friends and fluid dynamics

so i'm pretty moody sometimes. especially lately. i get so worked up over the seemingly simplest things, and i am so terrible at communicating myself to those around me, those i love the most. i get really frustrated with myself and i wonder how people around me put up with me at all. i mean, really, in the grand scheme of thing, my issues are pretty minimal. but they seem so huge to me, and i am so good at overreacting, that i do go overboard and then it seems an even bigger issue, then i get mad at myself.... and the cycle continues. i then want to blame everything and everyone but myself, and i turn into this bitchy, pissy, vocal woman.

now i have this friend. i have been hanging out with her a lot in recent times, and something happened. i don't know what changed, but all of her weaknesses and insecurities came out at once, and she seemed like an entirely different person. all of her negative characteristics (that are usually kept in check by the positive ones) have been the dominant features of her personality lately. and really, i have no idea what changed, or if i have offended her and am partially responsible, or anything.

but you know what? the main emotion i feel toward her right now is not anger, or frustration, or impatience, or hate, or even disappointment. what i feel the most is compassion. (if you know me, you know my strength is NOT compassion.) i want to help her, i want to be there for her, i don't want to do anything more that might upset her (regardless of whether or not my action that irritates her is "a sin issue" or not, which is what i usually try to hide behind when someone irritates me, and therefore not communicate what is wrong or confront the person). i want to show her i love her. i want to support her, encourage her, be gentle with her and show her the truth in love. yes, my patience will probably wear thin (ask me in a few days how i feel), but for now, this is how i feel.

so now i'm thinking wow, is this how people feel about me when i'm being bitchy? do they want to just love and support me and walk me thru it? do they have more patience and kindness for me than i want to give myself? wow. i have pretty amazing friends.

let me go a step further. is this how God feels about me? that yes, he sighs at my sin and gives me grace to help me walk out of it, but overall, He just loves me. wow.


ok, new topic. i once knew a guy whose degree was in linguistics, but he didn't use it. when in a job interview for a GIS (geographic information systems) job, he was asked about his degree. he said he described it as a problem solving degree. i don't remember how he described it in more detail, but he said that he learned how to solve problems logically while earning his degree, and that is a skill that can be used elsewhere, including in GIS. he got the job.

so then recently, i was thinking about my degree in meteorology, that i don't (at this point) ever intend to use. i realized that one life lesson i've picked up is that things are never as simple as they seem. as much as my logical left brain would hate to admit it, rarely is one thing solely the cause for another.

in meteorology, we have all of these rules and equations and relationships that always come with an asterisk. they all work in perfect conditions, or when these 3 parameters have these 3 values (which is about a 1% chance in real life), or when we neglect friction, or air movement, or daytime heating, or evaporation. there is always a catch. i realize that these are all things that are used to simplify problems and equations to make them easier to understand for undergraduates, and that a lot of these things are taken into account and understood more clearly by phd's and such. but there is always something that we can't account for. there is always some parcel of air, somewhere, that is not what we think it is and messes the whole thing up. that is why tv meteorologists are "always wrong". it is impossible to know everything that is happening everywhere (remember we're not just talking at the surface, say in des moines and el paso, but also UP, like at 1000ft and 16000ft.) it is therefore impossible to quantitatively say exactly what will happen everywhere at a given time. sometimes we do get it spot on, and usually we are pretty close, but sometimes we are completely off. and we weren't trying to screw with your weekend plans, but that's just the name of the game. there are so many feedback mechanisms and relationships that we try to define in simple terms, and sometimes we succeed, but hardly anything has a specific, concrete correlation that will be exactly right every time.

ok, so how it relates to my life now: i will never know the complete history or personality of everyone i come into contact with. i will get to know the pasts of my close friends, and learn their strengths, weaknesses, woundings, failures, successes and dreams. but i will never have a complete understanding of their whole being. i can know in general terms that someone's dad walked out when they were 8, and so there is a decent chance they might deal with abandonment issues. or i can know that so-and-so really wants to be an astronaut, so he will go to school and join clubs and take internships and do anything and everything he can to reach that goal. these things help me know that i should especially be careful to try to make every appointment and call to explain my absence with one person, and that i shouldn't expect another to choose the aquarium over the air and space museum.

but when a friend seemingly over-reacts, or somehow responds to something in a way that seems inappropriate or out of the ordinary, i have to remember there are a multitude of possible causes. i may think i know which issue elicited this response, but i can't be sure. i need to have grace, patience, and love for these people, and be understanding of unknown-to-me circumstances.

so the really rude, impatient customer at work might be having a really, really bad day. or they might actually have a mild form of asberger's syndrome in which any deviation from the routine is monumental. so putting on a flat lid instead of a dome lid might actually be a really big deal for someone.

i don't always even know why i react the way i do. i don't know when too much is too much, or why i react so strongly in some situations, or am so passive in others. i don't know when to hold out for reconciliation, or when to just close the door and move on. i don't know how to do that, really. i don't know when to pursue some things, or how to relate to some people.

life is full of mysteries. and i can understand their complexities by knowing that the atmosphere acts as a fluid, and i certainly will never be able to learn enough fluid dynamics.

patience and kids

so i find myself with less and less patience these days. part of that is temporary, i know. but part of it is also in finding out who i am.

since i got back from europe, i have been discovering who i am and who i'm not. i have considered a multitude of ministries and opportunities and careers over the years, and so far, none of them has stuck that well. one thing does keep coming up: having a family. i do want to be a mom, and i think i'd like several kids... like 5? who knows. my opinion on the matter has changed considerably over the years, and i don't expect it to stay the same for much longer, anyway. i am certain it will change again by the time i do marry and have to start making decisions about family.

at any rate, i was just thinking about which age i would enjoy the most with my kids, and really, i think (as of now) that i will enjoy them more as they are older... as in late high school, college, early adulthood. that sort of age. kind of like the age i am able to relate to best now, and have more of a "heart" for currently. i have realized in the past few months that i don't have the patience for the little kids. i enjoy babysitting sometimes, and when i do i prefer the 3-4 year-olds, but i am quite happy to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. i can safely say that i am blessed with a lack of patience with kids so that i KNOW i'm not supposed to work with kids. at least not right now.

which leads me to subbing... i do like high school kids (except freshmen) because they can take responsibility for themselves. they can make their own choices and take care of themselves. yes, they are not grown up yet, and need guidance, correction, and a support base, but it's fun to see them become their own people, and find out who they are.

actually, that is what i have a heart for in general. i liked being a "shepherd" of sorts in my college house church. i loved loving on people, listening to them, pouring into them whatever i could offer, praying for them, being their friend, and watching them blossom into the people God created for them to be. that is kind of what i want in 1830, that is what i want at kpc. that is what i am lacking myself. with all the talk recently about mentoring relationships at kpc, i personally am not experiencing it, and i don't think they are doing as good of a job at it as they say or think they are.

at any rate, i don't have patience for kids, but i still want my own, someday. the end.

frustration.

it seems that i don't have much control over my life. i am so easily frustrated and irritated by small things.

i don't want to live here. i would like a "normal" relationship with my parents, or at least one that is more "normal" for a 24-year-old. which would include not living in the same house as them. in my dream world, we would have real conversations once in a while, not non-conversations constantly. i wouldn't care what the kitchen cabinets were stocked with or not stocked with, and i wouldn't have my dad (who says he's on the atkins diet) asking to eat any of my "carbs", then sulking when i say no. argh. i wouldn't have my mom asking if i would be home for dinner. (not that she shouldn't plan, but i don't want to make that choice until i see how my day pans out.) selfish, i know. but in our culture, somewhat realistic. i do enjoy their company in an on-going basis (like having someone around to converse with over breakfast, for example), and i am by far the beneficiary in this relationship (no rent! free dinners!).

at any rate, i feel this is the greatest source of underlying frustration that then causes many other little things seem huge. like my hip. not a huge deal, but it is slightly out of whack, and i can't step forward too far with my right foot, pushing my left hip too far backwards, or it collapses under my weight. so i can't run. not a huge deal, and it usually fixes itself within hours.

once a long time ago, at house church in "the light house" at OU, for an icebreaker we were asked to say or make the sound that best describes ourselves. i said i couldn't think of one, and lana, who was mentoring/discipling me at the time, immediately piped up and said, i know! it's uuuuuugh. my "frustration noise". yeah. so it got away from me for a while, as i matured somewhat and came to be not-as-much of a control freak. but it's back, and so perfect.

so i lost it at work today. not a huge deal, once again, but i was so frustrated and annoyed and who knows what else that i lost it. i usually work register, since i am more comfortable and therefore speedier there than on "bar", making the espresso drinks. i have gotten the hang, in general terms, of ringing people up, managing the drip coffee, pastry case, and keeping an eye on the lobby. so i haven't really "worked bar" in about 2 weeks. in which time i've not gotten any better at remembering drink recipes. i'm cool with how to steam milk, even milk for cappuccinos (keep the wand near the top, but not too close, to make a lot of micro bubbles, foam it until 120, heat to 140, free pour immediately so the foam doesn't separate out). but i can't do anything fast yet, and it takes me a few seconds to stop and think about what each drink is. i can pretty much focus only on one drink at a time, and i can't remember yet to think ahead and do more than one drink at once. so i was finally "on bar" today, and about 5 min into it, we had about 6 people come in all at once. i thought i was doing pretty well, i was able to stop and mark cups as they were called to me, call them back properly, and still keep my mind on the drink in front of me. that obviously wasn't enough, tho, and my boss came out to help. i'm glad she did, a lot of people would have waited even longer for their drinks. and i am fully aware that i will get better with practice, and speed will come. i know that. and i know i'll figure out as i go along how to multi-task as i remember more quickly how each drink is made. i KNOW it will get better. but i was really really frustrated with my boss at that moment. she kept telling me to go faster, which i couldn't do, and she knew; and i couldn't read her handwriting on the cups, so i couldn't see what to do next. a shot of espresso is only good for 10 seconds before it has to be added to something or thrown out. at one point i was a bit overwhelmed and couldn't think of what to do to the next drink, and i ended up letting a shot sit for too long, and the drink had to be remade. somehow my boss also got the drinks out of order (each barista has their own system, maybe?) and a few people were waiting a very long time. most were patient, but a few were frustrated. one girl got upset that she wanted an almond drink and got toffee nut, but i KNOW toffee nut was what was called down to me. i didn't even know we had almond syrup (we do). so in the midst of all that, with my boss telling me a million things at once that i couldn't process or do any faster, i raised my voice at her. i know it doesn't do any good to try to explain myself to her, or explain why saying "hurry up!" doesn't help me AT ALL. so i got frustrated. when all the customers got their drinks and we weren't busy, she turned to me and said, "you can't get mad. it's just coffee. you have to be faster. you can't yell. you have to hold it all inside and then say, 'i need a break' and go out back or to your car and yell there. why did you yell?" i said that she yelled at me, which wasn't true, but was the only way i could think of to say "you told me to go faster when i obviously was going as fast as i could, and you kept saying it anyway. you were making the situation worse instead of better. it would have helped if you could have communicated with me what you were doing with the drinks as you handed them to me, instead of telling me to just go faster and not get upset." i was so frustrated that i couldn't communicate to her how i really felt, both because i couldn't find the words, and she's my boss who i can't "talk back" to. she immediately said "i didn't yell at you. (which was true) i just said you had to go faster. i never yell at my employees. you can't get upset." i tried to say, "yes, i know you didn't tell, i'm sorry i said that, it was just the way i could describe how i felt," but she kept talking over me. which i HATE at all, and got even more flustered, and i started to cry. she could see the tears welling up in my eyes and said "you can't cry. you can't get upset. you just have to make the drinks faster. go to the back and wipe off your face." the fact that she told me i couldn't cry just made it worse. so i went to the back and cried harder. the shift supervisor, who i had worked with all this morning and all yesterday morning, came over to comfort me and ask what was wrong. i didn't know what to say, except just to try to explain myself, which didn't help, and i couldn't say much, so she went and talked to the boss, who started off with "i didn't yell at her, she is so emotional." which is true, but there still wasn't much communication. i did wash off my face, and when i went back out front, she said "i am never rude to my employees. i get a little tense sometimes, and my voice might sound like it, but i am not rude to my employees. there were customers waiting for their drinks and i had to say to go faster because that is what was needed." which is true. so all in all, i need more practice on the bar in less hectic times, and i was so mad at myself for over-reacting like that. i hate how emotional i can be.

so maybe i shouldn't have written that whole story. i don't want to make it out that my boss is a monster, she is definitely not. and everyone at the store annoys me at some point by saying "you'll get faster, it will get better." i KNOW this fact. i am fully aware of it. i would rather them say something more productive, more helpful, but i guess there isn't much practical information to say.

so anyway. i'm frustrated a lot. it isn't much fun.

mat kearney. wow.

so i think i'm in love with this guy. i also think part of it has to do with the fact that he's from oregon, which currently feels the same way to me that paradise does to jihad-ers. maybe that's a crude, rude, and politically incorrect thing to say.

so i did see mat kearney at the norva last night. it was a great show. i went with hannah, who i like more and more each time i talk with her. the opening band was british, so there was a huge british crowd there last night... it sorta made me feel like i were in australia again. in fact, the last time i was at a show like that, i was indeed in australia, seeing my friend paul, who plays in the band "the rex wicked". speaking of paul, who plays bass and has long blond hair, i saw his body double in the 2nd opening act last nite. it was so strange! it really did look so much like him, and i would have been very tempted to think that it really was him except that he would have at least emailed me if he were in america.

but back to mat. wow. great job, man. it was fun how he added a verse here and there, or changed a few words, about how he was in virginia on a monday night. i was appreciative.



man. i appreciate mary's foible of truth even more right now. "why do relationshits have to be so hard?!" actually she said "church relationshits", but at the moment, that modifier is not needed. man, relationships are hard. they suck. people are just never what i expect them to be, what i want them to be. i guess that's what's meant when they say "we're all human". we're all so different, yet so alike. the past few days have had me feeling more "different" than "normal". like i'm the only one like me around. which in many ways, i am so thankful for. but for now, i'm feeling more like an outsider. i look back and am more thankful for my friends in college that i had more "in common" with. maybe we were all just weird. at any rate, i find myself with less and less patience and grace for those around me these days. i don't want to deal with the ones i don't like. and there seem to be more and more of the ones i don't like. at the same time, i am learning to love and trust those that hurt me (mostly unknowingly) previously. i am learning to respect some people that i used to be "friends" with, years ago, but now i am seeing more of these days.

i went to lynchburg/reston to see shannon this weekend. she is way awesome, and quickly climbing the ladders of my favorite people and closest friends. she so joyfully and delightfully hosted me when i know there were a million other things going on in her life and her head. her host family was so welcoming and fun to hang out with, too. they love and appreciate her so much. it was fun to see that. she can be really silly and fun. i didn't find myself annoyed at all, which is rare for me, and i think that is because i know that she is very mature and wise, knows comic timing, and knows when things are appropriate and not. i thoroughly enjoyed my time with her, even climbing the mountain with only a view of the fog. it's just an excuse to go back another time and climb the peaks of otter, when they aren't in the clouds. ;-)

sigh. i wish i could just instantly grow up. and sometimes i like not being grown up. i definitely feel like i'm back-tracking. ah, time. too fast, and yet not fast enough.

sigh.

so many worlds in one

the bold words are hyperlinks.

as i write this, my laptop sits on the coffee table my mother design and had made when she was in taiwan. next to it is a dish i got her in morocco, made by berbers. she also has a small little bowl out that my sister got her in japan that she put easter candy in. and that's just my coffee table.

i am also reading the book angelina jolie: notes from my travels. well, actually, it's her journals from her trips as a goodwill ambassador for the UNHCR, united nations high commissioner for refugees. she traveled to sierra leone, pakistan, ecuador, and cambodia to see refugees and visit their camps and be a liaison to america on their behalf. according to wikipedia, as of jan 1, 2007, over 21 million people fall under their jurisdicion... "traditional" refugees or internally displaced persons. it's simply amazing. in her book, she meets with some of the refugees going thru their original interview, to determine their official status and decide what the best next step is for them. she tells some of their stories... amazing stories that we rarely hear in the media, especially in places like ecuador. i knew there were "drug wars" and such in colombia (tho i don't really know what i mean by that), but i had no idea it really affected so many people. i didn't realize there is so much violence associated with it that affects "fringe" people: those that are not drug lords, working for the drug lords, transporters, drug users, or government officials trying to fight the drug lords. it really is ridiculous.

there are 2 things that i notice most that she keeps repeating. the first is the need for money. over and over again, refugees come forward and say they need this or that, and of course it all costs money they don't have. in most cases that she mentioned, they are real, legitimate, immediate needs: more clean water in drought-ridden northern pakistan. the closest well is over 10k away. in some places, they can only host so many people in one camp, but people have no place to go. so they give them land to set up a few tarps for shelter, but have no food to give them. again and again, in many different ways, she says if people gave more money, they could do so much more... more rehabilitation programs, more schools for the kids, teach more skills to the adults so they can work and support their families...

how do we do this? what is our response? daily, in one way or another, and appeal is made for my money. today: a letter from the volunteer rescue squad. a good cause? absolutely! last week: a phone call from the disabled vets. i have so many friends that are "workers" in other countries, and very few of them actually meet their budgets. it is a very real fear of mine, that as my time comes to raise support and go overseas, my budget will not be met. i don't know why or how or what to do about it. is my budget too high? if i can get by with less than i say i do, was my original budget selfish or greedy? or do my long-term plans suffer? or does my daily ministry suffer? where does faith come in, especially in terms of God's provision? do i not pray enough? do i not have enough faith? are my plans not right if i don't get the money for all of them? i do have friends that are meeting their monthly budgets and encourage other supporters to give to their teammates or friends. and especially when it comes to short-term trips, i see funds raised and beyond. not always, but with much more frequency. while i'm on the topic, recently initiative360, which was the combined efforts of the caleb project and ACMC (advancing churches in missions commitment), both of which i HIGHLY respected as effective mobilizers of the american church toward the great commission, folded due to lack of funds. it was a sudden thing, a loss for so many. thankfully, pioneers stepped forward and purchased the assets of initiative360, allowing the remaining staff members to continue their work. money... stupid money.

what is my correct response? i honestly give about 15% of my yearly income to charity/church/other non-profits. is this enough? how can i encourage generosity in my friends and my generation? even if we all gave 15%, would it be "enough"? so many questions and thoughts that i don't have answers to. what organizations are "worthy" of my money? i don't want my emotions to be manipulated (how many world children's fund tv spots have we seen with malnourished, naked children with flies all over them?), but how do i respond correctly? is it selfish that i give mostly to my friends and home church? how do i ascertain the financial responsibility of those i give to?

ok, so the next thing that angelina (can i call her by her first name, as if we were friends?) repeated was how defenseless all refugees are. they basically have only the possessions they carry on their backs, which is frequently just the clothes they wear. they have fled their home countries for fear of their lives. they are not welcome immigrants to the countries they flee to. many have little or no education, no marketable skills, or at least none that can earn them sufficient income in their new places of residence. as illegal immigrants, they have few legal rights in their current countries. they are dependent on NGOs (non-governmental organizations) like the international red cross/red crescent or the UNHCR for the basic necessities of life: food, water, shelter. so as i sit and re-arrange my netflix queue, i wonder about why these defenseless people don't seem to get the same attention in church as the other defenseless ones that are highlighted weekly: the unborn.

we, as Christians, are called to stand up for the rights of the defenseless (the widow, the orphan). there are 20 verses in the ESV that have both "fatherless" and "widow" in them, in all but one, God provides for them. in the other verse, it is a curse!

Deut. 27:19 (ESV)
" 'Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

Deut. 10:18 (ESV)
He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.

wow. these verses even mention "sojourner", which i'm pretty certain includes refugees. how much has america turned a deaf ear to their cries, chose to turn the channel at the hard to see news reports, or simply delighted in our ignorance. we are so consumed in ourselves that we don't even want to give these people an opportunity to break our cold, hard hearts. yes, i'm making generalizations about the american people, but i think we can all humble ourselves and admit that even if we don't live in this state, we have been there at one time or another.

so again, what is the correct response? how do we change the world? what ways can we get involved? what is my personal correct response? how do i acknowledge the blessings God has given me, and the blessings i receive as simply living in the USA, and use them wisely? how do i reconcile these 2 different worlds?

i was pleased to see a letter to the editor in today's newspaper. a woman wrote about the conflict in sudan and the blight of the darfur refugees, and how they need more attention in the media. find the letter and some responses here.

so i think that's it for today. ;-) good job if you actually read this whole thing. i want to come across with a balanced perspective, but still be true to the discrepancies in my own heart and thoughts. i value your feedback.

workin at the bux.

is hard.

it's a steep learning curve for a non-coffee addict. well, you get what i mean.

i think the most frustrating part is that it doesn't come all that naturally to me. i've never really committed myself to thing that are this difficult. and it isn't all that bad, really! but it's just harder than i thought. and this is coming after a grand total of 2 days of work, so i know in a week i'll think it's better. and it just takes time to learn this stuff and get to know my co-workers. it'll be great in a month!

i just looked up some turkish words... i love how when i see them, it comes back to me so quickly. not that i learned more than a handful of phrases and words.

i like how this guy thinks.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god_article.php?id=7325