short update

i've been thinking about blogging for a few days now, but i can't get my thoughts in order. writing definitely helps, but with the number of pages that need to be written in the coming weeks, i think i'd better save my best for them.

there is a wildfire burning just to the north of me. so far it has consumed over 105,000 acres. that's 164 square miles. it's big. my favorite professor's neighborhood was evacuated, but his house was just out of the evacuation zone. thankfully, the fires were kept out of his town and he and his neighbors are all fine. as i write this, mt wilson, the historic observatory that overlooks los angeles, is in danger. the fire is approaching from 2 directions, and it has been deemed too unsafe for the fire crews to maintain a physical presence there. the fire is mainly fuel-driven, which is better than wind-driven. but it's still more than a week away from being contained, so who knows how much will really burn.

all of that to say it is a weird thing to watch. from my balcony, i can see the fires glowing red at night. the smoke is unbearable at times, but thankfully most of it is being blown north of here, out of the los angeles basin. it's strange, this fire. it's so amazingly beautiful, as mesmerizing as a campfire but on a much grander scale. but it's also a bit like watching a tornado - amazing in its power and wrath, but you hope it doesn't go near any civilization.

i'm looking forward to writing some of my papers. other, not as much. we'll see what actually gets written in the next few weeks. i had one paper due tomorrow, but i decided to take the option that requires one long paper (due later) instead of 2 shorter ones (one of which is due tomorrow). i'm probably making the wrong choice and giving myself an excuse to put the work off even longer, but we'll see. it's for my prophets class. i'm going to be looking at fasting in the prophetic books - what fasting meant to different characters, what isaiah meant in ch 58, what purpose it served, and the spirituality of it. i'm looking forward to it, but not to writing the long essay that is now required (5000 word minimum, approx 20 pages!). ah, well.

#222

i have no words.

i talk a lot because i dance around some concept that i can't explain.

i have no words to describe the deepest longings of my heart, the impressions that certain lectures leave with me, the delights of an honest conversation. i have no words for these things that mean more to me than words themselves.

i find myself in conversations where i've long since lost the interest of the person dutifully listening, where i keep talking around some idea that i simply cannot find the words to express. sometimes i can get enough across to make sense of what i'm thinking and feeling. other times i simply frustrate myself and bore the other person.

one class i took this summer was "advocating for social justice". i feel completely at odds with the class. i hated taking it, it was quite a downer. there were definitely some good points, i'm sure i learned more than i think i did. but it was really hard. it was kind of like asking "what's the single greatest atrocity that exists today?" and hearing the answer 20 times over in every circumstance and situation and country possible. and there weren't many solutions offered, much to my dismay.

it seems like the two responses are to write your congressman, or devote your life to a cause.

i would LOVE to devote my life to a cause, i just can't pick only one!

i just watched a stirring video clip of a girl who is a teacher in nyc. she is definitely living her passion and her destiny, and it's quite inspiring - it kind of resonates deep within me in a "YYYESSSSS!" moment (one of those i don't have the real words to describe). that, to me, was a beautiful piece of advocacy.

i have to write a paper in the next few weeks on how to advocate for a specific issue to a church. i just have no idea where to start, what topic to delve into, or how to accomplish it. i see SO many needs that i am overwhelmed. i feel completely unequipped to effectively advocate for anything.

it leaves me thankful for the artsy types who can make a short video like that which is successful in reaching its audience.

i just have no idea how to do that.

i have no words.

today

before i even got out of bed today, i begged God to do something, to speak to me, to somehow do something big in me. and i think, in a weird way, He answered my prayer.

this week has been one of the hardest for me in a long time. which isn't to say anything, really, except that life is just hard sometimes.

but in the end, all i can do is live life one day at a time. part of me hates that, and i know that i want to fix all of my future right now. and part of me knows there is wisdom in planning ahead, too. but for now, all i can do is live today.

God has proven Himself to me with little graces yet again. yesterday, both of my coworkers greeted me with a hug. both of them hugged me goodnight at the end of the night. i've never hugged either one before, and when i saw them both tonight, there was no hugging. it was just a small, simple thing, for yesterday.

i have had several realizations this week that are tiny, but eventually will lead somewhere big. i am confident in that. in the midst of the craziness, there are small slivers of sanity that pull me through.

and so, today, i am choosing to trust God for the grace for today. i will choose to trust that He will give me all that i need for today. i will choose to trust that today, i will have enough, that He will be enough for me, and that i will not fall apart today.

dreams

my friend elizabeth is in cambodia right now. she's taking photos on a short-term trip about the children and women who are the victims of the sex industry. she's posting on her own blog (almondleaf) and on the blog for a sponsoring organization (silent images). on her latest silent images blog, universal red light, she talks to some of the sex workers in the red light district. her posting closes with a quote from one of the women: "Dreaming costs nothing... let's dream." Elizabeth exclaims: "It made my heart leap for joy with the hope that one day, just maybe, she’ll get to have that new life that we dreamt about together for her."

when i read this, i immediately thought "dreaming costs everything!"

in my self-care in mission class, we talked about grief and loss yesterday. there are 6 types of loss that we can experience and grieve, and one of them is an intrapsychic loss, the loss of an ideal or dream. perhaps i reacted so strongly above because of the 6 types of loss, this is the one i've experienced most deeply.

at the moment, i'm sorting through this one again. my journey this summer to find another housemate has been absolutely astounding. time and again, a great opportunity has arisen, i've gotten really excited about it and started thinking through what it would look like, and then it's not worked out. i'm exhausted. i'm so sick of closed doors and "no"s.

as of last saturday, the deal was almost done. i had 3 girls interested in moving in. sunday, one of them seemed to get more stable and another one less stable. monday, i realized the less stable one wouldn't work at all; down to 2. i checked in with both of them, both of them still strong maybes. tuesday, i got nervous waiting. wednesday, one of them backed out. since then, i haven't gotten in touch with the 3rd. she hasn't responded to my emails or voice mails, which sounds like avoidance to me. (though it is entirely possible that she has had a personal tragedy, or some other completely excusable explanation.)

i really, really thought i'd have this whole thing figured out by tuesday, wednesday at the latest. it's SO disheartening to have it be friday, and i get to renew my search all over again. i've been working on this since june! financially, i'm freaking out - i can't afford to keep paying rent-and-a-half! emotionally, i'm just not sure if i can do this again. it doesn't help that i'm doing it alone, that my other roommates (old and new) aren't able to help me. well, i take that back. they've both been a great consolation to me in the struggle, they just haven't been able to actively search. i have never been prayed for this much in my life. i have no idea what God is up to, or why it's taking so long to figure out.

i had no idea that my summer would be this stressful, that i would be this emotionally distraught over the whole thing. i have spent hours and hours online, looking for roommates, emailing them, thinking and praying about possibilities. so many of my friends on campus know, and ask me about it every time i see them. i'm so grateful for their concern and compassion, but i'm starting to feel like "the girl no one wants to live with". like it's becoming part of my identity.

so anyway, i covet your continued prayers. this dream has cost a lot, and it's not over yet.

thoughts from a brain-dead girl.

i don't like the name "don". or any name with a "G" in it, really. "Grace" might be an exception, solely for the definition of the word.

i ate a peach today, and i was thankful that it was much better than the last peach i ate.

i got a rejection email today for a job i applied for but wasn't sure i wanted.

i also applied for another job i'm not sure i want.

but i do know that i'm already dreading going to work again, and it's 44 hours away at this point.

i've never said this before: i can't wait for the summer to be over. i can't wait for a "normal", more manageable schedule and pace.

self-care in mission is still rocking my socks off. today we heard about third-culture kids, doing ministry as a family, and a little bit about boarding school. a seasoned couple came to speak to us, and we encouraged the wife to write a book. and together, they're hilarious! it was great.

old testament prophets is not rocking my socks off quite so much. it isn't nearly as good as i was hoping, especially for the number of hours i put into the work. i kind of freaked out tonight on the assignment and spouted off. the assignment was basically analyzing masculinity and womanhood in the book of hosea. i think if hosea's your source, your definitions of both are going to come out pretty whack, and i said as much on my assignment.

on the flip side, we studied jonah last week, and that was one of the best homework assignments i've ever done. why do you think jonah was written? as in, what is the "moral of the story"??

i checked a book out of the library today. the first time i've gone to the shelf, found the book myself, and checked it out since last fall. don't worry, i've checked out (a few) books since then. the library was under construction for 6 months and the staff had to go find books for us during that time. but now we're free to browse the shelves ourselves. yay! too bad i won't actually have time to read that book!

still working on housing stuff. it's crazy, man. i really hope, hope, hope this will all be over soon, and i'll be content with whatever roommate God gives me.

i really really miss rain and thunderstorms. i had no idea i'd miss thunder and lightning this badly.

i'm out. peace.

self care

i don't think i've talked much about my classes this summer. i am pretty sure i'm insane to take 3 classes and audit 2 others. i am currently in Old Testament Prophets, which is the first Bible class i've ever taken. it's pretty good, with Dr. John Goldingay. it's a 5-week class that meets twice a week for 3 hours each. there is homework due for each class, which he has designed to take about 5 hours. in addition, we post our homework online and we spend about an hour after each class responding to our classmates' homework. so all in all, it's about 18 hours a week of work for this class. ooooch.

one of the classes i'm auditing started monday, and it's a 2-week intensive (3 hrs/day), called "self care in mission." it's really good. so good that i was contemplating taking it for credit to make sure i got the most out of it. the exercises look really good, the reading looks really good, and overall it looks really beneficial. BUT, after the first day, i went to my other class completely brain-dead. i realized that i needed to practice a little self care and not overload myself. did i mention i'm also working 28 hours this week? yeah, i'm crazy. ;-)

so a few tidbits of why this class has already been amazing:

What is it in me that says, “I have to handle this all, all by myself?”
My spirituality that says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” doesn’t allow for growth or change in anyone else. There is value in conflict.

A tree planted by streams gives its fruit in season. Why do we think we have to bear fruit year-round?

my self-care that i already practice includes: baking cookies (as i've mentioned a few times ;-)), running, and photography

my primary vocation is of a child of God. my secondary vocation is the call God has put on my life, the things i'm passionate about. sometimes God doesn't tell us the secondary until we have a good grasp of the primary.

God cares more about HOW I live my life than the location of my ministry.

We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves, and so often we are taught to love our neighbors instead of ourselves.

ok, this next bit is directly from a powerpoint slide created by Kelly O'Donnell, but it's good definitions:
Member care – defined – Kelly O’Donnell
• The ongoing investment of resources by sending groups, service organizations, and workers themselves, for the nurture and development of personnel.
• It focuses on every member of the organization, including children and home office staff.
• It includes preventative, developmental, supportive, and restorative care.
• A core part of member care is the mutual care that workers provide each other. Workers receive it and they give it.
• Connecting with resources and people in the local/host community is also key.
• Member care seeks to implement an adequate flow of care from recruitment through retirement.
• The goal is to develop resilience, skills, and virtue, which are key to helping personnel stay healthy and effective in their work.
• Member care thus involves both developing inner resources (eg perserverance, stress tolerance) and providing external sources (eg team building, logistical support, skill training).

sound good to you? it sure does to me!!

there are certain "levels" or "spheres" of self care - a bullseye of care:
sphere 1: Master Care - my relationship with my Master
sphere 2: self care and mutual care, which are together and inter-related
sphere 3: sender care - the organization and/or church that sends me
sphere 4: special care - care by professionals including health, team-building, financial management, etc
sphere 5: network care - resourcing member care in all these areas

in order to be truly effective for the long-term, i need to decide on a plan, with my team, my family, and my organization to make sure there is a plan set for all these areas. i don't need to decide today what that looks like, but you can be sure that i will have an idea of this before i go anywhere else!

yeah, this stuff is good. i hope and pray that some of it can be a resource for you, too. if you want more info about the class (today was only day 2!) or the reading list or anything, let me know. i'd certainly love to chat with you about this in the future!



ps, have i mentioned how much i love coldplay? i've been listening to them nonstop for a few days now. oh, and their show a few weeks ago was pretty amazing. ;-) i didn't know it was possible to love them more after their show, but i do. it's true.

refreshing.

it's amazing, if i look for them, the small gifts God gives me everyday.

the sermon at church today was about loving God and loving others well. (my friend Lara did a great job giving it!) as she was speaking, a song came to mind that i learned last summer while preparing for my trip to nicaragua. she asked the worship band to come back up after she was done, and the first song they played was the one i was thinking of. i don't remember for sure if we've ever sung that song at church, at least not a sunday i was there. it was a nice little blessing.

after service, i was trying to move around a group of people to talk to a friend. a friend that was in the group (that i was sort of trying to avoid) came over to me and specifically asked about how my housing situation is panning out. i didn't even remember telling her about it, but told her how frustrated i was and how i was running out of options. she then asked if i had talked to a mutual friend of ours, which i thought was a good suggestion (and i still need to follow up on). then she mentioned that another friend of hers was looking for a place. i had heard this girl was looking for a place, but i wasn't sure if we would be compatible roommates. i had just been thinking of her, at the end of the sermon, wondering if God wanted to stretch me and grow me in learning to love her well, even though we are really different. immediately, my friend told me it wasn't a good idea. i hadn't even told her i was already hesitant! she then went on to list out several reasons that she thought it wasn't a good idea. oh. my. goodness. what a great confirmation! i'm so thankful that this friend sought me out and chatted with me a few minutes! and i'm glad to know that God still has this whole roommate/housing thing in control, that He was able to let me know that this wasn't the best option for me.

after church, i stopped at the supermarket for some groceries. my pantry is just about empty, but i couldn't think of many specific things i needed or wanted to eat this week. plus, i had committed that i would only buy what i could pay for in cash, which was $21. i got everything i needed to get through the week (i hope!) and still had enough left for a treat - a tub of caramel to dip apples in! and i still had $4 left!

when i got back, i went over to meet my friend wade. he wasn't home yet, but i did run into a couple of friends that i hadn't seen in a while and have a nice little chat with them. i like surprise run-ins like that when i have a few minutes to catch up! it makes me feel more connected here, to be able to continue relationships like that.

i did go back later to meet wade. he and his family are moving, and i will miss him very much! i had 2 classes with him, and he also used to work for starbucks, so he was a great sounding board for me. he proved his intelligence in "theology in a global perspective" and then i got to know him better in "community organizing". also, he hired and/or trained 3 of my current co-workers, so if i was confused about something about those 3 co-workers, wade could clue me in to what they were thinking, or what the official starbucks stance would be.

ANYWAY, that's wade. he and his next door neighbors (michael and abby, who i will also miss very much) had a yard sale yesterday before they move this week. i stopped by yesterday to ask if they had any dishes for sale. wade and his wife did, but they had a set of 4 large plates, 7 medium plates, 4 bowls, a creamer/sugar set, and a pitcher that they wanted to sell as a whole for $35. i was thinking $5. i just wanted the plates! it was a yardsale! i was very VERY reluctant to offer my price, which they finally pulled out of me (i didn't want to offend them! and it was a nice set!), which i upped to $10. wade made a deal with me that they would try to sell them the rest of the day, and if they didn't sell, he would sell them to me, the whole set, for $10. he g-chatted me yesterday just before i left for work and said "come get your plates!" so today, i did! it's a nice set, and i'm thankful! a steal for the whole thing at $10! and i have a pitcher now, too, that i can make lemonade in, or at least serve it from. ;-)

tonight there was a leadership meeting for church. as i walked to the church office, i ran into my friend laura, whose old room i am currently living in. she also worked with me at starbucks. we also had a great little conversation, which made me late for my meeting, but i didn't mind. ;-)

the leadership meeting itself wasn't anything astounding, but i found it very great to simply be in a conversation about life groups, the role of the church in the community, and missional church. i also enjoyed just praying with them. it was good to see another dimension to people other than what i see on sunday mornings. i have a few things that i want to think and pray more about later, too, which is almost a relief. ;-) also, after the meeting, i chatted with david and mark a bit. mark is an amazing man, and david is pretty awesome, too. david recently returned from a week in guatemala, so i joined their conversation to hear about his trip. mark then told a bit about a trip to costa rica that is coming up soon for him. OH MAN. it was SO great to talk about things overseas, especially church work. i was talking to sara yesterday about how i don't know what i want to do in the future. i realized after my conversation tonight that i had been feeling dead in the water for a bit now, but that conversation tonight was just a little air in my sails. i feel like i'm moving somewhere now. i don't know where, but i know a moving ship is easier to steer than a still one.

so how about all those refreshing tidbits for one day? praise God for hope!