it discount the friendships that were only just made. I am thankful to get to know the new students this quarter and share life with them, if only for 10 weeks. That shorter relationship still has value.

But true community takes time, and I am grateful for the community that I left in Virginia that still has a deep hold on my life.

tidbits

2010-04-04T04:20:00.002-04:00

i can't believe i'm still up at 1:20am. it's been a very long day - exhausting both physically and emotionally.

i've learned a lot about myself this week, but i still have a lot of processing to do. for one, i definitely need a tad more structure in my life than not! not necessarily a 9 to 5, though i've never really had one of those, so maybe!

i also need to have waaay more grace and patience with myself. and also with others.

there is a pair of house finches that drink from the watering can on my 5th floor balcony. i may have put it there for them.

my dad is super cute. he gets really into whatever it is i'm talking about. he pretty much has a meteorology degree through me. today i started talking about starbucks stock, so he got online and did all this research about good old "SBUX" while we were talking. then i mentioned that i'm considering buying my friend's scooter, so he got online and started researching that, finding others that are cheaper and a too good to be true dealership here in southern California, etc. it was cute. when i mentioned it to him, he said, "i like to live vicariously through you." i laughed. at least he admits it!

i was reading Groody's Globalization, Spirituality, and Justice today. it's pretty amazing. every paragraph had me chewing for a while. not to mention it was pretty convicting. it's good stuff, get it!

Spring Break

2010-03-28T13:25:00.003-04:00

Spring Break is kind of hard. I've been intentionally trying to rest this week, but it hasn't worked. I've been sleeping a lot, which I suppose is good, but I'm realizing my soul isn't very well rested. Spending quality time with friends, getting out into nature, and accomplishing things I normally wouldn't have time for all are what I think makes me feel good. But it hasn't really worked.

I was in a pretty bad funk for about the month of January, and I don't want to go back to that, but I fear that's what I'm slipping into. The only similarity, that I am noticing at the moment, is the "post-trip low". For Christmas, I had the joy of traveling with my family. A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to attend a Disaster Response Training conference in TN, so I was able to fly out and see a couple friends, too. But as my friend says, "I'm not happy unless the next trip is in my inbox."

Practicum has the possibility of being that next trip in my inbox, but financially I just have no idea if it will happen. I may need to stay here in the LA area. It's rather disappointing.

Ah, well, I did have a few fun experiences this week. I was able to go to Joshua Tree for the day on Thursday. Joshua Tree is possibly my favorite national park. Yes, it's that amazing! At least for an east-coast girl like myself, for whom the desert is a novelty. There was a group of 13 of us who ventured there, and only a few of us had been before. Each of them was amazed! Several told me they had no idea how amazing J-Tree is. They said they were expecting miles and miles of desert nothing-ness with a few Joshua Trees sprinkled in. They were amazed to find so many piles of rocks and boulders to climb around on! The rocks are primarily weathered granite, which makes them super grippy and easy to scramble across. Not to mention the Joshua Trees were in bloom, and a few other smaller cacti, too. It was a beautiful, even if a little windy.

I also was able to catch up with a couple friends that I don't get to see very often. It was nice to sit and chat with them to see what's been going on with them recently. I liked that. I've also been working a lot, and income is good! I really do enjoy my job, for the most part, and I'm thankful that on my laziest days, it at least gets me out of the house!!

So today is the day I venture out to Malibu. Hopefully it's a restful day in more than one way!

The spring quarter starts tomorrow!

today...

2010-02-21T01:48:00.001-05:00

Today, I will let Justin tell my tale.

Time Won't Leave Me As I Am

Jamie

2010-02-18T20:29:00.002-05:00

I don't have much to say today.

But I think Jamie does:

"I Meet with Poverty on Tuesdays"

suffering and lament.

2010-02-12T00:38:00.001-05:00

The suffering of Job is incredible, and I don’t understand how it all fits together.
The suffering we endure is incredible; my heart breaks over the deep losses of life we experience.
I need to learn how to lament these losses.
My professor said that we need to cultivate the ability to be with people who are suffering without trying to explain it to them. This is truly a virtue. I agree.
My friends in South Africa are artists working with social justice issues, including orphans and racial reconciliation. In their latest field report is a photo of the rooftops of a poor township with two lines underneath:
forgiveness and grief sing together
the songs of our time, of all time.

Job’s confession to God rings true:
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” 42.2

a sunday by any other name...

2010-01-24T20:15:00.003-05:00

i just came from a baby shower, and i'm exhausted! i really enjoyed honoring my friend melinda, and i really enjoyed meeting her neighbors and a few other friends. all of them are married, and all but one have kids of their own, so yeah, i felt slightly out of place. nothing better to remind me that God's timing is perfect for me! i'm so glad i wasn't one of them!

but it was also a small world... i started talking with one woman who is from oklahoma. then i chatted it up with the host, who graduated from OU. and her husband did, too, though all of them a few years ahead of me. afterwards, when the husband and kids came home, i chatted with him for a minute, and he told me about a prank he played on his sophomore year roommate, who was a meteorology major. yeah, we're geeks. but i enjoyed playing the small world game again.

but yeah... meeting all those new people took it out of me. proof yet again that i'm an introvert.

after church today, i went to dim sum! so delicious! the place we went only had chinese (cantonese, i think?) on the menu, and the servers barely spoke english. aside from 2 other white guys across the room (eating with an asian family), elijah, joe and i were the only white people there. it was great! as elijah said, it's great to be an honorary asian! our friends on either side of us kept asking us what we wanted, or if we wanted the food being offered to us, and elijah and i could not find a way to communicate that even if you told us what something was, we'd never had it before, and therefore would have no idea if we'd like it or not.

let me back up a moment. dim sum is like a moving buffet. servers push around carts with all sorts of dishes, mostly smaller appetizer-like foods that come 4 to a plate. they then stamp a card that's on the table, and we all dig in (well, 4 of us at least). then another cart comes around with maybe 3 different dishes on it, and we pick things from that cart to share. at the end of the meal, the 9 of us had tried maybe 30 dishes, with some repeats. then we hand the card back to them, and they figure out how much our table owes. for this meal, our bill (tip included) came to $11/person. not too shabby for such a yummy meal!

so back to our table... elijah and i had no idea what we were being offered. we did understand "shrimp" or "vegetables", but not the names of the dishes! his philosophy was that he'd try anything once, and minus the green bell peppers, i complied. so worth it! it was a great experience to have, and quite authentic!

so tonight is a study session for a test tomorrow. sara hosted a going away party last night for some friends moving to cambodia, so she is hosting us tonight with her leftovers! i'm pretty excited! but now that means i should read some on my own, so that i have something to offer when we all get together tonight...

off to study i go!

Vision

2010-01-20T12:35:00.003-05:00

This quarter is a little hard for me. I am an SIS student who loves to focus on application and practicalities. I definitely need the theoretical, bigger picture as a frame of reference for what I learn and what I'm involved in, but if none of that changes or affects what I'm doing now, or will do in the future, I lose interest.

Welcome to my quarter. Due to the way classes were scheduled this quarter, as well as the fact that I took the majority of my core classes last year, I'm only in theology classes this quarter.

I am taking Old Testament Writings with Jim Butler, who is a very kind and sincere man. He exudes passion for his subjects but in very understated ways that could be easy to miss. I really appreciate this about him! I actually have noticed it in all my theology/Bible professors thus far; each one teaches the classes for years, yet every lecture isn't just a recitation of the old, but teaching like it's the first time. It's easy to see the professors' love for their subjects!

My next class is New Testament 2: Acts-Revelation, with Love Sechrest. Dr. Sechrest is a brilliant woman who has so much to offer every lecture that I think she may be frustrated that she wasn't able to share all that she wanted to. Yet she faithfully ends classes on time, respectful of the students' time.

Finally, I'm taking Jesus and the Kingdom of God with Joel Green. Wow. This is an elective for me, and I'm glad to remember that to get me to class at 8am twice a week (I'm not a morning person and often work until 11pm)! I took this class as an opportunity to wrestle with the idea of the Kingdom of God, and what Jesus meant when he proclaimed it. I'm not interested in simply learning the historic facts and learning what all the historians and theologians have to say. Knowing their perspective is helpful, but not where I want to go with the class. So, I took this class pass/fail (see my previous post on "The Joys of Pass/Fail" for more on this subject!). At any rate, I feel like the class thus far is a little over my head, and hasn't satisfied my itch much at all. I am sure it will get better as we dive more into the texts of the gospels, though.

So with a schedule like that, it's hard to motivate myself to do all the assigned readings. I KNOW that all of this material will be so much more appreciated 3, or 23 years from now, and it's one of the reasons I came to a seminary for a cross-cultural and development education. I need the Biblical foundation for my life, and I want to be a holistic development practitioner who has integrated her faith with her career. But I'm not passionate about any of these subjects, and I don't have any classes this quarter that I absolutely love. Next quarter will be a different story! I haven't had any other quarters like this, it's just the way it has worked out for me.

I know this is just one short season of my time here at Fuller.

Where there is no vision, the people perish.

This is one of those times to remember the vision God has given to me. This is when I need to remember the dreams and passions he has put in my heart. I need to maintain the vision of what is to come to motivate me in the present.

Thankfully, God has blessed me with life-giving opportunities every day. I am finding that I enjoy my job more now, and I am finding good friends in my coworkers. I used to be too busy with projects and papers to hang out outside of work. I am learning to be more intentional about meeting up with friends here who I don't see in my classes anymore, or calling those who don't live nearby. It's good, and I am thankful.

2.5 weeks down, 7.5 weeks to go!

the glass is half full tonight

2010-01-08T02:16:00.003-05:00

i'm not quite certain where i'm going with this one, so bear with me.

it's been almost a month since my last post. i just didn't feel like sharing anything.

i had a somewhat strange experience tonight that could be a sign of how bad this quarter could be. it reminded me of how crappy last winter quarter was. then i remembered how spring really wasn't much better, but for entirely different reasons. then summer... ugh. i feel like i barely scraped by in the fall quarter, so i was thinking that last fall was my only good quarter. then i remembered telling a story (today! even!) about a class i had last fall that had me on the phone with my dad before class for 2 weeks straight, just trying to make myself GO to this terrible class.

i'm such a pessimist. i thrive on being critical and creating drama out of just-barely-not-good situations. it really is strange.

so, starting with the fall of 2008, i will remember the good:
fall 2008: came to a great school, had a really neat learning experience in the class i cried repeatedly about, found a great group of friends in a unique church, and took one of the quintessential classes of my program that i LOVED.

winter 2009: took the other quintessential class that changed the way i think; learned that photography can be worship; and met God in ways i didn't think were possible given my circumstances.

spring 2009: didn't die. no wait, ok, i did the best academically this quarter than any other, and learned some good lessons along the way. in the break between winter and spring, i organized a camping trip in which no one died, too, tho i was tempted to leave a dog to die, and one guy on the trip felt like he was dying with kidney stones.

summer 2009: hosted some friends and family, took a couple trips to see friends and family, and learned my academic limits. i also experienced one of those bottoming out experiences in which i KNOW my life can only be in control of a good Father, cos i'm certainly not in control of it! the best part of summer was that it ended.

fall 2009: regained some traction in my academic capabilities, started volunteering, and had a fun Christmas break with my family.

so what will winter 2010 hold? time will only tell.

refugees paper wordle

2009-12-10T04:32:00.001-05:00

title="Wordle: refugees in god's sight"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/1433865/refugees_in_god%27s_sight"
alt="Wordle: refugees in god's sight"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Thanksgiving and more

2009-12-01T17:35:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the brief hiatus. This is week ten of the quarter, which means that everything is coming down to the wire. The rough draft of my final paper for my research methods class was due today (or so I thought), and we each had 15 minute individual presentations. We also had an 8-10 page paper due for my ethics class today. Needless to say, these assignments made for a busy holiday!

I enjoyed my Thanksgiving! Working in retail, it was a busy weekend! I was happy to get paid overtime on Thanksgiving Day and allow my coworkers with family in the area to spend the day with them. A friend of mine picked me up after work to take me to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t the only one who was late, so I didn’t feel awkward and enjoyed the food! We played a few different games afterward, then enjoyed a round of dessert. The company was great, the food was outstanding, and it was my best option if I had to be away from my family.

The rest of the weekend was just as productive and fun: a lot of working, a lot of schoolwork, and the perfect dosage of spending time with friends. Really, I have so much to be thankful for, and my friends are one such category! I am continually impressed with their hospitality and service to one another and to me. Things are not always perfect, and we certainly have conflict, but I truly appreciate their commitment to love me as part of the body of Christ. It’s quite humbling!

Today after class, I had the opportunity to chat with a classmate about our research experiences. We weren’t in the same discussion groups throughout the quarter, nor the same presentation group today, so she asked me to summarize the missiological implications of the research I did. My research was in a retail setting, and my conclusion was that we all have to treat whoever is in front of us like a person. Our culture and society push us to view people for what they’re worth in terms of what they can do for me. Employees at any corporation we encounter, whether it’s retail, a restaurant, a customer service call center, or anywhere are more than the role they represent to us right now. The “idiot” mailman who stuffs all my mail into the box and bends my photos has a wife and children at home. The “annoying” customer has had a lot of stress at work recently. The “lazy” group member for my class has been sick a lot this quarter and can’t keep up with the reading. These are people, set in families and social systems and who have lives outside of whatever role they are performing for me right now. The moment I lose sight of that and reduce them to “a server” or “a poor performer” is the moment I treat them as less than human, and this is a sin. They deserve the same dignity and respect that anyone I love deserves, whether they are serving my needs or not. Regardless of his or her ability to succeed in a role or a position, each person I come into contact with each day deserves to be truly seen and acknowledged as a person. That is the way I have failed to treat others the way I would like to be treated and have insulted the God whose image they were created in.

grace enough.

2009-11-21T04:05:00.003-05:00

as you know, i'm not perfect. :-P

i've had a couple more-honest-than-i-really-want-to-be moments recently, and i'm a little embarrassed by them. i feel like i should be making a face like the one brad pitt makes in ocean's 12 when he realizes his phone was stolen by his ex-girlfriend-cop (catherine zeta-jones) when she came to the apartment, which now nixes the team's entire plan. it's a bit like an "ouch" face mixed with disbelief and a twinge of regret. yeah, that face.

anyway, in my head tonight, i am making that face and apologizing to a friend that i have recently treated poorly. in this made-up conversation, said friend (knowing why i behaved the way i did) pushes me a bit to the deeper issue of my heart, kindly and gently not letting me off the hook.

and my response is something like, "God is good. and i'm slowly working through this deeper issue in my heart. i am slowly healing, forgiving, and finding forgiveness. but i'm a girl with a dash of crazy. this is just a process that takes time. and for the first time, i don't imagine God standing there with His arms crossed, tapping His foot saying, 'come on, dianne, time to get your act together.' for once, i feel like i don't have to responsibly smother the crazy to get it 'right.' i feel like God gets that crazy side of me and it's ok, at least for now. it's part of me that definitely requires training, but it isn't going away overnight, and He's ok with that, and He loves me and has grace for me even now."

and so, for tonight, that's enough. God is good, and His grace is enough for me.

scared.

2009-11-15T19:55:00.003-05:00

i am scared. i am excited, but mostly scared.

my assignments this quarter are a bit overwhelming to me. not because i feel they ask too much of me (academically or time-wise), but because they touch something deep within my heart.

A. for my "Christian Ethics" class, the paper i'm working on now is essentially defining my beliefs about justice and righteousness. these two words have stood out to me in my own personal readings of the Bible for a couple years now. they almost haunt me with their bigness, boldness, ever-presence and unattainability. (yes i probably just made that word up.) i learned in my OT Prophets class that the 2 Hebrew words for justice and righteousness, tsedeqah and mishpat, do a little dance. they go together in many OT passages, each complementing the other. our english words for them don't really fully explain their real meaning. they are so full of meaning that i am in awe, especially if we, as Christians, are required/responsible/help to bring the meaning of these words into reality. it's completely overwhelming and yet so beautiful. it is certainly part of my life's call to engender these words and bring justice and righteousness to the earth.

in Stassen and Gushee's book Kingdom Ethics, they outline "justice" in four dimensions.
“(1) deliverance of the poor and powerless from the injustice that they regularly experience;
(2) lifting the foot of domineering power off the neck of the dominated and oppressed;
(3) stopping the violence and establishing peace; and
(4) restoring the outcasts, the excluded, the Gentiles, the exiles and the refugees to community.” (349)

i would abosolutely love it if at the end of my life, someone could say these are things i have worked towards.

to even say that is a little scary! it's a little mind-boggling and overwhelming to actually say, yes, this is what i want my life to look like.

the assignment i'm working on is essentially defining these terms, putting them into language a new believer in my church would understand (cutting out all the "seminary" words), and applying these concepts to the juvenile justice system in place in LA today. we watched a documentary called Juvies and are now asked to respond, in light of our theological understanding of justice/righteousness. wow.

B. the other assignment for this class that i have left to complete is to volunteer for 5 hours and write an analysis of how the organization is living out Christian mission. i have been volunteering at IRIS - Interfaith Refugee and Immigration Services, and i LOVE it. i've been leading a "life group" from my church, and the whole purpose of our group is to serve. we show up at IRIS on friday mornings, serve coffee to refugees, unload a truck with canned goods and produce, bag the food, and distribute it to the 100+ people who come every week. it's typical food-bank type stuff, but this is an organization that is really doing something. i am trying to work out a way to work with them for at least part of my required practicum.

let me tell you, these guys are the real deal. they are actively reaching out to refugees - Iraqis fleeing the war, Armenian Christians fleeing persecution in Iran, etc. i am definitely excited to hear more of their stories. the more i learn about the plight of refugees - these and all across the globe, the more i want to serve them, work with them, restore them.

C. i took an incomplete this summer in my advocacy class, and my last assignment is the only one i have to complete. but it is essentially choosing an issue to advocate for, research it theologically and historically within different church traditions (Catholic, Anabaptist, Evangelical), and create an action plan for a congregation. if you couldn't guess, i think i've found a legitimate topic! and i'm already "doing" the action plan! so i'm really excited about it, but also really scared! i don't want to be graded on something i'm already committed to. i wish my life experience were proof enough that i learned something in the advocacy class! i don't want to have to write a paper on it, too!

so yeah, a lot of stuff close to my heart that seems overwhelming. but i'm excited.

gray areas.

2009-11-14T02:25:00.003-05:00

being bitter is no fun. really, it's not. but i'm not sure what to do about it. i wonder if it's one of the 5 stages of grief. along with the bitterness comes a lot of anger, and i know that's one of the stages of grief. it's kind of ridiculous how long it's taken me to get this far. it's only been this week that i realized i'm allowed to be angry.

and so i am. i am very angry. and unfortunately, my anger has had some undeserving victims, including the boy who happened to crash the aforementioned glee-watching-night. it really wasn't his fault. (i'm sorry, elijah.)

it seems like our Christian culture has just tried to squash all "negative" emotions. i don't know what to do with them. i really don't. i don't know a productive, or at least less-sinful way to be angry. i don't know how to heal, how to get to the next step (whatever it is) in this journey. i thought i had forgiven, can i still be angry after i've forgiven? is it possible? i don't know. have i forgiven parts but not all? how do you go on with life after forgiveness? in a sense, the damage has been done. i just don't know.

and so i kind of gave up. i don't want to be angry, but i do want vindication, of a sort. a friend of mine this week treated me in a very healing way, going out of her way to behave the opposite of (one of) the way(s) i'd been hurt. i don't think she fully understands the redemption of her act, i'm not sure if she realizes how much i'd been hurt by doing the opposite of what she did; she just did it because she was treating me the way she wanted to be treated. it was great. (it did take another friend to point out the beauty of this redemption, however; i didn't see it myself.)

and so i want to move on. part of me is just waiting for time - time doesn't heal all wounds, but it helps. space helps, to a point.

in all honesty, the hardest part is navigating the external stuff. the stuff that goes well beyond the issue, the hurt, the (end of the) relationship. i don't know how to talk in a healthy way. i don't want to gossip (really, i don't), but i'm a verbal processor. how do i walk that line? how do i get healing without sinning more? God really has been amazing to me, to give me clarity and insight that could only have come from Him. He is certainly good and is bringing me to wholeness, maturity, and healing. but He definitely uses people for some of that, and it's all a gray area.

so where do i go from here? how do i walk this out?

...one of those days

2009-11-12T01:59:00.003-05:00

it's been one of those days. i went to a meeting an hour early just because i got confused and forgot what time it was supposed to be.

a boy crashed our girls-night-glee-watching party. stupid boys.

i woke up with a killer sore throat and had to cancel a coffee date with a friend i've been trying to hang out with for 7 weeks now.

it's week SEVEN of the quarter. where does the time go?

we had a meeting at work yesterday. my position requires a LOT more sales now than it used to, and i HATE that. to the tune of dreading going to work tomorrow.

i'm really sad that i may not be able to leave the country to do my practicum. i can't figure out how to fit it into my degree plan to split it, and i plain can't afford it.

i was painfully reminded that this year, i can't inquire about my friends' thanksgiving plans. argh.

i did enjoy pizza with my lifegroup for dinner. :-)

and the mat kearney concert last night was killer.

it was WARM today when i got to sit outside with hanne, who face-hugs.

hurt by the church

2009-11-09T02:16:00.003-05:00

when we say we've been "hurt by the church", what do we really mean? the church is just people, right? do we really mean that we've been hurt by pastors, those in positions of authority within specific congregations? are we hurt because people within the church have hurt us and leaders stood idly by and let that hurt happen? or created structures that allowed that hurt to happen? or knew about it and didn't stop it? part of me is really wondering, part of me is wanting to really look at my own experiences and how i describe them.

i say that i've been hurt by my "the church". but really, i mean that i've been hurt by members of that church. a situation occurred and others jumped in to help the affected person. and in the process, i was hurt. and really, my hurt seemed illegitimate and petty. so then i felt ashamed that i was hurt. and i was angry and embarrassed, and i felt that i didn't have the right to feel that way. so i was angry with myself for responding so selfishly in being hurt. and no one checked in on me, or in any way validated my hurt or even addressed it. or any of my emotions, really, that were by now, way over the top. i had so much self-hatred that i'm sure it affected me in ways i don't even understand to this day.

i was talking to a friend today about this topic, and as she was sharing her story of being hurt but the pastor taking good care of her. it was a very redemptive, restorative, healing moment for her. i started crying in realizing that i haven't had anything of the sort, nor am i even brave enough to bring it up. all of this happened so long ago in the past, yet i am still ashamed of how i felt. and i'm probably ashamed even now of how i dealt with it (or didn't deal with it, i didn't know how).

but how is that "hurt by the church"? did i let anyone know what was going on? the situation was carried out in good faith by others, but it still affected me. it wasn't exactly a ministry of the church (nothing official), but it was clear that the relational bounds of those involved only existed because of the friendships formed through the church. is that enough to classify "the church"? or is it that no one else stepped in to help? or could they have? what is it that i am really holding against "the church"?? i'm not really sure, but i'm standing my ground.

and God, heal my heart.

thoughts from my ethics class

2009-11-05T17:14:00.002-05:00

this week in Christian Ethics, we have been discussing race and ethnicity. oh, and sexuality, but that's a different story.

at least half of the class today could be summed up by this quote:
"If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come here because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." -Lilla Watson

it was a great discussion. as i was listening to the class around me, i was reminded of this quote but couldn't remember it verbatim, so i googled it. i came across a blog that used it, and i read the whole post. i have no idea who this person is, or where she is, or what her background, or what work she is doing. so taking everything she has said at face value, i really appreciated her thoughts on international community development and the sense of superiority that we, as americans, often have in other countries. her post can be found here, and here is an excerpt that rang true with me (tho my story is quite different from hers):

"I will expound on that question in another blog [How do you empower people to help themselves when they have absolutely nothing to work from??], but currently, I am confronting some fundamental issues on the structure of our work here. Although we are from impacted community ourselves, we (us folks from the US) still come from privilege being from America. Being of color does not, by any means, put us on the same playing field as the people here. We are all very aware that our 1st world status gives us economic and educational privilege. Yet, we are unique in that, for example, both Nadia and Jon, who are both African Americans from the South can claim that black southerners experience poverty and neglect that resembles the discrepancy between the Acholis and the rest of Uganda. I feel a strong connection to this work through my connection to my roots, the struggles of my father’s family, my experience being bi-racial and the daughter of an immigrant, and my previous traveling experiences. I connect the experience of my father’s family growing up in the Philippines, the struggles of Filipinos in the Philippines and in other countries (discrimination, marginalization, domestic violence.. etc), the struggles I’ve witnessed amongst the peoples in other developing communities to my work here. Therefore, this work becomes personal, and as I have travelled and made connections with people living in the Ukraine, Thailand, Nepal, Egypt, and Ecuador – the urgent need to transcend race, ethnicity, religion, nationality to unite on a global front to work for social justice becomes even more pressing. My identity is no longer limited to my family, friends, ethnicity, or nationality – it transcends and includes all those I have connected with in all those places. I am no longer just obligated to care for people in my immediate community, city, or country – I am obligated to work for change that includes all whom I have met along the way and all those whom I have yet to meet and those whom I will never meet. Their struggles are bound up in mine and my liberation can only be found through theirs."

This was essentially the point in the readings our quiz was on this week, and it was great to hear someone's firsthand experience leading them to the same conclusion.

a little follow up.

2009-11-03T12:20:00.001-05:00

i didn't even realize it, but The Semi, the weekly campus publication, has been highlighting recovery ministry for the last 2 weeks. my friend elijah wrote an article for it, which he posted on his blog, Wish You Were Here. check it out.

confessions and heros

2009-11-01T02:41:00.002-05:00

i have a confession to make:
i haven't always had the best attitude about or toward "recovery ministry." in fact, i've been downright snobbish and condescending, at least in my heart if not forthright. my thought has been along the lines of "i'm not like those people. they just needed more self-control and discipline from the start. it's their own fault they now need Alcoholic Anonymous (or any other recovery ministry or support group)".

whether or not there is any truth at all to these statements, it's a terrible place for me to be. by saying these things (or thinking them), i'm judging people i don't know and somehow reaching a false conclusion. my attitude suggests that i limit the grace i extend, and i also don't believe i am in need of the same grace.

at some point this summer, in the midst of the craziness, i read an article about people of a certain age having mid-life crises. the circumstances of their lives were pretty terrible, and it compared two groups of those people: those who were alcoholics and had participated in a group like AA, and those who weren't/hadn't. the results were surprising, at least to me. i would have thought that in times that rough, the recovering addicts would go back to their addictions to numb the pain. what actually happened was that they reached out for help. they knew they couldn't face the circumstances by themselves, and AA had taught them that they needed a support system to help them through the rough times. the ones who hadn't been through AA withdrew and didn't reach out for help.

a year or three later, the study caught up with both sets of people. the recovering addicts had more stable and fulfilling lives than their counterparts who thought they could endure independently.

this one article highlighted my own need for community. i couldn't have faced my rough circumstances alone. i had reached the end of myself, the end of my ability to endure, the end of my self-sufficiency. i needed to reach out and ask for help, and i did. it was the first in a series of lessons on community that God has been teaching me.

but at the same time, that was a realization, to me, of the importance and legitimacy of recovery ministries. don't get me wrong, i know they are amazing and have a place, but i didn't see their importance to me at all.

so tonight, i went to a halloween party. i got off work a bit early, so i was able to swing by a friend's place for his party. my friend is a recovering alcoholic and addict. he lives in an apartment connected to a half-way house. it was a small gathering (at least for the few minutes i was there), and all the other guests were also recovering _______s. i gathered that most of them had been sober for a while and were also leaders of AA or NA.

i wasn't able to stay for long, but their conversation astounded me. i realized the tenacity, endurance, and sorrows of their fight. they mentioned a friend who had overdosed and died last week. that's not common in my circle of friends, and yet these friends embraced the news with grace and resolve to keep the same fate from others they know. they mentioned coworkers who were finding the help they needed. i was amazed by the fierceness of the fight they fight everyday for their friends and loved ones. the trials, pains, and temptations they must have endured to 1) need something like AA in the first place; 2) get sober; 3) stay sober; and 4) fight for and alongside others is beyond me. i'm sure i couldn't even get past stage one.

they amazed me, and i am humbled by their endurance and passion. tho i used to think those people were beneath me, i now realize it is quite the other way around. and i am so blessed to know them. they are my new heroes.

enlarge the place where this truth fits

2009-10-18T15:59:00.003-04:00

i was just doing my usual internet surfing, checking friend's blogs and the news. i came across this article: More than 1 billion people going hungry, UN says. i read the first line, and i fell back in my seat and breathed a low "wow."

how do i respond to such a thing? i hope the next breath includes a "God have mercy!" prayer. and yes, God, have mercy! have mercy on these people, have mercy on the rest of the world that is fed and overfed, and have mercy on me, one who has more than i could ever need. God come, have mercy. enlarge the place where this truth fits.

i read an article this past week by walter brueggemann.* he describes how (based on Old Testament passages) we have the option to eat and be satisfied, or eat until we're fat. in one option, we are citizens, in the other, we are consumers. depending on our mindset, we either operate out of our recognition of God the Creator who sustains us, or we think that we're somehow in control, but we fear losing that control, so we take all we can while it's still available to us. we reduce ourselves to consuming for our own benefit, rather than participating with humility and a proper view of where our sustenance comes from, and our dependence on one another to serve and be served.

i need this to be my governing perspective. i am a dependent creature. i am dependent on my Creator to sustain my life. i live because of God's goodness to me, and i am unable to provide for myself. furthermore, i am dependent others, on my community. i trust that as they, like myself, are dependent on the One true sustainer and trust Him, we will take responsibility to look out for one another. if i am certain God will provide for me, i am no longer bound by selfish consumerism and can freely give to others. indeed, as Brueggemann says, "It is clear of course that when creatures opt for only consumerism and forget that larger reach of citizenship, the need and entitlements of widow, orphan, and illegal immigrant evaporate in an ocean of self-preoccupation.”

i am not a self-sustaining person. i cannot live this life completely independently, like i try to convince myself sometimes. i am bound in a covenantal relationship to my Creator, and by extension, to His creatures. i am placed in a community and i have obligations to them. i cannot extract myself from them, nor should i! i am dependent on them, just as they are dependent on me. and it is a beautiful relationship, even if it is broken.

yes, Lord, enlarge the place where this truth fits!

*Bruggemann, Walter. “Options for Creatureliness: Consumer or Citizen.” In Horizons in Biblical Theology, Vol. 23 (2001), pp. 25-50.

from my reading for "Christian Ethics"

2009-10-16T03:30:00.003-04:00

from "Theological Foundations for Male-Female Relationships", by Stanley J. Grenz
(Journal of the Evangelical Theological Society, 41.04 pp 615-630)

"To summarize our second conclusion: Godly relationships between men and women emerge as we direct our life together toward the highest human task--namely, reflecting the divine character and thereby being the image of God. God's goal for us arises out of the procession of the third Trinitarian person, the Holy Spirit who, as the concretization of the divine love, is the one who creates that character in us. God's loving character becomes visible as we love one another, whether as partners who share the exclusive love relationship of marriage or as participants in the more inclusive nonmarital bonds that bring persons--both male and female--together within the context of Christ's fellowship. Within this fellowship our task is to help others, in the words of Vanier, to 'grow toward wholeness and to discover their place, and eventually exercise their gifts, in a network of friendship.' This requires, he adds, 'the integration of one's sexuality in a vision of fellowship and friendship. It implies that each one, man or woman, in his or her sexual being, must learn to love others, entering into relationships of communion..., tenderness and service, using their genital sexuality only in that particular covenant which is blessed by God.'"

(Jean Vanier, Man and Woman, p 97-98)

National Parks

2009-10-13T15:31:00.003-04:00

Is It "Elitist" To Try to Visit All 58 National Parks?
(thanks, Chad)
What do you think?

National Parks of the US:
(the ones I've been to are bolded)

Acadia National Park ME
Arches National Park UT
Badlands National Park SD (I've driven through, got the official map, but it was after dark, so I didn't really see it.)
Big Bend National Park TX
Biscayne National Park FL
Black Canyon Of The Gunnison National Park CO
Bryce Canyon National Park UT
Canyonlands National Park UT
Capitol Reef National Park UT
Carlsbad Caverns National Park NM
Channel Islands National Park CA
Congaree National Park SC
Crater Lake National Park OR
Cuyahoga Valley National Park OH
Death Valley National Park CA, NV
Denali National Park & Preserve AK
Dry Tortugas National Park FL
Everglades National Park FL
Gates Of The Arctic National Park & Preserve AK
Glacier National Park MT
Glacier Bay National Park & Preserve AK
Grand Canyon National Park AZ
Grand Teton National Park WY
Great Basin National Park NV
Great Sand Dunes National Park & Preserve CO
Great Smoky Mountains National Park NC, TN
Guadalupe Mountains National Park TX
Haleakala National Park HI
Hawaii Volcanoes National Park HI
Hot Springs National Park AR
Isle Royale National Park MI
Joshua Tree National Park CA
Katmai National Park & Preserve AK
Kenai Fjords National Park AK
Kobuk Valley National Park AK
Kings Canyon National Park CA
Lake Clark National Park & Preserve AK
Lassen Volcanic National Park CA (maybe? I can't remember...)
Mammoth Cave National Park KY
Mesa Verde National Park CO
Mount Rainier National Park WA
National Park of American Samoa AS
North Cascades National Park WA
Olympic National Park WA
Petrified Forest National Park AZ
Redwood National Park CA
Rocky Mountain National Park CO
Saguaro National Park AZ
Sequoia National Park CA
Shenandoah National Park VA
Theodore Roosevelt National Park ND
Virgin Islands National Park VI
Voyageurs National Park MN
Wind Cave National Park SD
Wrangell - St Elias National Park & Preserve AK
Yellowstone National Park ID, MT, WY
Yosemite National Park CA
Zion National Park UT

i am not superwoman*

2009-10-10T15:15:00.003-04:00

i can't do everything. i want to. i try to. if it looks interesting, if it looks like a good cause, if it looks like fun, i want to do it. but i can't do everything.

i am constantly on the brink of being overwhelmed. and then i want to add something else to my already busy schedule. at some point, i have to say no. i have to either live with the regret, or be content with being faithful with what is in front of me already.

i can't even wrap my head around all the special events (one-time or parties or something) that are happening in october. i almost can't wait for november simply because i think that life will somehow slow down then.

ao in a way, it comes down to priorities. what do i really think is the most important thing in life right now? and why don't my choices line up with that?

and part of my choices has to be realistic, too. if i don't go to a party on a saturday night, i'm probably not going to be doing homework, anyway. or maybe i should discipline myself a bit more and actually DO homework on a saturday night!

i definitely want to take advantage of unusual circumstances. for instance, a friend of mine who doesn't own a car was loaned a car for the weekend, so she suggested we use it to drive someplace we can't normally easily reach and go hiking. i really really wanted to go, as i love exploring new places, i love hiking, i love my friend and i love hanging out with her. but i have had a busy week! new things popped up each day, and i barely had any "down" time, much less much study time. and i have to be at work in 1.5 hrs, and i haven't touched that school work yet, but i definitely had some down time, and i got a few things done that needed to be done that i wouldn't normally prioritize (but are definitely really important!).

i have a few things rumbling around in my head that i need to decide about:

1) i have a job interview monday, and i'm going back and forth on whether i really want the job or not.
* because it's a job with the school, i'd have to give up a few things to take the job, for ethical reasons, which may be the piece of sanity i need to maintain a busy schedule. (i can't represent the school as both an employee and an unbiased student.)
* the hours would also limit a possible service opportunity for my life group from church, which is just getting started. so that could either be a closed door for that service opportunity, or it could kill the group with one fell swoop. ok, maybe not that dramatic, but it's something to consider.
* it could be a great opportunity to put on a resume and would give me experience in something i think i'd be good at, but haven't really tried. or, simply because of the title of the job, it could be inadvertently disastrous for future opportunities.
* the pay would be comparable to starbucks, but a strict 20 hrs/week. at sbux, i can change my hours to work less some weeks and more other weeks, which is helpful. but also stressful when i need more hours but am scheduled for fewer hours. it's a tossup... i think sbux is a little more profitable in the end.
* i am trying to build a budget, but it's hard to keep track of since i am paid in cash (tips) once a week, and i'm not good at keeping track of where that money goes. i basically use it to buy groceries and go out to eat with friends. it's not like that money just disappears into superfluous places, i just can't merge what i actually do with it into the website (mint.com) that i'm using to keep track of the rest of my finances, which is a bummer. SO, if i take the new job, i wouldn't have to worry about that, since i'd just get a "real" paycheck and no tips to worry about.
* starting a new job is hard. it's learning a new system, new people, etc. at sbux, i already know how everything works, even if i don't like how it all works.
* i suck at interviews. i really really do. i haven't had a successful (first) interview since i worked at the salvation army in college, which puts that interview in sept '03. and that interview was more a "are you sure you want to work here? we'd understand if you change your mind."
* a few other smaller considerations....

it kind of sounds like i should go to the interview just for the practice, then withdraw myself from the pool of candidates. or maybe i'll realize at the interview that i would LOVE this position. i'll let you know how it goes.

2) i have another huge topic rumbling around in my head that i can't publish in any kind of documented way. if you're curious, please talk to me, and i'd love to get your opinion on the matter. taking a few steps on this issue is a good chunk of how i spent my morning. it feels good to be moving on it!

3) i am SO stinking excited for Christmas. i really am. it's weird, i know. i am SO excited to be with my family in san fran!!! i am SO excited to show my parents around my adopted home/town. moreover, i am excited to have finished all my classes by then! it's a little sad to be glad to have classes over before they've even really begun, but considering i have 2 incompletes hanging over my head from summer, by dec 11, all will be finished! it will be the first time since the end of june that there won't be any "i should be working on that paper"-type thoughts guilting me in the back of my mind. yeah, can't wait.

4) i'm still trying to figure out a way to get back to VA for that week or two between when i'm done with classes and when i'm meeting my fam in san fran. i'm checking plane tickets with some frequency, but in reality, i don't have the money to pay for said plane tickets, nor do i have enough financial flexibility to skip those 2 weeks of pay that i'd be gone.

5) i had the joy of speaking to some old friends this week. when i think about it, they still make me happy. ;-) but i've also come to the realization that michael w. smith may have had it wrong. friends are not friends forever. i probably listened to him when i was a kid tell me that lie, and now i have unrealistic expectations of friendship. i just realized that i contacted several old friends this summer that i never heard back from. and now, i don't ever expect to speak to them or hear from them again. which is a little sad, but a little bittersweet. it releases me from being disappointed about expectations that will never be met. on the other hand, i have several phone dates that i owe people that i DO intend to keep in touch with.

so if you read this, please be praying for all this stuff. sheesh, i exhaust myself!

* this line, i believe i stole from this week's episode of glee.

thoughts from week 1

2009-09-29T21:36:00.002-04:00

there are so many people on campus! it's so weird! those of us who have been around all summer seem a bit overwhelmed: it went from eerily quiet to loud and busy so quickly!

i'm not nearly as excited about my classes this time around. i think it's primarily because i'm a bit burned out. there aren't any classes this quarter that really excite me. but after attending first lectures in all my classes (ok, both), i'm kind of relieved that they won't be as overwhelming as i had feared. neither will be easy, and both will require a lot of work, but the professors of both classes don't seem to have unrealistic expectations of their students, which is more than i can say for other professors.

the official SIS photo shoot was today. it's a tradition that goes back something like 60 years - a photo of all current School of Intercultural Studies students. i ran into my favorite professor there, who stopped to talk to me. i loved it. ;-) i also ran into a few other friends that i hadn't seen in weeks, or even all summer. that was great, too. you know what else was amazing? the weather! ahhh, so nice! for once, it was a "fall" day, though i know it won't last forever!

tonight i'm going on a night hike with Oasis. a few of us from pasadena are carpooling over to azusa to meet up with some APU students to hike the garcia trail. i don't know much about it, but i'm excited to get out and use my legs for more than transportation. that sounded a bit weird, but i'm excited.

this weekend i'm going to joshua tree again! i'm quite excited about that, too!! it's another Oasis trip, though i think our group will be smaller this time around, maybe 8 or 9 of us. last year we had 14, i think. matt is heading up our trip again, but maybe only 3 of us are repeats from last year?? i'm not sure. i don't even know what our plan is, but i can't wait!

on a more somber note, please pray for a friend of mine. they are going through a really rough time, are slightly disillusioned, and may be sent back to their country of origin because of visa issues. my heart hurts for this friend, but no amount of encouragement or praise will accomplish anything, so the best i can do is pray and ask you to pray.

i'm making masaman curry for dinner tomorrow night. funny to say, but i've been looking forward to it for a while now. tomorrow, i'm doing it! i've invited a few friends over to join me, so i'm glad for that, too. ;-) should be yummy and fun!

ooof. week 1. i'm really not ready for it. summer was too long and too short at the same time. i am SO thankful for a regular weekly schedule, though, even if that means i have to do a lot of work. i'm ready for that part.

i was looking at plane tickets today. i'm really not sure if i will make it back to VA in dec or not. if i go back for suzanne's wedding, i'll likely go dec 16. from there, i'll fly to san fran dec 23 or 24, then ride with my parents back down to pasadena/LA before new year's eve. or i could just fly from here up to san fran dec 23 or 24. it's $70 vs $410. kind of a big difference. and while i'm in VA, i can't be working at starbucks, either. so as of now, it's looking like VA is a no-go, unfortunately. i would LOVE to see all you VA people, so feel free to come visit me!

it really is amazing the difference the weather has on my attitude, or some other psychological impact. the cooler weather today really feels like a burden lifted off my shoulders. strange, but true. and clouds! there are clouds in the sky! they made for a pretty sunset just now!

well, that's probably enough about week 1. i'll post more later on the specifics of my classes this quarter.

compelled by love

2009-09-24T17:10:00.004-04:00

for the sake of many reasons and people, this blog post will be ambiguous. sorry.

i recently received an email that requested a response. it was a polite request, seasoned with hospitality and grace to decline. but it also contained the dreaded "R" word: responsibility. the request gently reminded me of my responsibility as a citizen of God's Kingdom to comply.

i had been pondering this "obligation" for some months now. in order to proceed with integrity, a past hurt needed to be forgiven and healed. i have forgiven, but it hasn't been healed completely. i also think taking this step in faith may be required to be completely healed.

in order to move in this direction, i need to take stock in the whole situation, not one small part of it. what i do see doesn't lead me decisively in one direction or another.

in order to respond with joy, my motivation needs to be love. i want to be compelled by love.

i have felt obligated for months to take this step, but i have learned that, for me, "obedience" (for something as complicated as this, i'm not 100% certain of God's command, hence the quotation marks) that is motivated by "oughts" and "shoulds" induces self-hatred. i hate myself for not "feeling" such a way that this step would be an appropriate love response. i hate myself for doing things so that i'll look good, or so that i won't look bad in front of others. i hate myself for doing things simply for the recognition i may receive: "she's such a good Christian!" because then, my real motivation is people-pleasing, manipulation, deceit.

i do know that it's often true that with obedience, the heart changes. when i step in the right direction out of faith and obedience, my heart and attitude align themselves with the cause and i am a changed woman. that is certainly true most of the time that fear is what is holding me back. i don't believe that is the case here, so i'm not sure if obedience is the key.

i still haven't decided how to respond to the email. i don't know what all is truly at stake, but i do believe that if i were a perfect person and this were a perfect world, my step of accepting this request would be God-honoring, which is something i want to strive for. i would love for my every action to be God-honoring. but i am not a perfect person, and i am certain i will fail at least once to be God-honoring in this particular exercise. and this is not a perfect world, and i am certain parts of this situation will at one point or another be more harmful than good. it is not a black and white case, it is nuanced in a million shades.

i want to be honest with myself, and recently i have given myself permission to let go, to not be bound by "oughts" and "shoulds". they have been faithful to me, on keeping me out of thousands of bad situations, but they have been a curse of legalism to me, as well.

i do know that at the end of the day, if my heart is compelled by love, this scenario has a much, much better chance of glorifying God. it has a chance to be a method of my heart's continual healing. it has the potential to be a story of redemption and transformation. there is much hope.

IF i am compelled by love.

so Lord, open my heart to love.

uuuuuugh.

2009-09-18T21:35:00.002-04:00

i HATE this feeling. i would never wish this feeling on anyone.

so today is the last day of summer quarter. as you're probably aware, it was not an easy summer for me. i was really looking forward to just being DONE with everything, just to put it all behind me.

well as the week drew to a close, it became painfully obvious to me that i wasn't going to complete everything. i could have finished my papers for my islam class, but one of the assignments was to spend 3 hours with a muslim, and i hadn't done that yet. i emailed the professor last weekend (he doesn't live in southern california), and told him i didn't think i could do that part. he said it was worth 15 points, so the highest i could get in the class is a B. it's supposed to be a pretty easy class, in the end, so i felt silly earning a B in the class. my other class i had to finish, advocacy, i should have been working on for a while now. i realized that the idea i had for my final paper wasn't sufficient. i still am not quite sure what i should do, or where i should go with the topic.

i did finish my prophets class on monday night. that paper, once i started writing it, was really fun and i think i did pretty well on it. it's my only grade for the class, so i hope i was right!!! it really was a breeze to write, once i sat down and did it. i was hoping advocacy would go just as smoothly, but alas, it didn't, and i started to freak out.

i did complete all my book reviews for both classes, so it's nice to have them done. i was able to email my islamics professor last night and ask for an incomplete, which he graciously granted me, so i quit working on that paper and turned my attention to advocacy. i definitely could have finished islamics by 5pm today, minus the hanging out with a muslim bit, but i wasn't able to get in touch with any of the three advocacy professors until later this afternoon. since i wasn't sure if i would be granted an incomplete in that class, i had to keep working on the paper! i figured i'd just chug along for the parts i could complete, then worry about the lacking parts later. it was a HUGE relief when i finally got an email back from one of the profs which i quickly printed out, attached to my petition, and took over to the registrar's office.

so i'd still like to finish my islamics paper tonight, but when i went back to it, my mind was just blank. i HATE the feeling of being sleep deprived, my body just hurts and my head doesn't focus very well. so i feel like any work i can accomplish today isn't going to be quality, anyway, so i might as well give up. especially since i now have until dec 11 to finish! i will still work on my papers and hopefully finish them this week, and hang out with a muslim soon.

so you can be praying that i will have the discipline to go ahead and finish now, and also that i will have a better fall quarter than my summer quarter was! ugh!

one more down...

2009-09-16T21:53:00.002-04:00

i just completed one more book report. i have a looong way to go before friday at 5, though!

a friend of mine is an amazing photographer. her photos tell stories, her heart behind every one of them. the latest entry of her blog sits unopened on my homepage: "the kids of cambodia." i just can't bring myself to "read" it, even though i search for ways to kill time. i think her photos will just about kill me.

my new roommate, judy, arrived this week! she is so cute and has a great sense of humor. and she loves to travel. and says things like "i think i'll give it a pass", which i love. this is going to be great!

i can't even think about anything else to say to procrastinate. wish me luck!

politics

2009-09-13T01:19:00.003-04:00

i have really enjoyed watching the west wing over the last 6+ months. i never thought i would love the politics so much, but i've learned a lot. it's interesting how policies are made, and then politicized so they can be implemented.

i have never cared for politics, at least the manipulative, conniving, numbers game part. when i was in high school, i had an amazing government teacher. she even won teacher of the year shortly after i graduated. while taking her class, i thought that i could potentially end up in politics myself. there was a weekend trip to washington that she invited me to go on, but the trip failed to materialize. but considering whether or not the cost of the trip would be worth it, i realized how much i was indeed interested in politics and policy and governing.

in politics today, i'm all over the page. i'm often too lazy to be truly informed, but i find myself more and more interested in policy decisions that involve social justice issues. when i lived in virginia, i attended a church that was very anti-abortion, and a lot of people there made it seem like abortion was the one issue that mattered, that this one issue should determine which candidates to vote for. their stance and they way they declared it turned me off to politics, and it definitely turned me off to that church. i quit attending it soon thereafter (but for a number of other reasons, as well).

so here i am, about to write a paper on immigration. i haven't done much research yet, but it is certainly a hot topic here in california where our economy is built on the backs of immigrants, documented and undocumented, historical and current. (and not to mention that this land used to belong to mexico, so who's the immigrant?)

i remembered the other day an exercise we did in that high school government class. for about 3 weeks, we created a mock congress. we each were assigned to be senators from different states, and we were each required to bring forth 2 pieces of legislation, which then went to committee and some made it out of committee... to be honest, i don't even remember the full process. (anyone have that school house rock video of "i'm a bill" i could borrow??) what i do remember is that one of my bills was to increase the quota of immigrants allowed to enter the US annually. my bill didn't make it out of committee, and i was disappointed that i didn't even have a chance to argue my case.

perhaps that chance is now.

an old friend that came to visit:

2009-09-11T01:34:00.000-04:00

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

while i'm at it...

2009-09-01T03:14:00.002-04:00

i've been listening to the derek webb album "stockholm syndrome" this week. the news about jaycee lee dugard had me thinking about how someone can form a bond with their captor, a condition labeled "stockholm syndrome". i was thinking about how sin does the same with us... we find ourselves agreeing with the lies and the atrocities simply so we can live another day... it's a coping mechanism. and so it reminded me that it's the title of derek webb's album, and i love it. i don't know for sure if that's where derek was going with his title, but regardless of that connection, i have enjoyed the songs. the lyrics are insightful and thought-provoking. i may not agree with all the lyrics, but i appreciate derek's honesty and boldness to bring his hot-issues into the limelight.

short update

2009-09-01T02:33:00.002-04:00

i've been thinking about blogging for a few days now, but i can't get my thoughts in order. writing definitely helps, but with the number of pages that need to be written in the coming weeks, i think i'd better save my best for them.

there is a wildfire burning just to the north of me. so far it has consumed over 105,000 acres. that's 164 square miles. it's big. my favorite professor's neighborhood was evacuated, but his house was just out of the evacuation zone. thankfully, the fires were kept out of his town and he and his neighbors are all fine. as i write this, mt wilson, the historic observatory that overlooks los angeles, is in danger. the fire is approaching from 2 directions, and it has been deemed too unsafe for the fire crews to maintain a physical presence there. the fire is mainly fuel-driven, which is better than wind-driven. but it's still more than a week away from being contained, so who knows how much will really burn.

all of that to say it is a weird thing to watch. from my balcony, i can see the fires glowing red at night. the smoke is unbearable at times, but thankfully most of it is being blown north of here, out of the los angeles basin. it's strange, this fire. it's so amazingly beautiful, as mesmerizing as a campfire but on a much grander scale. but it's also a bit like watching a tornado - amazing in its power and wrath, but you hope it doesn't go near any civilization.

i'm looking forward to writing some of my papers. other, not as much. we'll see what actually gets written in the next few weeks. i had one paper due tomorrow, but i decided to take the option that requires one long paper (due later) instead of 2 shorter ones (one of which is due tomorrow). i'm probably making the wrong choice and giving myself an excuse to put the work off even longer, but we'll see. it's for my prophets class. i'm going to be looking at fasting in the prophetic books - what fasting meant to different characters, what isaiah meant in ch 58, what purpose it served, and the spirituality of it. i'm looking forward to it, but not to writing the long essay that is now required (5000 word minimum, approx 20 pages!). ah, well.

#222

2009-08-25T23:13:00.002-04:00

i have no words.

i talk a lot because i dance around some concept that i can't explain.

i have no words to describe the deepest longings of my heart, the impressions that certain lectures leave with me, the delights of an honest conversation. i have no words for these things that mean more to me than words themselves.

i find myself in conversations where i've long since lost the interest of the person dutifully listening, where i keep talking around some idea that i simply cannot find the words to express. sometimes i can get enough across to make sense of what i'm thinking and feeling. other times i simply frustrate myself and bore the other person.

one class i took this summer was "advocating for social justice". i feel completely at odds with the class. i hated taking it, it was quite a downer. there were definitely some good points, i'm sure i learned more than i think i did. but it was really hard. it was kind of like asking "what's the single greatest atrocity that exists today?" and hearing the answer 20 times over in every circumstance and situation and country possible. and there weren't many solutions offered, much to my dismay.

it seems like the two responses are to write your congressman, or devote your life to a cause.

i would LOVE to devote my life to a cause, i just can't pick only one!

i just watched a stirring video clip of a girl who is a teacher in nyc. she is definitely living her passion and her destiny, and it's quite inspiring - it kind of resonates deep within me in a "YYYESSSSS!" moment (one of those i don't have the real words to describe). that, to me, was a beautiful piece of advocacy.

i have to write a paper in the next few weeks on how to advocate for a specific issue to a church. i just have no idea where to start, what topic to delve into, or how to accomplish it. i see SO many needs that i am overwhelmed. i feel completely unequipped to effectively advocate for anything.

it leaves me thankful for the artsy types who can make a short video like that which is successful in reaching its audience.

i just have no idea how to do that.

i have no words.

today

2009-08-16T03:49:00.003-04:00

before i even got out of bed today, i begged God to do something, to speak to me, to somehow do something big in me. and i think, in a weird way, He answered my prayer.

this week has been one of the hardest for me in a long time. which isn't to say anything, really, except that life is just hard sometimes.

but in the end, all i can do is live life one day at a time. part of me hates that, and i know that i want to fix all of my future right now. and part of me knows there is wisdom in planning ahead, too. but for now, all i can do is live today.

God has proven Himself to me with little graces yet again. yesterday, both of my coworkers greeted me with a hug. both of them hugged me goodnight at the end of the night. i've never hugged either one before, and when i saw them both tonight, there was no hugging. it was just a small, simple thing, for yesterday.

i have had several realizations this week that are tiny, but eventually will lead somewhere big. i am confident in that. in the midst of the craziness, there are small slivers of sanity that pull me through.

and so, today, i am choosing to trust God for the grace for today. i will choose to trust that He will give me all that i need for today. i will choose to trust that today, i will have enough, that He will be enough for me, and that i will not fall apart today.

dreams

2009-08-14T12:15:00.002-04:00

my friend elizabeth is in cambodia right now. she's taking photos on a short-term trip about the children and women who are the victims of the sex industry. she's posting on her own blog (almondleaf) and on the blog for a sponsoring organization (silent images). on her latest silent images blog, universal red light, she talks to some of the sex workers in the red light district. her posting closes with a quote from one of the women: "Dreaming costs nothing... let's dream." Elizabeth exclaims: "It made my heart leap for joy with the hope that one day, just maybe, she’ll get to have that new life that we dreamt about together for her."

when i read this, i immediately thought "dreaming costs everything!"

in my self-care in mission class, we talked about grief and loss yesterday. there are 6 types of loss that we can experience and grieve, and one of them is an intrapsychic loss, the loss of an ideal or dream. perhaps i reacted so strongly above because of the 6 types of loss, this is the one i've experienced most deeply.

at the moment, i'm sorting through this one again. my journey this summer to find another housemate has been absolutely astounding. time and again, a great opportunity has arisen, i've gotten really excited about it and started thinking through what it would look like, and then it's not worked out. i'm exhausted. i'm so sick of closed doors and "no"s.

as of last saturday, the deal was almost done. i had 3 girls interested in moving in. sunday, one of them seemed to get more stable and another one less stable. monday, i realized the less stable one wouldn't work at all; down to 2. i checked in with both of them, both of them still strong maybes. tuesday, i got nervous waiting. wednesday, one of them backed out. since then, i haven't gotten in touch with the 3rd. she hasn't responded to my emails or voice mails, which sounds like avoidance to me. (though it is entirely possible that she has had a personal tragedy, or some other completely excusable explanation.)

i really, really thought i'd have this whole thing figured out by tuesday, wednesday at the latest. it's SO disheartening to have it be friday, and i get to renew my search all over again. i've been working on this since june! financially, i'm freaking out - i can't afford to keep paying rent-and-a-half! emotionally, i'm just not sure if i can do this again. it doesn't help that i'm doing it alone, that my other roommates (old and new) aren't able to help me. well, i take that back. they've both been a great consolation to me in the struggle, they just haven't been able to actively search. i have never been prayed for this much in my life. i have no idea what God is up to, or why it's taking so long to figure out.

i had no idea that my summer would be this stressful, that i would be this emotionally distraught over the whole thing. i have spent hours and hours online, looking for roommates, emailing them, thinking and praying about possibilities. so many of my friends on campus know, and ask me about it every time i see them. i'm so grateful for their concern and compassion, but i'm starting to feel like "the girl no one wants to live with". like it's becoming part of my identity.

so anyway, i covet your continued prayers. this dream has cost a lot, and it's not over yet.

thoughts from a brain-dead girl.

2009-08-12T03:30:00.003-04:00

i don't like the name "don". or any name with a "G" in it, really. "Grace" might be an exception, solely for the definition of the word.

i ate a peach today, and i was thankful that it was much better than the last peach i ate.

i got a rejection email today for a job i applied for but wasn't sure i wanted.

i also applied for another job i'm not sure i want.

but i do know that i'm already dreading going to work again, and it's 44 hours away at this point.

i've never said this before: i can't wait for the summer to be over. i can't wait for a "normal", more manageable schedule and pace.

self-care in mission is still rocking my socks off. today we heard about third-culture kids, doing ministry as a family, and a little bit about boarding school. a seasoned couple came to speak to us, and we encouraged the wife to write a book. and together, they're hilarious! it was great.

old testament prophets is not rocking my socks off quite so much. it isn't nearly as good as i was hoping, especially for the number of hours i put into the work. i kind of freaked out tonight on the assignment and spouted off. the assignment was basically analyzing masculinity and womanhood in the book of hosea. i think if hosea's your source, your definitions of both are going to come out pretty whack, and i said as much on my assignment.

on the flip side, we studied jonah last week, and that was one of the best homework assignments i've ever done. why do you think jonah was written? as in, what is the "moral of the story"??

i checked a book out of the library today. the first time i've gone to the shelf, found the book myself, and checked it out since last fall. don't worry, i've checked out (a few) books since then. the library was under construction for 6 months and the staff had to go find books for us during that time. but now we're free to browse the shelves ourselves. yay! too bad i won't actually have time to read that book!

still working on housing stuff. it's crazy, man. i really hope, hope, hope this will all be over soon, and i'll be content with whatever roommate God gives me.

i really really miss rain and thunderstorms. i had no idea i'd miss thunder and lightning this badly.

i'm out. peace.

self care

2009-08-05T01:41:00.002-04:00

i don't think i've talked much about my classes this summer. i am pretty sure i'm insane to take 3 classes and audit 2 others. i am currently in Old Testament Prophets, which is the first Bible class i've ever taken. it's pretty good, with Dr. John Goldingay. it's a 5-week class that meets twice a week for 3 hours each. there is homework due for each class, which he has designed to take about 5 hours. in addition, we post our homework online and we spend about an hour after each class responding to our classmates' homework. so all in all, it's about 18 hours a week of work for this class. ooooch.

one of the classes i'm auditing started monday, and it's a 2-week intensive (3 hrs/day), called "self care in mission." it's really good. so good that i was contemplating taking it for credit to make sure i got the most out of it. the exercises look really good, the reading looks really good, and overall it looks really beneficial. BUT, after the first day, i went to my other class completely brain-dead. i realized that i needed to practice a little self care and not overload myself. did i mention i'm also working 28 hours this week? yeah, i'm crazy. ;-)

so a few tidbits of why this class has already been amazing:

What is it in me that says, “I have to handle this all, all by myself?”
My spirituality that says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” doesn’t allow for growth or change in anyone else. There is value in conflict.

A tree planted by streams gives its fruit in season. Why do we think we have to bear fruit year-round?

my self-care that i already practice includes: baking cookies (as i've mentioned a few times ;-)), running, and photography

my primary vocation is of a child of God. my secondary vocation is the call God has put on my life, the things i'm passionate about. sometimes God doesn't tell us the secondary until we have a good grasp of the primary.

God cares more about HOW I live my life than the location of my ministry.

We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves, and so often we are taught to love our neighbors instead of ourselves.

ok, this next bit is directly from a powerpoint slide created by Kelly O'Donnell, but it's good definitions:
Member care – defined – Kelly O’Donnell
• The ongoing investment of resources by sending groups, service organizations, and workers themselves, for the nurture and development of personnel.
• It focuses on every member of the organization, including children and home office staff.
• It includes preventative, developmental, supportive, and restorative care.
• A core part of member care is the mutual care that workers provide each other. Workers receive it and they give it.
• Connecting with resources and people in the local/host community is also key.
• Member care seeks to implement an adequate flow of care from recruitment through retirement.
• The goal is to develop resilience, skills, and virtue, which are key to helping personnel stay healthy and effective in their work.
• Member care thus involves both developing inner resources (eg perserverance, stress tolerance) and providing external sources (eg team building, logistical support, skill training).

sound good to you? it sure does to me!!

there are certain "levels" or "spheres" of self care - a bullseye of care:
sphere 1: Master Care - my relationship with my Master
sphere 2: self care and mutual care, which are together and inter-related
sphere 3: sender care - the organization and/or church that sends me
sphere 4: special care - care by professionals including health, team-building, financial management, etc
sphere 5: network care - resourcing member care in all these areas

in order to be truly effective for the long-term, i need to decide on a plan, with my team, my family, and my organization to make sure there is a plan set for all these areas. i don't need to decide today what that looks like, but you can be sure that i will have an idea of this before i go anywhere else!

yeah, this stuff is good. i hope and pray that some of it can be a resource for you, too. if you want more info about the class (today was only day 2!) or the reading list or anything, let me know. i'd certainly love to chat with you about this in the future!

ps, have i mentioned how much i love coldplay? i've been listening to them nonstop for a few days now. oh, and their show a few weeks ago was pretty amazing. ;-) i didn't know it was possible to love them more after their show, but i do. it's true.

refreshing.

2009-08-03T01:14:00.002-04:00

it's amazing, if i look for them, the small gifts God gives me everyday.

the sermon at church today was about loving God and loving others well. (my friend Lara did a great job giving it!) as she was speaking, a song came to mind that i learned last summer while preparing for my trip to nicaragua. she asked the worship band to come back up after she was done, and the first song they played was the one i was thinking of. i don't remember for sure if we've ever sung that song at church, at least not a sunday i was there. it was a nice little blessing.

after service, i was trying to move around a group of people to talk to a friend. a friend that was in the group (that i was sort of trying to avoid) came over to me and specifically asked about how my housing situation is panning out. i didn't even remember telling her about it, but told her how frustrated i was and how i was running out of options. she then asked if i had talked to a mutual friend of ours, which i thought was a good suggestion (and i still need to follow up on). then she mentioned that another friend of hers was looking for a place. i had heard this girl was looking for a place, but i wasn't sure if we would be compatible roommates. i had just been thinking of her, at the end of the sermon, wondering if God wanted to stretch me and grow me in learning to love her well, even though we are really different. immediately, my friend told me it wasn't a good idea. i hadn't even told her i was already hesitant! she then went on to list out several reasons that she thought it wasn't a good idea. oh. my. goodness. what a great confirmation! i'm so thankful that this friend sought me out and chatted with me a few minutes! and i'm glad to know that God still has this whole roommate/housing thing in control, that He was able to let me know that this wasn't the best option for me.

after church, i stopped at the supermarket for some groceries. my pantry is just about empty, but i couldn't think of many specific things i needed or wanted to eat this week. plus, i had committed that i would only buy what i could pay for in cash, which was $21. i got everything i needed to get through the week (i hope!) and still had enough left for a treat - a tub of caramel to dip apples in! and i still had $4 left!

when i got back, i went over to meet my friend wade. he wasn't home yet, but i did run into a couple of friends that i hadn't seen in a while and have a nice little chat with them. i like surprise run-ins like that when i have a few minutes to catch up! it makes me feel more connected here, to be able to continue relationships like that.

i did go back later to meet wade. he and his family are moving, and i will miss him very much! i had 2 classes with him, and he also used to work for starbucks, so he was a great sounding board for me. he proved his intelligence in "theology in a global perspective" and then i got to know him better in "community organizing". also, he hired and/or trained 3 of my current co-workers, so if i was confused about something about those 3 co-workers, wade could clue me in to what they were thinking, or what the official starbucks stance would be.

ANYWAY, that's wade. he and his next door neighbors (michael and abby, who i will also miss very much) had a yard sale yesterday before they move this week. i stopped by yesterday to ask if they had any dishes for sale. wade and his wife did, but they had a set of 4 large plates, 7 medium plates, 4 bowls, a creamer/sugar set, and a pitcher that they wanted to sell as a whole for $35. i was thinking $5. i just wanted the plates! it was a yardsale! i was very VERY reluctant to offer my price, which they finally pulled out of me (i didn't want to offend them! and it was a nice set!), which i upped to $10. wade made a deal with me that they would try to sell them the rest of the day, and if they didn't sell, he would sell them to me, the whole set, for $10. he g-chatted me yesterday just before i left for work and said "come get your plates!" so today, i did! it's a nice set, and i'm thankful! a steal for the whole thing at $10! and i have a pitcher now, too, that i can make lemonade in, or at least serve it from. ;-)

tonight there was a leadership meeting for church. as i walked to the church office, i ran into my friend laura, whose old room i am currently living in. she also worked with me at starbucks. we also had a great little conversation, which made me late for my meeting, but i didn't mind. ;-)

the leadership meeting itself wasn't anything astounding, but i found it very great to simply be in a conversation about life groups, the role of the church in the community, and missional church. i also enjoyed just praying with them. it was good to see another dimension to people other than what i see on sunday mornings. i have a few things that i want to think and pray more about later, too, which is almost a relief. ;-) also, after the meeting, i chatted with david and mark a bit. mark is an amazing man, and david is pretty awesome, too. david recently returned from a week in guatemala, so i joined their conversation to hear about his trip. mark then told a bit about a trip to costa rica that is coming up soon for him. OH MAN. it was SO great to talk about things overseas, especially church work. i was talking to sara yesterday about how i don't know what i want to do in the future. i realized after my conversation tonight that i had been feeling dead in the water for a bit now, but that conversation tonight was just a little air in my sails. i feel like i'm moving somewhere now. i don't know where, but i know a moving ship is easier to steer than a still one.

so how about all those refreshing tidbits for one day? praise God for hope!

decisions, regret, and God's sovereignty.

2009-07-30T02:51:00.003-04:00

where do these things connect? where does grace intersect?

i usually am a very decisive person. multiple choice tests are usually pretty easy for me - either i know the answer or i don't. i choose an answer and i move on. i am generally a very capable person. i am independent, strong-willed, resourceful, and self-reliant. when i make decisions, i am able to follow through with them, sometimes by sheer will-power or force. once i commit to something, i'm in. i am there. i hate it when people commit something to me, then back out (as i'm sure i've mentioned before). i generally don't say i will do something, or go somewhere, if i am on the fence about it or don't know if it will work due to external circumstances. therefore, once i've made up my mind about something, i am completely invested in it.

this week has been one of the most trying weeks for me in regard to this decision-making process. i realize that once i internally decide something, i am quite emotionally invested in it. i made a choice to pursue an option, it didn't work out, and i'm crushed.

on the flip side, i realize now that several decisions i've made recently were the wrong choice, and i really regret those choices. if i ever play an ice-breaker game or something and the question is asked "what is your greatest regret?", i usually can't come up with one. i don't know what that says about me, but in general, regret is not an emotion i am accustomed to feeling. so when it hits me, it's like getting hit by a freight train. and that completely freaks me out.

due to the aforementioned emotional investment i have in making decisions, realizing i've made a bad decision is quite a roller-coaster of frustration, self-hatred, confusion, denial, anger, and self-pity. to realize i've made a series of bad decisions has been completely identity-shaking. not that one decision led to another, that's a different story. at least in that story there is a root issue to work out. in this one, i just don't know. at any rate, my self-confidence was shaken.

i am currently wondering if i can make a good decision at all. i wonder if i should make a decision, then do the opposite thing so that i know it will be a good decision. i wonder where my good judgement went, or what God is punishing me for. i feel like crawling under the table and not making any choices at all for 3 weeks. but letting things pass by is a choice in itself. so then i plead and beg with God to make the choices for me, knowing i don't have it in myself to make a good choice. i ask Him to make it clear to me, but i walk in a fog. and so i delay. i am wrapped in fear that i will make a wrong choice, a bad choice, and so i make no choice at all (which is effectively a bad choice). fear has paralyzed me twice now, debilitating me into making yet another bad decision. thankfully, thus far, the consequences of such decisions have been fairly minimal. because i'm beset by this fear, things that used to be hard are now nigh impossible.

i went to church on sunday at the salvation army. (i almost added "of norman" to the end of that statement out of an old habit.) i used to work for the salvation army (of norman) in their social services office while i was in college. but i never attended a church service. my friend aaron has some sort of ties with the salvation army, has attended this one previously, and invited me along with him to the sunday morning service. i pass it on my walk to my own church, so i'd seen it before and been curious, so i accepted his offer and we went. this isn't meant to be an evaluation of their church or service, and so i will continue with my point. the sermon was about ruth. i'm not sure if it was ever actually said, or just a thought that came to mind as a point was being made. i realized that ruth had to really go out on a limb, which was certainly not a familiar thing to her culturally, or something women did in that society, to win the favor of boaz. she stepped out in boldness, confidence. she didn't understand, but she took initiative, stepped out of her comfort zone, and did the thing that i would find hard even on my best day. and i know this is a fairly common lesson that we draw from Bible studies (be strong and courageous!), but it clicked with me on sunday.

i don't like to ask for things i don't deserve. i don't like to talk to strangers to set up a dentist appointment or change the name on the phone bill to my own. i don't like talking to someone in authority over me who seeminlgy has the power to bless me or curse me.

yet that's exactly the type of situation that ruth walked into. and God was faithful.

and i know, in KNOW that so many people are praying for me right now, in the decision that is facing me. other than mission trips, i think this is the most specific prayer i have ever asked for in my life thus far. yet nothing seems to be working out.

and so i ask, where does God's sovereignty play into this? and how much is my own effort i need to make? and how much am i responsible for myself? and how much is my fear simply holding me back, or is it God's way of keeping me in check so that i will KNOW that it is only Him that is moving on my behalf?

and how do i appropriate the grace for this situation?

random...

2009-07-22T18:15:00.002-04:00

as inspired by elijah, today's post will be a collection of unprocessed (and incomplete) thoughts.

i ran into a friend a while back who was having a sudden, inexplicable, potentially very serious illness. i stopped and chatted for a minute and prayed for them. i'm not good at praying for people, it was more a random string of sentences. as i was praying for them again today, it seemed like the most pertinent prayer was for peace and joy. wisdom, discernment, clear communication for the doctors, all that was good, but somehow not as important as peace of mind for the patient, the peace that passes all understanding, and a joy in our confidence of our Creator seem more important.

i was talking with another friend about falling in love with the wrong person. i'm not really sure what to say about this, but it's been on my mind since we had that conversation. i'm not sure if i'd say i've ever been "in love", but i've certainly had some major crushes in my life. some of them seem more mature and based on seemingly legitimate things, but i clearly didn't end up with those guys. i did fall for a guy that was completely wrong for me, but it seemed fun at the time, so i nursed that crush. it wasn't serious, but if he had liked me back, it would have been disastrous. part of the conversation with my friend revolved around the trauma of having a broken heart, and having to end a relationship. and i suppose i am grateful for not having to have had that experience. i know plenty who have had to endure that, and i'm honestly not sure if i would recover.

i watched "watchmen" last night. i didn't really care about the movie at all, but some friends were getting together, so i joined in. the film was interesting... not what i expected, and certainly not a genre that i've ever particularly liked. we watched the director's cut, which was particularly violent and gruesome. i found myself pondering some of the lines of one of the characters. i don't even remember any of the character's names, but i did disengage at parts of the movie, marveling at the wisdom of some of the lines. one of them was essentially a reminder to me of the power and majesty of God - neither the least nor the greatest on earth has any sway against Him. i sometimes think i am in control, or at least the "powerful" are in control. none of us has or is anything apart from the One who give life to us.

heart heavy

2009-07-21T12:57:00.004-04:00

i just sent brian off to return his rental car and fly back to the east coast. i will really miss him! i tried my hardest to get him to move out here, and as much as he loved it, i don't think that is happening any time soon.

we stayed up talking until 2am (5am his time!), and it was really good. but it was also quite bittersweet: i really miss having deep heart to hearts that are sprinkled with Truth. i know there are many friends here who would be at my side instantly should something traumatic or big ever happen, but it's the day-to-day-life intimacies that i really miss. and i am certainly really thankful for the other perspective that was shared. i really need that. it was also really good to be told that my feelings are legit, that i'm not crazy, and yes, life does suck sometimes but that doesn't mean it's my "fault". it's good to know there are somethings i can lay down responsibility for. i'm just grateful to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with someone who has known me for longer than 10 months!

and so, as i stare at the mountain of frustrations ahead of me (finding roommates, paying bills, applying for jobs, working on school projects, trying to decide the rest of my future), my heart is heavy. i don't want to go back to reality! i had a lot of fun playing tour guide these last several days!

but the show must go on. *sigh*

stuck.

2009-07-14T14:48:00.002-04:00

i feel stuck right now. emotionally i am all over the page, and i just want someone to affirm that i'm not crazy (but i know i'm waaay over-reacting). and i don't feel like i can be open here, either, because my friend will criticize me for being too open with the whole world. which may be true, too, but so far, to my knowledge, no one has ever used what i've written here against me. or if they have, it hasn't gotten back to me.

so some really benign things have happened that leave me doubting myself and feeling worthless. it really is dumb stuff, but it's all hit a nerve. i absolutely hate when people back out on plans (even if for completely legitimate or unforeseeable reasons). i absolutely hate being kept in the dark (even when unintentional) when it changes my own plans and preparation. these situations make me feel like i'm not important, that i'm not worth keeping in the loop, that i don't matter as much as other people.

and since i'm already feeling lonely and without a "group" here, these feelings just compound that. it really sucks. though i'm also sure that if i weren't complaining about this, i'd find plenty else to complain about. it all pisses me off, and i'm hurt.

because of my hurt and frustration, i'm less likely to step out again to make plans.

so to those of you who keep your word, who make plans and follow through, i thank you. i do appreciate it.

brutal.

2009-07-09T20:18:00.003-04:00

today was brutal.

i'm taking a 1-week intensive, and today i just about walked out in the middle. just one more day to go, just one more day to go. as i walked home, i chatted with my friend brian, and i asked him how he decompresses after an afternoon like that. he said he asks his wife to take their baby for 20 minutes and just let him collapse on his bed. that doesn't really work for me, so i did what i do best: bake cookies.

as i mixed together the ingredients, i thought about why today was so bad. the past 3 days were rigorous, but not exhausting. well today, we hit on every topic that i haven't quite figured out yet, or that i have reservations about, or that is just plain hard for me to internalize and live out, at least these topics that are relevant to the class: Effective Witness in Muslim Contexts.

the professor goes by 2 names, one in America and another overseas and in literature, and i don't know if i'll choose the right one and inadvertently "out" him, perhaps. so i'll just say that he's an amazing man, with wisdom well beyond his years. he loves the Lord, he loves Muslims, and he is very intelligent. i highly respect this man and am so appreciative of this opportunity to learn from him. he teaches this class as a discipleship session, with great humility and a desire to learn, himself.

but today was tough.

we started out by talking about working on a team, and specifically, peacemaking. it was an impromptu "teaching moment", but filled with truth that i find it easy to agree with and hard to live by. several of the things that were mentioned i instinctively thought "no way!" i know he's right, and i have a lot of growing to do in keeping short accounts, opening the way for communication, and quickly forgiving. he did talk about the importance of having a "peacemaking plan" in mind even before conflict arises. it makes sense. he recommended a book, Peacemaking, by Rick Love. i haven't read it (or even seen a copy in person), but i thought i'd throw out the reference if anyone is interested.

we talked about women in the Muslim world. i highly recommend two books (that were both required reading for the class) that have illumined my understanding of the cultural and religious aspects of the woman in the Muslim world. one is Miniskirts, Mothers & Muslims by Christine Mallouhi. The other is Touching the Soul of Islam by Bill Musk. but understanding doesn't make it easier to accept. when i was in Turkey 7 years ago, one of the hardest things for me was this huge emphasis on differentiating the genders. i have friends that are male, and i can't imagine not being friends with them, even while i desire to honor and respect the customs of my adopted country. it's hard for me to accept that if i lived in a Muslim country, i couldn't have the same conversation with brian as described above. i just can't wrap my head around it, nor at the moment choose to embrace it. that would require a level of grace that i don't have the strength to even ask for yet.

we talked about inner healing and deliverance prayer today, too. these are both tremendously needed and essential to the effective spread of the Kingdom, but i have my reservations. i have grown a lot and matured in respect to these supernatural events, but it's still hard for me to accept them or pursue them, much less practice them. it's hard. i've been wounded and frustrated by these types of prayer ministries and other "acts" of the Holy Spirit. it's just a touchy subject for me, but it was definitely good to be reminded of their importance in this type of ministry.

we talked about "dialogue", as in Muslim/Christian dialogue and Evangelical/Mormon dialogue. we were talking about using it as a tool or mode of witness, which is another subject i can't wrap my head around. doug mcconnell, our dean, came in and talked about this for about 30 minutes this afternoon. he's just published 2 papers on the subject and definitely knows a lot. but when we talks, man, it's like trying to drink from a firehose. everything he says is meaty, but i still didn't quite catch his bottom line. therefore i had a limited framework from which to understand what he was talking about, so i was confused and overwhelmed for most of the 30 minutes. it was good to discuss so that i get more comfortable with it, but it was tough.

we concluded the class by creating a list of modes of witness to Muslims. it was an interesting list we came up with, but it raised several deep questions: What do we mean by "witness"? What is the core of our message, without which there is no salvation? What is the "line" that must be crossed for someone to enter the Kingdom of God? What do we mean by "Kingdom of God"? What is the core of the church? what is a believer? at first, these questions seem elementary enough, but they go deep.

man, i don't do well with ambiguity. i like to have things figured out and well-organized in my brain. which is why i resort to making cookies when all else fails.

on top of being in class 6 hours a day for the week, and auditing (attending lectures) for another class (2 nights a week for 3 hours a night), there is a LOT else going on. i have to work tonight, and thankfully that's my first shift this week. my roommate robyn is moving out tomorrow and we don't have anyone else moving in, which means we'll be charged her rent until we find someone, ugh. there is a LOT up in the air - who moves in? do we move out? where do we go? it seems like there are a million ways this could all play out, but we have no way of knowing. i have a lot of other things on my mind, too, that all seem overwhelming, so please pray for me and my sanity!

3am thoughts

2009-05-27T10:58:00.003-04:00

after a wonderful weekend back in VA with my family and friends, i came back to CA with a cold. i promised my group for a class that i would finish the paper that is due friday by last night so they could look over it in time to make changes, so i was trying to work hard on that last night. while at home, i met up with some great friends who i met through a young adults church group (called 1830) that i was on the leadership team for.

exhausted, i went to bed at 11pm PT, 2am ET, but i didn't sleep well. i had taken some cold medicine that might have wound me up. i was definitely stressed about the paper i was working on. i also was still mentally trapped between 2 worlds - VA and CA. all of these things may have had an effect on my not sleeping well.

i woke up at maybe 3am with some deep thoughts going through my head. some were for the paper i was writing, in the transformational development section, some i thought were for the paper i was writing, but they sounded a lot like the vision i had for 1830 a few years ago. it also sounded like some of the personal strengths i should have put into a paper i wrote a few weeks ago, or like part of the "personal ministry calling" section of a paper i finished a week ago. as i drifted back to sleep, i thought about how it should apply to the church as a whole, and also to oasis pasadena, in particular (my church here). i also thought that i want to be a person, no matter where i am or what churches or organizations or schools i am affiliated with, who engenders these things.

- empowering people to live the life they have reason to value

- promoting human dignity

- inviting them to join with us:
- to discover their God-given gifts
- to become equipped to use them
- to now go and serve

Lord, make me a person who speaks life instead of criticism. help me promote the gifts i see in others, even at the expense of my own fame or popularity. grant me the trust and grace to delegate to others i want to keep for myself. help me let people go to send them into new ministries.

mama's hot tamales!

2009-05-21T17:44:00.001-04:00

my community organizing class works with mama in macarthur park. the last bit of this clip is from "tamales de la paz", an event a few weeks ago promoting peace and unity with the city government, police, and the community. it was a great event that we attended as a class - i can see some of my friends in the background! mama's makes the best tamales, so if you come visit, we'll grab lunch there! it's stuff like this that we're learning to do in community organizing, and i LOVE it. it's amazing stuff. mama's is also opening a kitchen workspace in pasadena for entrepreneurs to learn more and rent out for their businesses.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

classes this quarter...

2009-04-30T14:35:00.003-04:00

so i promised this a long time ago, but i didn't ever get around to it, sorry.
i'm not very motivated this quarter. i think i wore myself out last quarter, and now i'm doing it again! none of my classes is spectacular, but none is terrible, either, which is good! so here's the run down...

development tools and practices
actually, this class is over now! it was a 2-week intensive that ended last friday. it was a class about, well, tools and practices that we can use when doing development. we had several guest lectures, including Ravi Jayakaran, the developer of the 10-Seeds Technique. 10-Seeds is a participatory poverty alleviation and development tool to gain information about a community and help the community see their needs and assets in new ways. we also talked about property rights, appreciative inquiry, micro-enterprise development, and sustainable agriculture. all in all, it was a good class. honestly, i'm a little ashamed at how little i learned the second week. i'm not sure i really could have done any better, my brain was full and i didn't get a chance to process much. i have a few papers to write as assignments for that class, and i'll see how i feel after writing the first 2 papers this afternoon. in general, i feel this class would have been more beneficial if i had already been in situations where these tools would have been helpful. as it is, i can just add it to my tool belt and hope for the best in the future. btw, the class was "taught"/organized by my favorite teacher, bryant myers. go bryant! and yes, he was in the back of the class on facebook one day. i love this guy!

community organizing
technically, i'm auditing this class, but it's a really involved audit. and i'm excited because i get to try out some of the things i learned in development tools and practices. we're working in a community in LA, the MacArthur Park/Westlake area, just west of downtown. this is a largely central american community, but there are plenty of others around. it used to be a mecca for drugs and violence, but now it's a mecca for fake IDs. mama's hot tamales has been instrumental in this change. tonight there's an event we're going to called "Tamales de la Paz", so i'm pretty excited about it!

this class has been interesting thus far... the point is basically to do research in the community and present our findings to the pastor of a church in the community, assessing its assets, needs, and opportunities for further development - spiritually, physically, economically. i'm a little overwhelmed, but i'm excited. this class is taught by michael mata, in conjunction with world vision.

culture and transformation
this class is taught by sherwood lingenfelter, who is also the provost here at fuller. he's an interesting man, and this class, in a way, is a review of how important culture is. so far, i haven't learned much new material, but i am putting it together in new ways and reviewing material and refreshing it in conjunction with my new experiences. i'm not very excited about my group project for this class, which is the assignment i'm presently putting off by writing this post. the class reading is good, though, and it gives me new frameworks and ways to describe things, which makes my organizational self happy.

teamwork and leadership
this class is co-taught by the SIS dean, Doug McConnell, and Shelley Trebesch. the first class was a little painful (boring lecture, unclear assignments), but it's gotten better. Doug is a great lecturer: engaging, realistic, and personable. i love him. the group project for this one is more to my liking. my team is GREAT, and we've decided to create a framework for a church to engage a local international community by creating an ESL Cafe. right up my alley, maybe i'll even try to implement it at my church!

so that's my quarter in a nutshell. some good stuff, some hard stuff, and some stuff i'm just not motivated for (so what's new?).

time to get to work!!!

an interesting weekend

2009-04-20T03:55:00.003-04:00

i'm not usually one for name-dropping, but this weekend was a good one!

saturday i was supposed to go to the beach for cameron's birthday. she is a friend from elementary school who lives in santa monica now, so i was excited to see her and meet her friends. alas, the point of going to the beach was to have a bonfire, and all the fire pits were taken by the time she arrived that afternoon, so our plans got scratched, much to my disappointment. dan was supposed to be my ride, so i still met him at the appointed hour, then invited him and a few others over for dinner before going to the screening of a film on campus. so we enjoyed some thai green curry and were on our way.

i had seen ads for the film all week: the ordinary radicals, but i wasn't sure what it was about. several friends were planning to go and trying to recruit me, so i was glad to see it with them. it's basically a documentary about shane claiborne's book tour for "Jesus for President". it's pretty much about how we, as Christians, are first and foremost citizens of the kingdom of heaven, and left and right don't matter as much. it was an interesting book to come out right before the election.

along the way, shane and his band, including his friend jamie moffett who directed the documentary, meet a bunch of cool people who do radical things. one guy read the book, and wanted to give all he had to the poor. only he didn't have much. the next day, he went on the price is right and won big (BIG!) and sold it all and went to africa to work at an orphanage. yeah, crazy (cool) stuff. there were several interviews with all sorts of people loving the poor, neglected, homeless, underserved, and marginalized in communities all over the nation. it was inspiring stuff.

in typical fuller fashion, hosting a screening of the film (the LA premiere!) included a Q&A session afterwards with jamie, the director. he had some interesting things to say and was generous to answer the audience's questions. afterwards, he announced that he would love to hang out with some of us, so he ended up at my apartment. yeah, you read that right. the crowds just kind of drifted off, so it was me and my group of friends still hanging around by the end. about 10 people came over, dan cooked some spaghetti and meatballs, and i put in a pan of brownies. we chilled a while, chatted with jamie about all sorts of things. (his favorite screening locale? toronto. his girlfriend's job? working for obama in the caribbean. yeah, i don't quite get that one, either.) sweet times, eh? i also appreciated, yet again, the international crew: norway, france and finland this time.

sunday, i went with a bunch of people to ecclesia, a church in hollywood. it meets at a big old theater, right on hollywood blvd. (we walked the length of the block of the theater on both sides, and of the hundreds of stars, i recognized 7 names, including carol burnett.) anyway, i was attending the service here (instead of my home church, oasis) because of the guest speaker that morning, donald miller. yes, the don miller that wrote Blue Like Jazz, Searching for God Knows What, and Through Painted Deserts. it was great. i loved the church service, and don was hilarious. ok, maybe not hilarious, but definitely funny and entertaining. he talked about what happened AFTER easter sunday - when Jesus appears to the disciples, and Thomas doesn't believe until he touches Jesus. don's point is we need to have faith. you can hear his message here, if you're interested.

after church, we headed over to sharky's for lunch. yummy. i just had to throw that in there for my most faithful reader. ;-) she could probably even eat there, too.

ok, thanks for listening to my bragging.

vulnerability

2009-04-18T14:33:00.002-04:00

i'm not really sure where this post will go... hopefully someplace good, as i process... wish me luck! and feel free to comment.

i've been thinking about vulnerability.
it all started with class. i'm taking "culture and transformation" with sherwood lingenfelter. he wrote "ministering cross-culturally", a book i read when i was in my missions training program i did almost 4 years ago. (he was actually an influence, albeit a small one, in my decision to come to fuller.) anyway, in his class, that book is required reading, so i pulled it out and re-did the cultural values profile. dr. lingenfelter has identified 6 areas that our cultural values are on a spectrum:

time orientation vs event orientation
dichotomistic thinking vs holistic thinking
crisis orientation vs noncrisis orientation
task orientation vs person orientation
status focus vs achievement focus
concealment of vulnerability vs willingness to expose vulnerability

in terms of cross-cultural ministry, Jesus was a perfect middle of all of these traits. as people who cannot be separated from our culture, we fit somewhere in these spectra, but often our "target" culture is on the other side of the line. we need to be aware of these issues and adapt to them.

i loved reading this book, and it helps me to understand people around me. for example, a co-worker of mine back in VA is very people and event oriented. as a co-worker in an environment where tasks and efficiency in tasks is a high priority, i was completely annoyed. but once i was able to recognize that he wasn't just lazy or careless, i had a lot more patience with him and was able to see his strengths. he really made customers feel valued and at home, a skill i was overlooking in my impatience with him.

but back to vulnerability. when i read this book a few years ago, i didn't give this area much thought. i hadn't even read the chapter on vulnerability before i began to use this concept to describe (to myself) my frustration with a friend. i knew i was frustrated and hurt by this friend, but i hadn't put this label on it.

i am definitely a person who exposes my vulnerability. actually, the way the book describes it culturally, i'm more middle-of-the-road, but in friendships, i am quite vulnerable. i prefer to be open and not hide what i'm thinking or feeling, sometimes to the detriment of the situation (my face doesn't lie, what i'm thinking is always written there!). actually, when i initially took the survey, i was on the other side of the line, but a lot of that has to do with being humbled into exposing my weaknesses and sins instead of trying to hide them.

i had a blog post up a week or 2 ago that i wrote on a day i was in a particularly bad mood. i don't mine telling the world how i feel, and i had no problem posting it and being honest with my frustrations and sadness over recent circumstances. a friend here at fuller happened to come across it that day, and she admonished me to be more careful, to not reveal too much of myself on my blog. honestly, i was a bit offended, because i am usually quite aware of the publicity of whatever i post. i had been thinking earlier in the day, however, that despite the fact that i didn't feel i had done anything wrong or over the line, my post still wasn't beneficial to anyone in any way. so i took it down.

back to my friend. besides my many sins and great selfishness in my friendship with this person, i am hurt and offended by their lack of vulnerability with me. not necessarily in the ways described culturally in the book, but in my friend's personal life. i know everything couldn't have been peachy-keen with my friend, but rarely was/is it exposed. i know a lot of it has to do with personality, on both of our sides, too, that it isn't merely a cultural values issue. and again, in our conflict, i certainly acted in a sinful way that didn't help the matter at all, so perhaps my friend had no reason to trust me with any level of vulnerability.

and i do see the irony here - i'm willing to expose my friend's lack of vulnerability, but i'm not willing to expose myself with my own list of inadequacies and sins.

i think i'm just realizing how much i value vulnerability as an aspect of intimacy in a friendship. no matter where people fall on the spectrum, i do expect some level of vulnerability in friendship. i don't expect people to be that vulnerable publicly, and i advise against it in many ways, but in the way i share life with my friends, yes, i do value knowing a person's struggles and weaknesses along the way. as a Christian, i feel we owe it to one another. none of us is a lone ranger, we all have strengths and weaknesses that require help from others. this is the essence of being a member of the body of Christ.

yes, along with this vulnerability and openness comes higher risk. by knowing my weaknesses, sins, and areas of vulnerability, those i have trusted with this information can hurt me greatly. but i can also find freedom in not hiding my sins and weaknesses. when i expose them, they can be mended, healed, and others can help pick up the slack.

i realize that both willingness to expose my vulnerabilities as well as concealment of my vulnerabilities can be self-serving and sinful. there is wisdom in both, and a time for both. i don't deny that.

on the other hand, i want to learn to care for my friends's vulnerabilities better. i want to protect them, care for them, and certainly not abuse them. i respect my friends greatly who have chosen to open up to me and share intimate things with me. i am honored to have a position in their lives that allows me to know these things. i am delighted that they trust me, and i need to learn to do a better job of guarding that trust. there have been occasions that people have told me things in confidence and i didn't realize that it wasn't common knowledge, so i repeated it elsewhere.

for example, a group i am in for class had a lively conversation one day about relationships across cultures. one group member wasn't there, so the next time we got together, we recounted a few highlights of our conversation to the missing member. but one of the group members that was there the first time wasn't there the second time was offended that we had repeated a few of the things we had said. i don't think this person was particularly offended, and we certainly didn't recount any of the specifics of what they had said, but rather the overall tone of the conversation and personal dynamics of the conversation. it's things like that that i want to be more aware and careful of. we are all in the same group, and i think we would have had the exact same conversation if the last group member were there to begin with, but still, i just want to guard the privacy of my friends in better ways.

i want to be known as a trustworthy person, with integrity and conscientiousness. i want to guard the privacy of friends and be a "safe" person with home they can be honest, open, and vulnerable with, because i value this trait in a friendship highly.

that said, i hope i haven't been too open with this post. i hope i haven't exposed situations or identities that needed to be protected... hmmm, still working on that one, i suppose...

do you trust me?

2009-04-07T23:47:00.002-04:00

curry makes everything better. *sigh*

it's finally caught up to me. what? everything. i'm tired, from the inside out. i've definitely been getting enough sleep, but i'm exhausted almost constantly. granted, i do enough to wear me out well, but all the change....

i hung out last night with some friends from a group i was in last quarter, and it was bittersweet. it was SO nice to be around people that i don't have to get to know all over again, who know me. not that we're all best friends, but i don't have to constantly explain myself around them. it was nice to just relax a bit and let my guard down.

at the same time, i feel like a different person than i was then. and that's a good thing. i'm SO thankful that i'm not the same person i was then, that i'm not dealing with the things now that i was then. SO glad. so it was a good thing, a good time with good people.

we FINALLY have a manager at work! but i have to be on my best behavior and present myself well. i've been afraid it would be like jim in "the office" recently - being misunderstood by the new boss and not looking good. i know i'm a good worker, but i also know my relational IQ is lower than average, so i have to constantly backtrack and explain myself. i don't mean to sound the way things come out sometimes, and it's exhausting to constantly have to have my guard up.

the new manager will be fine, i'm sure. so far so, good. she's nice, even if making the schedule will be tough for a while. that will come easier as she does it every week and gets to know us, i'm sure.

but i still don't trust new people, especially those in authority. so it's going to be interesting.

i've been wanting to watch the "Ocean's" trilogy for a while, particularly 12, i think.

with a new quarter comes new group work. which is exhausting. it's going to be stretching, for sure, but good.

i went down to pico union last night for andy's birthday carne asada cookout. YUMMY. it was really fun to see his neighborhood and his housemates and church friends. it's pretty cool down there. and thanks to kyle and lahela, who let me borrow their car! and kevin kept me company on the drive down there, good times.

i've had a hard time relating to another guy at work. i think i need to talk to him, but i'll wait until i'm not mad at him anymore. i think that would be smart.

there's more transitions, but i don't want to ruin the surprises for friends that are involved. and it's tough for me... i don't like change when things are fine the way they are, and i don't like it when it seems unnecessary or affects me negatively. but life IS change... i guess i'd better get used to that. even though it sucks sometimes. i'm so selfish!

we'll see where the quarter goes from here...

so the question God whispers in my ear, from one season to the next (whether i like it or not), is "do you trust Me?"

and yet again, i think i do, but i'm not sure.

soundtrack of my life

2009-04-05T23:29:00.002-04:00

so for a paper last quarter (my spiritual autobiography), i went the route of telling the story to the soundtrack of my life. and some might find it interesting, so i wanted to post a brief recap of the songs and a note about each one. this is what i ended up with so i could coherently tell my story, if it were a movie (or my paper could have been longer), there would be a few changes. some of these songs meant a lot to me at one point, some were (and still are) favorites, some just were in the background a lot during a season of my life. it isn't necessarily a good sampling of my favorite songs or genres, but the songs are important. enjoy.

1. In the Light * dcTalk - this was one of my favorite songs in middle school. the lyrics are still powerful.

2. Lord, I Give You My Heart * Teen Mania Ministries - because of this song, i actually thought about what it might look like to live my life "for God" for the first time.

3. Psalm 145 * Shane Barnard and Shane Everett - i got the "Psalms" album right when i first moved to oklahoma for college. i loved this album, and psalm 145 was my favorite track on it, and it still is a favorite song. hmmm, i should put it on right now!

4. You Are So Good To Me * Waterdeep - this song was the theme of my spring semester, freshman year. God really proved His goodness and faithfulness to me over and over again. it was in preparation for the following summer in turkey, but i didn't know it at that point.

5. Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things) * Charlie Hall - this was another anthem of God's faithfulness to me.

6. Gideon (Valley/Victory) * Jason Upton - this song describes my summer in turkey, minus the looking to God part, which He later taught me a bit more about. "I don't have all the answers, i don't even have a few."

7. Oh Lord Most High * Vineyard - a worship song from church that represents coming to the end of myself and submission to God. (thru ever kind of trial i face, form wisdom in my heart, by Your grace...)

8. Worth It All * Rita Springer - another song of surrender and submission for my stubborn heart and soul.

9. Rescue * Desperation Band - a song of my rocky trust in God, wanting to really follow Him as i rebuilt my faith and continued in school at OU.

10. The Scientist * Coldplay - a great song that represents all the good "secular" music i was introduced to in australia, the first time i was outside of "the Christian bubble".

11. This Love * Maroon 5 - was played on the radio every time i listened to it for a few weeks while i was in australia, particularly when i was traveling in the north with my sister.

12. The Answer * Shane and Shane - the lyrics represent the lesson of my time in australia - a distilling of what Christianity means to me - loving God and loving others.

13. Invade * Watermark - after a time of wandering, wondering if i really needed God or not, this song brought me back to my knees. don't ask me how or why, but it literally did. amanda played this album a lot when i lived with her.

14. Not A God (You Are God Alone) * Billy and Cindy Foote - another one Amanda played a lot, a song of worship and awe.

15. Livin' On A Prayer * Bon Jovi - the theme song of my last semester of college: just get me out of here!

16. There's Only One (Holy One) * Caedmon's Call - the chorus was the foundation i needed for my 5 months in "boot camp". it seems to be the truth that will keep me motivated on the mission field (and in the rest of life!).

17. Out of My Hands * The Turning - i hit bottom when i finished boot camp and ended up back in VA. the humility and rawness of this song was exactly where i was, but i was unwilling to look through eyes of faith.

18. Become * Goo Goo Dolls - a song that spoke to my heart when i was in europe, being rebuilt solely by the love of Christ.

19. Twentysomething * Jamie Cullum - the lyrics. need i say more? the story of my life, minus the bar fights.

20. Undeniable * Mat Kearney - a song of worship and praise

21. Sweetly Broken * Jeremy Riddle - the conclusion i've come to: at the cross, i am on my knees, sweetly broken, surrendered in love. it is here that LIFE is found.

22. Alegria * Salvador - a fun song that the girls danced to when we were in Nicaragua.

23. Desde Mi Interior * Hillsong United - i learned this song for nicaragua, and i loved the lyrics - i give You the control, justice and love culminating in sheer worship.

24. Verbalize * Shelley Moore Band - a fun song that i like the lyrics to, again (i can't describe Your love, i can't verbalize Your grace).

25. The Stand * Hillsong United - after arriving at fuller, i experienced God's goodness again (i'll stand, my soul, Lord, surrendered...).

26. Lead Me To the Cross * Hillsong United - another worship song from my church of surrender and worship.

27. From the Inside Out * Hillsong United - the english version of the one i loved in nicaragua. (let justice and praise become my embrace.)

28. Healer * Hillsong - a song of faith in God's character.

29. You Never Let Go * Matt Redman - a song of hope for the future, knowing that He never lets go, and never will.

musings

2009-04-05T22:38:00.002-04:00

i love daylight savings. love it.

i also love southern california. thank You, God, for bringing me here!!

i've now finished 75% of the things on my "to-do" list from spring break. spring break ended a week ago. things left: CA taxes, VA taxes, burning cd's for friends, a trip to Ikea, printing some photos, and hanging said photos on my wall.

have i mentioned recently how much i love my room? i love the view, the color i painted it, my bed, that it's mine alone, i LOVE it!

i cut my hair. but i need to trim it a bit and put layers in... i've got a bit of triangle-head going on. it's just long enough to put in a ponytail.

i bought daffodils! trader joe's has 10 stems for $1.29, so i bought 2 bunches. i love them! i also bought a potted plant and a small cactus. we'll see how long it takes for me to kill them.

school is already catching up to me. i barely had enough time to breathe over spring break, much less recuperate from last quarter and get excited about this one. i'll post soon enough about my classes this quarter.

i'm excited that due to easter next weekend, my thursday night class and my friday morning class are both canceled. so i only have 1 class this week! don't worry, i'm keeping busy! i'm meeting with a group from last quarter to finally celebrate the end of our project from last quarter. the missions fair is this week, so i volunteered to help with that a few hours. i figure if i'm trying to claim CA residency, i should have a CA driver's license, so i hope to get to the DMV on wed to get it. not to mention for the classes i don't have to attend this week, the syllabus says something like "this is a great time to get ahead on reading!" yeah, right!

i'm currently trying to burn CDs, but my burner keeps flaking out on me. it's done one copy ok, but 3 died. argh. i also want to burn a cd of songs for the schell family as they transition overseas this summer/fall. they're good people, and i wish i could support them in more ways.

i went to san diego today to be moral support for stacey, who was preaching at a church down there. she was fine-tuning her sermon on the way down, and it was really neat to talk through it with her and learned so much! if you had asked me a year ago, i would have pooh-poohed the idea of sermons at all. in some ways, i still really don't like them. i feel like it's all one sided, that often it's one person who tells others what "truth" is and that's it. there's no feedback, there's no conversation, there's no responsibility or response of the congregation. these things are still true, to some extent. but i do see the need for a humble teacher to speak and teach new things. and it's my responsibility to respond and think critically about what was shared. and even more, i'm a verbal processor, so that's why i feel so passionately about it. but so is stacey. so her talking through her sermon was the perfect opportunity for me to ask questions, give her my feedback, and make connections with the material i wouldn't have been able to if i were just being "preached to". it was fabulous.

we talked about how subversive Jesus really is. we talked about it in my culture and transformation class this week, and i am amazed at the creativity, glory, and fullness of our God!

ok, so palm sunday. Jesus's mission all through the gospels was heading for Jerusalem. so here He is, finally entering Jerusalem, "the triumphal entry". normally when kings come back from war, they enter the city in a triumphal entry, like napoleon entered paris via the "arc de triomphe". but here Jesus is, entering in triumph not because of what He has already accomplished, but because of what He WILL accomplish.

He enters via the kidron valley, the burial place of the kings - foreshadowing. also in the valley are many lush gardens because of the life-giving water flowing through - Jesus is the Living Water.

He comes on a colt, a donkey that has never been ridden before. in the old testament, a donkey that had never been ridden before was used for 1) a sacrifice of atonement for murder; 2) the purification ritual of priests; and 3) to carry the ark of the covenant, which carried the law and the presence of God. Jesus came to be the atonement for our sins, purifying us of our sins so that we all are priests, He IS the presence of God in human form, and He is the new covenant, the new law. Jesus fulfills ALL of these OT forms!

if i were a king, riding in triumphal entry, i would want to come in on a stallion. nope, Jesus comes in on a humble donkey. i would also command everyone to create a parade just for me, to honor me and praise me. Jesus gets such praise, but it's spontaneous from the people - those whose lives have already been changed. they are voluntarily worshiping.

man, i love this stuff. so amazing. what a God i serve!

my evening

2009-03-29T04:42:00.003-04:00

so.... i got off work at 4pm. i stopped to try to find some new shoes for work, but alas, none of the styles that would be ok were in my size. sigh. so i bought some flip-flops instead.

when i got home, i started making a pizza (YUM), then had a much-needed hour-long phone call with a friend. i owe many, MANY people phone calls, and i'm so sorry that i haven't made time for them yet. i've not been a very good friend! this conversation was pretty selfish, too, but i got to talk through some things that i know God wants to work on in me - pray for me! i'm so selfish and prideful!

i was able to catch stacey before she got too far away, so she came back to get me to go to dan's show. wow!! i knew he was good, but i didn't realize he is THAT good! i really enjoyed the show. it was longer than i was expecting, which was a nice surprise!!! i've heard about several of the songs he played tonight, and i've heard some of the lyrics before, but i hadn't heard the songs with the guitar, too. for example:

I don't want you to walk away
thinking my affections stray.
I'm not one to lose attention
on what I fashion from clay.
I stay until the work is done -
until beauty is complete.
Then I call everything home
as gently as I breathe.

uh, yeah. like that awesome. the other guys that played were also quite talented - much better than any other church-coffee-shop-night i'd ever been to (or heard of)!

then i went with flo and eric to see slumdog millionaire. it was definitely a good film (see? i'm calling it a "film", not a "movie"!), but it wasn't as awesome as some others think. it was definitely worth the $3 i forked over for it, and it was certainly entertaining, real, and funny. good times.

so then tonight, i came home and am making cookies. yes it's 1:54am, but the last batch is about to come out of the oven. when i'm at a loss for everything else in my life, cookies still make sense. even if i can't write a paper, or decipher a friendship, or anything else, i can still bake cookies.

winter quarter and so cal

2009-03-27T02:22:00.003-04:00

1. living in SoCal, where everyone works for hollywood, wants to work for hollywood, or just knows everything about hollywood, i now know i can't talk about movies. they're FILMs. directors and producers do a lot. i can't tell you exactly what, but i know they're important - a lot more important than i gave them credit for 8 months ago.
and yes, a vast majority of people here do have ties to the entertainment industry and draw a paycheck from it.
and it is fun to go to film festivals (i've been to 2 already, ok, i've seen 2 films total at 2 different festivals), but it's fun they're at places like "the writers guild theater" and "the directors guild theater".
hollywood really is big.

2. i pay a lot of money not to learn much. that needs to change. i need to approach classes with a different outlook, or something. it's dumb to not learn anything because the professors teach more than they ever assess. in one class, 95% of the class content was on subject material that was never assessed. which means i was graded on 5% of the material. yes, those are bad statistics for a class and he wasn't the best professor, or at least should change how he grades, but that doesn't mean that i only have to learn 5%. my whole life i've learned just enough to test well. that theory doesn't go over very well here. i can still do okay grades-wise, but that's not why i'm here. the classes i learn the most from are the ones that i put in more effort than is required for assignments. somehow, i need to do more of that.

3. i learn more from discussions outside of class than lectures. i learn more when there's a give and take in conversations, where i'm required to process the material and give feedback on it. a lecture is 1-way and i can (and do) zone out and never come back to it. (i think this is part of my passion for "simple church" - a group discussion, not a sermon.) the best academic experiences i've had this quarter took place after class, in informal settings with my classmates. most of these conversations were with other students in that class, but sometimes it's just someone who has asked about what i'm learning or something like that. i'm a verbal processor. unless i talk about it, either verbally or written, it doesn't stick. i need to figure out some system where i can talk more and write more and really internalize this stuff.

4. it's all good. life is crap sometimes. but it's all good. that's the big lesson from this quarter. i have more faith and confidence in God's grace, goodness, faithfulness, provision, and love for me than ever before. no matter what gets thrown at me (and trust me, PLENTY has this quarter), i KNOW that God's got it all under control. i don't have it all together, and i'm not a total wreck, but no matter where i am in the spectrum or the process, i know it's all gonna be good in the end. it may end with my death, but even then, it's all good.

5. it's spring break. i haven't talked to some of my best friends all quarter. my friend circle around here has shifted dramatically. i definitely owe some long conversations to friends in VA. i haven't blogged in 20 days. i moved and have 2 new roommates. i went camping once this quarter (just got back), went to downtown LA twice, had 3 personal retreats (all a class requirement), went to the san diego zoo and the long beach aquarium, went hiking locally once, and lived to tell about it all.
next quarter will bring 3 classes and auditing a 4th, still working, still going to oasis for church... it's gonna be crazy. i've got one trip planned to yosemite, and i just bought a plane ticket to dallas for the weekend after this next quarter is over for shara's wedding. it's gonna be awesome.

still on my list:
the sights in hollywood (& the hollywood sign)
disneyland
seeing the central coast
camping at malibu
hiking mt wilson and eaton canyon
griffith observatory
santa barbara
seattle/vancouver
backpacking in the sierras
death valley
possibly the 4 corners area (southern utah, northern arizona)
las vegas

good thing i've got 18 more months to do it all!

city of god

2009-03-06T14:24:00.002-05:00

so i watched the 2002 film cidade de deus (city of god) last night with some friends. one of them, elijah, is a gifted writer and prolific blogger. i knew he was deeply affected by the film, and i expected him to blog about it, and he didn't leave me disappointed.

here it is: wish you were here

and here is my response/comment:

a beautiful lament it is.

i think our responsibility goes beyond the lament, beyond the purposeful mourning and joining our hearts with theirs. of those who have been given much, much is required. i believe we are called to be advocates on their behalf, to rise up against the structures of injustice and sin, to call life out of death and despair. a righteous anger rises up within me to fight on their behalf, to bring hope and justice to a lawless, to defend the cause of the fatherless, widows, and aliens - those who have no voice.

i think that was the purpose of the film - to show the rest of the world a bit of reality for those kids.

so what will we do next?

it's an incomplete thought, an incomplete lament, an incomplete response. definitely more searching and thinking is required, as well as a deeper invitation for the Holy Spirit to mess with me a bit.

as we talked after watching the movie last night, i kept being reminded that this is why i'm here. i'm here a fuller to learn about the sustainable holistic development ways of bringing the kingdom of God a little closer to the most desperate places on earth.

it's films like this one that well up within me with a deep emotion - the lament, the passion, the hatred of satan, the deep longing for God to move magnificently and powerfully. the desire for God's glory to break through the dark places, to be an instrument in that direction.

so, dianne, what will you do next?

globalization

2009-03-06T04:18:00.002-05:00

i love inter-connectedness. i love "small world" stories. i love films that skillfully weave the storyline to connect seemingly unrelated people or events (babel, love actually). i love the whole "six degrees of separation" thing, especially for people on the other side of the country, or even planet. i found another one this week. a friend here's brother lived in DC with a guy who is the brother of a friend that i met in VA. small world, eh?

that's what i love about my "globalization and the poor" class - all the intricate details that all get woven together to tell an amazing story. i find it all ridiculously fascinating!

now if i can only figure out a way to write a final paper about all this.

procrastination

2009-02-24T21:07:00.002-05:00

i know i should have started researching my final paper for global evangelical movement a long time ago. i had an idea, started researching it this afternoon, and got somewhere, i thought.

then i went to talk to the professor. my crying-in-his-office record? 3 of 4 times. so today he chewed me out for waiting until the 11th hour. i had some good reasons for him, but some not-so-good reasons. and really, i just don't want to have to take his class again. so i don't care about getting an A, i just don't want to fail. and thankfully, i can re-write my proposal if it isn't good enough. which is due tomorrow (the first draft). so hopefully i can crank something out tonite that is good enough that earns at least a B-, then i'll just go on from there.

but really, his expectations are ridiculously high. the required reading for the class totals over 2500 pages, double the norm. not to mention whatever i read on my own for the 2 smaller research papers and the final (20 page) paper. ugh.

my point is that i'm not a student of history and i don't know how to approach history with a "line of inquiry" that he wants. it's history! all i know how to do is regurgitate it! his point today was that he can't help me wrestle with the material until i've done the reading myself. once i've read, say, 500 pages and have a dozen sources, he can help me form an argument with it.

i almost got up and walked out. then i realized that it probably wouldn't help our relationship very much.

so now i'm at the library, with a nearly dead computer (the new one, mind you, since i had to buy a new one last week since i spilled coffee all over the "old" one) and i forgot my power cord. and i'm checking my friends' blogs, catching up on emails, and writing this post.

even better, i'm leaving for "taco tuesday" in 16 minutes. yum.

here on the 3rd floor of the new library, i have (or had until it got dark 10 minutes ago) a great view of the mountains to the north and east. it's a bit smoggy today, which made for a great fading effect with distance. and the mountains that peek up between the 2 ranges that are closer are completely snow-capped, which with palm trees in the foreground is just fantabulous. i love it.

so now, with 14 minutes left to research, i shall start to look into the role of women in missions to china in the early 1900s. wish me luck. ugh.

ps.

2009-02-23T05:29:00.000-05:00

only 14 days until i move.

urban retreat day.

2009-02-23T05:28:00.000-05:00

It seemed like a normal day. Only this was a day that I could go out and have fun and not feel guilty because it actually counted for schoolwork. My urban exploration day wasn’t a new experience for me, it didn’t revolutionize the way I experience the city or the way I look for and experience God. It was a normal day of traveling alone.

On my way to the metro station, I walked by part of the municipal areas of Pasadena I hadn’t seen before. I saw a tent set up in an enclosed area with picnic tables, like an enclosed park. On my side of the fence, I saw a pair of boots on the sidewalk, set out like my neighbor sets out his shoes by his front door. I wondered if the boots and tent were connected.

While on the gold line to Union station, I read Matthew 15:21-28, the story of the Canaanite woman. (What are the crumbs? Who is asking for crumbs?) The chorus of Brandon Heath’s “Give Me Your Eyes” kept running through my mind. (There sure are a lot of bright, beautiful colors in all that graffiti.) Naps, scowls and books all around.

As I walked around Union station, I felt like I was in Europe, but the crowds looked different, with more luggage. (What does bringing God’s Kingdom look like here?) I decided that Los Angeles itself is the gateway to America. (Or is LA the gateway to the world?) A woman with a bun perfectly on top of her head.

I left the station, praying as I walked, and realized I was following someone to downtown. I found myself on Broadway, going south. (Do the trees in that courtyard know they’re not in a forest?) I spotted what looked like an Arab, a Mexican, and a Korean all huddled under an umbrella.

I followed the signs to the Central Market, wondering what kind of wares would be found there. As I ducked inside out of the rain, I found myself in another country. I had been here before, I knew it, but I couldn’t quite remember where. (Mexico? Morocco? Italy?) I simultaneously felt at home and like a foreigner in my own country. While eating my terrifically delicious tacos, I noticed that most people around me were by themselves, too. (Where are they from? What is their story?) A man in a blazer and bellbottoms. An African-American woman with white hair and striking green-blue eyes.

I then followed the signs to the Central Library and immediately fell in love with it. This was my sanctuary in the city – the foreign languages section – a refuge from communication, to communication. A man snoring behind me, on top of his pile of books.

All day I noticed the small, mundane, humorous things, just like I usually would. I enjoyed the artwork all around, the tiles, mosaics and murals. (Am I a tourist or am I engaging? How do I engage in this world?)

If Jesus is the answer, what is the question?

stories

2009-02-15T16:43:00.003-05:00

i shared my story yesterday. and it was a story i don't share often, or perhaps the reality is i've never shared it that way before. i connected things and thought about my story in a new way.

i usually say something along the lines of "the 3 years i was living at home in VA were hard." i might add that the first 5 months were especially so. but i don't usually go into how depressed or suicidal i was. and it's a scary thing to admit, especially to myself.

but praise be to the God of hope, who gives good gifts (and trips) to His children! He alone is the one who rescued me from the pit of despair, who sets my feet on a firm foundation - His love and grace. He is my life, my love, my hope, my praise.

Oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!

tired. go figure.

2009-02-05T03:10:00.002-05:00

i think, in some ways, life has caught up to me.

i have been so thankful to have the prudence of a steady pace of life. even when i am overwhelmed, i've had the sense of mind to slow down and chill out some. but i guess i haven't always been resting in that time, and i'm feeling it now.

tonite at work, my brain just wasn't on. and i didn't have much motivation to turn it on, and i did ok, but not great.

i had an up-and-down day. i got a package from my girls - yay!! i'm so excited and so thankful! it made my day! lots of cool things, fun things, and some practical things. ;-) and cards from all of them, and a cd, too! yay!

but then reality set in. i'm still bitter and jealous and think that i should be the one who gets to do some things other people get to do. and i'm tired of fighting the fight to not be jealous, to be excited for my friends who get to do cool things. and i know it's not always easy for them, so i want to be there to help and support them, but when i'm jealous, all i want to do is stay away and not be reminded that i'm not the one who gets to do it. so in some ways, i'm able to know my limits and let others step in to help. and in some ways, i've just got to get over it! oh Lord, help me!

i'm officially allergic to kay spirit sanitizer, the stuff we use at work. when i use it, i get a rash on my hands. now i officially know not to use it, or to wear gloves when i do. not a big deal, but now i know.

i officially signed my lease and turned in my 30-day notice today. i'm moving! it's official!!! i'll send out my new address in a bit.

i LOVE that i am here, that i can constantly verbally process. i'm SO thankful that i have people around me who will listen, give me feedback, and direct my thoughts in new directions. i have learned SO much just in the last few months!! and not just concepts and fact, but skills and wisdom, too. it's a beautiful thing. study groups are good for me, they force me to engage the material, but also use my critical thinking skills to distill out the important info.

but sometimes i HATE being a verbal processor. at least when i don't have anyone to process to. or when i use the wrong people to process to, and it's not good. that really sucks sometimes. it's like i'm walking around naked all the time.

like the "25 things" thing on facebook. i'd love to post 25 things, but really, the only things i can come up with are either not new to anyone (bc i'm such an open book), or they're completely inappropriate for general audiences. there's no in between with me, it's all or nothing.

it all makes for interesting internal dialogues.
but hopefully my mind will quiet enough to let me get some sleep tonite.

grace, hope, and faith

2009-01-31T14:54:00.002-05:00

i just don't know how people do it. i don't know how they live without the faith that i do, the trust i have in my God that He is good, and that He is working good in all things. i don't know what i would do without this knowledge.

in the midst of all that i'm working through, praying through, and dealing with, i have full, complete, sure faith in the process, or at least the One who is in control of the process. i can't explain it, but i have this deep hope that wells up within me, when i let it. being strong willed, i can push it aside, but i'm learning to depend on this hope and faith more than the feeling of power or control i get when i just dwell on the misery of my feelings and circumstances. i'm learning that i do have this choice, that i can choose to believe the confidence i have in things being good, or i can argue with it and be more lonely, miserable, and hopeless. as strange as it is to admit, i sometimes like to play the victim, to play the hopeless one. but i know that taking responsibility for the way i feel is part of the maturing process. it is good. it is good.

so i am learning that there really is grace available to me. grace for myself, that i don't have to be perfect today, nor do i have to have it all figured out, nor do i have to know what the end result of all this will be. i have the most amazing grace. the real grace, that teaches me godliness and brings salvation (see titus 2).

i know this season is about brokenness. the hurts are deep, the humility complete, my strength is gone. but when i reach the end of myself, He is still there. and the same moment i knew that brokenness is the lesson for this season, i knew that the purpose of it is to break up fallow ground, that a new thing can grow - the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. and i know that 2 years from now, the lessons learned now will be priceless.

i wish i could speed along this process, but i know that i need time. and i also have complete confidence in God's perfect timing, which is a new thing for me. i usually think He's wrong. ;-) and so i'm thankful that His goodness is worthy of my trusting Him. and i'm thankful to have the grace to be able to trust Him.

and i'm thankfult that i have eyes to see His providence. i'm thankful for the Holy Spirit He's put in me to speak truth in my inward parts. i'm thankful for the people He's put around me to speak into my life, to remind me of His perfect character, whether they are explicitly telling me in regards to my circumstances, or just proclaiming His goodness in their own lives. (see Ps 40:9-10)

...yet You have brought me to a place of abundance.

i finally get it.

2009-01-28T02:31:00.002-05:00

at least a piece of it.

we were never the friends i thought we were. which is why you could hurt me so easily. which is why you didn't even know you were hurting me so much. i came to you, told you my heart, and you were kind. but you didn't reciprocate. i thought you were trying, now i realize i was fooling myself. you hide from the world, but not a select few. and i'm not one of those few. i thought i was on the way to being one of them, but you never intended for me to be one of them.

and so we're back to pleasantries. and i long to tell you my heart, but i don't trust you with it anymore. and i can't not share myself with you, though i wish i could refrain. but i won't give you my heart. not anymore.

i finally get it.

things i can't say on facebook.

2009-01-27T01:34:00.005-05:00

like this is any better.

dianne doesn't want to know.
dianne is extremely annoyed.
dianne wants to punch the couch.
dianne is sick of this.
dianne thinks life's not fair.
dianne wants to move out pronto.
dianne is lonely.
dianne wants to throw up.
dianne is waiting for the other shoe to drop. or is it fall?
dianne loses all sense of concentration.
dianne hates herself for trying, then hates herself for not trying.
dianne loves thing she should hate and hates those she should love.
dianne does not want to forgive.
dianne does not want to be here.
dianne thinks "just one more month. just one more month!"
dianne can't get her mind off it.
dianne wishes she didn't have to think about it.
dianne wishes she weren't aware.
dianne doesn't want to hear the phone ring.
dianne avoids it, but it still haunts her.
dianne wants other people to be miserable, too.
dianne still wants to throw up. ugh.
dianne is a sinner.
dianne is a sinner, saved by grace.

up and down and back again

2009-01-26T17:45:00.002-05:00

as up and down as life seems to be these days, i want to celebrate the ups.

i just went thru the syllabus for "globalization and the poor" and downloaded all the articles that i need to read. it took a long time, but i glanced at the abstract for most of them as i downloaded them, and they make me so excited! i read the first paragraph of one, and it gave me shivers! i LOVE this stuff! if only i had enough time to read it all!

there was one book on the "recommended" list (so i didn't buy it) that is actually required reading, so i'm going to the bookstore to buy it. i remembered that there's another book that i should get for spirituality and mission. i didn't already buy it because it's a choice of 4 books, so we get to pick which one we want to read. i looked them up on amazon so i can make my choice by the time i get to the bookstore, and 2 of them look amazing!

one is i once was lost, the story of the transformation of the intervarsity group at UCLA(?) that went thru a huge transformation in evangelizing post-moderns.

the other one, which i think i will get, is the violence of love. here's one review: "Oscar Romero was converted by suffering: the suffering of a friend, of the people he served, and then finally his own suffering. There are many ways to be converted, but perhaps the best way is to live among the poor and to discover in them as Romero did, the presence of Christ. -- Samuel Ruiz Garcia, Bishop of San Cristobal, Chiapas Mexico" isn't that powerful? oh man, i can't wait to read it! actually, you can find it as a free pdf here.

the clouds are beautiful today. the mountains are similarly gorgeous. i am so thankful!

i have had the joy of friendship at key moments in the past few weeks. with the most perfect timing, someone has called, or come by, or i've run into them on campus. i can't explain it, but i am so grateful for those friendships and conversations.

"spirituality and mission" retreat

2009-01-25T02:37:00.002-05:00

Friday, i went with my spirituality and mission retreat to the Immaculate Heart Retreat House in LA, near Griffith Park. we met at 9am, talked and prayed and were given instructions, then sent out to spend the next 4 hours alone with God. we were given freedom to do pretty much whatever God directed us to do. we met back at 2pm to debrief, then we went home. this is the reflection paper that i wrote for the retreat. if you haven't seen my pictures, you're welcome to do so on facebook at this public link.

The retreat Friday, January 23, 2009, was not quite what I expected. I had been dreading it all week. My life had been emotionally exhausting, and I was afraid to me left with my own obsessive thoughts for a whole day. I decided that if nothing else, I could do some reading for another class.

When I arrived at the retreat, I wanted to meet with God, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to meet with God. When Paul asked us to picture Jesus in our minds, I couldn’t conjure up an image at all. He just wasn’t there. This is clearly the distant/dead view, which I planned to pray about.

When I threw stuff in my bag to bring to the retreat, I instinctively threw my camera in, too. I don’t always take my camera wherever I go, but I was excited to take pictures, even though I didn’t know what to expect. I’m so glad I did! I really enjoyed walking around, exploring the grounds, and documenting our day. I really felt that somehow, this was worship, or something that brings glory to God in some way. I’ve always enjoyed photography, but I had never sensed a spiritual dimension to it before. This has been confirmed to me in many ways with my photos from the retreat, and I am so thankful for it!

As I first sat down to quiet myself and just “be with” to God, I was so delighted to find that my mind wasn’t going a million miles a minute. I was actually able to enjoy the moment, listen to and watch the rain, and be at rest. Several times over the past week, the U2 song “All I Want Is You” went through my head, so I listened to it. I felt like that’s what God was saying to me, in a way, that all He wants is me, and that He’s teaching me to say the same thing. That was a sweet realization.

I was able to journal for a while and write out some of the thoughts and questions that had been plaguing me all week. I was hoping for and expecting to get some answers from God, but that didn’t really happen. I tried the visio divina with the three paintings emailed to us, but I didn’t get anything from it. So I walked down the hill listening to my ipod and tried to find deep insights in the little things, but I realized I was just over-spiritualizing things. I ended up at the traffic circle area with the big mosaic star paved into it. I set my Bible and camera down and started dancing. I have no formal dance training and have never danced like that before, and it was nice. I didn’t “feel the pleasure of God” or anything, but it just felt right, and it seemed like a physical expression for things I couldn’t express in any other way.

After a few songs, I went back to my spot on the patio and journaled more about the latest events of my life, including my wrong view of Him, but still I didn’t get any “answers”. I know that in His goodness, God has His own timing, and I was able to trust that, at least for those few hours. I had peace and contentment during the day and was delighted that even though my life is still a mess, God is also still in control and He is good. And I didn’t read for any other classes, after all.

there is no one like You

2009-01-14T15:18:00.002-05:00

there has never, ever, been anyone like You

You are King of the present, King of the past and future.
You are King when i understand, King when i don't understand.
You are King when life is complex, difficult, and incomprehensible.
You are King of my life when i try to sort out the past and plan for the future.
You are King when my emotions go crazy on me, when i'm completely irrational, and inconsolable.

You are King, Ruler of my heart, Lover of my soul.
there is no one like You.

things i've done....

2009-01-13T20:04:00.002-05:00

Here’s the rule: Bold the things you’ve done & post on your blog!
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band - oh, the long-ago days of band…high school marching band counts, right?
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (what about DisneyWorld?)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo – how about in the shower?
11. Bungee jumped – I don’t think this is even on my list of things I want to do!
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - I’ve seen it in person, but didn’t go up.
18. Grown your own vegetables – my parents had strawberries and tomatoes, and I’ve grown basil… is basil a vegetable?
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked – in Mexico, nonetheless!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – “mental health days” were not acceptable in my house!
24. Built a snow fort –with what snow???
25. Held a lamb
26. Kayaked a fjord – ok, I added this one myself ;-)
27. Run a Marathon – the closest I’ve come is an 8k
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – that's expensive, man!
29. Seen a total eclipse – definitely some partial ones!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise – hmmm, do ferries count? Even nice ones?
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community – I’ve seen Amish people, but I haven’t really been to a community.
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing – does scrambling count? Or in a rock gym?
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke – yes, thank you, Aaron Kennedy, at the Groundhog Day party
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching – I was on a boat where we saw whales, but that wasn’t the sole purpose of our excursion
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – does a book count?
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been given a raise
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book – how about a book of my photos from snapfish?
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House – I’ve seen it from the gate, do they let you inside anymore?
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – yup, a chicken in boot camp.
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life – I’d like to think so…. I was a lifeguard and had a couple “rescues”
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous – Kato Kaelin and Mike Tyson were on my flight to nowhere…
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit – hmmm, I worked at a law firm one summer that had its share of issues, but none involving me. Except that I was working there temporarily because 2 attorneys and a clerk were in jail. Does that count?
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee – plenty of wasps, thank you.

winter quarter

2009-01-13T01:14:00.002-05:00

so. phew. i have quite a lot of work to do, but tonite, i think i'm just going to do some thinking and processing. there's always tomorrow to write the paper due the day after tomorrow, right? right.

first off, I GOT A 97 ON MY POVERTY AND DEVELOPMENT PAPER!!!! if you can't tell, i'm ECSTATIC!!! i really thought my best hope was a 90. i threw together the material at the last minute and, as you may recall, sprinted to the office to get it in by 5pm. i spent waaay too much time researching and reading about greg mortenson and the central asia institute (the heros of the book three cups of tea) and way too little time reflecting on the development literature that i was using to evaluate CAI. yet somehow, it worked! there was a whole other section i had planned to write that i just didn't have time to do. but i tried my hardest and spent an hour formatting it properly. no joke! the professor was serious about what he wanted! i was anxious to find out my grade, and i went 3 times today to try to pick up my paper and finally got it. i was speechless. hard to believe, i know, but SPEECHLESS.

ok, so living situation: courtney had told me in dec that she's moving across the freeway with some girls in march. actually, the girls all already live there, but she won't move until march, when our lease is up. i'm excited for her, but a slight bit anxious about my own plans. i had wanted to move out of chang because it's so expensive, but.... yeah. so a friend i work with is getting married about the same time, and i happened to sit next to her current roommate when watching the unmentionable game last thursday nite. so she said i could move in with her! they have a 3-bedroom here in chang, so i'd have my own room, get to stay near my friends, and still be close to campus. then tonite, a classmate who's also in my cohort mentioned that one of her roommates is moving out, so i could move in with them, too. it's not in chang (which = cheaper), but it's across the freeway, next to where courtney will be living, actually. it's a really pretty street full of fun fuller people, but a longer walk to campus, and not as convenient or close to work or the store, either. so either way, i'd live with one person i like and one person i don't know, i'd have my own bedroom, and i've got somewhere to go!!!

ok, classes.

1. globalization and the poor. this class is taught by bryant myers, who taught poverty and development last quarter, and is also my cohort leader. yeah, we're tight. ;-) here's the official class description:

"This course explores globalization as a deeply rooted historical change process that has significant impact for good and ill on the poor. The course will deal briefly with the history of globalization, its supporters and its skeptics. The course will address multilateral organizations, such as the World Bank and the WTO, in terms of the impact of their policies on the poor. Special attention will be given to globalization and the non-formal economy where most of the poor live. More than half the course will focus on macro development issues and strategies for poverty eradication including topics like the Millennium Development Goals and making markets work for the poor."

sounds good, huh? globalization is one of those words that means so many different things to different people, so i've learned that i need to define it when i use it. the class will be more work intensive than poverty and development, but it should be good. for the record, this class meets once a week, thursday mornings, 8-11am.

2. global evangelical movement. this is the class that is the reason i will not be coming out to play anytime soon. the work load is RIDICULOUS, but the professor is fair and funny. well, he's a hard grader, but he's said if we don't like our grade on the first two papers, we can redo them within a week for a higher grade. oh, and one of those was due today, and the other is due the day after tomorrow. talk about diving right in! the class is essentially a history class, tho, so even tho i don't like history, i'm glad it's not theology where it gets all philosophical and crap. ;-) i think in the end i'll love this class. and i think i've already learned more in this class than i did all of last quarter in church and mission. for serious. ok, here's the course description for this one:

"The evangelical movement has been the main engine of the modern missionary movement and has contributed directly to the globalization of the Christian faith. This course will examine the historical and theological roots of contemporary evangelicalism as well as the socio-economic and political factors, which have shaped its expressions and impact in a variety of contexts. Special attention will also be paid to characteristic features of evangelicalism worldwide, including its inner tensions, internal debates, and traditional proclivity for anti-intellectualism. Its prospects in the twenty-first century (notably in its Pentecostal/Charismatic forms) will also be assessed."

this class is taught by jehu hanciles. i've already talked to him outside of class twice, cried in his office once, and i've got another appointment to see him tomorrow. and the class meets twice a week, mon and wed, 11am-1pm.

3. spirituality and mission.
this class is taught by jude tiersma-watson and paul jensen on monday nights, 630-930pm. this is just about as non-academic as a class can get and still be for credit. we're looking at different varieties of spiritual disciplines and practicing them ourselves with the realization that all life comes from Christ. in mission, we are constantly giving of ourselves, so this is more about how to feed ourselves so we don't dry up. which is actually a good lesson as i work through the stresses of global evangelical movement! it's no accident that these 2 classes are offered in the same quarter!! here's the official course description:

"This course will help students develop an approach to their spiritual life that integrates their spirituality with their life in mission. We will examine Richard Foster’s approach to the six traditions of faith, seeing how God has worked through all these streams in history. The interplay between context, culture, theology, and spirituality will be explored within the contemporary collapse of space and time. Various practices will be introduced in class, including the Jesus Prayer, Lectio Divina and the Examen."

this class will be time consuming, but hopefully more life-giving than draining. but it will certainly take stretching and discipline i have yet to exhibit!

so yeah, this quarter is going to be tough. i'm not sure how i'm going to get through it, but i'm sure i will, somehow. and i think in the end, it will be much more fruitful and rewarding than my classes last quarter.

so with that said, i'm going to redding this weekend! redding is in north central CA, about 8-10 hours away. there's a church up there that ruth's pastor from norway is interning at for 5 months, so we're going to see him (and apparently several of ruth's other friends who are up there) and check out the church, bethel church. there's a lot of cool Holy Spirit stuff going on, and this will be my first foray back into that kind of ministry in a long time. pray for grace!! but i'm sure good things will come of it. i'll let you know what happens. there's a group of a dozen or so of us headed up, so if nothing else, it will be great road-trip fun!

the following weekend, i'm going to the san diego zoo! a group of us from my church, oasis, are going down for the day to see the awesome animals. matt, our "outdoors pastor", comes up with some outdoors-y activity for us each quarter, and this is one of the events on the agenda for winter. (remember, we went to joshua tree last fall? we also did the hike to the bridge to nowhere, and we tried a full moon evening hike, but ended up just going up the 2 to get a view of LA at night.) also this quarter, a ski trip is in the works (not sure if i'll do that one) and hopefully, a camping trip to anza-borrego desert state park. the desert is in full bloom in early march, so hopefully we can go then. next quarter, a camping trip to yosemite is in the works. woohoo!

which brings me to this past weekend... i went with hanne, matt c and jakeoung to the scandinavian film festival! i had to work that night, so i went to the afternoon showing of white night wedding at the writers guild theater in beverly hills. the film is the icelandic academy award entrant for best foreign film. we'll see if it gets nominated! i really enjoyed it (i laughed a lot more than anyone else in the theater), and we had a good time of discussion afterwards. i drove home along sunset blvd at sunset with a full moon - fabulous!!!

sunday, i decided to make the most of the GORGEOUS weather and my access to courtney's car (she was gone for the weekend). i have wanted to go up mt wilson for a while, so i finally just decided to go, despite the work piling up around me. ruth went with me as we drove the 210 west to the 2 north up the back side of the mountain. if only the mt wilson toll road were open, it would have been much much shorter!! but alas, it's just a hiking trail now. there's an observatory at the top, as well as a bunch of TV antennas and ... snow!! yup, in the shade, there's still quite a bit of snow up there! and the views east and north (which are normally obscured from pasadena by mt wilson itself) were also superb! not to mention sunset over LA! we could see the ocean for miles and miles, as well as catalina island. the view was MUCH clearer than this, but it gives an idea. the two parallel lines of brighter lights at the bottom of the frame are pasadena. also similar is this. we could also see these islands!!! ok, i'm so excited! i knew it was a clear evening, but i didn't realize HOW clear!

oh man, good times.
well, folks, thanks for reading this far! let me know how you guys are doing!

too much to say

2009-01-12T19:08:00.002-05:00

so this quarter will be ridiculously tough. way more reading than i can accomplish, a paper was due today and another is due wed.

and in the midst of it all, i find myself singing
"Oh praise the One who paid my debt! Who raised this life up from the dead!"

oh the sweet blessings of Jesus, to remind me of the right perspective. i am nothing without Him, and i can accomplish nothing on my own (including school work)! if am to learn anything this quarter, to write any papers or do any research, it will only be because of the gifts He has given me and His grace to get me through.

and so i can rest.

oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!

i live in a broken world.

2009-01-05T13:00:00.003-05:00

pasadena is starting to feel like home, yes, but not completely. it's still very hard some days.

last fall, i got here, went thru a little shock and adjustment, then LOVED it. i love my church, my new friends, being in school (maybe not the classes themselves, except for poverty & development), living in my apartment, living in CA, the new store i work at, all of it.

a little more than 2 months in, reality set in. the honeymoon phase came down with a crash. people have flaws, my classes intensified, i had an enjoyable but not restful thanksgiving with my sister, relationships got hard, and i settled into a groove of just existing, not living the fullest life possible.

so then i pushed through (time-wise), finishing the quarter and trying to get things done before the break.

being in VA was good; busy, but good.

and now i'm back in CA. hoping that all is well again, and being sorely disappointed that all the frustrations i left behind are still here. work is sometimes hard. i don't really know where i fit in at my church. my friends are very different than i and it's hard to communicate effectively with them. there's a certain level of awkward with some of them, and sometimes a one-way admiration. i have to look for a new apartment in 2 months. my bed sucks, but should i get a new one if i'm moving in 2 months? my friends want to visit (yay!) but it's the weekend i've got a "retreat" for a class.

not to mention i still don't know what to "do" with all the homeless people i see around here. one of them, diane, lives at my starbucks. (great name, isn't it?!) usually she's in a jovial mood, tho easily set off to be a foul mood that it's best to give her some space. yesterday she just looked defeated. i don't know what happened, but she wasn't in her usual good mood or her usual bad mood. and i don't know what to say or do or how to help her. i want to respect her and give her dignity, but how?

and in less than an hour, classes start for the quarter. geez.

back in pasadena...

2009-01-03T14:29:00.002-05:00

wow.
i haven't really been honestly blogging in a while. part of that is i don't know what to say. part of it is i don't want the whole world to know what i'm really thinking. i've had ridiculously conflicting thoughts and emotions the past 3 weeks. well, 2 months, really. i guess that comes with the territory: VA no longer is home, but CA isn't quite home yet. but it's on it's way in, so i think i can call pasadena home now.

but home in a transient sense. i won't be living in this apartment but for 2 more months. which is crazy to think about, and stressful to try to think about "where next?" i'm not worried about finding a place, but just the change in relationships that comes with a change in roommates and neighbors.

i had a great time in VA. it was kind of nice - i didn't have to worry about "fitting in" or being the kind of person someone would want in a friend, like i had to impress people into liking me. i was more focusing on the friendships i already had, which was freeing that i could talk to people and enjoy them as a person that i couldn't have done 6 months ago. ok, this sounds weirder and a bigger deal when i write it out than it actually is... but anyway.

flying across the country sucks. when i moved here, all things went well, but going back to the east coast and coming back to the west were harder than anticipated. stupid winter weather and broken planes. flying into and out of vegas is cool. lake mead and the hoover dam, a great view of the strip - the mirage, the venetian, mandalay bay, the eiffel tower, the luxor... all icons visible from the plane. we also flew over the grand canyon, which was awesome to see from above. it looks different from way up there. now i just need to get to the bottom. on the way out of CA, i also flew over joshua tree. it was cool to see from above, too, especially since it has snowed the night before. from above it's a lot easier to remember i really do live in a desert.

so classes start monday. i'm ready to start thinking and seeing my friends again after the break, but i'm not ready to dive into actually studying again. i bought some of my books online, some i'll go pick up at a bookstore today, and some i will need to buy at the school bookstore, which conveniently doesn't open until monday. i'll post later what my classes are... once i'm more in the academic mood.

i'm not used to such strong, opposing emotions. it's quite frustrating for me, really. i'm so glad to be back, but once i got back, i dropped my bags and was immediately lost and lonely. thankfully matt and lara rescued me from that, then a movie night at becca's with matt, lara, matthew, courtney, julie, and boram helped. ;-)

i've unpacked one bag, the easy one with all the clean clothes. i haven't opened my other bag. i need to run some errands today before i go to work at 4pm. i feel like i've wasted the whole day, but really, i've accomplished quite a lot and it's earlier than it feels. i guess part of that is jetlag. interesting. i can't wait for my other friends to get back...

i fell both immensely loved and incredibly alone. it's a strange burden, part of adjusting to a new life, i guess. i constantly have to keep my expectations in check. i want the whole world and know i should be content with much much less. it doesn't help that i'm an introverted verbal processor.

ummm, yeah. i think that's it for now. onward-ho!

my stomach turns...

2008-12-29T01:35:00.002-05:00

just got a great (as usual) email from ryan (and michaela, now). they talk about the incomprehensible juxtaposition of poverty and football... watch about the cholera crisis in africa, then turn the channel to catch the highlights on sportscenter. i work at a starbucks in a posh area of town, and there are (at least) 3 homeless people living out front. what do i do? how do i respond? my stomach turns.

i'm really much more selfish and self-centered than that. jealousy also does my tummy in knots. there, i said it. i'm a jealous person.

i'm meeting up with an old friend tomorrow. it's going to be interesting for sure. flip-flop goes my insides.

i keep thinking about a situation i have no control over, that i should be happy about. but i play out the what-ifs in my head, the alternate universe my head has created. my stomach turns with every new "what if?"

or maybe i'm just hungry.

merry Christmas

2008-12-25T19:22:00.003-05:00

it's been a while... it's been nice to be unplugged for a while. it's been go-go-go, that i feel like i haven't been able to sit and think about anything, it's all just "what's the next thing?" it's been like that over a month, although thankfully, in the last 2 weeks or so, it's been mostly social events to attend, and not tasks to accomplish. phew!

i enjoyed, for the most part, my family reunion last week. actually, i enjoyed all of it, but i had hoped to talk to other family members more. we went up to bryce, where it sleeted overnight and a nice layer of freezing rain, too, but no snow. bummer!

hmmmm... so i'm a tad disappointed at the moment, tho i was completely content 10 minutes ago. it just occurred to me that i didn't get but one thing on my Christmas list! i did get several very great things, and i'm so excited for the bag that was on my list that i did get, but apparently dec 2 was too late to send my wish list to my family.

it did occur to me last night and today that for the first time, i'm much more excited about what i gave this year than i received.

that's about all the thinking i've done much of the last few weeks1 forgive my brain for trying to rest!

wordle

2008-12-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

title="Wordle: blog 2"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/395158/blog_2"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

short story.

2008-12-08T03:02:00.003-05:00

ok, so at the beginning of the quarter, i went to the bookstore to buy my books that i needed, and found a lot of other interesting books, too. one of the "extra" books was an old, used copy of a book called "rural development: putting the last first." it sounds like a lot of what Jesus said (right?), when He said the first should be last and the last should be first. so i was happy i found such a great book for $10!

well, then my class started, and i skimmed the book and realized that it's pretty outdated and that development theory has come a loooong way since 1983, when that book was published. also, the guy isn't even a Christian! so much to my dismay, that Bible verse isn't even in the book! sad! what a waste of $10!

so now i'm writing my final paper for my poverty and development class. on my last paper, one of the comments was that i need to use the original source for material, not my professor's book, where he talks about all these other guys. i should go back to the original place the other guy said it if want to quote or reference it. and lo and behold, i'm writing the paper on sunday nite (the day before it's due), and i need the original source on something this guy said. crap, the library's closed.

OH WAIT!!! I HAVE THAT BOOK!!!!! SWEETNESS!!
so now i have the source i need for this one reference for my paper. woohoo!

come.

2008-12-07T00:43:00.003-05:00

my heart is a mess.
i see that and have many questions, and i want all the answers. why do i feel the way i do? have i been hurt? why do i feel hurt? who has hurt me? do i have the right to be hurt? am i just being selfish and immature? what are all the emotions i'm feeling? why do i feel them?

i want answers because i think knowing all the "whys" will help me fix myself.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i think that if i can figure out what i'm feeling and why, i will know how to pray.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i want to know all these answers so i can program myself to respond "better" and "more appropriately" in the future. so i will know what all the right words are so that no one knows that i'm anything but fine.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i think that if i can analyze myself better, i will be more lovable.

Jesus says I already love you. come to Me, and i will give you rest.

Jesus, how do i come?

culture shock

2008-12-04T15:31:00.002-05:00

yup, i'm experiencing culture shock. it doesn't make it easier to know what it is, but it does make me feel less crazy. i've been here close to 3 months, and the charm is wearing off. relationship are more real (aka hard), the gloss of classes is long gone, and my emotions and frustrations are off the charts.

the honeymoon is over.

yup, it's culture shock. and i've got less than 2 weeks here to make sense of it before going home, to another type of culture shock.

pray for me!

things i'm thankful for:

2008-11-26T17:14:00.002-05:00

my computer
wifi in class
rain
chacos
plastic spoons
U2
my job
the office
maps
norwegian friends
health
chapstick
an oven
chocolate!
tina fey as sarah palin
charlie hall
shampoo
keens
target within walking distance
airplanes
other countries to visit
the minimal spanish i know
smiles and laughter
cell phones
paul bettany
instant message, skype, and email
radar
tv on the internet
the Holy Spirit
thai food
diet dr pepper
the ocean
hiking
the mountains
house church
thursday am prayer
my 3 asian groupmates
small world connections
australian accents
being on facebook in class
sleep
coffeemate
chocolate and mint together
jack johnson
pizza
long walks and talks, whether in person or on the phone
care packages from my girls
chairs
honest conversations
friends all over the world
thunderstorms
the color blue
chex bars
itunes
national parks
blogs
linear thinking
fog
decentralized (non)institutions
chick-fil-a
dancing
good books
curly hair
zephyr's
that i don't live in eastern europe
thundersnow
clouds on the mountains
digital cameras
morocco
longsleeve t-shirts
hope
windows that open
naps
pdf's
and pfd's
kayaking!
did i mention chocolate yet?
moose!!!!!
contacts
time
panera
coffee tumblers
eucalyptus trees
confused flowers that bloom in the winter
friends with cars who drive me places
imdb
rocks big enough to climb around on
the sound of rain on the roof
fun neighbors
seasons
in-n-out burger
rusty's custard
photography
sunsets and sunrises
jackie
hoodies

and of course, all my friends and family!

remember, ponder, ask of God

2008-11-23T03:53:00.002-05:00

something happened the other day (tho i really can't remember what) that made me think about the times that God has spoken clearly to me.

there's the one time i literally heard the voice of God. i was in college, my senior year, living in parkview. i had stayed up late working on a presentation i had to give for class that i dreaded. i overslept somehow, and as clear as day, i heard my name. just "dianne." only it was prasha's voice. and prasha is nepali and doesn't say my name quite the same way as anyone else. but of course, prasha wasn't there. and i knew immediately it was God that had spoken my name to wake me up.

i was thinking of several things that God spoke clearly to my heart while i was in europe. many of them i have associated with a hike i went on in norway, but when i looked back at my journal, they happened over the course of a few weeks, not a few hours on the side of a mountain. one of those was me wanting to get a dog. and i quickly and immediately knew in my heart that i couldn't because i wouldn't be in america long enough to take care of it.

i look back on the first few weeks of my trip and am thankful for the lessons i learned. and even moreso, i am thankful for the time i had with Jesus. i was completely dependent on Him (like in Goteborg, sweeden - look at the archives of my blog), and i was desperate for Him. i needed answers to the things my heart questioned. tho it is funny... the 5 questions that i had written out and asked God to answer, not one of them was answered on the trip. a few were answered in coming months, once i returned, but some are just starting to arise again right now.

it's funny that God answers prayers in ways that are so completely different. for some of those questions, it just seemed like the way God answered them was to just set them aside. i didn't really need those answers. but He did answer other prayers, questions i didn't even know i was asking until He answered them. others were a clear "no", but He gave me the option and let me decide for myself that i didn't really want what i was asking for (like earlier this week).

so for now, i wonder what questions my heart is asking that i don't even know about. i wonder what questions i do have that i am asking the wrong question about. i wonder what questions God will clearly answer.

i wonder what i will look back upon and see that God spoke so clearly about.

i sometimes just have to laugh.

2008-11-20T00:52:00.002-05:00

man, God is so crazy sometimes!!

ok, so my post yesterday was me complaining about what i lack in the face of all that God has so richly, abundantly provided for me. at Bible study last night and at cohort this morning, we talked about John 6, where Jesus feeds 5000 people. He didn't need to, He just did it out of His own extravagance and abundance. and not only did He feed them, but 12 (TWELVE!) baskets of food were left over!! at Bible study, the application was "what extravagant thing will God do for me this week?" we also discussed how Jesus asked phillip to feed the people, but he clearly didn't know how. so the other application question was "what impossible thing is God calling me to do that i have to let Him do?"

at cohort, my thought was that even tho they only had 5 loaves and 2 fish, Jesus still gave thanks for it. it was afterward that it was multiplied. so what small things do i have that i can offer thanks for, that God can use in huge ways?

well, as discussed yesterday, i have HUGE things to be thankful for, and i am so grateful to be here to learn and do the things i am. so even as i feel i'm lacking in some ways, i do have SOMETHING to be thankful for. i wish i had more, but i should be (and am) grateful for half-fulfillment of these things.

i walked into my class this afternoon, and it's held in the same room that chapel is held in earlier in the day. i don't usually go to chapel, and i'd never see a "program" or whatever for it, so i saw one on a bench and looked over it. yup, psalm 103:1-5 was printed on the back. true story.

ok, God, i get it! i will bless You for all you are and do in my life!

this is really where the funny part comes in, and as i thought about it tonite, i realize this is the 2nd time God has done this to me. so in a weird way, God kind of dangled before me what i thought i was lacking. and i DEFINITELY don't want it anymore!! i mean, i am sure that i will want it again later, but man, NOT NOW!! (the first time, i was in europe, and God clearly spoke to me just once and it settled the matter for the next 2 years.)

and so i laugh at God. or is it with God...?

i trust in You

2008-11-18T20:04:00.002-05:00

Hillsong "Healer":
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

i awoke with this song in my head this morning. i learned it 2 weeks ago, i think, when we were praying over my friend who is seriously sick. it has different meaning for me, and i'm thankful for it (and itunes).

psalm 103:1-5
bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless His holy name!
bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

God has been SO good to me! i have had the opportunity the past few days to tell of His goodness, to think back upon the past 2 months that i've been here, as well as the past 7 years (my most significant growth in Christ in my life).

my life here is more than i could have asked for. i enjoy it immensely and am learning things i had never considered.

yet i long for more. my desires are selfish, like i am somehow entitled to more. instead of being thankful for the incredible abundance, i am constantly wrestling with what i don't have right now. i don't want to be fighting this battle, but like my roommate said last nite, if i don't struggle with it - keep laying it down (and then pick it up again) - it will only become a huge monster that overtakes my life. it already overtakes more of my thoughts and energy than i can really admit, and i'm so ashamed.

so for now, i say that Jesus, i trust in You. You are more than enough for me, You're all i need. i will bless You, i will not forget Your benefits: Your salvation, Your forgiveness, Your healing, Your redemption, Your steadfast love and mercy, Your goodness to me in every way conceivable, even in what i think i lack.

i trust in You.

a glimpse of light in the darkness of studies

2008-11-17T13:54:00.003-05:00

i'm sick of schoolwork, in so many ways. mainly i just get frustrated by assignments that have no meaning to me, like required readings that are full of long, big, stupid words and that have no relevance to either my assignment or the class discussions.

but occasionally (ok, most of the time) i come across something that makes sense.

"Perception of this unbreakable link between justice and love is a step toward recognition of the utter freedom of God who cannot be shackled by anything, not even by our ethics and theologies of justice, but can be encountered only within the practice of justice and loving relationships. That means concern for justice will unfold into contemplation of God's gratuitous love adn abounding tenderness, which provide justice with its true horizons, reference points, and depths of meaning. The justice of God is God's love that gives and forgives endlessly. Among such gifts are opportunities and challenges, at times painful and mysterious, to grow to the Everest possibilities of the human heart--opportunities of the kind offered to Job and Jesus."
-Samuel Rayan, "Wrestling in the Night"

something to chew on, eh?

time and directions

2008-11-16T16:34:00.003-05:00

my sense of time is skewed. i depend heavily on the sun to clue me in on approximately what time it is. the weather, too, in as much as the seasons dictating what angle the sun should be at what time.

so especially with the LA fires, which dim the sun a bit (even tho it is fully sunny), my sense of time is quite screwed up. i look outside and think, wow, it's already 4 or 430pm? then i check my watch: try 1:30. the sun is at a low angle and it's 90 degrees, that must mean it's about 6pm. nope, 3:30. 6pm is completely dark, even if it is 75 degrees still.

when we were hiking yesterday, i apparently was a little turned-around directionally (which makes sense after winding around on mountain roads a while to get there). i kept thinking it was already mid to late-afternoon, even tho it was only 11am. it seemed like we were heading east and the sun was setting in the west, as it was at a lower angle. nope, the canyon we were in opened to the south, and the sun was at a low angle just because it's mid-november. oops.

when i was in australia, i would get mixed up all the time. i still often mess up directions based on where the sun is. yes, the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west, but in the winter months, it is to the north, not the south. i still think of campus being north of the residence halls, when actually it's south.

in VA, the ocean is to the east, and inland is to the west. so here, i get confused since it's opposite. i didn't realize how ingrained that definition of east and west are until i mis-speak it out here. i mean to say malibu is west, but since it's on the coast, that, by definition makes it to the east. nope, it's really west of here.

so i'm sure most of you are like, dianne, you're just silly, but it's these little things that mess me up, that make me realize that the way i think of things doesn't make it correct. it's a bit humbling, and i definitely need that!

dianne would like...

2008-11-14T16:55:00.003-05:00

to stop someone else's pain.

to scream truth at someone.

to have more self-discipline when it comes to studying.

to forget the past, at least some of it.

to know why remembering the past, both good and bad parts, is painful.

to not have a headache.

to not be so melancholy.

to be able to structure my papers better.

to stop the clock.

to jump ahead 5 years.

to have a best friend.

to understand people.

to travel more.

to know the heart of God.

to have more discernment.

to dance my heart out.

to communicate more clearly.

to radiate glory.

to understand myself.

no one notices the contrast of white on white

2008-11-13T14:59:00.002-05:00

i need to cut my bangs again. they're getting too long.

i want to post, and keep my public aware of the goings-on, but i don't know what to say. it's been a more introspective, less intensive week. in a lot of ways, i feel like i've reached my max, but i've only just begun.

i decided on a topic for my final paper for poverty and development - trace the growth of greg mortenson's ideas of development thru his book, "three cups of tea". yes, the same book i read this summer that i loved. i'm excited that i get to write a paper about it! but at the same time, i wonder if there are enough sources to really develop it well. and of the sources i already have, it will take a LOT of reading and sorting thru to find the bits that are good for this class and paper. so it will take a LOT of work, and i wish i could work on nothing else the next 3 weeks. the end of the quarter is coming quickly!!

i was advised by dave scott this week, the head honcho. it was really encouraging. we talked about my current classes, and he validated my frustrations and concerns. we talked about classes for the next quarter as well as my whole time here. i only get 8 elective classes!!! how is that possible? there are about 20 that i want to take! that's 8 classes for my concentration and anything else beyond the "core" classes. so next quarter it's 2 core classes and one other, hopefully in the development track. i had wanted to go to lebanon this summer and take 3 classes there, but that's 3 of my 8 classes. i could go and have it count as my practicum, but i wanted to do my practicum elsewhere - somewhere i could see myself living and working full time. a friend mentioned possibly going to morocco, and that would be awesome. but dave was saying that for what i want to do, the lebanon thing makes a lot of sense to do as my practicum, but that i should wait until next year. once the classes offered this summer are posted in the next few weeks, i'll have a better sense of next summer. (and then i should have preferred dates for when you all should come visit!!!!)

all in all, it was a good conversation that helps me plan a track for my next 7 quarters. it'll be interesting to see where it leads!

i woke up today just TIRED. i went to prayer at ruth's, which was great, as usual, but i had to leave early to go to a group meeting for global theology that didn't last very long. i wish i could have stayed at prayer. we were praying for a friend who has been really sick, and so i've been wrestling with that for a few days now. how do i pray for her? what's the appropriate response for her suffering? what is my part in her healing? why hasn't God acted yet? does He really still heal people? what else should we be doing? do i have the faith for it? is my faith required? what part does worship have in prayer? why do i suck at prayer so badly? why is it so hard? why can i not discipline myself better to pray alone? i "do" pretty well when i'm in a group setting, but not so much by myself. what's the deal with that? what do i really believe about prayer in general? what do i really believe about healing in general? how does this affect my relationship with that friend? what is the role of the Bible in prayer? (what is the role of prayer in the Bible?)

so anyway, i FINALLY found the guy in the library that i needed to help me with EndNote. now i need to play with EndNote, now that it's working on my computer, so i know how to use it for paper writing.

i have so much general research i need to do, it's hard to create an attack plan so i know what there is left to do. i also have to write another dumb theology paper. i get SO frustrated with that class! i LOVE the professor, as a person, but NOT as a lecturer for an introductory class. it just doesn't suit him. i still don't even have a real definition of what theology IS, so i don't know what constitutes a theological article (that would be suitable to analyze for my paper due next week) or what isn't. so far i've found several interesting articles that seem "theological", but apparently they aren't. then he mention several articles that don't seem theological at all, but apparently are. i just don't get it. my group mates are trying to help me, and their discussion is helpful, but not so much their suggestions. i mean, i know they mean well, and i know i'm just grumbling a lot, but i guess i don't want them to just hand me articles that will work for the paper, i want to know what to look for when i try to find my own articles. the simple solution is just to use 2 that we are using in class, but i don't understand both articles on a given topic. i usually understand the non-western articles - they are generally more practical, down to earth, and less philosophical. often they are just written more understandably, too.

so i have to go to work tonite. i am NOT looking forward to it. it's so stressful and frustrating. there's just pretty poor communication, and i'm not around enough to get most of the communication, anyway. i feel like i'm constantly putting out fires when i go to work. it's like it's always a hive of crazy activity that i have to dive into for a few hours, but i don't ever really understand what's going on while i'm there. i want to be working toward the greater good and organization of the store, but i don't understand what the goals are or how to get there. so then i feel like an apathetic jerk.

so i'm going hiking this weekend! i'm quite excited! we're going to the bridge to nowhere. back in the 1930's, there was a road up there, but the road has since been washed out. but the bridge remains! some of my friends hiked up there this sunday to bungee jump off it, and they had a blast! i don't plan to bungee anytime soon, but i am excited for the hike. it should be good times and good company. and there's a stream/river that has to be crossed multiple times. woohoo! the downside is that it's supposed to be 95. ugh. not so great weather for a hike. especially in november! someone needs to remind God of that fact!

i lost my cell phone tuesday nite. i went to zephyr's coffee house to hang out and have our Bible study, and i think i left it in one of the chairs or couches. i know i had it when i went inside (there's a large outdoor patio, too), because i was texting matt to let him know the couch opened up if he and hanne wanted to come in to sit there, but then they didn't, so i moved over to the couch. i realized when i got home that i didn't have it, and looked everywhere in the apt. i went down and looked in courtney's car, but no luck. wed am, after i got home from work (read: everything that could go wrong, did, but it was all part of the fun, in a way) i called zephyrs and they didn't have it and didn't find it. courtney said we could go back after class yesterday to look for it. after class, she had a group meeting, and i wanted a nap, so she finished her meeting and i was still asleep, so she left to go study without me. which was fine, in a way, since i wanted to cook a real dinner and i didn't have much studying to do, but i was kind of upset bc i didn't know if courtney knew where to look for my phone. i later emailed my mom and asked if the insurance only covers damaged phones, or lost phones, too. so apparently she called my phone and left a message like "whoever has this phone, the owner would like it back, so please give it back to her." i DIED laughing - who is going to check my voicemail?! and try to figure out what the code is to listen to the voicemail? and how will they know it's my phone? there's not a business card taped on the back or anything. my poor sweet mother!! while courtney was at zephyrs, she was studying with andre, so he tried to help her look for my phone. after courtney left, hanne sat down, and they were all in the room with the couch and chair where i was sitting. so when my mom called, hanne felt it, bc she was sitting in the chair where my phone had slipped down between the cushions! andre told her i was looking for my phone, so hanne called my phone to see if it would ring, if it was indeed mine, and of course it did! so yay! hanne found my phone because my mom called it! great story, eh?

so i made stuffing last nite. not just your run-of-the-mill cornbread stuffing, but the hearty thanksgiving stuff i make - with sausage, apples, celery, parsley, onions, garlic, sour cream, and eggs. YUM. it's normal T-Day fare for me, but i'm going to my sister's for t-day this year, and she and her fam are vegetarians, so the sausage part wouldn't go over so well, and that's what ties it all together. and since it's a meal in itself, i'm excited for my own non-t-day leftovers for the next few days. :-)

a few things have been going on with people in my past (thanks facebook for all the gory details that i can't get enough of), and it's been a bit unsettling. it's shaken my ideas of things that i thought i had down pat, and it's stirred up some emotions i thought i had dealt with. and it's been heartbreaking to hear of failed marriages and bad choices people have made. part of me wants to be really judgemental (what were you thinking getting married that young), part of me wants to praise God from keeping me from the things i thought i wanted (getting married that young), and part of me stands in wonder at the process now. where do we go from here? where do i, personally, go from here? how can i learn from others' mistakes? how can i support my friends in the process? and i use this example, of the several i'm wrestling with, because it's the most open and forthright. the others are more about my responses to other things. in general, i'm a very melancholy, traditional, reminiscent person. i often think of "the good ole days" without remember the pain and frustration of those processes, too. and when i do think of it, i am able to praise God for the depth He's grown in me to be able to (i hope) respond better. to have a better perspective and idea of grace and love and truth that works itself as the foundation of all this stuff.

in the end, i know i'm on a journey. i'm still getting to the point where i can say i'm ok with that fact, that i'm starting to like that it's a process and give myself freedom to mess up sometimes. and i know that every event of my past has been a learning experience, it's made me who i am today. and even the crappy ones have served their purposes, the best ones, too. i still think that my 2nd semester, freshman year, was the best semester of my life. but it could have been a much richer experience, if i had the lessons that i have now. my point is that as awesome as that time was, it wasn't the epitome of life - there's SO much more.

in a way, i feel like i'm entering another season, similar to that one. socially and relationally, i think i am. and spiritually, too, i hope i am. but this time, i won't be as surprised when the bubble bursts. or maybe i'll learn to not make it a bubble to start with, so it won't have to burst, but accept that it won't last forever.

right. so, with that, i take my leave and head to class. pray for me!!
:-D

week 6

2008-11-06T23:23:00.002-05:00

i'm frustrated at the moment at the time zone difference. i was SO excited to talk to shannon last nite, even tho we didn't end our conversation until 130am her time. that's a bit late! adn right now, i'd love to talk to someone out there, but it's already 1130pm, too late to call. (but if you live on the east coast, feel free to call me!)

hanne is coming home with me for Christmas!!!! i'm SO EXCITED!!! she is one of my norwegian friends and i'm so glad she is coming! well, it isn't definite yet, as she hasn't gotten her plane ticket, but it should work out. woohooooooo! i'll be home for about 2.5 weeks, and she'll be there for probably a week. so you all in VA will still see plenty of me!

my "intensive" is almost over. tomorrow is our last class. i still have to write my final paper, but i think it's gonna work out, as long as my topic gets approved. it's been good, but crazy. i won't ever take an intensive on top of 2 regular classes AND work. if i have to do another intensive, i definitely won't work at the same time. physically, i had enough time, but emotionally i was completely exhausted. i still need to figure that one out... i ended up going running, which was a good thing, but i just about had a panic attack before that.

so the class was full of really great material. but i still can't get over that it's not just head knowledge, it affects my heart, too. some of it breaks my heart, some of it challenges me, some of it i need to chew on for a while, and some of it is just overwhelming. there were points i literally could not take in any more information. i cried several times. and i cannot thank God enough for the graces and gifts He has given me.

this has to be one of the best environments for me. i am loving it. i get to recreate myself, in a way. all of the things that i've learned throughout my life, i get to be them now. i get to use everything up to this point as the foundation for what i'm learning now. the only analogies i can think of aren't so useful and break down pretty quickly, so i'll spare you, but it's good. some of the lessons that have been SO hard for me to learn, that i was finally starting to grasp before i left VA, i get to take them as basic truths now. i live out of that reality, i don't have to fight for it to be reality.

prayer this morning was awesome. i haven't been in a situation like that, the way it played out, for a long time. i really really enjoyed it. it was a great lesson for me. God is so good! He spoke to my heart in a few concrete ways, and that was really neat. there's a verse that He gave me while i was in college that i wanted to be true, but i couldn't believe it. it came up again while i was in boot camp, but i still didn't get it, even then. and today it came to mind, and it's true! i'm sure i don't get the fullness of it, but it's still pretty awesome.

there has been something i've been pondering and wrestling with for a few weeks now, and last nite, i decided to give a piece of it up. not the whole thing, mind you, but it just doesn't fit with the future i know God is calling me to. this morning in prayer, one of the guys said that he felt like God was saying that He's proud of us for living our lives in service to Him, and proud of us for making decisions based on that fact. so it was direct confirmation for my heart to give it up. i'm not entirely there, but i KNOW that God only has good for me, and if i give this up, i'm making room for more of His goodness in other ways.

on the flip side, i'm still wrestling with something else that i don't like and i haven't figured it out. and i don't know if i ever will figure it out, but i know i need to let God work things out in my heart. that's hard!

i love how things are coming together here. there's stuff in all 3 of my classes that's relevant in the other 2. there are people that i have multiple connections with (he's in my class, he's your roommate, and she works with him - wow! that's a lot of connections!) it's fun.

i've had 2 "small world" experiences with the same girl! she's from texas, her best friend from high school married the guy that lived across the street from me in high school. then she (my friend here) was in spain for a while, in the same city as my friend who studied there, the friend that i visited on my trip around europe. craziness, huh??? i LOVE it.

generosity of self. that's the name i'm giving something i've been thinking about. i kind of don't like that i'm overstimulated, multi-tasking, constantly busy. sometimes i like it (i don't get as bored), but it's not honest, in one way. when i'm with someone, i want to be ALL there. and when i'm studying, i need to be ALL there. but mostly it has to do with interacting with people. i'm not there, but i'm just starting to think about this. i want to be generous with my whole self. i'm kind of scared that i'm writing this here bc i don't know what i'm saying just yet. scary!

that's my ramblings for today. thanks for tuning in!

exhausted

2008-11-02T18:14:00.002-05:00

so i had the first week of my intensive last week. the material is really good, but i just don't know how to get anything out of it. being in class that much is mentally draining. it's kind of hard, if you have nothing else going on. but 2 classes on top of that is just hard. not to mention throwing in a job, church, a social life.

i'm supposed to write a paper today. i just don't think i can do it.

the class, poverty and development, is emotionally exhausting, too. i want so much to do something more than write a paper about it. i see homeless people around pasadena every day. what do i do? how do i interact with them? how do i apply all this stuff from class into helping them? and how do i not make it sound like i'm some sort of savior who comes with all the answers?

then throw in some conflict at work. i don't know what to say about that one except that i'm constantly analyzing the situation, trying to figure out why i feel the way i do and how to fix the problem. how do i communicate clearly? what is it that i want to communicate? why does it all bug me so much? i'm disgusted at myself that i reacted the way i did, and now i'm over-analyzing and not coming up with clear answers.

then socially, i want to see my friends and hang out. but when i do, i am so tired i can't interact very well, or i leave early, because i'm so tired. which is an awful catch-22.

then there's another friend of mine that doesn't live here that i'm frustrated by. and i'm hurt, that's really it, but how do i tell them? is it worth it?

i did sleep for that extra hour of daylight savings last nite. that was nice. but i'm still internally just as exhausted.

church today was good, as was the "sermon". he touched on some things that i've been thinking about and want to do more thinking and research on, but he left me with more questions than answers. which is fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but i don't have the time or energy to do much study on it anytime soon. and he definitely touched a nerve in me that i want to work out, but i can't.

there's also another head-heart issue that God is working out in me that takes a lot of energy, and i wish it weren't there, but it is. and i would love to sit and think on it and process it and deal with it, but since it's a heart thing, too, it'll take more than just an afternoon of prayer. not that i have time for that now, anyway. and i'm angry with myself that this is such an issue with me right now.

and i really don't know how i'm going to write this paper. i want to do it, but i'm not sure i'm capable. and i want to do really well, for a number of reasons, but i'm so afraid i'll fail. it's SO much information to get in a week, and the paper is comprehensive, so it's good that i have to put it all together to even start to analyze the info for my paper, but man, it's tough! and then applying all this info to another situation - he told us he chose these things to analyze because they all have big holes. but i don't see the holes, so i'm clearly not getting it. but i'm so tired, i just don't care. only i do care, maybe for the wrong reasons. and i just want to throw a book at the wall. and i just want to take a nap. and i want to talk to someone in my class who's writing their paper on the same thing so i can see if i'm going in the right direction. and i just want monday to be over with already.

so the moral of the story is: don't take an intensive on top of 2 other classes, and certainly don't try to work 20 hours a week during it.
and who is God in the midst of this? how do i keep going? what is my source of energy? i've already cried 3 times today - i'm sick of it.

peace.

blogs

2008-10-22T12:36:00.002-04:00

so i've spent a bit of time in the blog world recently, finding some good articles that keep me occupied/entertained in class. most of them have to do with social justice on some level, and since i proclaim that this is something i'm interested in, i figure i'd better learn more about it and *gasp* maybe actually do something.

one blog i've been following (of sorts) is by this guy who does homeless ministry in raleigh. he makes it seem so simple, yet so hard. and it makes me think that this is something i could possibly actually do, even tho it is SO far outside my comfort zone. and that's kind of a hard thing to admit. i actually worked at a homeless shelter for about a year, but i didn't really come into contact with many of the homeless staying there. and when i did, it didn't occur to me to ask them their story. i do remember 2 guys in particular that i became "friends" with, in the sense that i had real conversations with them, and discussed some real things that i know God was working out in them. i've also served dinner at the judeo-christian-outreach center numerous times, tho most of those times were in high school. by the time the groups i was involved in got around to realizing that they're people, and therefore worth engaging, i couldn't be bothered to go down to JCOC anymore. how pathetic of me!

anyway, i've been pretty challenged by love wins.

another place i found, Jesus manifesto, has challenged me tremendously, too. a friend of mine had a poem posted here, i think, and i think that's how i found it. some really creative, subversive stuff! i'm not all that artsy, but i do appreciate how the arts are engaged here. i also really like this list of really practical stuff to do - go figure, right? me liking practical stuff? one that really got me laughing is guerrilla gardening. maybe not so much for va beach, but in more urban areas. i dunno, it could work, tho!

so yeah, check it out!

who cares?!

2008-10-20T14:22:00.003-04:00

i hate this class. i keep thinking "who cares!!!" and i can't seem to get over it. i have to read these 2 articles and make comparisons of the 2, but i don't have sufficient background on the topic to do a good job. and i don't care enough to do the extensive research required to do a good job.

sentences like "Even God's immanence and transcendence are discussed prior to Trinity!" just kill me. who CARES in what order topics are discussed? seriously? there aren't more serious things in the world to discuss and put exclamations on than the order of topics about God are discussed in?! ugh, who cares?! why is this important?!

it's stuff like that - i don't have the background to know what order these things are typically discussed in, or why, so i don't care about this stuff, even tho i'm supposed to. so if someone else does it the "wrong" way, i don't even notice. so much for comparing 2 articles. sometimes i like being an outsider, unconcerned with the (irrelevant) minute details, but sometimes it just gets me into trouble. like i should be reading and trying to understand the rest of that article so i can at least attempt to write this paper right now, instead of writing this post.

on a side note (why don't i continue, since i'm already here and i already hate that class and that paper, so why not put it off another 10 minutes), i had a great weekend. well, sunday, in particular. i found a church that i think i'm really going to enjoy. and even if i don't always enjoy it, i think i'll learn a lot from them and grow in new ways. the people i've met are pretty awesome, and i love that it's a fairly diverse group that i've put myself in. a bunch of us went to lunch after church, and as i was looking around at the end as we all just stood around, i was the only american! it was so great!!! there were 4 norweigians, a peruvian, a south korean, and 2 french(wo)men. so fun!

after returning home and checking email, i studied in the study lounge a bit until ruth convinced me to go to the apple store with her. yup, we walked to the apple store here in pasadena. jealous yet? so when we got back, i studied a bit more before she told me she and a few others were meeting to pray. how could i say no to that?! we talked and prayed for over 2 hours and it was so great. i really enjoyed it, even tho i was exhausted by the end and went home and went to bed. i have a lot to learn from them.

so when i said "studied", i meant tried to study. there was a group of kids outside the study lounge that were having fun killing a bug, so i watched them a while and laughed. so i read about 15 pages the first "study" time, and then another 12 pages before we prayed. whoops. so much for being productive! i really need to work on that, while i'm supposed to be doing work. i don't mind setting aside the studying to help out a friend or pray, but i need to be more productive in the times i do set aside for work. like right now. so i guess that's my que.

a tough week

2008-10-18T22:37:00.003-04:00

man, this week has been rough. in so many ways, most of which i will only exacerbate if i expound on them. my work schedule created some less than ideal sleep hours, which of course only made my emotions even more unstable, and i wasn't able to concentrate as well as i would have liked.

at any rate, the worst is behind me and i'm learning to give up the past and press forward in my assignments and readings.

i'm still working on the balance of academia vs work vs my walk with Jesus. it's so weird to me that Jesus is meeting my studies. i'm learning to pray through my work, to pray for wisdom in classes, to allow the materials in my readings and lectures to affect my heart and beliefs. sometimes this has been a wonderful breath of fresh air, sometimes a gust of wind that knocks me off my feet. but in every situation, the Holy Spirit is transforming me, if i let Him. so it's all an interesting transition.

i bought a book this week, "from seed to fruit: global trends, fruitful practices, and emerging issues among muslims." oh man, i just read the introduction and i got the shivers. it's awesome stuff. some of the chapters are very pertinent to my studies this quarter.

my biggest frustration this week came from my global theology class. i did get a little clarity this week on our group project, and i think this book might help! so even tho i hate the class at times, i'm excited to research something i have an interest in.

i have a language partner, too! actually, two of them, paul and becky, from taiwan. we meet once a week for an hour or two and just talk. it's so fun to get to know them! i really enjoy answering their questions and helping them with their English. they are both so sweet and joyful, i usually laugh and grin the whole time i'm with them. they had me over for lunch today, and it was good times. i love them!

in the back of the bookstore is a bunch of stuff from all over the world. it's all free trade crafts that support grassroots organizations who work with the poor and marginalized people in underdeveloped areas. man, i buy something every time i go back there! it's all very reasonably priced, i'm supporting a great cause, i get to look at and buy really neat things from all over the world, and it's just so fun! i usually start looking for something that's a gift for someone, then find a lot more for me, and something for someone else, but not the original person. but it's fun like that. my favorite thing so far has been these glass balls. they are clear glass, the size of an orange, maybe, and have a top like a Christmas ornament. but they're a little heavy to try to hang on a Christmas tree. the glass has color rings that look like they're sliding down the sides, in different sizes and colors, usually like a bullseye of 2 colors. the background is clear, but the whole thing has cracks in it that make it look almost frosted. it looks like it could be murano glass in some ways, but they're made in india. the first time i saw them, i bought all 3 that were on the shelf. when i went back yesterday, there were 2 more, so i bought one of them. i'm SO tempted to go back and get the other, and maybe even more if they put them out. they're so reasonably priced and just so beautiful. amazing. now if only i can figure out a cool way to display them!