Wednesday, November 26, 2008

things i'm thankful for:

my computer
wifi in class
rain
chacos
plastic spoons
U2
my job
the office
maps
norwegian friends
health
chapstick
an oven
chocolate!
tina fey as sarah palin
charlie hall
shampoo
keens
target within walking distance
airplanes
other countries to visit
the minimal spanish i know
smiles and laughter
cell phones
paul bettany
instant message, skype, and email
radar
tv on the internet
the Holy Spirit
thai food
diet dr pepper
the ocean
hiking
the mountains
house church
thursday am prayer
my 3 asian groupmates
small world connections
australian accents
being on facebook in class
sleep
coffeemate
chocolate and mint together
jack johnson
pizza
long walks and talks, whether in person or on the phone
care packages from my girls
chairs
honest conversations
friends all over the world
thunderstorms
the color blue
chex bars
itunes
national parks
blogs
linear thinking
fog
decentralized (non)institutions
chick-fil-a
dancing
good books
curly hair
zephyr's
that i don't live in eastern europe
thundersnow
clouds on the mountains
digital cameras
morocco
longsleeve t-shirts
hope
windows that open
naps
pdf's
and pfd's
kayaking!
did i mention chocolate yet?
moose!!!!!
contacts
time
panera
coffee tumblers
eucalyptus trees
confused flowers that bloom in the winter
friends with cars who drive me places
imdb
rocks big enough to climb around on
the sound of rain on the roof
fun neighbors
seasons
in-n-out burger
rusty's custard
photography
sunsets and sunrises
jackie
hoodies

and of course, all my friends and family!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

remember, ponder, ask of God

something happened the other day (tho i really can't remember what) that made me think about the times that God has spoken clearly to me.

there's the one time i literally heard the voice of God. i was in college, my senior year, living in parkview. i had stayed up late working on a presentation i had to give for class that i dreaded. i overslept somehow, and as clear as day, i heard my name. just "dianne." only it was prasha's voice. and prasha is nepali and doesn't say my name quite the same way as anyone else. but of course, prasha wasn't there. and i knew immediately it was God that had spoken my name to wake me up.

i was thinking of several things that God spoke clearly to my heart while i was in europe. many of them i have associated with a hike i went on in norway, but when i looked back at my journal, they happened over the course of a few weeks, not a few hours on the side of a mountain. one of those was me wanting to get a dog. and i quickly and immediately knew in my heart that i couldn't because i wouldn't be in america long enough to take care of it.

i look back on the first few weeks of my trip and am thankful for the lessons i learned. and even moreso, i am thankful for the time i had with Jesus. i was completely dependent on Him (like in Goteborg, sweeden - look at the archives of my blog), and i was desperate for Him. i needed answers to the things my heart questioned. tho it is funny... the 5 questions that i had written out and asked God to answer, not one of them was answered on the trip. a few were answered in coming months, once i returned, but some are just starting to arise again right now.

it's funny that God answers prayers in ways that are so completely different. for some of those questions, it just seemed like the way God answered them was to just set them aside. i didn't really need those answers. but He did answer other prayers, questions i didn't even know i was asking until He answered them. others were a clear "no", but He gave me the option and let me decide for myself that i didn't really want what i was asking for (like earlier this week).

so for now, i wonder what questions my heart is asking that i don't even know about. i wonder what questions i do have that i am asking the wrong question about. i wonder what questions God will clearly answer.

i wonder what i will look back upon and see that God spoke so clearly about.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i sometimes just have to laugh.

man, God is so crazy sometimes!!

ok, so my post yesterday was me complaining about what i lack in the face of all that God has so richly, abundantly provided for me. at Bible study last night and at cohort this morning, we talked about John 6, where Jesus feeds 5000 people. He didn't need to, He just did it out of His own extravagance and abundance. and not only did He feed them, but 12 (TWELVE!) baskets of food were left over!! at Bible study, the application was "what extravagant thing will God do for me this week?" we also discussed how Jesus asked phillip to feed the people, but he clearly didn't know how. so the other application question was "what impossible thing is God calling me to do that i have to let Him do?"

at cohort, my thought was that even tho they only had 5 loaves and 2 fish, Jesus still gave thanks for it. it was afterward that it was multiplied. so what small things do i have that i can offer thanks for, that God can use in huge ways?

well, as discussed yesterday, i have HUGE things to be thankful for, and i am so grateful to be here to learn and do the things i am. so even as i feel i'm lacking in some ways, i do have SOMETHING to be thankful for. i wish i had more, but i should be (and am) grateful for half-fulfillment of these things.

i walked into my class this afternoon, and it's held in the same room that chapel is held in earlier in the day. i don't usually go to chapel, and i'd never see a "program" or whatever for it, so i saw one on a bench and looked over it. yup, psalm 103:1-5 was printed on the back. true story.

ok, God, i get it! i will bless You for all you are and do in my life!

this is really where the funny part comes in, and as i thought about it tonite, i realize this is the 2nd time God has done this to me. so in a weird way, God kind of dangled before me what i thought i was lacking. and i DEFINITELY don't want it anymore!! i mean, i am sure that i will want it again later, but man, NOT NOW!! (the first time, i was in europe, and God clearly spoke to me just once and it settled the matter for the next 2 years.)

and so i laugh at God. or is it with God...?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i trust in You

Hillsong "Healer":
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands


i awoke with this song in my head this morning. i learned it 2 weeks ago, i think, when we were praying over my friend who is seriously sick. it has different meaning for me, and i'm thankful for it (and itunes).

psalm 103:1-5
bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless His holy name!
bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

God has been SO good to me! i have had the opportunity the past few days to tell of His goodness, to think back upon the past 2 months that i've been here, as well as the past 7 years (my most significant growth in Christ in my life).

my life here is more than i could have asked for. i enjoy it immensely and am learning things i had never considered.

yet i long for more. my desires are selfish, like i am somehow entitled to more. instead of being thankful for the incredible abundance, i am constantly wrestling with what i don't have right now. i don't want to be fighting this battle, but like my roommate said last nite, if i don't struggle with it - keep laying it down (and then pick it up again) - it will only become a huge monster that overtakes my life. it already overtakes more of my thoughts and energy than i can really admit, and i'm so ashamed.

so for now, i say that Jesus, i trust in You. You are more than enough for me, You're all i need. i will bless You, i will not forget Your benefits: Your salvation, Your forgiveness, Your healing, Your redemption, Your steadfast love and mercy, Your goodness to me in every way conceivable, even in what i think i lack.

i trust in You.

Monday, November 17, 2008

a glimpse of light in the darkness of studies

i'm sick of schoolwork, in so many ways. mainly i just get frustrated by assignments that have no meaning to me, like required readings that are full of long, big, stupid words and that have no relevance to either my assignment or the class discussions.

but occasionally (ok, most of the time) i come across something that makes sense.

"Perception of this unbreakable link between justice and love is a step toward recognition of the utter freedom of God who cannot be shackled by anything, not even by our ethics and theologies of justice, but can be encountered only within the practice of justice and loving relationships. That means concern for justice will unfold into contemplation of God's gratuitous love adn abounding tenderness, which provide justice with its true horizons, reference points, and depths of meaning. The justice of God is God's love that gives and forgives endlessly. Among such gifts are opportunities and challenges, at times painful and mysterious, to grow to the Everest possibilities of the human heart--opportunities of the kind offered to Job and Jesus."
-Samuel Rayan, "Wrestling in the Night"

something to chew on, eh?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

time and directions

my sense of time is skewed. i depend heavily on the sun to clue me in on approximately what time it is. the weather, too, in as much as the seasons dictating what angle the sun should be at what time.

so especially with the LA fires, which dim the sun a bit (even tho it is fully sunny), my sense of time is quite screwed up. i look outside and think, wow, it's already 4 or 430pm? then i check my watch: try 1:30. the sun is at a low angle and it's 90 degrees, that must mean it's about 6pm. nope, 3:30. 6pm is completely dark, even if it is 75 degrees still.

when we were hiking yesterday, i apparently was a little turned-around directionally (which makes sense after winding around on mountain roads a while to get there). i kept thinking it was already mid to late-afternoon, even tho it was only 11am. it seemed like we were heading east and the sun was setting in the west, as it was at a lower angle. nope, the canyon we were in opened to the south, and the sun was at a low angle just because it's mid-november. oops.

when i was in australia, i would get mixed up all the time. i still often mess up directions based on where the sun is. yes, the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west, but in the winter months, it is to the north, not the south. i still think of campus being north of the residence halls, when actually it's south.

in VA, the ocean is to the east, and inland is to the west. so here, i get confused since it's opposite. i didn't realize how ingrained that definition of east and west are until i mis-speak it out here. i mean to say malibu is west, but since it's on the coast, that, by definition makes it to the east. nope, it's really west of here.

so i'm sure most of you are like, dianne, you're just silly, but it's these little things that mess me up, that make me realize that the way i think of things doesn't make it correct. it's a bit humbling, and i definitely need that!

Friday, November 14, 2008

dianne would like...

to stop someone else's pain.

to scream truth at someone.

to have more self-discipline when it comes to studying.

to forget the past, at least some of it.

to know why remembering the past, both good and bad parts, is painful.

to not have a headache.

to not be so melancholy.

to be able to structure my papers better.

to stop the clock.

to jump ahead 5 years.

to have a best friend.

to understand people.

to travel more.

to know the heart of God.

to have more discernment.

to dance my heart out.

to communicate more clearly.

to radiate glory.

to understand myself.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

no one notices the contrast of white on white

i need to cut my bangs again. they're getting too long.

i want to post, and keep my public aware of the goings-on, but i don't know what to say. it's been a more introspective, less intensive week. in a lot of ways, i feel like i've reached my max, but i've only just begun.

i decided on a topic for my final paper for poverty and development - trace the growth of greg mortenson's ideas of development thru his book, "three cups of tea". yes, the same book i read this summer that i loved. i'm excited that i get to write a paper about it! but at the same time, i wonder if there are enough sources to really develop it well. and of the sources i already have, it will take a LOT of reading and sorting thru to find the bits that are good for this class and paper. so it will take a LOT of work, and i wish i could work on nothing else the next 3 weeks. the end of the quarter is coming quickly!!

i was advised by dave scott this week, the head honcho. it was really encouraging. we talked about my current classes, and he validated my frustrations and concerns. we talked about classes for the next quarter as well as my whole time here. i only get 8 elective classes!!! how is that possible? there are about 20 that i want to take! that's 8 classes for my concentration and anything else beyond the "core" classes. so next quarter it's 2 core classes and one other, hopefully in the development track. i had wanted to go to lebanon this summer and take 3 classes there, but that's 3 of my 8 classes. i could go and have it count as my practicum, but i wanted to do my practicum elsewhere - somewhere i could see myself living and working full time. a friend mentioned possibly going to morocco, and that would be awesome. but dave was saying that for what i want to do, the lebanon thing makes a lot of sense to do as my practicum, but that i should wait until next year. once the classes offered this summer are posted in the next few weeks, i'll have a better sense of next summer. (and then i should have preferred dates for when you all should come visit!!!!)

all in all, it was a good conversation that helps me plan a track for my next 7 quarters. it'll be interesting to see where it leads!

i woke up today just TIRED. i went to prayer at ruth's, which was great, as usual, but i had to leave early to go to a group meeting for global theology that didn't last very long. i wish i could have stayed at prayer. we were praying for a friend who has been really sick, and so i've been wrestling with that for a few days now. how do i pray for her? what's the appropriate response for her suffering? what is my part in her healing? why hasn't God acted yet? does He really still heal people? what else should we be doing? do i have the faith for it? is my faith required? what part does worship have in prayer? why do i suck at prayer so badly? why is it so hard? why can i not discipline myself better to pray alone? i "do" pretty well when i'm in a group setting, but not so much by myself. what's the deal with that? what do i really believe about prayer in general? what do i really believe about healing in general? how does this affect my relationship with that friend? what is the role of the Bible in prayer? (what is the role of prayer in the Bible?)

so anyway, i FINALLY found the guy in the library that i needed to help me with EndNote. now i need to play with EndNote, now that it's working on my computer, so i know how to use it for paper writing.

i have so much general research i need to do, it's hard to create an attack plan so i know what there is left to do. i also have to write another dumb theology paper. i get SO frustrated with that class! i LOVE the professor, as a person, but NOT as a lecturer for an introductory class. it just doesn't suit him. i still don't even have a real definition of what theology IS, so i don't know what constitutes a theological article (that would be suitable to analyze for my paper due next week) or what isn't. so far i've found several interesting articles that seem "theological", but apparently they aren't. then he mention several articles that don't seem theological at all, but apparently are. i just don't get it. my group mates are trying to help me, and their discussion is helpful, but not so much their suggestions. i mean, i know they mean well, and i know i'm just grumbling a lot, but i guess i don't want them to just hand me articles that will work for the paper, i want to know what to look for when i try to find my own articles. the simple solution is just to use 2 that we are using in class, but i don't understand both articles on a given topic. i usually understand the non-western articles - they are generally more practical, down to earth, and less philosophical. often they are just written more understandably, too.

so i have to go to work tonite. i am NOT looking forward to it. it's so stressful and frustrating. there's just pretty poor communication, and i'm not around enough to get most of the communication, anyway. i feel like i'm constantly putting out fires when i go to work. it's like it's always a hive of crazy activity that i have to dive into for a few hours, but i don't ever really understand what's going on while i'm there. i want to be working toward the greater good and organization of the store, but i don't understand what the goals are or how to get there. so then i feel like an apathetic jerk.

so i'm going hiking this weekend! i'm quite excited! we're going to the bridge to nowhere. back in the 1930's, there was a road up there, but the road has since been washed out. but the bridge remains! some of my friends hiked up there this sunday to bungee jump off it, and they had a blast! i don't plan to bungee anytime soon, but i am excited for the hike. it should be good times and good company. and there's a stream/river that has to be crossed multiple times. woohoo! the downside is that it's supposed to be 95. ugh. not so great weather for a hike. especially in november! someone needs to remind God of that fact!

i lost my cell phone tuesday nite. i went to zephyr's coffee house to hang out and have our Bible study, and i think i left it in one of the chairs or couches. i know i had it when i went inside (there's a large outdoor patio, too), because i was texting matt to let him know the couch opened up if he and hanne wanted to come in to sit there, but then they didn't, so i moved over to the couch. i realized when i got home that i didn't have it, and looked everywhere in the apt. i went down and looked in courtney's car, but no luck. wed am, after i got home from work (read: everything that could go wrong, did, but it was all part of the fun, in a way) i called zephyrs and they didn't have it and didn't find it. courtney said we could go back after class yesterday to look for it. after class, she had a group meeting, and i wanted a nap, so she finished her meeting and i was still asleep, so she left to go study without me. which was fine, in a way, since i wanted to cook a real dinner and i didn't have much studying to do, but i was kind of upset bc i didn't know if courtney knew where to look for my phone. i later emailed my mom and asked if the insurance only covers damaged phones, or lost phones, too. so apparently she called my phone and left a message like "whoever has this phone, the owner would like it back, so please give it back to her." i DIED laughing - who is going to check my voicemail?! and try to figure out what the code is to listen to the voicemail? and how will they know it's my phone? there's not a business card taped on the back or anything. my poor sweet mother!! while courtney was at zephyrs, she was studying with andre, so he tried to help her look for my phone. after courtney left, hanne sat down, and they were all in the room with the couch and chair where i was sitting. so when my mom called, hanne felt it, bc she was sitting in the chair where my phone had slipped down between the cushions! andre told her i was looking for my phone, so hanne called my phone to see if it would ring, if it was indeed mine, and of course it did! so yay! hanne found my phone because my mom called it! great story, eh?

so i made stuffing last nite. not just your run-of-the-mill cornbread stuffing, but the hearty thanksgiving stuff i make - with sausage, apples, celery, parsley, onions, garlic, sour cream, and eggs. YUM. it's normal T-Day fare for me, but i'm going to my sister's for t-day this year, and she and her fam are vegetarians, so the sausage part wouldn't go over so well, and that's what ties it all together. and since it's a meal in itself, i'm excited for my own non-t-day leftovers for the next few days. :-)

a few things have been going on with people in my past (thanks facebook for all the gory details that i can't get enough of), and it's been a bit unsettling. it's shaken my ideas of things that i thought i had down pat, and it's stirred up some emotions i thought i had dealt with. and it's been heartbreaking to hear of failed marriages and bad choices people have made. part of me wants to be really judgemental (what were you thinking getting married that young), part of me wants to praise God from keeping me from the things i thought i wanted (getting married that young), and part of me stands in wonder at the process now. where do we go from here? where do i, personally, go from here? how can i learn from others' mistakes? how can i support my friends in the process? and i use this example, of the several i'm wrestling with, because it's the most open and forthright. the others are more about my responses to other things. in general, i'm a very melancholy, traditional, reminiscent person. i often think of "the good ole days" without remember the pain and frustration of those processes, too. and when i do think of it, i am able to praise God for the depth He's grown in me to be able to (i hope) respond better. to have a better perspective and idea of grace and love and truth that works itself as the foundation of all this stuff.

in the end, i know i'm on a journey. i'm still getting to the point where i can say i'm ok with that fact, that i'm starting to like that it's a process and give myself freedom to mess up sometimes. and i know that every event of my past has been a learning experience, it's made me who i am today. and even the crappy ones have served their purposes, the best ones, too. i still think that my 2nd semester, freshman year, was the best semester of my life. but it could have been a much richer experience, if i had the lessons that i have now. my point is that as awesome as that time was, it wasn't the epitome of life - there's SO much more.

in a way, i feel like i'm entering another season, similar to that one. socially and relationally, i think i am. and spiritually, too, i hope i am. but this time, i won't be as surprised when the bubble bursts. or maybe i'll learn to not make it a bubble to start with, so it won't have to burst, but accept that it won't last forever.

right. so, with that, i take my leave and head to class. pray for me!!
:-D

Thursday, November 06, 2008

week 6

i'm frustrated at the moment at the time zone difference. i was SO excited to talk to shannon last nite, even tho we didn't end our conversation until 130am her time. that's a bit late! adn right now, i'd love to talk to someone out there, but it's already 1130pm, too late to call. (but if you live on the east coast, feel free to call me!)

hanne is coming home with me for Christmas!!!! i'm SO EXCITED!!! she is one of my norwegian friends and i'm so glad she is coming! well, it isn't definite yet, as she hasn't gotten her plane ticket, but it should work out. woohooooooo! i'll be home for about 2.5 weeks, and she'll be there for probably a week. so you all in VA will still see plenty of me!

my "intensive" is almost over. tomorrow is our last class. i still have to write my final paper, but i think it's gonna work out, as long as my topic gets approved. it's been good, but crazy. i won't ever take an intensive on top of 2 regular classes AND work. if i have to do another intensive, i definitely won't work at the same time. physically, i had enough time, but emotionally i was completely exhausted. i still need to figure that one out... i ended up going running, which was a good thing, but i just about had a panic attack before that.

so the class was full of really great material. but i still can't get over that it's not just head knowledge, it affects my heart, too. some of it breaks my heart, some of it challenges me, some of it i need to chew on for a while, and some of it is just overwhelming. there were points i literally could not take in any more information. i cried several times. and i cannot thank God enough for the graces and gifts He has given me.

this has to be one of the best environments for me. i am loving it. i get to recreate myself, in a way. all of the things that i've learned throughout my life, i get to be them now. i get to use everything up to this point as the foundation for what i'm learning now. the only analogies i can think of aren't so useful and break down pretty quickly, so i'll spare you, but it's good. some of the lessons that have been SO hard for me to learn, that i was finally starting to grasp before i left VA, i get to take them as basic truths now. i live out of that reality, i don't have to fight for it to be reality.

prayer this morning was awesome. i haven't been in a situation like that, the way it played out, for a long time. i really really enjoyed it. it was a great lesson for me. God is so good! He spoke to my heart in a few concrete ways, and that was really neat. there's a verse that He gave me while i was in college that i wanted to be true, but i couldn't believe it. it came up again while i was in boot camp, but i still didn't get it, even then. and today it came to mind, and it's true! i'm sure i don't get the fullness of it, but it's still pretty awesome.

there has been something i've been pondering and wrestling with for a few weeks now, and last nite, i decided to give a piece of it up. not the whole thing, mind you, but it just doesn't fit with the future i know God is calling me to. this morning in prayer, one of the guys said that he felt like God was saying that He's proud of us for living our lives in service to Him, and proud of us for making decisions based on that fact. so it was direct confirmation for my heart to give it up. i'm not entirely there, but i KNOW that God only has good for me, and if i give this up, i'm making room for more of His goodness in other ways.

on the flip side, i'm still wrestling with something else that i don't like and i haven't figured it out. and i don't know if i ever will figure it out, but i know i need to let God work things out in my heart. that's hard!

i love how things are coming together here. there's stuff in all 3 of my classes that's relevant in the other 2. there are people that i have multiple connections with (he's in my class, he's your roommate, and she works with him - wow! that's a lot of connections!) it's fun.

i've had 2 "small world" experiences with the same girl! she's from texas, her best friend from high school married the guy that lived across the street from me in high school. then she (my friend here) was in spain for a while, in the same city as my friend who studied there, the friend that i visited on my trip around europe. craziness, huh??? i LOVE it.

generosity of self. that's the name i'm giving something i've been thinking about. i kind of don't like that i'm overstimulated, multi-tasking, constantly busy. sometimes i like it (i don't get as bored), but it's not honest, in one way. when i'm with someone, i want to be ALL there. and when i'm studying, i need to be ALL there. but mostly it has to do with interacting with people. i'm not there, but i'm just starting to think about this. i want to be generous with my whole self. i'm kind of scared that i'm writing this here bc i don't know what i'm saying just yet. scary!

that's my ramblings for today. thanks for tuning in!

Sunday, November 02, 2008

exhausted

so i had the first week of my intensive last week. the material is really good, but i just don't know how to get anything out of it. being in class that much is mentally draining. it's kind of hard, if you have nothing else going on. but 2 classes on top of that is just hard. not to mention throwing in a job, church, a social life.

i'm supposed to write a paper today. i just don't think i can do it.

the class, poverty and development, is emotionally exhausting, too. i want so much to do something more than write a paper about it. i see homeless people around pasadena every day. what do i do? how do i interact with them? how do i apply all this stuff from class into helping them? and how do i not make it sound like i'm some sort of savior who comes with all the answers?

then throw in some conflict at work. i don't know what to say about that one except that i'm constantly analyzing the situation, trying to figure out why i feel the way i do and how to fix the problem. how do i communicate clearly? what is it that i want to communicate? why does it all bug me so much? i'm disgusted at myself that i reacted the way i did, and now i'm over-analyzing and not coming up with clear answers.

then socially, i want to see my friends and hang out. but when i do, i am so tired i can't interact very well, or i leave early, because i'm so tired. which is an awful catch-22.

then there's another friend of mine that doesn't live here that i'm frustrated by. and i'm hurt, that's really it, but how do i tell them? is it worth it?

i did sleep for that extra hour of daylight savings last nite. that was nice. but i'm still internally just as exhausted.

church today was good, as was the "sermon". he touched on some things that i've been thinking about and want to do more thinking and research on, but he left me with more questions than answers. which is fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but i don't have the time or energy to do much study on it anytime soon. and he definitely touched a nerve in me that i want to work out, but i can't.

there's also another head-heart issue that God is working out in me that takes a lot of energy, and i wish it weren't there, but it is. and i would love to sit and think on it and process it and deal with it, but since it's a heart thing, too, it'll take more than just an afternoon of prayer. not that i have time for that now, anyway. and i'm angry with myself that this is such an issue with me right now.

and i really don't know how i'm going to write this paper. i want to do it, but i'm not sure i'm capable. and i want to do really well, for a number of reasons, but i'm so afraid i'll fail. it's SO much information to get in a week, and the paper is comprehensive, so it's good that i have to put it all together to even start to analyze the info for my paper, but man, it's tough! and then applying all this info to another situation - he told us he chose these things to analyze because they all have big holes. but i don't see the holes, so i'm clearly not getting it. but i'm so tired, i just don't care. only i do care, maybe for the wrong reasons. and i just want to throw a book at the wall. and i just want to take a nap. and i want to talk to someone in my class who's writing their paper on the same thing so i can see if i'm going in the right direction. and i just want monday to be over with already.

so the moral of the story is: don't take an intensive on top of 2 other classes, and certainly don't try to work 20 hours a week during it.
and who is God in the midst of this? how do i keep going? what is my source of energy? i've already cried 3 times today - i'm sick of it.

peace.