refugees paper wordle

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Thanksgiving and more

Sorry for the brief hiatus. This is week ten of the quarter, which means that everything is coming down to the wire. The rough draft of my final paper for my research methods class was due today (or so I thought), and we each had 15 minute individual presentations. We also had an 8-10 page paper due for my ethics class today. Needless to say, these assignments made for a busy holiday!

I enjoyed my Thanksgiving! Working in retail, it was a busy weekend! I was happy to get paid overtime on Thanksgiving Day and allow my coworkers with family in the area to spend the day with them. A friend of mine picked me up after work to take me to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t the only one who was late, so I didn’t feel awkward and enjoyed the food! We played a few different games afterward, then enjoyed a round of dessert. The company was great, the food was outstanding, and it was my best option if I had to be away from my family.

The rest of the weekend was just as productive and fun: a lot of working, a lot of schoolwork, and the perfect dosage of spending time with friends. Really, I have so much to be thankful for, and my friends are one such category! I am continually impressed with their hospitality and service to one another and to me. Things are not always perfect, and we certainly have conflict, but I truly appreciate their commitment to love me as part of the body of Christ. It’s quite humbling!

Today after class, I had the opportunity to chat with a classmate about our research experiences. We weren’t in the same discussion groups throughout the quarter, nor the same presentation group today, so she asked me to summarize the missiological implications of the research I did. My research was in a retail setting, and my conclusion was that we all have to treat whoever is in front of us like a person. Our culture and society push us to view people for what they’re worth in terms of what they can do for me. Employees at any corporation we encounter, whether it’s retail, a restaurant, a customer service call center, or anywhere are more than the role they represent to us right now. The “idiot” mailman who stuffs all my mail into the box and bends my photos has a wife and children at home. The “annoying” customer has had a lot of stress at work recently. The “lazy” group member for my class has been sick a lot this quarter and can’t keep up with the reading. These are people, set in families and social systems and who have lives outside of whatever role they are performing for me right now. The moment I lose sight of that and reduce them to “a server” or “a poor performer” is the moment I treat them as less than human, and this is a sin. They deserve the same dignity and respect that anyone I love deserves, whether they are serving my needs or not. Regardless of his or her ability to succeed in a role or a position, each person I come into contact with each day deserves to be truly seen and acknowledged as a person. That is the way I have failed to treat others the way I would like to be treated and have insulted the God whose image they were created in.

grace enough.

as you know, i'm not perfect. :-P

i've had a couple more-honest-than-i-really-want-to-be moments recently, and i'm a little embarrassed by them. i feel like i should be making a face like the one brad pitt makes in ocean's 12 when he realizes his phone was stolen by his ex-girlfriend-cop (catherine zeta-jones) when she came to the apartment, which now nixes the team's entire plan. it's a bit like an "ouch" face mixed with disbelief and a twinge of regret. yeah, that face.

anyway, in my head tonight, i am making that face and apologizing to a friend that i have recently treated poorly. in this made-up conversation, said friend (knowing why i behaved the way i did) pushes me a bit to the deeper issue of my heart, kindly and gently not letting me off the hook.

and my response is something like, "God is good. and i'm slowly working through this deeper issue in my heart. i am slowly healing, forgiving, and finding forgiveness. but i'm a girl with a dash of crazy. this is just a process that takes time. and for the first time, i don't imagine God standing there with His arms crossed, tapping His foot saying, 'come on, dianne, time to get your act together.' for once, i feel like i don't have to responsibly smother the crazy to get it 'right.' i feel like God gets that crazy side of me and it's ok, at least for now. it's part of me that definitely requires training, but it isn't going away overnight, and He's ok with that, and He loves me and has grace for me even now."

and so, for tonight, that's enough. God is good, and His grace is enough for me.

scared.

i am scared. i am excited, but mostly scared.

my assignments this quarter are a bit overwhelming to me. not because i feel they ask too much of me (academically or time-wise), but because they touch something deep within my heart.

A. for my "Christian Ethics" class, the paper i'm working on now is essentially defining my beliefs about justice and righteousness. these two words have stood out to me in my own personal readings of the Bible for a couple years now. they almost haunt me with their bigness, boldness, ever-presence and unattainability. (yes i probably just made that word up.) i learned in my OT Prophets class that the 2 Hebrew words for justice and righteousness, tsedeqah and mishpat, do a little dance. they go together in many OT passages, each complementing the other. our english words for them don't really fully explain their real meaning. they are so full of meaning that i am in awe, especially if we, as Christians, are required/responsible/help to bring the meaning of these words into reality. it's completely overwhelming and yet so beautiful. it is certainly part of my life's call to engender these words and bring justice and righteousness to the earth.

in Stassen and Gushee's book Kingdom Ethics, they outline "justice" in four dimensions.
“(1) deliverance of the poor and powerless from the injustice that they regularly experience;
(2) lifting the foot of domineering power off the neck of the dominated and oppressed;
(3) stopping the violence and establishing peace; and
(4) restoring the outcasts, the excluded, the Gentiles, the exiles and the refugees to community.” (349)

i would abosolutely love it if at the end of my life, someone could say these are things i have worked towards.

to even say that is a little scary! it's a little mind-boggling and overwhelming to actually say, yes, this is what i want my life to look like.

the assignment i'm working on is essentially defining these terms, putting them into language a new believer in my church would understand (cutting out all the "seminary" words), and applying these concepts to the juvenile justice system in place in LA today. we watched a documentary called Juvies and are now asked to respond, in light of our theological understanding of justice/righteousness. wow.


B. the other assignment for this class that i have left to complete is to volunteer for 5 hours and write an analysis of how the organization is living out Christian mission. i have been volunteering at IRIS - Interfaith Refugee and Immigration Services, and i LOVE it. i've been leading a "life group" from my church, and the whole purpose of our group is to serve. we show up at IRIS on friday mornings, serve coffee to refugees, unload a truck with canned goods and produce, bag the food, and distribute it to the 100+ people who come every week. it's typical food-bank type stuff, but this is an organization that is really doing something. i am trying to work out a way to work with them for at least part of my required practicum.

let me tell you, these guys are the real deal. they are actively reaching out to refugees - Iraqis fleeing the war, Armenian Christians fleeing persecution in Iran, etc. i am definitely excited to hear more of their stories. the more i learn about the plight of refugees - these and all across the globe, the more i want to serve them, work with them, restore them.

C. i took an incomplete this summer in my advocacy class, and my last assignment is the only one i have to complete. but it is essentially choosing an issue to advocate for, research it theologically and historically within different church traditions (Catholic, Anabaptist, Evangelical), and create an action plan for a congregation. if you couldn't guess, i think i've found a legitimate topic! and i'm already "doing" the action plan! so i'm really excited about it, but also really scared! i don't want to be graded on something i'm already committed to. i wish my life experience were proof enough that i learned something in the advocacy class! i don't want to have to write a paper on it, too!

so yeah, a lot of stuff close to my heart that seems overwhelming. but i'm excited.

gray areas.

being bitter is no fun. really, it's not. but i'm not sure what to do about it. i wonder if it's one of the 5 stages of grief. along with the bitterness comes a lot of anger, and i know that's one of the stages of grief. it's kind of ridiculous how long it's taken me to get this far. it's only been this week that i realized i'm allowed to be angry.

and so i am. i am very angry. and unfortunately, my anger has had some undeserving victims, including the boy who happened to crash the aforementioned glee-watching-night. it really wasn't his fault. (i'm sorry, elijah.)

it seems like our Christian culture has just tried to squash all "negative" emotions. i don't know what to do with them. i really don't. i don't know a productive, or at least less-sinful way to be angry. i don't know how to heal, how to get to the next step (whatever it is) in this journey. i thought i had forgiven, can i still be angry after i've forgiven? is it possible? i don't know. have i forgiven parts but not all? how do you go on with life after forgiveness? in a sense, the damage has been done. i just don't know.

and so i kind of gave up. i don't want to be angry, but i do want vindication, of a sort. a friend of mine this week treated me in a very healing way, going out of her way to behave the opposite of (one of) the way(s) i'd been hurt. i don't think she fully understands the redemption of her act, i'm not sure if she realizes how much i'd been hurt by doing the opposite of what she did; she just did it because she was treating me the way she wanted to be treated. it was great. (it did take another friend to point out the beauty of this redemption, however; i didn't see it myself.)

and so i want to move on. part of me is just waiting for time - time doesn't heal all wounds, but it helps. space helps, to a point.

in all honesty, the hardest part is navigating the external stuff. the stuff that goes well beyond the issue, the hurt, the (end of the) relationship. i don't know how to talk in a healthy way. i don't want to gossip (really, i don't), but i'm a verbal processor. how do i walk that line? how do i get healing without sinning more? God really has been amazing to me, to give me clarity and insight that could only have come from Him. He is certainly good and is bringing me to wholeness, maturity, and healing. but He definitely uses people for some of that, and it's all a gray area.

so where do i go from here? how do i walk this out?

...one of those days

it's been one of those days. i went to a meeting an hour early just because i got confused and forgot what time it was supposed to be.

a boy crashed our girls-night-glee-watching party. stupid boys.

i woke up with a killer sore throat and had to cancel a coffee date with a friend i've been trying to hang out with for 7 weeks now.

it's week SEVEN of the quarter. where does the time go?

we had a meeting at work yesterday. my position requires a LOT more sales now than it used to, and i HATE that. to the tune of dreading going to work tomorrow.

i'm really sad that i may not be able to leave the country to do my practicum. i can't figure out how to fit it into my degree plan to split it, and i plain can't afford it.

i was painfully reminded that this year, i can't inquire about my friends' thanksgiving plans. argh.

i did enjoy pizza with my lifegroup for dinner. :-)

and the mat kearney concert last night was killer.

it was WARM today when i got to sit outside with hanne, who face-hugs.

hurt by the church

when we say we've been "hurt by the church", what do we really mean? the church is just people, right? do we really mean that we've been hurt by pastors, those in positions of authority within specific congregations? are we hurt because people within the church have hurt us and leaders stood idly by and let that hurt happen? or created structures that allowed that hurt to happen? or knew about it and didn't stop it? part of me is really wondering, part of me is wanting to really look at my own experiences and how i describe them.

i say that i've been hurt by my "the church". but really, i mean that i've been hurt by members of that church. a situation occurred and others jumped in to help the affected person. and in the process, i was hurt. and really, my hurt seemed illegitimate and petty. so then i felt ashamed that i was hurt. and i was angry and embarrassed, and i felt that i didn't have the right to feel that way. so i was angry with myself for responding so selfishly in being hurt. and no one checked in on me, or in any way validated my hurt or even addressed it. or any of my emotions, really, that were by now, way over the top. i had so much self-hatred that i'm sure it affected me in ways i don't even understand to this day.

i was talking to a friend today about this topic, and as she was sharing her story of being hurt but the pastor taking good care of her. it was a very redemptive, restorative, healing moment for her. i started crying in realizing that i haven't had anything of the sort, nor am i even brave enough to bring it up. all of this happened so long ago in the past, yet i am still ashamed of how i felt. and i'm probably ashamed even now of how i dealt with it (or didn't deal with it, i didn't know how).

but how is that "hurt by the church"? did i let anyone know what was going on? the situation was carried out in good faith by others, but it still affected me. it wasn't exactly a ministry of the church (nothing official), but it was clear that the relational bounds of those involved only existed because of the friendships formed through the church. is that enough to classify "the church"? or is it that no one else stepped in to help? or could they have? what is it that i am really holding against "the church"?? i'm not really sure, but i'm standing my ground.

and God, heal my heart.

thoughts from my ethics class

this week in Christian Ethics, we have been discussing race and ethnicity. oh, and sexuality, but that's a different story.

at least half of the class today could be summed up by this quote:
"If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come here because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." -Lilla Watson

it was a great discussion. as i was listening to the class around me, i was reminded of this quote but couldn't remember it verbatim, so i googled it. i came across a blog that used it, and i read the whole post. i have no idea who this person is, or where she is, or what her background, or what work she is doing. so taking everything she has said at face value, i really appreciated her thoughts on international community development and the sense of superiority that we, as americans, often have in other countries. her post can be found here, and here is an excerpt that rang true with me (tho my story is quite different from hers):

"I will expound on that question in another blog [How do you empower people to help themselves when they have absolutely nothing to work from??], but currently, I am confronting some fundamental issues on the structure of our work here. Although we are from impacted community ourselves, we (us folks from the US) still come from privilege being from America. Being of color does not, by any means, put us on the same playing field as the people here. We are all very aware that our 1st world status gives us economic and educational privilege. Yet, we are unique in that, for example, both Nadia and Jon, who are both African Americans from the South can claim that black southerners experience poverty and neglect that resembles the discrepancy between the Acholis and the rest of Uganda. I feel a strong connection to this work through my connection to my roots, the struggles of my father’s family, my experience being bi-racial and the daughter of an immigrant, and my previous traveling experiences. I connect the experience of my father’s family growing up in the Philippines, the struggles of Filipinos in the Philippines and in other countries (discrimination, marginalization, domestic violence.. etc), the struggles I’ve witnessed amongst the peoples in other developing communities to my work here. Therefore, this work becomes personal, and as I have travelled and made connections with people living in the Ukraine, Thailand, Nepal, Egypt, and Ecuador – the urgent need to transcend race, ethnicity, religion, nationality to unite on a global front to work for social justice becomes even more pressing. My identity is no longer limited to my family, friends, ethnicity, or nationality – it transcends and includes all those I have connected with in all those places. I am no longer just obligated to care for people in my immediate community, city, or country – I am obligated to work for change that includes all whom I have met along the way and all those whom I have yet to meet and those whom I will never meet. Their struggles are bound up in mine and my liberation can only be found through theirs."

This was essentially the point in the readings our quiz was on this week, and it was great to hear someone's firsthand experience leading them to the same conclusion.

a little follow up.

i didn't even realize it, but The Semi, the weekly campus publication, has been highlighting recovery ministry for the last 2 weeks. my friend elijah wrote an article for it, which he posted on his blog, Wish You Were Here. check it out.

confessions and heros

i have a confession to make:
i haven't always had the best attitude about or toward "recovery ministry." in fact, i've been downright snobbish and condescending, at least in my heart if not forthright. my thought has been along the lines of "i'm not like those people. they just needed more self-control and discipline from the start. it's their own fault they now need Alcoholic Anonymous (or any other recovery ministry or support group)".

whether or not there is any truth at all to these statements, it's a terrible place for me to be. by saying these things (or thinking them), i'm judging people i don't know and somehow reaching a false conclusion. my attitude suggests that i limit the grace i extend, and i also don't believe i am in need of the same grace.

at some point this summer, in the midst of the craziness, i read an article about people of a certain age having mid-life crises. the circumstances of their lives were pretty terrible, and it compared two groups of those people: those who were alcoholics and had participated in a group like AA, and those who weren't/hadn't. the results were surprising, at least to me. i would have thought that in times that rough, the recovering addicts would go back to their addictions to numb the pain. what actually happened was that they reached out for help. they knew they couldn't face the circumstances by themselves, and AA had taught them that they needed a support system to help them through the rough times. the ones who hadn't been through AA withdrew and didn't reach out for help.

a year or three later, the study caught up with both sets of people. the recovering addicts had more stable and fulfilling lives than their counterparts who thought they could endure independently.

this one article highlighted my own need for community. i couldn't have faced my rough circumstances alone. i had reached the end of myself, the end of my ability to endure, the end of my self-sufficiency. i needed to reach out and ask for help, and i did. it was the first in a series of lessons on community that God has been teaching me.

but at the same time, that was a realization, to me, of the importance and legitimacy of recovery ministries. don't get me wrong, i know they are amazing and have a place, but i didn't see their importance to me at all.


so tonight, i went to a halloween party. i got off work a bit early, so i was able to swing by a friend's place for his party. my friend is a recovering alcoholic and addict. he lives in an apartment connected to a half-way house. it was a small gathering (at least for the few minutes i was there), and all the other guests were also recovering _______s. i gathered that most of them had been sober for a while and were also leaders of AA or NA.

i wasn't able to stay for long, but their conversation astounded me. i realized the tenacity, endurance, and sorrows of their fight. they mentioned a friend who had overdosed and died last week. that's not common in my circle of friends, and yet these friends embraced the news with grace and resolve to keep the same fate from others they know. they mentioned coworkers who were finding the help they needed. i was amazed by the fierceness of the fight they fight everyday for their friends and loved ones. the trials, pains, and temptations they must have endured to 1) need something like AA in the first place; 2) get sober; 3) stay sober; and 4) fight for and alongside others is beyond me. i'm sure i couldn't even get past stage one.

they amazed me, and i am humbled by their endurance and passion. tho i used to think those people were beneath me, i now realize it is quite the other way around. and i am so blessed to know them. they are my new heroes.

enlarge the place where this truth fits

i was just doing my usual internet surfing, checking friend's blogs and the news. i came across this article: More than 1 billion people going hungry, UN says. i read the first line, and i fell back in my seat and breathed a low "wow."

how do i respond to such a thing? i hope the next breath includes a "God have mercy!" prayer. and yes, God, have mercy! have mercy on these people, have mercy on the rest of the world that is fed and overfed, and have mercy on me, one who has more than i could ever need. God come, have mercy. enlarge the place where this truth fits.

i read an article this past week by walter brueggemann.* he describes how (based on Old Testament passages) we have the option to eat and be satisfied, or eat until we're fat. in one option, we are citizens, in the other, we are consumers. depending on our mindset, we either operate out of our recognition of God the Creator who sustains us, or we think that we're somehow in control, but we fear losing that control, so we take all we can while it's still available to us. we reduce ourselves to consuming for our own benefit, rather than participating with humility and a proper view of where our sustenance comes from, and our dependence on one another to serve and be served.

i need this to be my governing perspective. i am a dependent creature. i am dependent on my Creator to sustain my life. i live because of God's goodness to me, and i am unable to provide for myself. furthermore, i am dependent others, on my community. i trust that as they, like myself, are dependent on the One true sustainer and trust Him, we will take responsibility to look out for one another. if i am certain God will provide for me, i am no longer bound by selfish consumerism and can freely give to others. indeed, as Brueggemann says, "It is clear of course that when creatures opt for only consumerism and forget that larger reach of citizenship, the need and entitlements of widow, orphan, and illegal immigrant evaporate in an ocean of self-preoccupation.”

i am not a self-sustaining person. i cannot live this life completely independently, like i try to convince myself sometimes. i am bound in a covenantal relationship to my Creator, and by extension, to His creatures. i am placed in a community and i have obligations to them. i cannot extract myself from them, nor should i! i am dependent on them, just as they are dependent on me. and it is a beautiful relationship, even if it is broken.

yes, Lord, enlarge the place where this truth fits!



*Bruggemann, Walter. “Options for Creatureliness: Consumer or Citizen.” In Horizons in Biblical Theology, Vol. 23 (2001), pp. 25-50.

from my reading for "Christian Ethics"

from "Theological Foundations for Male-Female Relationships", by Stanley J. Grenz
(Journal of the Evangelical Theological Society, 41.04 pp 615-630)

"To summarize our second conclusion: Godly relationships between men and women emerge as we direct our life together toward the highest human task--namely, reflecting the divine character and thereby being the image of God. God's goal for us arises out of the procession of the third Trinitarian person, the Holy Spirit who, as the concretization of the divine love, is the one who creates that character in us. God's loving character becomes visible as we love one another, whether as partners who share the exclusive love relationship of marriage or as participants in the more inclusive nonmarital bonds that bring persons--both male and female--together within the context of Christ's fellowship. Within this fellowship our task is to help others, in the words of Vanier, to 'grow toward wholeness and to discover their place, and eventually exercise their gifts, in a network of friendship.' This requires, he adds, 'the integration of one's sexuality in a vision of fellowship and friendship. It implies that each one, man or woman, in his or her sexual being, must learn to love others, entering into relationships of communion..., tenderness and service, using their genital sexuality only in that particular covenant which is blessed by God.'"

(Jean Vanier, Man and Woman, p 97-98)

National Parks

Is It "Elitist" To Try to Visit All 58 National Parks?
(thanks, Chad)
What do you think?


National Parks of the US:
(the ones I've been to are bolded)

Acadia National Park ME
Arches National Park UT
Badlands National Park SD (I've driven through, got the official map, but it was after dark, so I didn't really see it.)
Big Bend National Park TX
Biscayne National Park FL
Black Canyon Of The Gunnison National Park CO
Bryce Canyon National Park UT
Canyonlands National Park UT
Capitol Reef National Park UT
Carlsbad Caverns National Park NM
Channel Islands National Park CA
Congaree National Park SC
Crater Lake National Park OR
Cuyahoga Valley National Park OH
Death Valley National Park CA, NV
Denali National Park & Preserve AK
Dry Tortugas National Park FL
Everglades National Park FL
Gates Of The Arctic National Park & Preserve AK
Glacier National Park MT
Glacier Bay National Park & Preserve AK
Grand Canyon National Park AZ
Grand Teton National Park WY
Great Basin National Park NV
Great Sand Dunes National Park & Preserve CO
Great Smoky Mountains National Park NC, TN
Guadalupe Mountains National Park TX
Haleakala National Park HI
Hawaii Volcanoes National Park HI
Hot Springs National Park AR
Isle Royale National Park MI
Joshua Tree National Park CA
Katmai National Park & Preserve AK
Kenai Fjords National Park AK
Kobuk Valley National Park AK
Kings Canyon National Park CA
Lake Clark National Park & Preserve AK
Lassen Volcanic National Park CA (maybe? I can't remember...)
Mammoth Cave National Park KY
Mesa Verde National Park CO
Mount Rainier National Park WA
National Park of American Samoa AS
North Cascades National Park WA
Olympic National Park WA
Petrified Forest National Park AZ
Redwood National Park CA
Rocky Mountain National Park CO
Saguaro National Park AZ
Sequoia National Park CA
Shenandoah National Park VA
Theodore Roosevelt National Park ND
Virgin Islands National Park VI
Voyageurs National Park MN
Wind Cave National Park SD
Wrangell - St Elias National Park & Preserve AK
Yellowstone National Park ID, MT, WY
Yosemite National Park CA
Zion National Park UT

i am not superwoman*

i can't do everything. i want to. i try to. if it looks interesting, if it looks like a good cause, if it looks like fun, i want to do it. but i can't do everything.

i am constantly on the brink of being overwhelmed. and then i want to add something else to my already busy schedule. at some point, i have to say no. i have to either live with the regret, or be content with being faithful with what is in front of me already.

i can't even wrap my head around all the special events (one-time or parties or something) that are happening in october. i almost can't wait for november simply because i think that life will somehow slow down then.

ao in a way, it comes down to priorities. what do i really think is the most important thing in life right now? and why don't my choices line up with that?

and part of my choices has to be realistic, too. if i don't go to a party on a saturday night, i'm probably not going to be doing homework, anyway. or maybe i should discipline myself a bit more and actually DO homework on a saturday night!

i definitely want to take advantage of unusual circumstances. for instance, a friend of mine who doesn't own a car was loaned a car for the weekend, so she suggested we use it to drive someplace we can't normally easily reach and go hiking. i really really wanted to go, as i love exploring new places, i love hiking, i love my friend and i love hanging out with her. but i have had a busy week! new things popped up each day, and i barely had any "down" time, much less much study time. and i have to be at work in 1.5 hrs, and i haven't touched that school work yet, but i definitely had some down time, and i got a few things done that needed to be done that i wouldn't normally prioritize (but are definitely really important!).

i have a few things rumbling around in my head that i need to decide about:

1) i have a job interview monday, and i'm going back and forth on whether i really want the job or not.
* because it's a job with the school, i'd have to give up a few things to take the job, for ethical reasons, which may be the piece of sanity i need to maintain a busy schedule. (i can't represent the school as both an employee and an unbiased student.)
* the hours would also limit a possible service opportunity for my life group from church, which is just getting started. so that could either be a closed door for that service opportunity, or it could kill the group with one fell swoop. ok, maybe not that dramatic, but it's something to consider.
* it could be a great opportunity to put on a resume and would give me experience in something i think i'd be good at, but haven't really tried. or, simply because of the title of the job, it could be inadvertently disastrous for future opportunities.
* the pay would be comparable to starbucks, but a strict 20 hrs/week. at sbux, i can change my hours to work less some weeks and more other weeks, which is helpful. but also stressful when i need more hours but am scheduled for fewer hours. it's a tossup... i think sbux is a little more profitable in the end.
* i am trying to build a budget, but it's hard to keep track of since i am paid in cash (tips) once a week, and i'm not good at keeping track of where that money goes. i basically use it to buy groceries and go out to eat with friends. it's not like that money just disappears into superfluous places, i just can't merge what i actually do with it into the website (mint.com) that i'm using to keep track of the rest of my finances, which is a bummer. SO, if i take the new job, i wouldn't have to worry about that, since i'd just get a "real" paycheck and no tips to worry about.
* starting a new job is hard. it's learning a new system, new people, etc. at sbux, i already know how everything works, even if i don't like how it all works.
* i suck at interviews. i really really do. i haven't had a successful (first) interview since i worked at the salvation army in college, which puts that interview in sept '03. and that interview was more a "are you sure you want to work here? we'd understand if you change your mind."
* a few other smaller considerations....

it kind of sounds like i should go to the interview just for the practice, then withdraw myself from the pool of candidates. or maybe i'll realize at the interview that i would LOVE this position. i'll let you know how it goes.

2) i have another huge topic rumbling around in my head that i can't publish in any kind of documented way. if you're curious, please talk to me, and i'd love to get your opinion on the matter. taking a few steps on this issue is a good chunk of how i spent my morning. it feels good to be moving on it!

3) i am SO stinking excited for Christmas. i really am. it's weird, i know. i am SO excited to be with my family in san fran!!! i am SO excited to show my parents around my adopted home/town. moreover, i am excited to have finished all my classes by then! it's a little sad to be glad to have classes over before they've even really begun, but considering i have 2 incompletes hanging over my head from summer, by dec 11, all will be finished! it will be the first time since the end of june that there won't be any "i should be working on that paper"-type thoughts guilting me in the back of my mind. yeah, can't wait.

4) i'm still trying to figure out a way to get back to VA for that week or two between when i'm done with classes and when i'm meeting my fam in san fran. i'm checking plane tickets with some frequency, but in reality, i don't have the money to pay for said plane tickets, nor do i have enough financial flexibility to skip those 2 weeks of pay that i'd be gone.

5) i had the joy of speaking to some old friends this week. when i think about it, they still make me happy. ;-) but i've also come to the realization that michael w. smith may have had it wrong. friends are not friends forever. i probably listened to him when i was a kid tell me that lie, and now i have unrealistic expectations of friendship. i just realized that i contacted several old friends this summer that i never heard back from. and now, i don't ever expect to speak to them or hear from them again. which is a little sad, but a little bittersweet. it releases me from being disappointed about expectations that will never be met. on the other hand, i have several phone dates that i owe people that i DO intend to keep in touch with.

so if you read this, please be praying for all this stuff. sheesh, i exhaust myself!

* this line, i believe i stole from this week's episode of glee.

thoughts from week 1

there are so many people on campus! it's so weird! those of us who have been around all summer seem a bit overwhelmed: it went from eerily quiet to loud and busy so quickly!

i'm not nearly as excited about my classes this time around. i think it's primarily because i'm a bit burned out. there aren't any classes this quarter that really excite me. but after attending first lectures in all my classes (ok, both), i'm kind of relieved that they won't be as overwhelming as i had feared. neither will be easy, and both will require a lot of work, but the professors of both classes don't seem to have unrealistic expectations of their students, which is more than i can say for other professors.

the official SIS photo shoot was today. it's a tradition that goes back something like 60 years - a photo of all current School of Intercultural Studies students. i ran into my favorite professor there, who stopped to talk to me. i loved it. ;-) i also ran into a few other friends that i hadn't seen in weeks, or even all summer. that was great, too. you know what else was amazing? the weather! ahhh, so nice! for once, it was a "fall" day, though i know it won't last forever!

tonight i'm going on a night hike with Oasis. a few of us from pasadena are carpooling over to azusa to meet up with some APU students to hike the garcia trail. i don't know much about it, but i'm excited to get out and use my legs for more than transportation. that sounded a bit weird, but i'm excited.

this weekend i'm going to joshua tree again! i'm quite excited about that, too!! it's another Oasis trip, though i think our group will be smaller this time around, maybe 8 or 9 of us. last year we had 14, i think. matt is heading up our trip again, but maybe only 3 of us are repeats from last year?? i'm not sure. i don't even know what our plan is, but i can't wait!

on a more somber note, please pray for a friend of mine. they are going through a really rough time, are slightly disillusioned, and may be sent back to their country of origin because of visa issues. my heart hurts for this friend, but no amount of encouragement or praise will accomplish anything, so the best i can do is pray and ask you to pray.

i'm making masaman curry for dinner tomorrow night. funny to say, but i've been looking forward to it for a while now. tomorrow, i'm doing it! i've invited a few friends over to join me, so i'm glad for that, too. ;-) should be yummy and fun!

ooof. week 1. i'm really not ready for it. summer was too long and too short at the same time. i am SO thankful for a regular weekly schedule, though, even if that means i have to do a lot of work. i'm ready for that part.

i was looking at plane tickets today. i'm really not sure if i will make it back to VA in dec or not. if i go back for suzanne's wedding, i'll likely go dec 16. from there, i'll fly to san fran dec 23 or 24, then ride with my parents back down to pasadena/LA before new year's eve. or i could just fly from here up to san fran dec 23 or 24. it's $70 vs $410. kind of a big difference. and while i'm in VA, i can't be working at starbucks, either. so as of now, it's looking like VA is a no-go, unfortunately. i would LOVE to see all you VA people, so feel free to come visit me!

it really is amazing the difference the weather has on my attitude, or some other psychological impact. the cooler weather today really feels like a burden lifted off my shoulders. strange, but true. and clouds! there are clouds in the sky! they made for a pretty sunset just now!

well, that's probably enough about week 1. i'll post more later on the specifics of my classes this quarter.

compelled by love

for the sake of many reasons and people, this blog post will be ambiguous. sorry.

i recently received an email that requested a response. it was a polite request, seasoned with hospitality and grace to decline. but it also contained the dreaded "R" word: responsibility. the request gently reminded me of my responsibility as a citizen of God's Kingdom to comply.

i had been pondering this "obligation" for some months now. in order to proceed with integrity, a past hurt needed to be forgiven and healed. i have forgiven, but it hasn't been healed completely. i also think taking this step in faith may be required to be completely healed.

in order to move in this direction, i need to take stock in the whole situation, not one small part of it. what i do see doesn't lead me decisively in one direction or another.

in order to respond with joy, my motivation needs to be love. i want to be compelled by love.

i have felt obligated for months to take this step, but i have learned that, for me, "obedience" (for something as complicated as this, i'm not 100% certain of God's command, hence the quotation marks) that is motivated by "oughts" and "shoulds" induces self-hatred. i hate myself for not "feeling" such a way that this step would be an appropriate love response. i hate myself for doing things so that i'll look good, or so that i won't look bad in front of others. i hate myself for doing things simply for the recognition i may receive: "she's such a good Christian!" because then, my real motivation is people-pleasing, manipulation, deceit.

i do know that it's often true that with obedience, the heart changes. when i step in the right direction out of faith and obedience, my heart and attitude align themselves with the cause and i am a changed woman. that is certainly true most of the time that fear is what is holding me back. i don't believe that is the case here, so i'm not sure if obedience is the key.

i still haven't decided how to respond to the email. i don't know what all is truly at stake, but i do believe that if i were a perfect person and this were a perfect world, my step of accepting this request would be God-honoring, which is something i want to strive for. i would love for my every action to be God-honoring. but i am not a perfect person, and i am certain i will fail at least once to be God-honoring in this particular exercise. and this is not a perfect world, and i am certain parts of this situation will at one point or another be more harmful than good. it is not a black and white case, it is nuanced in a million shades.

i want to be honest with myself, and recently i have given myself permission to let go, to not be bound by "oughts" and "shoulds". they have been faithful to me, on keeping me out of thousands of bad situations, but they have been a curse of legalism to me, as well.

i do know that at the end of the day, if my heart is compelled by love, this scenario has a much, much better chance of glorifying God. it has a chance to be a method of my heart's continual healing. it has the potential to be a story of redemption and transformation. there is much hope.

IF i am compelled by love.

so Lord, open my heart to love.

uuuuuugh.

i HATE this feeling. i would never wish this feeling on anyone.

so today is the last day of summer quarter. as you're probably aware, it was not an easy summer for me. i was really looking forward to just being DONE with everything, just to put it all behind me.

well as the week drew to a close, it became painfully obvious to me that i wasn't going to complete everything. i could have finished my papers for my islam class, but one of the assignments was to spend 3 hours with a muslim, and i hadn't done that yet. i emailed the professor last weekend (he doesn't live in southern california), and told him i didn't think i could do that part. he said it was worth 15 points, so the highest i could get in the class is a B. it's supposed to be a pretty easy class, in the end, so i felt silly earning a B in the class. my other class i had to finish, advocacy, i should have been working on for a while now. i realized that the idea i had for my final paper wasn't sufficient. i still am not quite sure what i should do, or where i should go with the topic.

i did finish my prophets class on monday night. that paper, once i started writing it, was really fun and i think i did pretty well on it. it's my only grade for the class, so i hope i was right!!! it really was a breeze to write, once i sat down and did it. i was hoping advocacy would go just as smoothly, but alas, it didn't, and i started to freak out.

i did complete all my book reviews for both classes, so it's nice to have them done. i was able to email my islamics professor last night and ask for an incomplete, which he graciously granted me, so i quit working on that paper and turned my attention to advocacy. i definitely could have finished islamics by 5pm today, minus the hanging out with a muslim bit, but i wasn't able to get in touch with any of the three advocacy professors until later this afternoon. since i wasn't sure if i would be granted an incomplete in that class, i had to keep working on the paper! i figured i'd just chug along for the parts i could complete, then worry about the lacking parts later. it was a HUGE relief when i finally got an email back from one of the profs which i quickly printed out, attached to my petition, and took over to the registrar's office.

so i'd still like to finish my islamics paper tonight, but when i went back to it, my mind was just blank. i HATE the feeling of being sleep deprived, my body just hurts and my head doesn't focus very well. so i feel like any work i can accomplish today isn't going to be quality, anyway, so i might as well give up. especially since i now have until dec 11 to finish! i will still work on my papers and hopefully finish them this week, and hang out with a muslim soon.

so you can be praying that i will have the discipline to go ahead and finish now, and also that i will have a better fall quarter than my summer quarter was! ugh!

one more down...

i just completed one more book report. i have a looong way to go before friday at 5, though!

a friend of mine is an amazing photographer. her photos tell stories, her heart behind every one of them. the latest entry of her blog sits unopened on my homepage: "the kids of cambodia." i just can't bring myself to "read" it, even though i search for ways to kill time. i think her photos will just about kill me.

my new roommate, judy, arrived this week! she is so cute and has a great sense of humor. and she loves to travel. and says things like "i think i'll give it a pass", which i love. this is going to be great!

i can't even think about anything else to say to procrastinate. wish me luck!

politics

i have really enjoyed watching the west wing over the last 6+ months. i never thought i would love the politics so much, but i've learned a lot. it's interesting how policies are made, and then politicized so they can be implemented.

i have never cared for politics, at least the manipulative, conniving, numbers game part. when i was in high school, i had an amazing government teacher. she even won teacher of the year shortly after i graduated. while taking her class, i thought that i could potentially end up in politics myself. there was a weekend trip to washington that she invited me to go on, but the trip failed to materialize. but considering whether or not the cost of the trip would be worth it, i realized how much i was indeed interested in politics and policy and governing.

in politics today, i'm all over the page. i'm often too lazy to be truly informed, but i find myself more and more interested in policy decisions that involve social justice issues. when i lived in virginia, i attended a church that was very anti-abortion, and a lot of people there made it seem like abortion was the one issue that mattered, that this one issue should determine which candidates to vote for. their stance and they way they declared it turned me off to politics, and it definitely turned me off to that church. i quit attending it soon thereafter (but for a number of other reasons, as well).

so here i am, about to write a paper on immigration. i haven't done much research yet, but it is certainly a hot topic here in california where our economy is built on the backs of immigrants, documented and undocumented, historical and current. (and not to mention that this land used to belong to mexico, so who's the immigrant?)

i remembered the other day an exercise we did in that high school government class. for about 3 weeks, we created a mock congress. we each were assigned to be senators from different states, and we were each required to bring forth 2 pieces of legislation, which then went to committee and some made it out of committee... to be honest, i don't even remember the full process. (anyone have that school house rock video of "i'm a bill" i could borrow??) what i do remember is that one of my bills was to increase the quota of immigrants allowed to enter the US annually. my bill didn't make it out of committee, and i was disappointed that i didn't even have a chance to argue my case.

perhaps that chance is now.

an old friend that came to visit:

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

while i'm at it...

i've been listening to the derek webb album "stockholm syndrome" this week. the news about jaycee lee dugard had me thinking about how someone can form a bond with their captor, a condition labeled "stockholm syndrome". i was thinking about how sin does the same with us... we find ourselves agreeing with the lies and the atrocities simply so we can live another day... it's a coping mechanism. and so it reminded me that it's the title of derek webb's album, and i love it. i don't know for sure if that's where derek was going with his title, but regardless of that connection, i have enjoyed the songs. the lyrics are insightful and thought-provoking. i may not agree with all the lyrics, but i appreciate derek's honesty and boldness to bring his hot-issues into the limelight.

short update

i've been thinking about blogging for a few days now, but i can't get my thoughts in order. writing definitely helps, but with the number of pages that need to be written in the coming weeks, i think i'd better save my best for them.

there is a wildfire burning just to the north of me. so far it has consumed over 105,000 acres. that's 164 square miles. it's big. my favorite professor's neighborhood was evacuated, but his house was just out of the evacuation zone. thankfully, the fires were kept out of his town and he and his neighbors are all fine. as i write this, mt wilson, the historic observatory that overlooks los angeles, is in danger. the fire is approaching from 2 directions, and it has been deemed too unsafe for the fire crews to maintain a physical presence there. the fire is mainly fuel-driven, which is better than wind-driven. but it's still more than a week away from being contained, so who knows how much will really burn.

all of that to say it is a weird thing to watch. from my balcony, i can see the fires glowing red at night. the smoke is unbearable at times, but thankfully most of it is being blown north of here, out of the los angeles basin. it's strange, this fire. it's so amazingly beautiful, as mesmerizing as a campfire but on a much grander scale. but it's also a bit like watching a tornado - amazing in its power and wrath, but you hope it doesn't go near any civilization.

i'm looking forward to writing some of my papers. other, not as much. we'll see what actually gets written in the next few weeks. i had one paper due tomorrow, but i decided to take the option that requires one long paper (due later) instead of 2 shorter ones (one of which is due tomorrow). i'm probably making the wrong choice and giving myself an excuse to put the work off even longer, but we'll see. it's for my prophets class. i'm going to be looking at fasting in the prophetic books - what fasting meant to different characters, what isaiah meant in ch 58, what purpose it served, and the spirituality of it. i'm looking forward to it, but not to writing the long essay that is now required (5000 word minimum, approx 20 pages!). ah, well.

#222

i have no words.

i talk a lot because i dance around some concept that i can't explain.

i have no words to describe the deepest longings of my heart, the impressions that certain lectures leave with me, the delights of an honest conversation. i have no words for these things that mean more to me than words themselves.

i find myself in conversations where i've long since lost the interest of the person dutifully listening, where i keep talking around some idea that i simply cannot find the words to express. sometimes i can get enough across to make sense of what i'm thinking and feeling. other times i simply frustrate myself and bore the other person.

one class i took this summer was "advocating for social justice". i feel completely at odds with the class. i hated taking it, it was quite a downer. there were definitely some good points, i'm sure i learned more than i think i did. but it was really hard. it was kind of like asking "what's the single greatest atrocity that exists today?" and hearing the answer 20 times over in every circumstance and situation and country possible. and there weren't many solutions offered, much to my dismay.

it seems like the two responses are to write your congressman, or devote your life to a cause.

i would LOVE to devote my life to a cause, i just can't pick only one!

i just watched a stirring video clip of a girl who is a teacher in nyc. she is definitely living her passion and her destiny, and it's quite inspiring - it kind of resonates deep within me in a "YYYESSSSS!" moment (one of those i don't have the real words to describe). that, to me, was a beautiful piece of advocacy.

i have to write a paper in the next few weeks on how to advocate for a specific issue to a church. i just have no idea where to start, what topic to delve into, or how to accomplish it. i see SO many needs that i am overwhelmed. i feel completely unequipped to effectively advocate for anything.

it leaves me thankful for the artsy types who can make a short video like that which is successful in reaching its audience.

i just have no idea how to do that.

i have no words.

today

before i even got out of bed today, i begged God to do something, to speak to me, to somehow do something big in me. and i think, in a weird way, He answered my prayer.

this week has been one of the hardest for me in a long time. which isn't to say anything, really, except that life is just hard sometimes.

but in the end, all i can do is live life one day at a time. part of me hates that, and i know that i want to fix all of my future right now. and part of me knows there is wisdom in planning ahead, too. but for now, all i can do is live today.

God has proven Himself to me with little graces yet again. yesterday, both of my coworkers greeted me with a hug. both of them hugged me goodnight at the end of the night. i've never hugged either one before, and when i saw them both tonight, there was no hugging. it was just a small, simple thing, for yesterday.

i have had several realizations this week that are tiny, but eventually will lead somewhere big. i am confident in that. in the midst of the craziness, there are small slivers of sanity that pull me through.

and so, today, i am choosing to trust God for the grace for today. i will choose to trust that He will give me all that i need for today. i will choose to trust that today, i will have enough, that He will be enough for me, and that i will not fall apart today.

dreams

my friend elizabeth is in cambodia right now. she's taking photos on a short-term trip about the children and women who are the victims of the sex industry. she's posting on her own blog (almondleaf) and on the blog for a sponsoring organization (silent images). on her latest silent images blog, universal red light, she talks to some of the sex workers in the red light district. her posting closes with a quote from one of the women: "Dreaming costs nothing... let's dream." Elizabeth exclaims: "It made my heart leap for joy with the hope that one day, just maybe, she’ll get to have that new life that we dreamt about together for her."

when i read this, i immediately thought "dreaming costs everything!"

in my self-care in mission class, we talked about grief and loss yesterday. there are 6 types of loss that we can experience and grieve, and one of them is an intrapsychic loss, the loss of an ideal or dream. perhaps i reacted so strongly above because of the 6 types of loss, this is the one i've experienced most deeply.

at the moment, i'm sorting through this one again. my journey this summer to find another housemate has been absolutely astounding. time and again, a great opportunity has arisen, i've gotten really excited about it and started thinking through what it would look like, and then it's not worked out. i'm exhausted. i'm so sick of closed doors and "no"s.

as of last saturday, the deal was almost done. i had 3 girls interested in moving in. sunday, one of them seemed to get more stable and another one less stable. monday, i realized the less stable one wouldn't work at all; down to 2. i checked in with both of them, both of them still strong maybes. tuesday, i got nervous waiting. wednesday, one of them backed out. since then, i haven't gotten in touch with the 3rd. she hasn't responded to my emails or voice mails, which sounds like avoidance to me. (though it is entirely possible that she has had a personal tragedy, or some other completely excusable explanation.)

i really, really thought i'd have this whole thing figured out by tuesday, wednesday at the latest. it's SO disheartening to have it be friday, and i get to renew my search all over again. i've been working on this since june! financially, i'm freaking out - i can't afford to keep paying rent-and-a-half! emotionally, i'm just not sure if i can do this again. it doesn't help that i'm doing it alone, that my other roommates (old and new) aren't able to help me. well, i take that back. they've both been a great consolation to me in the struggle, they just haven't been able to actively search. i have never been prayed for this much in my life. i have no idea what God is up to, or why it's taking so long to figure out.

i had no idea that my summer would be this stressful, that i would be this emotionally distraught over the whole thing. i have spent hours and hours online, looking for roommates, emailing them, thinking and praying about possibilities. so many of my friends on campus know, and ask me about it every time i see them. i'm so grateful for their concern and compassion, but i'm starting to feel like "the girl no one wants to live with". like it's becoming part of my identity.

so anyway, i covet your continued prayers. this dream has cost a lot, and it's not over yet.

thoughts from a brain-dead girl.

i don't like the name "don". or any name with a "G" in it, really. "Grace" might be an exception, solely for the definition of the word.

i ate a peach today, and i was thankful that it was much better than the last peach i ate.

i got a rejection email today for a job i applied for but wasn't sure i wanted.

i also applied for another job i'm not sure i want.

but i do know that i'm already dreading going to work again, and it's 44 hours away at this point.

i've never said this before: i can't wait for the summer to be over. i can't wait for a "normal", more manageable schedule and pace.

self-care in mission is still rocking my socks off. today we heard about third-culture kids, doing ministry as a family, and a little bit about boarding school. a seasoned couple came to speak to us, and we encouraged the wife to write a book. and together, they're hilarious! it was great.

old testament prophets is not rocking my socks off quite so much. it isn't nearly as good as i was hoping, especially for the number of hours i put into the work. i kind of freaked out tonight on the assignment and spouted off. the assignment was basically analyzing masculinity and womanhood in the book of hosea. i think if hosea's your source, your definitions of both are going to come out pretty whack, and i said as much on my assignment.

on the flip side, we studied jonah last week, and that was one of the best homework assignments i've ever done. why do you think jonah was written? as in, what is the "moral of the story"??

i checked a book out of the library today. the first time i've gone to the shelf, found the book myself, and checked it out since last fall. don't worry, i've checked out (a few) books since then. the library was under construction for 6 months and the staff had to go find books for us during that time. but now we're free to browse the shelves ourselves. yay! too bad i won't actually have time to read that book!

still working on housing stuff. it's crazy, man. i really hope, hope, hope this will all be over soon, and i'll be content with whatever roommate God gives me.

i really really miss rain and thunderstorms. i had no idea i'd miss thunder and lightning this badly.

i'm out. peace.

self care

i don't think i've talked much about my classes this summer. i am pretty sure i'm insane to take 3 classes and audit 2 others. i am currently in Old Testament Prophets, which is the first Bible class i've ever taken. it's pretty good, with Dr. John Goldingay. it's a 5-week class that meets twice a week for 3 hours each. there is homework due for each class, which he has designed to take about 5 hours. in addition, we post our homework online and we spend about an hour after each class responding to our classmates' homework. so all in all, it's about 18 hours a week of work for this class. ooooch.

one of the classes i'm auditing started monday, and it's a 2-week intensive (3 hrs/day), called "self care in mission." it's really good. so good that i was contemplating taking it for credit to make sure i got the most out of it. the exercises look really good, the reading looks really good, and overall it looks really beneficial. BUT, after the first day, i went to my other class completely brain-dead. i realized that i needed to practice a little self care and not overload myself. did i mention i'm also working 28 hours this week? yeah, i'm crazy. ;-)

so a few tidbits of why this class has already been amazing:

What is it in me that says, “I have to handle this all, all by myself?”
My spirituality that says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” doesn’t allow for growth or change in anyone else. There is value in conflict.

A tree planted by streams gives its fruit in season. Why do we think we have to bear fruit year-round?

my self-care that i already practice includes: baking cookies (as i've mentioned a few times ;-)), running, and photography

my primary vocation is of a child of God. my secondary vocation is the call God has put on my life, the things i'm passionate about. sometimes God doesn't tell us the secondary until we have a good grasp of the primary.

God cares more about HOW I live my life than the location of my ministry.

We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves, and so often we are taught to love our neighbors instead of ourselves.

ok, this next bit is directly from a powerpoint slide created by Kelly O'Donnell, but it's good definitions:
Member care – defined – Kelly O’Donnell
• The ongoing investment of resources by sending groups, service organizations, and workers themselves, for the nurture and development of personnel.
• It focuses on every member of the organization, including children and home office staff.
• It includes preventative, developmental, supportive, and restorative care.
• A core part of member care is the mutual care that workers provide each other. Workers receive it and they give it.
• Connecting with resources and people in the local/host community is also key.
• Member care seeks to implement an adequate flow of care from recruitment through retirement.
• The goal is to develop resilience, skills, and virtue, which are key to helping personnel stay healthy and effective in their work.
• Member care thus involves both developing inner resources (eg perserverance, stress tolerance) and providing external sources (eg team building, logistical support, skill training).

sound good to you? it sure does to me!!

there are certain "levels" or "spheres" of self care - a bullseye of care:
sphere 1: Master Care - my relationship with my Master
sphere 2: self care and mutual care, which are together and inter-related
sphere 3: sender care - the organization and/or church that sends me
sphere 4: special care - care by professionals including health, team-building, financial management, etc
sphere 5: network care - resourcing member care in all these areas

in order to be truly effective for the long-term, i need to decide on a plan, with my team, my family, and my organization to make sure there is a plan set for all these areas. i don't need to decide today what that looks like, but you can be sure that i will have an idea of this before i go anywhere else!

yeah, this stuff is good. i hope and pray that some of it can be a resource for you, too. if you want more info about the class (today was only day 2!) or the reading list or anything, let me know. i'd certainly love to chat with you about this in the future!



ps, have i mentioned how much i love coldplay? i've been listening to them nonstop for a few days now. oh, and their show a few weeks ago was pretty amazing. ;-) i didn't know it was possible to love them more after their show, but i do. it's true.

refreshing.

it's amazing, if i look for them, the small gifts God gives me everyday.

the sermon at church today was about loving God and loving others well. (my friend Lara did a great job giving it!) as she was speaking, a song came to mind that i learned last summer while preparing for my trip to nicaragua. she asked the worship band to come back up after she was done, and the first song they played was the one i was thinking of. i don't remember for sure if we've ever sung that song at church, at least not a sunday i was there. it was a nice little blessing.

after service, i was trying to move around a group of people to talk to a friend. a friend that was in the group (that i was sort of trying to avoid) came over to me and specifically asked about how my housing situation is panning out. i didn't even remember telling her about it, but told her how frustrated i was and how i was running out of options. she then asked if i had talked to a mutual friend of ours, which i thought was a good suggestion (and i still need to follow up on). then she mentioned that another friend of hers was looking for a place. i had heard this girl was looking for a place, but i wasn't sure if we would be compatible roommates. i had just been thinking of her, at the end of the sermon, wondering if God wanted to stretch me and grow me in learning to love her well, even though we are really different. immediately, my friend told me it wasn't a good idea. i hadn't even told her i was already hesitant! she then went on to list out several reasons that she thought it wasn't a good idea. oh. my. goodness. what a great confirmation! i'm so thankful that this friend sought me out and chatted with me a few minutes! and i'm glad to know that God still has this whole roommate/housing thing in control, that He was able to let me know that this wasn't the best option for me.

after church, i stopped at the supermarket for some groceries. my pantry is just about empty, but i couldn't think of many specific things i needed or wanted to eat this week. plus, i had committed that i would only buy what i could pay for in cash, which was $21. i got everything i needed to get through the week (i hope!) and still had enough left for a treat - a tub of caramel to dip apples in! and i still had $4 left!

when i got back, i went over to meet my friend wade. he wasn't home yet, but i did run into a couple of friends that i hadn't seen in a while and have a nice little chat with them. i like surprise run-ins like that when i have a few minutes to catch up! it makes me feel more connected here, to be able to continue relationships like that.

i did go back later to meet wade. he and his family are moving, and i will miss him very much! i had 2 classes with him, and he also used to work for starbucks, so he was a great sounding board for me. he proved his intelligence in "theology in a global perspective" and then i got to know him better in "community organizing". also, he hired and/or trained 3 of my current co-workers, so if i was confused about something about those 3 co-workers, wade could clue me in to what they were thinking, or what the official starbucks stance would be.

ANYWAY, that's wade. he and his next door neighbors (michael and abby, who i will also miss very much) had a yard sale yesterday before they move this week. i stopped by yesterday to ask if they had any dishes for sale. wade and his wife did, but they had a set of 4 large plates, 7 medium plates, 4 bowls, a creamer/sugar set, and a pitcher that they wanted to sell as a whole for $35. i was thinking $5. i just wanted the plates! it was a yardsale! i was very VERY reluctant to offer my price, which they finally pulled out of me (i didn't want to offend them! and it was a nice set!), which i upped to $10. wade made a deal with me that they would try to sell them the rest of the day, and if they didn't sell, he would sell them to me, the whole set, for $10. he g-chatted me yesterday just before i left for work and said "come get your plates!" so today, i did! it's a nice set, and i'm thankful! a steal for the whole thing at $10! and i have a pitcher now, too, that i can make lemonade in, or at least serve it from. ;-)

tonight there was a leadership meeting for church. as i walked to the church office, i ran into my friend laura, whose old room i am currently living in. she also worked with me at starbucks. we also had a great little conversation, which made me late for my meeting, but i didn't mind. ;-)

the leadership meeting itself wasn't anything astounding, but i found it very great to simply be in a conversation about life groups, the role of the church in the community, and missional church. i also enjoyed just praying with them. it was good to see another dimension to people other than what i see on sunday mornings. i have a few things that i want to think and pray more about later, too, which is almost a relief. ;-) also, after the meeting, i chatted with david and mark a bit. mark is an amazing man, and david is pretty awesome, too. david recently returned from a week in guatemala, so i joined their conversation to hear about his trip. mark then told a bit about a trip to costa rica that is coming up soon for him. OH MAN. it was SO great to talk about things overseas, especially church work. i was talking to sara yesterday about how i don't know what i want to do in the future. i realized after my conversation tonight that i had been feeling dead in the water for a bit now, but that conversation tonight was just a little air in my sails. i feel like i'm moving somewhere now. i don't know where, but i know a moving ship is easier to steer than a still one.

so how about all those refreshing tidbits for one day? praise God for hope!

decisions, regret, and God's sovereignty.

where do these things connect? where does grace intersect?

i usually am a very decisive person. multiple choice tests are usually pretty easy for me - either i know the answer or i don't. i choose an answer and i move on. i am generally a very capable person. i am independent, strong-willed, resourceful, and self-reliant. when i make decisions, i am able to follow through with them, sometimes by sheer will-power or force. once i commit to something, i'm in. i am there. i hate it when people commit something to me, then back out (as i'm sure i've mentioned before). i generally don't say i will do something, or go somewhere, if i am on the fence about it or don't know if it will work due to external circumstances. therefore, once i've made up my mind about something, i am completely invested in it.

this week has been one of the most trying weeks for me in regard to this decision-making process. i realize that once i internally decide something, i am quite emotionally invested in it. i made a choice to pursue an option, it didn't work out, and i'm crushed.

on the flip side, i realize now that several decisions i've made recently were the wrong choice, and i really regret those choices. if i ever play an ice-breaker game or something and the question is asked "what is your greatest regret?", i usually can't come up with one. i don't know what that says about me, but in general, regret is not an emotion i am accustomed to feeling. so when it hits me, it's like getting hit by a freight train. and that completely freaks me out.

due to the aforementioned emotional investment i have in making decisions, realizing i've made a bad decision is quite a roller-coaster of frustration, self-hatred, confusion, denial, anger, and self-pity. to realize i've made a series of bad decisions has been completely identity-shaking. not that one decision led to another, that's a different story. at least in that story there is a root issue to work out. in this one, i just don't know. at any rate, my self-confidence was shaken.

i am currently wondering if i can make a good decision at all. i wonder if i should make a decision, then do the opposite thing so that i know it will be a good decision. i wonder where my good judgement went, or what God is punishing me for. i feel like crawling under the table and not making any choices at all for 3 weeks. but letting things pass by is a choice in itself. so then i plead and beg with God to make the choices for me, knowing i don't have it in myself to make a good choice. i ask Him to make it clear to me, but i walk in a fog. and so i delay. i am wrapped in fear that i will make a wrong choice, a bad choice, and so i make no choice at all (which is effectively a bad choice). fear has paralyzed me twice now, debilitating me into making yet another bad decision. thankfully, thus far, the consequences of such decisions have been fairly minimal. because i'm beset by this fear, things that used to be hard are now nigh impossible.

i went to church on sunday at the salvation army. (i almost added "of norman" to the end of that statement out of an old habit.) i used to work for the salvation army (of norman) in their social services office while i was in college. but i never attended a church service. my friend aaron has some sort of ties with the salvation army, has attended this one previously, and invited me along with him to the sunday morning service. i pass it on my walk to my own church, so i'd seen it before and been curious, so i accepted his offer and we went. this isn't meant to be an evaluation of their church or service, and so i will continue with my point. the sermon was about ruth. i'm not sure if it was ever actually said, or just a thought that came to mind as a point was being made. i realized that ruth had to really go out on a limb, which was certainly not a familiar thing to her culturally, or something women did in that society, to win the favor of boaz. she stepped out in boldness, confidence. she didn't understand, but she took initiative, stepped out of her comfort zone, and did the thing that i would find hard even on my best day. and i know this is a fairly common lesson that we draw from Bible studies (be strong and courageous!), but it clicked with me on sunday.

i don't like to ask for things i don't deserve. i don't like to talk to strangers to set up a dentist appointment or change the name on the phone bill to my own. i don't like talking to someone in authority over me who seeminlgy has the power to bless me or curse me.

yet that's exactly the type of situation that ruth walked into. and God was faithful.

and i know, in KNOW that so many people are praying for me right now, in the decision that is facing me. other than mission trips, i think this is the most specific prayer i have ever asked for in my life thus far. yet nothing seems to be working out.

and so i ask, where does God's sovereignty play into this? and how much is my own effort i need to make? and how much am i responsible for myself? and how much is my fear simply holding me back, or is it God's way of keeping me in check so that i will KNOW that it is only Him that is moving on my behalf?

and how do i appropriate the grace for this situation?

random...

as inspired by elijah, today's post will be a collection of unprocessed (and incomplete) thoughts.

i ran into a friend a while back who was having a sudden, inexplicable, potentially very serious illness. i stopped and chatted for a minute and prayed for them. i'm not good at praying for people, it was more a random string of sentences. as i was praying for them again today, it seemed like the most pertinent prayer was for peace and joy. wisdom, discernment, clear communication for the doctors, all that was good, but somehow not as important as peace of mind for the patient, the peace that passes all understanding, and a joy in our confidence of our Creator seem more important.

i was talking with another friend about falling in love with the wrong person. i'm not really sure what to say about this, but it's been on my mind since we had that conversation. i'm not sure if i'd say i've ever been "in love", but i've certainly had some major crushes in my life. some of them seem more mature and based on seemingly legitimate things, but i clearly didn't end up with those guys. i did fall for a guy that was completely wrong for me, but it seemed fun at the time, so i nursed that crush. it wasn't serious, but if he had liked me back, it would have been disastrous. part of the conversation with my friend revolved around the trauma of having a broken heart, and having to end a relationship. and i suppose i am grateful for not having to have had that experience. i know plenty who have had to endure that, and i'm honestly not sure if i would recover.

i watched "watchmen" last night. i didn't really care about the movie at all, but some friends were getting together, so i joined in. the film was interesting... not what i expected, and certainly not a genre that i've ever particularly liked. we watched the director's cut, which was particularly violent and gruesome. i found myself pondering some of the lines of one of the characters. i don't even remember any of the character's names, but i did disengage at parts of the movie, marveling at the wisdom of some of the lines. one of them was essentially a reminder to me of the power and majesty of God - neither the least nor the greatest on earth has any sway against Him. i sometimes think i am in control, or at least the "powerful" are in control. none of us has or is anything apart from the One who give life to us.

heart heavy

i just sent brian off to return his rental car and fly back to the east coast. i will really miss him! i tried my hardest to get him to move out here, and as much as he loved it, i don't think that is happening any time soon.

we stayed up talking until 2am (5am his time!), and it was really good. but it was also quite bittersweet: i really miss having deep heart to hearts that are sprinkled with Truth. i know there are many friends here who would be at my side instantly should something traumatic or big ever happen, but it's the day-to-day-life intimacies that i really miss. and i am certainly really thankful for the other perspective that was shared. i really need that. it was also really good to be told that my feelings are legit, that i'm not crazy, and yes, life does suck sometimes but that doesn't mean it's my "fault". it's good to know there are somethings i can lay down responsibility for. i'm just grateful to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with someone who has known me for longer than 10 months!

and so, as i stare at the mountain of frustrations ahead of me (finding roommates, paying bills, applying for jobs, working on school projects, trying to decide the rest of my future), my heart is heavy. i don't want to go back to reality! i had a lot of fun playing tour guide these last several days!

but the show must go on. *sigh*

stuck.

i feel stuck right now. emotionally i am all over the page, and i just want someone to affirm that i'm not crazy (but i know i'm waaay over-reacting). and i don't feel like i can be open here, either, because my friend will criticize me for being too open with the whole world. which may be true, too, but so far, to my knowledge, no one has ever used what i've written here against me. or if they have, it hasn't gotten back to me.

so some really benign things have happened that leave me doubting myself and feeling worthless. it really is dumb stuff, but it's all hit a nerve. i absolutely hate when people back out on plans (even if for completely legitimate or unforeseeable reasons). i absolutely hate being kept in the dark (even when unintentional) when it changes my own plans and preparation. these situations make me feel like i'm not important, that i'm not worth keeping in the loop, that i don't matter as much as other people.

and since i'm already feeling lonely and without a "group" here, these feelings just compound that. it really sucks. though i'm also sure that if i weren't complaining about this, i'd find plenty else to complain about. it all pisses me off, and i'm hurt.

because of my hurt and frustration, i'm less likely to step out again to make plans.

so to those of you who keep your word, who make plans and follow through, i thank you. i do appreciate it.

brutal.

today was brutal.

i'm taking a 1-week intensive, and today i just about walked out in the middle. just one more day to go, just one more day to go. as i walked home, i chatted with my friend brian, and i asked him how he decompresses after an afternoon like that. he said he asks his wife to take their baby for 20 minutes and just let him collapse on his bed. that doesn't really work for me, so i did what i do best: bake cookies.

as i mixed together the ingredients, i thought about why today was so bad. the past 3 days were rigorous, but not exhausting. well today, we hit on every topic that i haven't quite figured out yet, or that i have reservations about, or that is just plain hard for me to internalize and live out, at least these topics that are relevant to the class: Effective Witness in Muslim Contexts.

the professor goes by 2 names, one in America and another overseas and in literature, and i don't know if i'll choose the right one and inadvertently "out" him, perhaps. so i'll just say that he's an amazing man, with wisdom well beyond his years. he loves the Lord, he loves Muslims, and he is very intelligent. i highly respect this man and am so appreciative of this opportunity to learn from him. he teaches this class as a discipleship session, with great humility and a desire to learn, himself.

but today was tough.

we started out by talking about working on a team, and specifically, peacemaking. it was an impromptu "teaching moment", but filled with truth that i find it easy to agree with and hard to live by. several of the things that were mentioned i instinctively thought "no way!" i know he's right, and i have a lot of growing to do in keeping short accounts, opening the way for communication, and quickly forgiving. he did talk about the importance of having a "peacemaking plan" in mind even before conflict arises. it makes sense. he recommended a book, Peacemaking, by Rick Love. i haven't read it (or even seen a copy in person), but i thought i'd throw out the reference if anyone is interested.

we talked about women in the Muslim world. i highly recommend two books (that were both required reading for the class) that have illumined my understanding of the cultural and religious aspects of the woman in the Muslim world. one is Miniskirts, Mothers & Muslims by Christine Mallouhi. The other is Touching the Soul of Islam by Bill Musk. but understanding doesn't make it easier to accept. when i was in Turkey 7 years ago, one of the hardest things for me was this huge emphasis on differentiating the genders. i have friends that are male, and i can't imagine not being friends with them, even while i desire to honor and respect the customs of my adopted country. it's hard for me to accept that if i lived in a Muslim country, i couldn't have the same conversation with brian as described above. i just can't wrap my head around it, nor at the moment choose to embrace it. that would require a level of grace that i don't have the strength to even ask for yet.

we talked about inner healing and deliverance prayer today, too. these are both tremendously needed and essential to the effective spread of the Kingdom, but i have my reservations. i have grown a lot and matured in respect to these supernatural events, but it's still hard for me to accept them or pursue them, much less practice them. it's hard. i've been wounded and frustrated by these types of prayer ministries and other "acts" of the Holy Spirit. it's just a touchy subject for me, but it was definitely good to be reminded of their importance in this type of ministry.

we talked about "dialogue", as in Muslim/Christian dialogue and Evangelical/Mormon dialogue. we were talking about using it as a tool or mode of witness, which is another subject i can't wrap my head around. doug mcconnell, our dean, came in and talked about this for about 30 minutes this afternoon. he's just published 2 papers on the subject and definitely knows a lot. but when we talks, man, it's like trying to drink from a firehose. everything he says is meaty, but i still didn't quite catch his bottom line. therefore i had a limited framework from which to understand what he was talking about, so i was confused and overwhelmed for most of the 30 minutes. it was good to discuss so that i get more comfortable with it, but it was tough.

we concluded the class by creating a list of modes of witness to Muslims. it was an interesting list we came up with, but it raised several deep questions: What do we mean by "witness"? What is the core of our message, without which there is no salvation? What is the "line" that must be crossed for someone to enter the Kingdom of God? What do we mean by "Kingdom of God"? What is the core of the church? what is a believer? at first, these questions seem elementary enough, but they go deep.

man, i don't do well with ambiguity. i like to have things figured out and well-organized in my brain. which is why i resort to making cookies when all else fails.

on top of being in class 6 hours a day for the week, and auditing (attending lectures) for another class (2 nights a week for 3 hours a night), there is a LOT else going on. i have to work tonight, and thankfully that's my first shift this week. my roommate robyn is moving out tomorrow and we don't have anyone else moving in, which means we'll be charged her rent until we find someone, ugh. there is a LOT up in the air - who moves in? do we move out? where do we go? it seems like there are a million ways this could all play out, but we have no way of knowing. i have a lot of other things on my mind, too, that all seem overwhelming, so please pray for me and my sanity!

3am thoughts

after a wonderful weekend back in VA with my family and friends, i came back to CA with a cold. i promised my group for a class that i would finish the paper that is due friday by last night so they could look over it in time to make changes, so i was trying to work hard on that last night. while at home, i met up with some great friends who i met through a young adults church group (called 1830) that i was on the leadership team for.

exhausted, i went to bed at 11pm PT, 2am ET, but i didn't sleep well. i had taken some cold medicine that might have wound me up. i was definitely stressed about the paper i was working on. i also was still mentally trapped between 2 worlds - VA and CA. all of these things may have had an effect on my not sleeping well.

i woke up at maybe 3am with some deep thoughts going through my head. some were for the paper i was writing, in the transformational development section, some i thought were for the paper i was writing, but they sounded a lot like the vision i had for 1830 a few years ago. it also sounded like some of the personal strengths i should have put into a paper i wrote a few weeks ago, or like part of the "personal ministry calling" section of a paper i finished a week ago. as i drifted back to sleep, i thought about how it should apply to the church as a whole, and also to oasis pasadena, in particular (my church here). i also thought that i want to be a person, no matter where i am or what churches or organizations or schools i am affiliated with, who engenders these things.

- empowering people to live the life they have reason to value

- promoting human dignity

- inviting them to join with us:
- to discover their God-given gifts
- to become equipped to use them
- to now go and serve

Lord, make me a person who speaks life instead of criticism. help me promote the gifts i see in others, even at the expense of my own fame or popularity. grant me the trust and grace to delegate to others i want to keep for myself. help me let people go to send them into new ministries.

mama's hot tamales!

my community organizing class works with mama in macarthur park. the last bit of this clip is from "tamales de la paz", an event a few weeks ago promoting peace and unity with the city government, police, and the community. it was a great event that we attended as a class - i can see some of my friends in the background! mama's makes the best tamales, so if you come visit, we'll grab lunch there! it's stuff like this that we're learning to do in community organizing, and i LOVE it. it's amazing stuff. mama's is also opening a kitchen workspace in pasadena for entrepreneurs to learn more and rent out for their businesses.

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classes this quarter...

so i promised this a long time ago, but i didn't ever get around to it, sorry.
i'm not very motivated this quarter. i think i wore myself out last quarter, and now i'm doing it again! none of my classes is spectacular, but none is terrible, either, which is good! so here's the run down...


development tools and practices
actually, this class is over now! it was a 2-week intensive that ended last friday. it was a class about, well, tools and practices that we can use when doing development. we had several guest lectures, including Ravi Jayakaran, the developer of the 10-Seeds Technique. 10-Seeds is a participatory poverty alleviation and development tool to gain information about a community and help the community see their needs and assets in new ways. we also talked about property rights, appreciative inquiry, micro-enterprise development, and sustainable agriculture. all in all, it was a good class. honestly, i'm a little ashamed at how little i learned the second week. i'm not sure i really could have done any better, my brain was full and i didn't get a chance to process much. i have a few papers to write as assignments for that class, and i'll see how i feel after writing the first 2 papers this afternoon. in general, i feel this class would have been more beneficial if i had already been in situations where these tools would have been helpful. as it is, i can just add it to my tool belt and hope for the best in the future. btw, the class was "taught"/organized by my favorite teacher, bryant myers. go bryant! and yes, he was in the back of the class on facebook one day. i love this guy!

community organizing
technically, i'm auditing this class, but it's a really involved audit. and i'm excited because i get to try out some of the things i learned in development tools and practices. we're working in a community in LA, the MacArthur Park/Westlake area, just west of downtown. this is a largely central american community, but there are plenty of others around. it used to be a mecca for drugs and violence, but now it's a mecca for fake IDs. mama's hot tamales has been instrumental in this change. tonight there's an event we're going to called "Tamales de la Paz", so i'm pretty excited about it!

this class has been interesting thus far... the point is basically to do research in the community and present our findings to the pastor of a church in the community, assessing its assets, needs, and opportunities for further development - spiritually, physically, economically. i'm a little overwhelmed, but i'm excited. this class is taught by michael mata, in conjunction with world vision.

culture and transformation
this class is taught by sherwood lingenfelter, who is also the provost here at fuller. he's an interesting man, and this class, in a way, is a review of how important culture is. so far, i haven't learned much new material, but i am putting it together in new ways and reviewing material and refreshing it in conjunction with my new experiences. i'm not very excited about my group project for this class, which is the assignment i'm presently putting off by writing this post. the class reading is good, though, and it gives me new frameworks and ways to describe things, which makes my organizational self happy.

teamwork and leadership
this class is co-taught by the SIS dean, Doug McConnell, and Shelley Trebesch. the first class was a little painful (boring lecture, unclear assignments), but it's gotten better. Doug is a great lecturer: engaging, realistic, and personable. i love him. the group project for this one is more to my liking. my team is GREAT, and we've decided to create a framework for a church to engage a local international community by creating an ESL Cafe. right up my alley, maybe i'll even try to implement it at my church!

so that's my quarter in a nutshell. some good stuff, some hard stuff, and some stuff i'm just not motivated for (so what's new?).

time to get to work!!!