Wednesday, February 21, 2007

another world

i like books. i am easily absorbed by them. and wherever the story takes place, i feel like i'm there (if written well enough), and i want to go there, geographically. i read a story about a girl in maine, and i wanted to go there. then she went to alaska, and bam, i wanted to go to alaska. i watch shows like LOST, and i want to go to hawaii. then i read a book that takes place in hawaii. double wham! i like the way authors can express how a place looks and feels thru things as simple, and yet complicated, as words. it's cool stuff. i also pretty easily take on the feelings of characters in the books.

usually that's a good thing, at least when i read adventure stories. the latest book i read, however, took place in 1952 rural arkansas, a rather bleak place. and i can't shake the feeling of hopelessness and despair the characters felt. i hate that.

i feel weird subbing, too. i was particularly frustrated today. i went back to my old high school, and actually subbed for 2 teachers i had my freshman year. last time i was there, i felt like i was back in high school myself, competing for social status among others who graduated my year who are also working there. blessedly, that didn't happen this time. but i did run into teachers who knew me, who were asking what i'm doing with my life. and i don't know what to tell them. they all wonder if i'm going into teaching. "no way!" they ask what my degree is and try to come up with a way i can use it. i don't want to! i want to travel, but i have to have money to do that, so i'm subbing. does that make sense? it certainly lacks most of the ambition i felt in high school, and it seems to pale in comparison to the dreams my old teachers had for me, and i do feel like a failure in front of them. i feel like a big disappointment, a waste of scholarship money.

but then i have to remember that my identity is found in Christ, and having a relationship with Him. it doesn't matter what i "do" with my life. it doesn't matter where i work, or what my title is, or how much money i make. what matters is that i am a child of God, a member of the bride of Christ. God has made me uniquely, and i don't have to have a life that looks like anyone else's.

i have to admit, i was pretty jealous of one girl today. i graduated with her, and she is now married and teaching at our old high school. i came home and told my mom about her (we also used to swim together), and my mom said, "well, has she backpacked europe?". i was thankful for that little bit of perspective. as much as i think i want a boyfriend, or even to be married right now, i am so glad i don't/aren't. i am glad i have the freedom to up and go to europe for 2 months. i am glad i have the freedom to move to raleigh next month. i don't think i will, but i don't have a boyfriend here holding me back. and i don't want to teach! i've already explored that option and turned it down. not for me. the benefits seem good - decent pay (amazing compared to what i make now!), summers off, weekends off - but not what i want. not what i'm made for, at least not right now. so i don't want her life, really. i guess i just like the idea of knowing what i'm doing, and what direction my life is taking. but then again, i like not knowing. it definitely adds more adventure to my life!

btw, i still can't stop thinking about the possible trip this summer with tina. i even had one friend say she would support me financially if i decide that is what God wants me to do. and as often as i tell friends that if a missions trip is what God wants them to do, He will provide the funds, i feel like funding is the only thing holding me back right now. i need more confirmation, tho!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

authentic community

We don't know what we're doing
We do it again
We're just amateur lovers
With amateur friends
~switchfoot

this is the current lesson of my life.

a year and a half ago, as i was finishing boot camp and deciding where to go, john and jamie said that for me, who i'm with (what team i'm on) is more important than where i go. i just needed to find the right team, and go with them wherever they were going.
so, community is more important than location.

i went to a "missions dinner" sort of thing last night hosted by some friends of mine. there were 3 married couples and 3 single girls, and it was funny how many "small world" moments we had. i have no plans to join with the agency that hosted the evening, but it was invaluable that i was there and heard about this group and their teams and how they work. it was amazing to hear about how all the members of this organization come from very drastically different backgrounds, yet all love each other and are working toward common goals. they have open dialogs, where communication and understanding are key, but they can also agree to disagree. and how the basis of all their interactions with each other is grace for one another. the woman hosting the evening said she's never been in an environment where conflict is handled so well with such good outcomes.

when i was in oklahoma a few weeks ago, i was able to verbally process with everyone, which was ridiculously amazing for me. as i talked about my "girls" here, i realized that we act as the body of Christ together. all of us have input the others need, and we take turns being the "needy one" and the "encouraging one". and we all add a little bit to the mix that makes more opportunities for God to move and work in us. we are all able to minister to one another and receive from one another. none of us has it all figured out, and none of us can say for certain exactly what the other needs, but we can share our own experiences and what we have learned. we're all on a journey, together, figuring out life as we go. we're all just one beggar, telling another beggar where to find bread.

we're just amateur lovers
with amateur friends.

so here i am, in VA, not in portland, and not overseas on a team. i think this time is vital for my future success overseas. this is a chance for me to practice this authentic community stuff and learn how to do it, and how to encourage others in it. this is my chance to be poured into so that i may pour out in the future. if i had moved, i would have cut short these lessons. if i were overseas, i would be learning them the hard way or failing miserably, or both. so for now, community is more important than location.

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. ~1 Thess. 2:8

By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. ~John 13:35

Thursday, February 15, 2007

i'm tired.

but that's a good thing!

i'm running the shamrock 8k on, you guessed it, st patrick's day, so the training has commenced! i ran 2 miles today, roughly (i need to clock it tomorrow to be sure), and my body is tired. this might be a tough few weeks!

it's good that i'm tired cos i'm subbing at FC again tomorrow. which means i have to be there about 7am. which means i should be in bed now. and i'm going, i'm just glad that i'm (hopefully) tired enough to fall asleep right away!

i applied at starbucks yesterday. i'm not sure what else i will do, whether that comes thru or not.

there is a very slight chance i'll be traveling this summer with a friend to several countries in asia. i'm very excited about it, just thinking about it, but i would have to raise a LOT of money. i keep telling others that if God wants them to go on mission trips, He will provide the money. do i really believe that myself? i guess the question really is if He wants me to go on this trip or not. or just part of it.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

update

so it's been a while since a real "update".

i have decided NOT to move to portland, oregon at the current time. this is very disappointing. i think i would love living there. from what i've seen of it lately, it reminds me a lot of australia. i like the hippie-ish attitude that the city presents. i like that it is close to both the mountains and the ocean. i like that it seems to have many opportunities to challenge myself in outdoor pursuits. i even have a few friends there, or within a few hours' drive. BUT, it's not for me, not now. maybe in 6 months or so.

i did FINALLY hear back from intrepid, the company i want to be a tour guide with overseas. they liked my application and want to interview me, but they do group interviews, so it may take up to 6 months for that to get set up. also, i'm only qualified to lead tours in countries i've been to, which means either turkey or morocco. they only hire aussies to lead in australia, fluent spanish speakers for latin america, and EU passport holders for europe, which means i can't work any of those places. bummer. oh, and they aren't hiring for turkey or morocco right now. so maybe in a year or so.

since that hasn't worked out (yet?), my next favorite idea is to work for STA travel. i sent my cover letter and resume in november, which went unanswered, so i re-did my cover letter and sent it again 3 weeks ago. still no response. they currently have openings in norman, oklahoma (where i went to college), seattle, LA, and madison, wisconsin. i said i'd go anywhere... madison would be a stretch, i'm not sure i could deal with that much winter that well. so if that opportunity comes up, i'm gone.

i also applied and interviewed for a job at the virginia aquarium that i was not selected for. my parents both think i'm overqualified, i disagree. i technically have no customer service experience, and for a private organization that only survives on pleasing the public to make money, i can totally understand why they'd want to hire someone who has had some official experience with references to back them up.

basically, my decision to not move to oregon was based on my current finances. i pretty much hate money. which means i need to earn more of it. that considered, i accepted my 2nd job of the year to sub at FC yesterday. it went fairly well... i wasn't too bored, actually had to work for my money in my first 2 blocks, had lunch (and got to gossip with my favorite teachers), study block, read a while, and went home to nap before 1830. not too shabby. and considering how well i'm paid, as much as i hate to admit it, i may bite the bullet and do more subbing. it really was God's grace that i got a job at FC (my fave school)... my phone was ringing with calls from sub-finder all night, but i couldn't get to it until about the 5th call, which was a job at FC. i don't know for sure where the other jobs were for, but considering there are 12 high schools in VB, they were probably elsewhere, and i could have had a much harder, boring day.

on another job-related note, i am thinking i may try to apply at a local starbucks. sounds like a decent job that will keep me occupied (read: not insanely bored), has benefits, and i could transfer out west later, if i so chose. the problem: i'm a scaredy-cat! i hate rejection, and even tho i wasn't even sure if i wanted the aquarium job, it still hurts that i didn't get it. i don't like filling out applications... my job history is, well, lacking. it's also difficult to describe. how do you write about less than 6 weeks at a crazy law firm answering phones? the office manager hates everyone, there is no way she would give me a good recommendation.

but God has blessed me with unexpected income this week: my dad finally got around to paying me for part of my work on the website for his company, i ran an errand for the above law firm, and at FC, i ran into the mother of a former tutee of mine who again needed help with her calculus homework. so i spent 2 hrs today at the library remembering limits and getting paid for it. not too shabby. i did miss going to see "catch and release" with some of the 1830 kids, which could have been fun, but the price movies are these days, i'm kind of glad i had a real reason to not spend more money.

i'm still sick of living at home. i do get along pretty amazingly well with my parents, i just want to be done with this phase of my life. i want to be on my own, making it on my own, proving to myself that i can do it, living my own life. i want to live with friends that i care about, not parents in their 60's who will always see me as their little girl.

so a recap:
i plan to live in VB for at least the next 6 months, hopefully working my tail off to be in a better place financially. unless intrepid or STA call and want to send me off elsewhere, in which case i'll depart immediately. hopefully by july i can move to portland, if nothing else has come up in the meantime.

for more than 3 months, i kept saying, "i'm hoping to not live here within 6 weeks." but here i am. living here. argh. big sigh.