Monday, October 29, 2007

life is confusing.

so for the sake of not offending anyone, i will try not to offend anyone. :-P

so i am involved with (or attempting to be involved with) 5 things (meetings/ministries/organizations).
A my heart hasn't been into much recently. it's really probably good for me, even tho it's hard. i was leaning toward backing out gracefully until i read an article that was very convicting. plus there could be major repercussions later if i did leave it.
B is closer to what my heart wants, tho i have been slow to really get involved. and it still isn't that great, but in so many ways is better than other options. until the message was presented that A and B should be mutually exclusive.
C is very much my heart, even tho it would require some stretching and discipline. i haven't really joined this one yet, as i've not been able to get to it yet. until this week when i tried to go, but was told the wrong information and basically had an anxiety attack about the unfolding situation. so embarrassing. i didn't ever make it to C. and C limits my involvement with B, but not A. so was this roadblock that i'm not supposed to be there? or that i am, but i have to fight for it?
then there's D. D is part of B, sort of. D is an invitation-only sort of thing that i haven't actually been to yet. not that i'm not/wasn't welcome, but for other reasons wasn't invited by those who host D. i was invited a few times by those on the fringes but politely declined. so this week, when i was invited again, i got up the nerve and decided to go. only when i tried to contact the one who invited me to get directions, her phone was on silent and i didn't get the info on time. thwarted again. and incredibly disappointed.
and E is similar to D, but different in a few key ways. but it has become difficult in the last few months and possibly will change in a lot of ways or even cease to exist.

so all of these things leave me wondering what it is i'm supposed to do. what am i supposed to be involved in? what am i supposed to give up? are A and B mutually really mutually exclusive? is it possible to do A, B, and C? am i setting myself up for heartache with D? should i invest more in E? or is this just where the rubber meets the road?

in all honesty, these things are made even more confusing by my trip to TX/OK last weekend. i enjoyed it waaay too much. it was the perfect mix of quality time with people i love (i felt INCREDIBLY loved and appreciated) and rest. not that it would be like that if i lived there, but it was so refreshing and i did have a close circle of friends when i was in college that i miss terribly. it just made me realize that what i have here could be so much better, or at least my life and all these things have been better in the past. my trip made me realize what i'm missing out on, in a way. or possibly i should just look back and be thankful but not expect it ever to be anything like that ever again.

so i'm confused. and hurt and frustrated and i don't know what to do.

Monday, October 15, 2007

camping...

so camping turned out NOTHING like i thought it would with the last post. but it was awesome and i am so glad! my original plans all fell thru, so i ended up going to pilot mountain state park, just north of winston-salem, NC. i met up with elizabeth, one of my "boot camp" roommates at HGM. she and her friend karis drove up from charlotte, made their way into the campground friday night, and i got there later, around 830pm.

when i pulled up to what i thought was the campground entrance, the gate was down, and a sign said the park is closed 7pm-8am. interesting, i thought. i must have the wrong entrance. i called elizabeth, and she didn't answer. so i drove up the road to the next town and stopped at a gas station to ask if they knew how to get to the campground. they didn't have a clue. so i decided that since the park is only about 3 miles by 3 miles, i would drive around it on all the back roads (in the dark rolling hills) to try to find the campground entrance. i had looked at the map of the park online a few days prior, but i didn't print it off, and all i had with my was my rand mcnally nationwide road atlas. big help. so i drove around for about an hour, making a perimeter of the park, and i didn't see another entrance at all. and elizabeth didn't call me back. when i get back to the town i started in, i call elizabeth again, leave her another voice mail, and weigh my options.

i decide to go back to the entrance to see if she's there waiting (maybe she forgot her phone?), or maybe there's a sign or something that can tell me how to get to the campground that i missed before.

i drive up to the entrance and a park ranger is standing next to his truck, blocking the road, talking to people who look like they're getting stuff out of their car. i ask him if this is the road to the campground. (imagine all of this lines with a nice country accent.)
"yes, ma'am, but the park closed at 7pm."
"even for the campground?!"
"yes, ma'am. i wish people would call to find out this information, it's posted on the park website. no one can come in or leave the park after it's closed."
"well, i'm supposed to meet my friend here. is there cell phone reception in the campground?"
"yes, ma'am, there is."
"hmmm. well, is there a way to find out if my friends are already here?"
"i'm not supposed to give out that kind of information."
"so would you be able to tell me if an elizabeth marx had registered?"
"how do you spell that last name?"
"M-A-R-X."
"now, i know i didn't register that name."
"so i can't camp here tonite? what do you suggest i do?"
"find somewhere else to stay the night."

by now i'm starting to freak out, but realize i at least have all my stuff with me, and could just park somewhere and sleep in my car if it came down to it. just then, elizabeth calls.

"hey, you made it! we're in the park, so come join us."
"well, the gate is closed and the park ranger is here. there is NO WAY he is going to let me in."
"oh, yeah, the gate was down when we arrived, too, but there were some people on the other side who offered to give us a lift up to the campground in their truck. so i just parked my car and came on up. could you just ask him if you can walk in? it's about a mile, but it's not too hard."

so i tell the ranger my friends are actually here and ask if i can walk in. he says, "no, ma'am, no one enters or leaves the campground after 7pm. that's the rule, and i am the superintendent of this park, and if i let you in, i have to let all these others in." (another car had pulled up and tried to get in and he turned them away.) "this other group is in the same situation, only there's alcohol involved with this group." (he points to the group who is actually loading their car, not unloading as i thought.) "there's another campground up at the next exit, and they usually don't close their gate until later. you could probably stay there."

i go back to elizabeth and tell her. she says, "well, you're not going to stay there by yourself. we'll come out and go camp there with you. but we've set up camp already, so it will take us at least 45 min to pack it all back up and hike back down to the entrance. ask him if there's another ranger or someone who can pick us up and help us carry our stuff back down to the gate."

so i talk to the ranger. "well, don't they have their car?"
"no, their car is down here."
"you mean to tell me they entered my park illegally after the park had closed?! oh, no! they are hauling all of their stuff back down here to this gate! i could give them a citation for trespassing in a state park! you tell them that if they don't get their stuff together and come down here, i will give them a citation. i'll be coming back up to the campground in just a little bit and will be kicking out everyone else with a car parked down here."

i report back to elizabeth. she asks to speak to the ranger. he says, "well, i'm just going to tell her the same thing i just told you," but he gets on the phone anyway. elizabeth apologizes and tells him she didn't realize that she was trespassing and they they are trying to comply with the park rules. he hands the phone back to me. he says, "i don't mean to be mean. i don't want to have to write citations, but the rules are there for a reason. i intend to keep this campground quiet for all those who are here legally so they can enjoy their evening in peace. i can't do that if people are coming and going at all hours of the night. i just want people to follow the rules."

by this time elizabeth is laughing. i pull off to the side and talk to her out of earshot of the ranger. we decide that i should just go on to the other campground and see if we can camp there and go ahead and set up camp. she and karis will hike down to their car and meet me there in 45 min. so i find the other place, find a site, and make friends with the neighbors. another couple of guys come over and say they intended to stay at the park, too, but were turned away. later that night, i meet 2 girls in the bathhouse who were part of the "alcohol" group. their whole group was kicked out, but they didn't get citations.

so we had a noisier evening and found out a band was going to play a concert at 11am saturday. the couple next to us had come here 10 years ago for a concert and were excited to come back for another concert. and cars and trucks drove by all night. the humor of the situation was just astounding.

the next morning, we broke camp and went back to the state park. we met christina, her husband ryan, their french exchange student aurelie, and their dog buddy at the office where we intended to check in. the same ranger was there loading the coke machine. as elizabeth asked him if we checked in here for camping, he said, "i remember that voice!" and we all laughed. he told her that we should just pick a site and he'd be by to register us around dinner time. i had been looking at a map, and then looked up and joined the conversation. he said, "i remember you, too! you have such an honest face, you were in the white car!" and we all laughed again.

so we set up camp, then took off hiking. we went up the mountain on one trail, made some pbj's at the car park near the summit, went over to the lookout (where buddy made a LOT of friends) and then decided to hike down the long way. it was pretty cool - lots of rock climbers making use of the great weather. on the trail down, we passed just a few other people. after a while, ryan said he was hungry, so i passed him my bag of trail mix. he then tripped and had no hands to catch himself, so he just splayed out in the leaves, having dropped half the bag of trial mix right in the middle of the trail. he just lay there in the leaves a few minutes and said, "this is pretty comfortable!" thankfully he was fine, and so was the trailmix. we all squatted down and started eating it off the ground, brushing off the dirt and leaving part for the animals. gives a whole new meaning to "trail mix"!

the whole loop was about 7 miles and took us about 5 hours, including stops. we got back to camp, enjoyed sitting for a while, and made dinner. we built a fire and roasted marshmallows. christina, ryan, aurelie and buddy made sure to leave the park by 7pm to head back home.

sunday we lounged around for a bit and headed out by noon. elizabeth, karis and i stopped for lunch at steak'n'shake (YUM!! we don't have those here!) before parting ways. i also got to stop in durham and hang out with laura for a bit before getting to portsmouth in time for mary and jonathan's bday party. good times!!!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

it's been a while...

i don't know if anyone ever reads this, sorry if you do!

lots of things going on in my head and heart, but not much i'm willing to make public.

i really enjoy the bux these days. i was really annoyed to have to work all 7 days this week to make my 39.5 hrs, but i'm glad i got the hours! and it wasn't planned that way, i covered a couple shifts for others. which gives me bonus points with the boss!

i'm going camping next weekend! so excited! it will be interesting to see who goes and what happens, but i am excited, fo sho!

the next weekend i'm going to oklahoma and texas. (so it's a good thing i worked so many hours this week as i'll miss out on some hours while i'm away.) amanda is getting married!! and i get to see my sister's new house and hopefully a lot of old friends. it will be a bit difficult as i won't have a car and i'll have to arrange rides everywhere. but i think it will work out.

my sister and husband are coming here for thanksgiving, but not christmas. my other sister won't make it at all this year. and grandmother will be here for 3 weeks at Christmas.

in other, longer term plans, i am thinking/planning on grad school next year... i've found a program that interests me... a master's in crosscultural studies at fuller, coupled with a master's in TESOL (teaching english to speakers of other languages) from biola. if i study full time (incl summers), it's possible to finish 2 master's in 3 years. we'll see if that happens. it will be tough, tho.

and i want to take the 2nd quarter off (the winter quarter) to go to latin america. my ideal would be to spend a month in guatemala learning spanish, a month with the killingsworths in nicaragua, and then a month travelling peru and chile. i'd love to hike part of the inca trail, see machu picchu, lake titicaca, the atacama desert, santiago, the lakes district, torres del paine, the glaciers and tierra del fuego. yup, it's a lot. we'll see if it works. but it's more than a year away, and a lot can (and will!) happen, but as of now, that's my dream. anyone want to come? ;-)