more authentic community

"This is how my parents' community works. They don't have endless meetings and minutes. When there is a birth, the aunties know immediately. When someone dies, it doesn't take long for the food rotation to be set up. It is from my parents that I learned my first lesson of community organizing: You must first have a community, one that you share joy with as well as suffering. My parents had a certain amount of respect and trust among their friends. It hit me that being trustworthy was essential to being involved in community work, and being worthy of this trust took a lifetime. My parents knew they could call on people because they knew the community could call on them."

This sounds like Acts 2 in real life. But it isn't. It's a Pakistani woman's lesson learned from watching her parents and their friends after the earthquake that shook northern Pakistan in October 2005. The author and her parents live in the US, but her mother is originally from a village that was devastated by the earthquake. (It's taken from the essay "If This Were My Family: Relearning Important Lessons of Organizing After the Earthquake" by Bushra Rehman, published in Voices of Resistance: Muslim Women on War, Faith, & Sexuality, edited by Sarah Husain.)

The whole story is gripping, to me at least. As soon as they heard of the quake, they were on the phone, learning of the devastation, organizing their network of connections to send food, water, clothing and other supplies to friends and relatives 2 days faster than the government sent any assistance. Wow. The author's parents even went themselves, and lived alongside friends and family in makeshift tents, in northern Pakistan. This was their community, and they wanted to make a difference. In fact, they felt they had no option but to get involved. Where is this drive in my own life?

"While watching my parents, I couldn't believe that all these years I saw them as old-fashioned and myself as the radical one. Watching them in action, I relearned teh most important lessons of activism: The strongest, most effective form of community activism is not complicated. It comes from a sense of family, love, urgency. It's not something that can be taught in a college classroom or learned from a book. It comes from a sincere belief that we are in this world together and must take care of each other, as well as ourselves. How different my own activism would be if every time something happened, I asked myself, 'What would I do if this were my family?'"

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!! I GOT A JOB AT STARBUCKS!!
i'm working at the starbucks at la promenade, near hilltop. it's in the shopping center on laskin road, between the aldo's italian restaurant and talbots... sound familiar to anyone?

i start on monday, and i'm so excited! and guess what?!
MY BOSS IS MOROCCAN!! yeah, she's a french speaking moroccan lady, and i'm so excited! have i mentioned that yet? so if i want to learn french and arabic, which i do, i can practice with her!

i'm scared. i don't want to take out my nose piercing. i am overwhelmed, yet bored.

trust and faith can be hard, but good.

i love my cat. on occasion, he was the only reason i stayed in VB.

africa is on my mind. so is pakistan. interesting. anyone heard of TIMO?

i like languages. i was subbing for a spanish teacher today, and it was fun how much of the conversation between other teachers i understood! i want to learn more languages.

a million more thoughts/emotions/issues

ok, so according to my personality trait (ISTJ), i value family very highly and am offended when family members choose their friends over me. but maybe that's just for the older folks with that trait? or maybe i'm just not fitting the mold? or it's a regional thing (apparently southern and midwestern families are closer)? or it's just that i don't have a very close family myself? at any rate, i feel like my FRIENDS are my family, and i AM offended when they choose their families over their friends. i do. i feel like they've got their priorities messed up. and honestly, as far as my family goes, i don't love them like i should. i am generally indifferent to them. i mean, i do have a good relationship with my parents and sisters, but... i dunno, it's just not like other families i know. and this past Christmas, i just DID NOT want to be there!

so love is a choice. i've thought about that in relation to marriages: at some point in my marriage, i know i will have to choose to love my husband, or divorce will be an option. i'd never thought of that in relation to family until this week. to be honest, i don't really want to love my family. i mean, i do love them to some extent, but on a day to day basis, like i mentioned before, i am indifferent. i don't want to be living with my parents. i'm sick of "dealing" with them, and i know they are sick of "dealing" with me. i don't want to serve my dad when i think he is being lazy, i don't want to obey my mom when the chores she asks me to do are a fraction of what i would do if i lived on my own. i get annoyed at things that wouldn't bother me if other people did them: they're family. BUT, love is a choice. love is patient, love is kind... love is self-sacrificing. i know that in my head, and i am willing to love some of my friends that way. some friends i would do just about anything for, and when they have a need, i am offended that they DON'T ask me! but it is so hard to do with my family. Lord, help me to want to love them!

there are other choices to be made. things to decide to believe when they don't feel true. i have to choose what direction my heart will take. i have to choose to believe that even tho i feel "lost" in life with no direction and purpose, there will come a day when i do have direction and purpose. i mean that i know my future involves long term church planting efforts among the unreached, but what that looks like or where it will be or the timing on it are all a mystery to me at this point. and even tho i don't like what i'm doing with my life right now, i must live this season of life to get to that point. it sucks, but i have to choose to have a good attitude about it. i usually don't want to. but the alternative, the depressed, anxious, hopeless state i was in last year, is not an option.

that's it for now. or at least all i'm willing to divulge at this hour.

life.

so i turned down work today to do something that didn't work out. there were no guarantees, and it was my choice, but man.

so many of my friends are embarking on marriage and kids. i don't think i can relate.

i had some crazy dreams last nite/this morning. they were a lot more interesting than reality, so i kept sleeping.

what happened to the "safety" of college? even tho it was hard some days, and i had to do homework and presentations and projects i didn't want to do, i still had something to get up for everyday, i had tons of amazing friends that i saw all the time, i had a cool apt (sr yr) that was perfect for warm spring days like today. oh, and of course, it warms up out there a lot faster than it does here. i really miss spring in oklahoma.

i feel like i can't enjoy my "days off". in the past, i would cherish days off to lounge around, read the whole paper, catch up on emails or other things online, love on my cat, curl up with a good book, get some things done that i had intended to do for a while, etc. but that is all the "norm" of my life. i don't want to read outside of school, cos then i get sick of it that much faster (i can only read about 20 hrs a week before i don't want to read anymore). i spent all day saturday catching up on chores and cleaning (and wore myself out in the process).

i know some people would love to be in my situation, but i'm sick of it. again. not to mention there have been several mentionings from my parents (mostly in jest, but still...) of me moving out of my parent's house. i wish i could move. but i don't have a job. what happened? what has happened with my life?

i was thinking about it last nite, and God promised that He would meet all my needs. and He has. not the way i want Him to, but He has. He didn't promise to meet all my wants, just my needs. i do have a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over my head and food in my belly. my needs are met.

so i should try to be thankful.

gosh, i hate this crappy mood.

negativity? contrary-ness?

so, i have been thinking and praying a lot about what my "deal" with kpc is. i have realized that mentally, when it comes to almost everything said and any kpc-er i talk to (who i'm not pretty close with and trust whole-heartedly), i am very contrary. that's pretty much the bottom line of all my issues with kpc.

whenever someone mentions something, i think the opposite. for example, a friend was telling me about this hard time her family is going thru, but that she's ok with it cos she knows God has worked out so much of it already and a ton of people have been praying for them. i kept thinking of all the ways God's provision was actually natural, or maybe it's even a good thing that her family is having to endure this, when she is thinking that it is all an attack of the enemy. i, of course, held my tongue and tried to empathize and encourage her, and decided to just pray for her, rather than voice my contrary opinion.

it happens the "other" way, too... when a friend is complaining or expressing frustration with someone, i am quick to give the other party the benefit of the doubt, or help explain why they might act that way. or find fault with my friend, saying that he/she doesn't have the proper perspective to deal with the situation in the "right" way. (like i know what the "right" way is!)

honestly, i'm very quick to do it with my dad, too, especially when he is driving. no matter what choice he makes (which turn lane? how long to leave the blinker on?), i find fault with it.

i'm pretty ashamed to admit all this, but i need help! i need to be honest about what's going on. i need to change my thought patterns. but here's a problem. i know that to fight this sin, i need to come at it with the opposite spirit. but i don't know what that is in this case. i don't think it's just "agreement" with everything, cos there are some things that are legitimately wrong, and we often need opposing viewpoints in our lives to give us a fuller picture. plus that could be a boundaries issue.

so what is the opposite attitude to have? i know i need to pray more to see God's perspective in all things, and for His love for them, but is that it? is there more to it than this?

i have been thinking recently about how satan is quick to put division and strife within the church to limit its effectiveness. and i know he is succeeding with me! i just don't want him to! i want to be loving... "they will know you are My disciples by your love for one another."

part of me wants to just give up and go to another church, where i don't have history and tensions in what is going on. where i will inherently trust people and trust God in them, not be skeptical and cynical, like i am almost all the time with kpc. it is so hard for me to get anything out of the message or even to worship because i'm so skeptical of any works of the Spirit that happen in church, and i find fault with the style of worship (no matter who is leading or what songs are sung), and i am never quick to give grace and encourage the leaders.

but i think this season of my life is to somehow work on this and learn to walk with and work with and love people that i don't naturally like. there are some folks at kpc that i just don't like, on a personal, relational level. but i know they are still my brothers and sisters in Christ, and even tho we will never become best friends, i need to learn to love them and welcome them and their giftings as a more complete fulfillment of the body of Christ, working together. so i don't just want to give up. but i do.

i can't believe i'm actually writing this out, admitting it to whoever decided to check my blog.

personailty...

ok, so i'm somewhere between ISFJ and ISTJ... here are the "traits"/explanations from both that agree with how i feel:

ISFJ
"characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed.""
-yes, except my desire to serve has been way surpassed by my selfishness

"their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical."

"capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties"

"They are extremely loyal to these (few, close friends), and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice."

"the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it."
-true in the sense that i don't give up easily on "old" friendships


ISTJ
"a keen sense of right and wrong"

"often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss."
-but i'm learning

"They seem to perform at highest efficiency when employing a step-by-step approach."

"easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments."
-YUP.

"when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact."
-but i'm trying to learn gentleness in love

sound about right?

yuck

so besides my long run monday, i haven't run all week. i'm lazy. it's cold. i'm sick of it being cold. i just haven't made myself do it. uuugh. the race next week (!) is going to kill me.

in other news, one starbucks rejected me, so i applied at another one. it's been a week and i haven't heard anything. i've subbed more than "usual"... 4 days last week, 3 this week, and a job lined up for mon already.

my kids my first 2 blocks today were excellent... well, much better than i would have attributed to 9th grade core/inclusion english students. first block was apparently amazing, according to the inclusion TA. second block was so quiet! it helped that there were 6 absent. they thought they had a project due today, so one kid thought that's why so many didn't show. i had a study block 3rd block... SO much better than the cafeteria duty i was supposed to have! then 4th block... man, oh man... i wrote a really long note to the teacher that started with "HOLY COW!! I am amazed that you actually try to teach these kids all the time! This is the perfect example of "one bad apple ruins the bunch"!" for serious.

and i'll miss my 2 favorite girls who aren't going to be at 1830 tonite. argh.

so the doorbell rang a few mins ago, and as i stood up to open it, i tripped over my laptop cord and bit it hard. i actually ripped a hole in my jeans on the corner of the coffee table. the same corner tried to rip into my leg, and i immediately got one of those swollen purple bruises. i have a frozen steak on it now, but it's going to be painful for a while.

looking back on it, today really wasn't that bad. on my lunch break, one teacher walked in and said, "i hear you're a good sub! news travels fast around here!" before yesterday, i've never subbed at that school, so fast, indeed! but it was just the compliment that got me thru 4th block.

i need a nap. i'm going to be pretty crabby at 1830 tonite, i can already tell. as "anonymous" says, "why do church relationshits have to be so hard?!"

on that happy note, please pray for me. i have to decide in the next few weeks about a possible missions trip this summer. i really want to go, but it will cost more than all 7 of my other trips combined. yeah, seriously. plus, i am afraid i want to go for the wrong reasons. please pray that God will make it clear if i'm supposed to go or not, and if so, that He would direct all our steps and provide abundantly for all our needs - financial, political, spiritual, emotional, health-ical (sorry, i just had to!), etc.

signed, needing a TON more of Jesus,
d

running is hard

i'm so so thankful this winter has had as many warm days as it has... it has made running that much easier.

on sunday, i was too busy for my "long" run, so i went on monday, instead. i really really didn't want to go, but i knew i should. it was the first day in my training for the 8k that i really just had to force myself to do it - sheer will power. it reminded me a lot of boot camp, actually, and i remembered some of the lessons i learned in PT in boot camp.

i remembered that i prayed during PT, "help me, Jesus!" and i actually believed He would. and He did! i recited memory verses and sang encouraging songs in my head on the really hard days, just to get my mind off the pain my body was in. so i found myself praying yesterday, too, "Jesus, help me!" it seemed like a selfish thought, and silly, too, but it was a reminder that God cares about ALL the stuff going on in my life. He's the god of the big stuff and the little stuff. and i found that praying, and expecting God to help me, doesn't mean it will be easy. it just means that i will find the grace and strength to keep going.

sometimes in my life, when stuff gets really hard, i pray and expect God to make it easy, all at once, right now. but it doesn't work that way. sometimes life just sucks. sometimes it is really hard. sometimes i just have to walk thru things, trusting that God is still in control and has my best interest at heart. and He always does, and it always is a good thing, but man, it HURTS sometimes. and just praying about it, or "releasing it to God" is not a quick fix. it isn't a bandaid for life's pains and suffering. Jesus suffered a lot and says we will, too. pain is not always a bad thing. yes, it's painful, but it doesn't mean it's bad. physical pain or emotional or spiritual.

asking God for help means, to me, that i am committing to do whatever is put before me, and i am expecting Him to come close, to speak truth to me, to heal wounds, to give grace that teaches me to say no to ungodliness, and/or to spur me on with endurance and hope.

that's a nice little flashback/reality check for me.