no one notices the contrast of white on white

i need to cut my bangs again. they're getting too long.

i want to post, and keep my public aware of the goings-on, but i don't know what to say. it's been a more introspective, less intensive week. in a lot of ways, i feel like i've reached my max, but i've only just begun.

i decided on a topic for my final paper for poverty and development - trace the growth of greg mortenson's ideas of development thru his book, "three cups of tea". yes, the same book i read this summer that i loved. i'm excited that i get to write a paper about it! but at the same time, i wonder if there are enough sources to really develop it well. and of the sources i already have, it will take a LOT of reading and sorting thru to find the bits that are good for this class and paper. so it will take a LOT of work, and i wish i could work on nothing else the next 3 weeks. the end of the quarter is coming quickly!!

i was advised by dave scott this week, the head honcho. it was really encouraging. we talked about my current classes, and he validated my frustrations and concerns. we talked about classes for the next quarter as well as my whole time here. i only get 8 elective classes!!! how is that possible? there are about 20 that i want to take! that's 8 classes for my concentration and anything else beyond the "core" classes. so next quarter it's 2 core classes and one other, hopefully in the development track. i had wanted to go to lebanon this summer and take 3 classes there, but that's 3 of my 8 classes. i could go and have it count as my practicum, but i wanted to do my practicum elsewhere - somewhere i could see myself living and working full time. a friend mentioned possibly going to morocco, and that would be awesome. but dave was saying that for what i want to do, the lebanon thing makes a lot of sense to do as my practicum, but that i should wait until next year. once the classes offered this summer are posted in the next few weeks, i'll have a better sense of next summer. (and then i should have preferred dates for when you all should come visit!!!!)

all in all, it was a good conversation that helps me plan a track for my next 7 quarters. it'll be interesting to see where it leads!

i woke up today just TIRED. i went to prayer at ruth's, which was great, as usual, but i had to leave early to go to a group meeting for global theology that didn't last very long. i wish i could have stayed at prayer. we were praying for a friend who has been really sick, and so i've been wrestling with that for a few days now. how do i pray for her? what's the appropriate response for her suffering? what is my part in her healing? why hasn't God acted yet? does He really still heal people? what else should we be doing? do i have the faith for it? is my faith required? what part does worship have in prayer? why do i suck at prayer so badly? why is it so hard? why can i not discipline myself better to pray alone? i "do" pretty well when i'm in a group setting, but not so much by myself. what's the deal with that? what do i really believe about prayer in general? what do i really believe about healing in general? how does this affect my relationship with that friend? what is the role of the Bible in prayer? (what is the role of prayer in the Bible?)

so anyway, i FINALLY found the guy in the library that i needed to help me with EndNote. now i need to play with EndNote, now that it's working on my computer, so i know how to use it for paper writing.

i have so much general research i need to do, it's hard to create an attack plan so i know what there is left to do. i also have to write another dumb theology paper. i get SO frustrated with that class! i LOVE the professor, as a person, but NOT as a lecturer for an introductory class. it just doesn't suit him. i still don't even have a real definition of what theology IS, so i don't know what constitutes a theological article (that would be suitable to analyze for my paper due next week) or what isn't. so far i've found several interesting articles that seem "theological", but apparently they aren't. then he mention several articles that don't seem theological at all, but apparently are. i just don't get it. my group mates are trying to help me, and their discussion is helpful, but not so much their suggestions. i mean, i know they mean well, and i know i'm just grumbling a lot, but i guess i don't want them to just hand me articles that will work for the paper, i want to know what to look for when i try to find my own articles. the simple solution is just to use 2 that we are using in class, but i don't understand both articles on a given topic. i usually understand the non-western articles - they are generally more practical, down to earth, and less philosophical. often they are just written more understandably, too.

so i have to go to work tonite. i am NOT looking forward to it. it's so stressful and frustrating. there's just pretty poor communication, and i'm not around enough to get most of the communication, anyway. i feel like i'm constantly putting out fires when i go to work. it's like it's always a hive of crazy activity that i have to dive into for a few hours, but i don't ever really understand what's going on while i'm there. i want to be working toward the greater good and organization of the store, but i don't understand what the goals are or how to get there. so then i feel like an apathetic jerk.

so i'm going hiking this weekend! i'm quite excited! we're going to the bridge to nowhere. back in the 1930's, there was a road up there, but the road has since been washed out. but the bridge remains! some of my friends hiked up there this sunday to bungee jump off it, and they had a blast! i don't plan to bungee anytime soon, but i am excited for the hike. it should be good times and good company. and there's a stream/river that has to be crossed multiple times. woohoo! the downside is that it's supposed to be 95. ugh. not so great weather for a hike. especially in november! someone needs to remind God of that fact!

i lost my cell phone tuesday nite. i went to zephyr's coffee house to hang out and have our Bible study, and i think i left it in one of the chairs or couches. i know i had it when i went inside (there's a large outdoor patio, too), because i was texting matt to let him know the couch opened up if he and hanne wanted to come in to sit there, but then they didn't, so i moved over to the couch. i realized when i got home that i didn't have it, and looked everywhere in the apt. i went down and looked in courtney's car, but no luck. wed am, after i got home from work (read: everything that could go wrong, did, but it was all part of the fun, in a way) i called zephyrs and they didn't have it and didn't find it. courtney said we could go back after class yesterday to look for it. after class, she had a group meeting, and i wanted a nap, so she finished her meeting and i was still asleep, so she left to go study without me. which was fine, in a way, since i wanted to cook a real dinner and i didn't have much studying to do, but i was kind of upset bc i didn't know if courtney knew where to look for my phone. i later emailed my mom and asked if the insurance only covers damaged phones, or lost phones, too. so apparently she called my phone and left a message like "whoever has this phone, the owner would like it back, so please give it back to her." i DIED laughing - who is going to check my voicemail?! and try to figure out what the code is to listen to the voicemail? and how will they know it's my phone? there's not a business card taped on the back or anything. my poor sweet mother!! while courtney was at zephyrs, she was studying with andre, so he tried to help her look for my phone. after courtney left, hanne sat down, and they were all in the room with the couch and chair where i was sitting. so when my mom called, hanne felt it, bc she was sitting in the chair where my phone had slipped down between the cushions! andre told her i was looking for my phone, so hanne called my phone to see if it would ring, if it was indeed mine, and of course it did! so yay! hanne found my phone because my mom called it! great story, eh?

so i made stuffing last nite. not just your run-of-the-mill cornbread stuffing, but the hearty thanksgiving stuff i make - with sausage, apples, celery, parsley, onions, garlic, sour cream, and eggs. YUM. it's normal T-Day fare for me, but i'm going to my sister's for t-day this year, and she and her fam are vegetarians, so the sausage part wouldn't go over so well, and that's what ties it all together. and since it's a meal in itself, i'm excited for my own non-t-day leftovers for the next few days. :-)

a few things have been going on with people in my past (thanks facebook for all the gory details that i can't get enough of), and it's been a bit unsettling. it's shaken my ideas of things that i thought i had down pat, and it's stirred up some emotions i thought i had dealt with. and it's been heartbreaking to hear of failed marriages and bad choices people have made. part of me wants to be really judgemental (what were you thinking getting married that young), part of me wants to praise God from keeping me from the things i thought i wanted (getting married that young), and part of me stands in wonder at the process now. where do we go from here? where do i, personally, go from here? how can i learn from others' mistakes? how can i support my friends in the process? and i use this example, of the several i'm wrestling with, because it's the most open and forthright. the others are more about my responses to other things. in general, i'm a very melancholy, traditional, reminiscent person. i often think of "the good ole days" without remember the pain and frustration of those processes, too. and when i do think of it, i am able to praise God for the depth He's grown in me to be able to (i hope) respond better. to have a better perspective and idea of grace and love and truth that works itself as the foundation of all this stuff.

in the end, i know i'm on a journey. i'm still getting to the point where i can say i'm ok with that fact, that i'm starting to like that it's a process and give myself freedom to mess up sometimes. and i know that every event of my past has been a learning experience, it's made me who i am today. and even the crappy ones have served their purposes, the best ones, too. i still think that my 2nd semester, freshman year, was the best semester of my life. but it could have been a much richer experience, if i had the lessons that i have now. my point is that as awesome as that time was, it wasn't the epitome of life - there's SO much more.

in a way, i feel like i'm entering another season, similar to that one. socially and relationally, i think i am. and spiritually, too, i hope i am. but this time, i won't be as surprised when the bubble bursts. or maybe i'll learn to not make it a bubble to start with, so it won't have to burst, but accept that it won't last forever.

right. so, with that, i take my leave and head to class. pray for me!!
:-D