Monday, July 23, 2007

God has been gracious...

i feel like the Holy Spirit has been good to tell me stuff before it happens. not so much in a fortune-telling way, but in a "this is a possibility i must deal with emotionally" kind of way. i can think of 2 instances recently where it has been good to think things through the day before they became realities. it's good that i don't have to freak out in front of people that way. ;-) in college, i had a friend who would dream about things in much the same way.

i have a french test today. i am delaying studying for it by writing here. eek.

i went camping this weekend! finally! neal and i decided we were going to go and invited anyone who wanted to come along. we had 14!! only 9 stayed the night, and 4 of those were a surprise, but it was good fun. the hot dogs and s'mores were awesome, canoing was fun, and the weather couldn't have been better. yay!!

i'm leaving next week for new england/montreal! as it turns out, i'll be going by myself, so plans may change... i'm not sure if montreal really will be on my itinerary or not. i'm not sure if i can afford an almost 2-week trip on my own. but i'm so excited!!

yup, still avoiding french. ugh.

i realized the other day how much i really do enjoy my job. i thought business was going down and getting slower, but as it turns out, i'm getting better!! when we're busy, it doesn't seem like it, and it doesn't stress me out anymore. and it's more fun as i get to know my coworkers better, too. one of our regulars asked me if i'm always in a good mood, and i thought about it - i just like what i do. some days it stinks. and i get tired of opening, but it's all good in the. it turns out i'm working 38 hrs this week, so we'll see if i still say the same thing by saturday afternoon! (i usually work 25-30).

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

slight breakthru...

so i haven't been posting for a while. that's mostly because i didn't want people to know specifics of things going on, bc i'm sure i would have offended many. so i operated under the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" maxim for once. plus there were a couple things that i just don't want to tell the world at large.

ok, on to the breakthrough. i was at crosscurrent community group tonite, and i don't even remember what the whole point we were discussing was. actually, i think it was something like, how do we share Christ in a relevant way. part of the process was taking a look at what life was originally like before the fall, what the effects of sin were, and then what the gospel accomplished. the conclusion i came to based on what was discussed (which is by no means theologically complete) was that the gospel is basically all about restoring relationship with God, with each other, and with ourselves. and this gospel is both our reason and means by which we love people. we love people because of the gospel. we are able to love people because of the gospel.

ok, so one of the verses we mentioned in our discussion was matt 5:43-48. and one girl brought up the preceding verses and shared her perspective, so here is matt 5:38-48(NIV).

38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor[h] and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies[i] and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

ok, so the girl was saying that 38-42 are really about love. that in that culture and time, being slapped on the right cheek, being sued, and carrying a roman soldier's equipment for a mile were all insults. it wasn't just a dispute. but Jesus was saying that we should love people so much that even the greatest insults shouldn't hinder our love for them. they have so much worth that even when they do their worst to us, they are still worthy of our love, our time, our attention.

so in my life, it isn't so much others' insults to me, but simply my losing patience with them. there are many ways that people "push my buttons" and i lose patience with them. some of them are personality traits that annoy me, sometimes we have little in common and i get bored with what they are talking about, sometimes they behave differently than i think they should.

back to the topic at hand: how dare i get annoyed after listening to someone talk about their passion for 30 min simply because i have absolutely zero interest in what they're talking about. listening to them and looking for ways to learning from them and showing them i care about them by being interested in what they are interested in is the bottom line. that is how a majority of my generation in this culture feels loved and knows they are worth my time and attention. and the right to share any of the gospel message has to be earned. it usually doesn't work to go around and just hand out tracts. people are hungry for relationship. real, authentic relationship. the kind with unconditional love and acceptance. with honesty with gentleness. thru thick and thin. a selfless love. like the kind Jesus has for us. like the kind He proved he had for us by dying for us. "Jesus died for our sins" seems so cliche to me, but it has become slightly clearer to me how big His love really is. i'm not willing to give up 30 min of my time to listen to someone ramble on about video games. but He died. and an excruciatingly painful death at that. hmmm, that's even where we get that word: excruciating, crucifixion.

i've known for a while how utterly selfish i am, and have become in the past year and a half, but i didn't care. i counted it as my right, my wall to hide behind when giving up myself, my dreams seemed too painful. and that hasn't changed, but i have realized how wrong i am. and i don't think this will be an overnight change. and my heart has to change a LOT more. but at least i'm willing for it to change, and asking for it, not avoiding it, hiding in my selfishness.

i know it won't be easy to love on someone and listen to them and not be annoyed when they are who they are, or even if they are violently attacking me. but at least at the moment, i am able to see that they have worth and are worthy of my time.

if i actually start to live this out, i think it will be more than a "slight" breakthru. but for now, since this is all still fresh in my heart and hasn't been challenged yet, and i haven't had to give up anything yet, it's simply a possible turning point. but now that i've written it here, it's a little more real, and i'm sure i'll be held to it.


i've been thinking for the past few weeks, mostly in passing, about a book we read in boot camp entitled "have we no rights?" it's basically saying that we don't. i should go back and reread it and be challenged by it once again.

i've also been wrestling with the idea of "boundaries". i know they are desperately needed in some situations with some people, but it didn't seem altogether Biblical, either. especially in light of "have we no rights?" i've heard it said, and i think i agree that Jesus was taken advantage of. and if having boundaries is about protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of, then how is that Christ-like? i think this is my answer: it is only possible to love this crazy love of turning the other cheek if it is completely settled in my heart how much i am worth. if i am confident of God's love for me and my position in His kingdom, then nothing can shake that, and no one is really "taking advantage" of me. i am loving him by giving up my rights. i know that this is not completely a blanket statement for all situations, and it doesn't work all the time. saying "no" is sometimes the best way to love someone, by forcing them to become responsible for the situation when it was their responsibility to begin with. and by choosing to love, i am in control of the situation, not "allowing" myself to be manipulated, but rather "choosing" to be. i guess part of the difference is that Christ knew people's hearts. He not only was perfect, He had a complete understanding of every situation and person involved. He knew immediately how to best love someone and knew that sometimes meant being taken advantage of. i think. part of my thought process on this whole thing is knowing that i sometimes use "boundaries" as an excuse to be selfish. and i didn't know what to do about it, or what the truth really is/was in the whole situation.

any comments/thoughts?