Hope I

I have been thinking a lot about hope recently, as a concept. I feel like there might be some deeper lessons in this, so I am planning to revisit it in the future. For now, a story.

Several years ago, my life felt like it ended. What I had been working toward for months, years, or possibly even my life had abruptly ended. At least, that's how it felt to me. My life had been building up to this one thing, and it had been taken away from me. I was completely crushed, and I didn't know where to turn. I literally had no idea what else to so with my life, and I was completely devastated.

In my agony and pain, I wanted to express on the outside what I felt on the inside, even if it was a bit dramatic. So during a worship set led by some of my favorite worship leaders ever, I found myself in the back of the room, on my knees, bawling my eyes out. I was in agony, crying out to the Lord, without a hope in the world.

In my mind's eye, a scene flashed before me. A middle-aged woman with brown skin and long dark hair, dressed in a beautiful sari, was in the middle of a crowd. She had flung her body over a rectangular wooden box: the casket of her son, the pride of her life. She wept sobs that wracked her body, mourning his death as her own.

In an instant, I felt the Lord gently ask me, "Why are you crying? This woman has no hope. You at least have hope."

God wasn't being rude or a jerk about it, but he did have a point. Even though it felt like my life was over, I still had a lot to live for. Even though I had no idea what to do with my life, I still had hope. I still had Jesus.

song lyrics

The J Band - Take Our Turn lyrics

Looking down a young man's seen
Waltzing once past everything
He takes a knee and pray
A father trains his king to be
It's the night that he runs free
He walks along castle walls
And looks upon, did he give up it all

Hey, we lay our burdens down,
Lord we burn 'em to the ground
Hey, we'll take our turn and die
For our souls to come to life

He found himself in foreign land
No one else with him to stand
But the mad man, the drunkard, and he
Together they went traveling on,
Singin' "Friends, we have become."
He turns to the call
Oh, he gave up it all

Hey, we lay our burdens down,
Lord, we burn 'em to the ground
Hey, we'll take our turn and die
For our souls to come alive

He remembers this one time when he
Saw a small child,
For one moment give one, one small smile
He thought that maybe,
That maybe the smile was meant for him
That the smile was meant for him

Hey, we lay our burdens down,
Lord, we burn 'em to the ground
Hey, we take our turn and die
For our souls to come to life

10 days later

The boredom has set in. But not for long! I'm going on a road trip!

I'm leaving Monday for a 5-day road trip with my friend Julie from Pasadena, CA to Gallatin, TN (outside Nashville). She is moving back to her hometown, and I am along for the ride! We plan to travel in at least 10 states (maybe 11 depending on which route we take), see friends in Colorado, and visit at least 2 National Parks, probably 3 and maybe even 4. I. Am. Excited!

So in the meantime, I am thinking and praying and pondering my next steps. At the end of the day, it comes down to what do I WANT to do next? Cos if I don't want to do it, I won't put much energy into it. So what do I want to do? What am I passionate about? Where do I want to be in 10 years? Ah, the possibilities.

Pray for me!

joy. peace. love.

I have never been happier.

I love my life. My heart overflows with love, joy, and peace. I cannot explain it in any way, other than to say that God is good, and his love is magnificent.

My way of life is not financially viable in the long run, but for now, taking it one day at a time has been awesome. Every day, I feel like I am playing a game: "What will God do today that will bless my socks off?"

Seriously, every day for weeks now, something has happened that has been a gift, an encouragement, or an affirmation. I can't explain it, but I KNOW that my God is taking care of me. He always has and he always will.

I don't know where I'm going next, but for now, I am content to love on my friends and let them love on me. I have time to notice the small things and to enjoy them. I have the time to volunteer my time and energy for others, to help friends or to help strangers. I am not so overwhelmed all the time that I'm constantly looking forward to whatever the next thing is on my agenda. I can BE wherever I am. I now have the gift of presence to give.

There are times that I am bored out of my mind, or worried about how I will pay my loans back in 6 short months. But the joy of living my life now far outweighs them.

Psalm 138, a la Dianne
I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods of materialism, anxiety and success I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
On the day I called, and not a minute later, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.
All the kings and leaders and powers and prime ministers of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they (will) have heard the words of your mouth,
and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
For great is the glory of the Lord!
For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly, the broken-hearted, the refugees, the victims, the oppressed.
But the haughty, the proud, the self-important he knows from afar.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, unemployment, and lack of direction,
you preserve my life and bless it tremendously;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me with tenderness and compassion.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever!
Do not forsake me, the work of your hands.

job searching

So, perhaps this will be a blog about my job searching process. Or maybe not, because future employers might check up on it. Hmmmm...

So several thoughts.

1. Hope is essential. Without vision the people perish, and hope deferred makes the heart sick. But God has been good to me. He is gracious and compassionate, and I am so grateful.
I found out Monday that I didn't get the Colorado job. It hurt, but not because the job was a dream job, but because it was something. It was a path to follow, to learn in, and to grow in. It gave me a direction and an opportunity to start over and reinvent myself to some extent. That's what I'm mourning the loss of, more than the loss of a possible job.
But alongside that, is the idea that I've got some major school loans that aren't going to repay themselves. I can eek out a survival for a few months, but that's essentially how long it would be to actually start working a job that I'm applying for right now, anyway.
So Tuesday, a friend called me out of the blue and reminded me of an opportunity to earn a little cash this weekend by helping out a professor. It's not much, but every bit helps when you're unemployed. And I love the couple that needs help, so I look forward to the opportunity to chat with them a bit. She also told me that she's part of a group that needs childcare helpers one morning a week, for $10/hr. Again, not much, but something.
Today, my sister sent me an email about a paid fellowship to work under the director of a major non-profit. It's again, not a dream job, but would be an excellent learning experience and it's paid! It's honestly the kind of learning experience that I wish Fuller had offered to me as a student. So that position, coupled with my recently earned Master's degree, could actually be an ideal launching pad for whatever's next.

2. I had a mentor who constantly told me not to self-edit when job searching. He said that companies dream up the ideal applicant, but are willing to accept someone who meets maybe 80% of the qualifications listed on their posting. Therefore, I should apply for jobs in which I don't meet the minimum requirements. Let them edit me out, I should always apply.
So what happens when I'm a perfect fit for the job description, where I do meet 100% of the qualifications, but I still don't get chosen? It's got to be something more at that point.

3. I've spent at least 8 hours in the past few days looking online for jobs to apply for. Of the positions that are in non-profit, 75% of them are "development", as in fund-raising. That's an area I have no experience in, and I don't do it well. I'm not a very convincing person, and I don't want to in any way manipulate people into doing something they don't want to do, ie give money to my organization. Especially if it's not a cause I don't have a huge passion for. There are many great causes out there, and I respect them, but personally, I can't in good conscience try to convince people to give them money. At least not if that's 90% of my job. I'd be willing to try of it's only 10% of my job description.
The next 10% of jobs that I've found that look interesting are "unpaid internships" or "volunteer positions". AKA, they don't pay a dime. Which, as we discussed under #1, is not an option with student loans hanging over my head. Which is quite unfortunate for me and the organization, because a lot of them are jobs that I would do very well in.
Then 10% are positions that require 10-15 years technical experience. They are generally for positions like "executive director" or "program manager", positions that I really am not qualified for, even though they look very interesting and, to some extent, feel like I could do.