exhausted

so i had the first week of my intensive last week. the material is really good, but i just don't know how to get anything out of it. being in class that much is mentally draining. it's kind of hard, if you have nothing else going on. but 2 classes on top of that is just hard. not to mention throwing in a job, church, a social life.

i'm supposed to write a paper today. i just don't think i can do it.

the class, poverty and development, is emotionally exhausting, too. i want so much to do something more than write a paper about it. i see homeless people around pasadena every day. what do i do? how do i interact with them? how do i apply all this stuff from class into helping them? and how do i not make it sound like i'm some sort of savior who comes with all the answers?

then throw in some conflict at work. i don't know what to say about that one except that i'm constantly analyzing the situation, trying to figure out why i feel the way i do and how to fix the problem. how do i communicate clearly? what is it that i want to communicate? why does it all bug me so much? i'm disgusted at myself that i reacted the way i did, and now i'm over-analyzing and not coming up with clear answers.

then socially, i want to see my friends and hang out. but when i do, i am so tired i can't interact very well, or i leave early, because i'm so tired. which is an awful catch-22.

then there's another friend of mine that doesn't live here that i'm frustrated by. and i'm hurt, that's really it, but how do i tell them? is it worth it?

i did sleep for that extra hour of daylight savings last nite. that was nice. but i'm still internally just as exhausted.

church today was good, as was the "sermon". he touched on some things that i've been thinking about and want to do more thinking and research on, but he left me with more questions than answers. which is fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but i don't have the time or energy to do much study on it anytime soon. and he definitely touched a nerve in me that i want to work out, but i can't.

there's also another head-heart issue that God is working out in me that takes a lot of energy, and i wish it weren't there, but it is. and i would love to sit and think on it and process it and deal with it, but since it's a heart thing, too, it'll take more than just an afternoon of prayer. not that i have time for that now, anyway. and i'm angry with myself that this is such an issue with me right now.

and i really don't know how i'm going to write this paper. i want to do it, but i'm not sure i'm capable. and i want to do really well, for a number of reasons, but i'm so afraid i'll fail. it's SO much information to get in a week, and the paper is comprehensive, so it's good that i have to put it all together to even start to analyze the info for my paper, but man, it's tough! and then applying all this info to another situation - he told us he chose these things to analyze because they all have big holes. but i don't see the holes, so i'm clearly not getting it. but i'm so tired, i just don't care. only i do care, maybe for the wrong reasons. and i just want to throw a book at the wall. and i just want to take a nap. and i want to talk to someone in my class who's writing their paper on the same thing so i can see if i'm going in the right direction. and i just want monday to be over with already.

so the moral of the story is: don't take an intensive on top of 2 other classes, and certainly don't try to work 20 hours a week during it.
and who is God in the midst of this? how do i keep going? what is my source of energy? i've already cried 3 times today - i'm sick of it.

peace.