shtuff.

i really hate being a girl sometimes. i sometimes feel i could do so much more of what i want to do if i were only a guy. don't worry, i won't be undergoing any sex change operations or anything. just my thoughts.

i am liking my french class now. i need to do more work for it, but the last class we had was good. i was feeling frustrated by the cultural aspects of it for a while, but, at least today, i'm ok with it.

i am thinking again about doing a triathlon. i don't know if i can pull it off or not, but at least now i have a bike to train on. i need to exercise regularly again, and unless i have a goal (and a deadline like a triathlon), i have a hard time motivating myself.

i also think i am going to take a road trip to new england in august. i am thinking stay in boston with friends a few nights, and go out to cape cod for the day one day, go up to acadia np and camp and hike and possibly kayak up there, then head inland to new hampshire or vermont maybe. i'd spend a couple days there, and possibly continue on to visit some people i met in morocco where they live in montreal. and practice my french. ;-) all in all, i think i will be gone at least a week, possibly 10 days.

some friends and i are looking for an apartment. i have no idea if it will actually work out (i have some different ideas about what i want, as well as price range and location), not to mention i don't really have the finances. i figured it out that i will have to work 30 hrs a week for 13 months to pay off my debt. ugh.

i chatted tonite with one of my coworkers when we left the store. that was the first time i've ever closed, and i get to do it again next saturday nite. it was a pretty crazy day... one of my coworkers never showed up, so we were short staffed for a good chunk of the day. i didn't really notice it, but usually we close at 930 and are out by 10, tonite it was 1040. then we talked for 20 min. it was good... i feel like i'm actually becoming friends with some of my coworkers. part of the slowness of that (i've been there over 2 months) is that they aren't my life... some of them only know people they work with, i have other friends outside of work.

at any rate, i think i am showing Jesus to them, at least sometimes. well, i thought about it for the first time tonite, that i think i am "succeeding" in that. i often complain as much as they do, and i don't talk about church much, and i'll get mad and cuss and get frustrated with customers as much as any. but i find that i'm kind, and quick to give grace and not get as impatient as i am sometimes tempted to. and i am occasionally generous. like tonite i gave away a lean pocket. i really don't mean to write this out to toot my own horn, but to encourage myself.

i really do want to be different and not conformed to the pattern of this world. i really do want to be Jesus to people, and love them unconditionally. but i suck at it, and i am at a point where i actually want to be different than those around me, both non-Christian and Christians. we, as Christians, often suck at our job. i don't want to hide behind the lower expectations of american Christianity. i don't want to be stuck in the "norm" of anything that is american cultural Christianity and not really in the Bible. and i know i'm raising plenty of eyebrows doing it. like sunday morning church. nowhere in the Bible does it say we have to go to a big building with lots of people we don't know and some we do and sit for 45 min, after singing songs for half an hour. and sometimes we sit in another class and get taught stuff by smart people for another 45 min. then we will go out to eat with friends or go home and read the paper. it's just become what is expected for american Christians to do. but i don't want to do it just because people might look at me funny if i don't. and i certainly don't want to go overseas and instill this silliness into other new believers just because it's what i grew up doing. don't get me wrong, there is often a huge benefit to doing things this way, and it certainly isn't unBiblical, i just don't think it is Biblical, either. some aspects of it are, but the sunday morning church experience as a whole isn't. just what i've been mulling for a while.

so... the luau last weekend was awesome. everyone who i talked to about it afterwards said they had a great time and enjoyed themselves. it's a pity i didn't enjoy myself more. i'm such a "quality time" person, i had a hard time playing the social butterfly/good hostess routine. i don't think i'll throw another "big" party like that for a long while.

um, i think that's it for now. ciao! er, au revoir!

shriveled.

that's how i feel. i thought tonite, for the first time in a long while, about what it would feel like to be in a place where i feel completely at peace, delighting in knowing that i am doing something i was MADE to do. i don't even think about it as a possibility anymore, so i haven't thought about it in a long, long time. my heart is shriveling and dying a slow, painful death.

i used to have "the morocco job" as a far distant hope, almost a treat dangling from a fishing pole above my head. it kept me going and motivated, in a way, at least letting me think, "well, i can keep going right now because i know that by january, there's a decent chance i'll be out of this place, doing something i want to do, and was at least partly fulfills the i-was-made-to-do-this category." but that hope has crashed and burned with the fateful interview last week.

i was talking with 2 people that are in similar situations to me tonite. one of them is in a healthy enough place to think that she feels like joseph - she feels like all of her odd job experiences and hard things she is going thru are like joseph in jail, learning things that somehow all came together to be 2nd in command of all of egypt. the thought of having to be in a place like this, living at home, for even another year is enough to make me want to vomit, or worse. i can't imagine being here for 30 years. i just can't do it. i would walk away entirely and move far away first.

i know that until i adopt a better attitude i will just be miserable, and it's my own fault. but things suck and i have no hope of them changing anytime soon. so in the meantime, i'm just glad i'm keeping relatively busy so i don't have to be alone with my thoughts and boredom.

in all honesty, working at starbucks is a godsend. but it just isn't enough. financially, relationally, or my-place-in-life-ally. i could still be subbing full time. ugh. but then i wouldn't be so far in the hole still.

better.

i'm feeling a bit better today. a nice long chat at girls' night helped that... it was great to take my mind off of things, and just have a couple people listen as i verbally processed. i feel like all, or at least most, of my relationships have been pretty bad recently. i've just had no patience (no, really?!) for the issues and people that bug me most. i know i need to change that, and i am so grateful for all of my friends that have put up with my mood swings and bitchiness in the last several months. you guys are great. and thanks for your prayers. i still need them.

no job in morocco....

after 3 questions, my 2 interviewers ascertained that i don't have enough independent travel experience to justify giving me a job, so they ended the interview early. they did encourage me to "get out there" and travel a lot more on my own, not in groups or with friends, and then re-apply.

so now excuse me while i cry, and pray that my broken heart and dead dreams won't kill me.

now i'm really not sure, at all, what i should even consider for plans for the future, or what dreams to have.

tonight was my first french class. but now that i clearly don't have any hope of returning to morocco, or really, any french-speaking, or even foreign country, i don't know if it is worth the $500 i paid. my only goal now is to get out of debt so that i can save enough money to travel again.

my mom just pointed out that we prayed that God's will would be done, so this is clearly not His will, but that is no consolation at this point.

but thanks anyways.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TO BE A TOUR GUIDE IN MOROCCO!!!!!!!!!!! it will be one day next week, via phone (the head office is in melbourne, australia). PRAY FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, i am so excited! they are currently hiring for leaders in morocco, with training to start in late july in egypt. if i get hired. i don't know if this is a preliminary interview or what, but I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!