hurt by the church

when we say we've been "hurt by the church", what do we really mean? the church is just people, right? do we really mean that we've been hurt by pastors, those in positions of authority within specific congregations? are we hurt because people within the church have hurt us and leaders stood idly by and let that hurt happen? or created structures that allowed that hurt to happen? or knew about it and didn't stop it? part of me is really wondering, part of me is wanting to really look at my own experiences and how i describe them.

i say that i've been hurt by my "the church". but really, i mean that i've been hurt by members of that church. a situation occurred and others jumped in to help the affected person. and in the process, i was hurt. and really, my hurt seemed illegitimate and petty. so then i felt ashamed that i was hurt. and i was angry and embarrassed, and i felt that i didn't have the right to feel that way. so i was angry with myself for responding so selfishly in being hurt. and no one checked in on me, or in any way validated my hurt or even addressed it. or any of my emotions, really, that were by now, way over the top. i had so much self-hatred that i'm sure it affected me in ways i don't even understand to this day.

i was talking to a friend today about this topic, and as she was sharing her story of being hurt but the pastor taking good care of her. it was a very redemptive, restorative, healing moment for her. i started crying in realizing that i haven't had anything of the sort, nor am i even brave enough to bring it up. all of this happened so long ago in the past, yet i am still ashamed of how i felt. and i'm probably ashamed even now of how i dealt with it (or didn't deal with it, i didn't know how).

but how is that "hurt by the church"? did i let anyone know what was going on? the situation was carried out in good faith by others, but it still affected me. it wasn't exactly a ministry of the church (nothing official), but it was clear that the relational bounds of those involved only existed because of the friendships formed through the church. is that enough to classify "the church"? or is it that no one else stepped in to help? or could they have? what is it that i am really holding against "the church"?? i'm not really sure, but i'm standing my ground.

and God, heal my heart.