a million more thoughts/emotions/issues

ok, so according to my personality trait (ISTJ), i value family very highly and am offended when family members choose their friends over me. but maybe that's just for the older folks with that trait? or maybe i'm just not fitting the mold? or it's a regional thing (apparently southern and midwestern families are closer)? or it's just that i don't have a very close family myself? at any rate, i feel like my FRIENDS are my family, and i AM offended when they choose their families over their friends. i do. i feel like they've got their priorities messed up. and honestly, as far as my family goes, i don't love them like i should. i am generally indifferent to them. i mean, i do have a good relationship with my parents and sisters, but... i dunno, it's just not like other families i know. and this past Christmas, i just DID NOT want to be there!

so love is a choice. i've thought about that in relation to marriages: at some point in my marriage, i know i will have to choose to love my husband, or divorce will be an option. i'd never thought of that in relation to family until this week. to be honest, i don't really want to love my family. i mean, i do love them to some extent, but on a day to day basis, like i mentioned before, i am indifferent. i don't want to be living with my parents. i'm sick of "dealing" with them, and i know they are sick of "dealing" with me. i don't want to serve my dad when i think he is being lazy, i don't want to obey my mom when the chores she asks me to do are a fraction of what i would do if i lived on my own. i get annoyed at things that wouldn't bother me if other people did them: they're family. BUT, love is a choice. love is patient, love is kind... love is self-sacrificing. i know that in my head, and i am willing to love some of my friends that way. some friends i would do just about anything for, and when they have a need, i am offended that they DON'T ask me! but it is so hard to do with my family. Lord, help me to want to love them!

there are other choices to be made. things to decide to believe when they don't feel true. i have to choose what direction my heart will take. i have to choose to believe that even tho i feel "lost" in life with no direction and purpose, there will come a day when i do have direction and purpose. i mean that i know my future involves long term church planting efforts among the unreached, but what that looks like or where it will be or the timing on it are all a mystery to me at this point. and even tho i don't like what i'm doing with my life right now, i must live this season of life to get to that point. it sucks, but i have to choose to have a good attitude about it. i usually don't want to. but the alternative, the depressed, anxious, hopeless state i was in last year, is not an option.

that's it for now. or at least all i'm willing to divulge at this hour.