shriveled.

that's how i feel. i thought tonite, for the first time in a long while, about what it would feel like to be in a place where i feel completely at peace, delighting in knowing that i am doing something i was MADE to do. i don't even think about it as a possibility anymore, so i haven't thought about it in a long, long time. my heart is shriveling and dying a slow, painful death.

i used to have "the morocco job" as a far distant hope, almost a treat dangling from a fishing pole above my head. it kept me going and motivated, in a way, at least letting me think, "well, i can keep going right now because i know that by january, there's a decent chance i'll be out of this place, doing something i want to do, and was at least partly fulfills the i-was-made-to-do-this category." but that hope has crashed and burned with the fateful interview last week.

i was talking with 2 people that are in similar situations to me tonite. one of them is in a healthy enough place to think that she feels like joseph - she feels like all of her odd job experiences and hard things she is going thru are like joseph in jail, learning things that somehow all came together to be 2nd in command of all of egypt. the thought of having to be in a place like this, living at home, for even another year is enough to make me want to vomit, or worse. i can't imagine being here for 30 years. i just can't do it. i would walk away entirely and move far away first.

i know that until i adopt a better attitude i will just be miserable, and it's my own fault. but things suck and i have no hope of them changing anytime soon. so in the meantime, i'm just glad i'm keeping relatively busy so i don't have to be alone with my thoughts and boredom.

in all honesty, working at starbucks is a godsend. but it just isn't enough. financially, relationally, or my-place-in-life-ally. i could still be subbing full time. ugh. but then i wouldn't be so far in the hole still.

better.

i'm feeling a bit better today. a nice long chat at girls' night helped that... it was great to take my mind off of things, and just have a couple people listen as i verbally processed. i feel like all, or at least most, of my relationships have been pretty bad recently. i've just had no patience (no, really?!) for the issues and people that bug me most. i know i need to change that, and i am so grateful for all of my friends that have put up with my mood swings and bitchiness in the last several months. you guys are great. and thanks for your prayers. i still need them.

no job in morocco....

after 3 questions, my 2 interviewers ascertained that i don't have enough independent travel experience to justify giving me a job, so they ended the interview early. they did encourage me to "get out there" and travel a lot more on my own, not in groups or with friends, and then re-apply.

so now excuse me while i cry, and pray that my broken heart and dead dreams won't kill me.

now i'm really not sure, at all, what i should even consider for plans for the future, or what dreams to have.

tonight was my first french class. but now that i clearly don't have any hope of returning to morocco, or really, any french-speaking, or even foreign country, i don't know if it is worth the $500 i paid. my only goal now is to get out of debt so that i can save enough money to travel again.

my mom just pointed out that we prayed that God's will would be done, so this is clearly not His will, but that is no consolation at this point.

but thanks anyways.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TO BE A TOUR GUIDE IN MOROCCO!!!!!!!!!!! it will be one day next week, via phone (the head office is in melbourne, australia). PRAY FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, i am so excited! they are currently hiring for leaders in morocco, with training to start in late july in egypt. if i get hired. i don't know if this is a preliminary interview or what, but I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

storm.

there's a beautiful storm north of here. if i weren't so afraid of my own thoughts, i would sit outside and watch it. (or if i had a roommate instead of living with parents.)





my whole life, i've lived withing other people's definitions. i know my actions will always be defined and put in boxes that will somehow describe who i am. but i am tired of deciding what to do based on what boxes it will look like i fit into. some friends have been talking about the freedom they have found in the verse "if i were still trying to please men, i would not be pleasing God" (dianne's paraphrase). i think i want to step out of more boxes. i don't fit into many of them, anyway, except all the "other" boxes.

i have a degree in a subject i am passionate about and is fairly unique, but i'm not passionate about it enough to pursue a career in it.

i love Jesus. but i don't love the american church, or the evangelical right, or my culture's definitions of Christianity, religion, or spirituality. or really, my church's definition of Christianity.

i am a terrible know-it-all with no "ambition" and not much "direction". i'm almost 24 and i've never kissed anyone. i love my cat and am a product of my generation in ways i'm discovering every day.

and that's just the start.