another world

i like books. i am easily absorbed by them. and wherever the story takes place, i feel like i'm there (if written well enough), and i want to go there, geographically. i read a story about a girl in maine, and i wanted to go there. then she went to alaska, and bam, i wanted to go to alaska. i watch shows like LOST, and i want to go to hawaii. then i read a book that takes place in hawaii. double wham! i like the way authors can express how a place looks and feels thru things as simple, and yet complicated, as words. it's cool stuff. i also pretty easily take on the feelings of characters in the books.

usually that's a good thing, at least when i read adventure stories. the latest book i read, however, took place in 1952 rural arkansas, a rather bleak place. and i can't shake the feeling of hopelessness and despair the characters felt. i hate that.

i feel weird subbing, too. i was particularly frustrated today. i went back to my old high school, and actually subbed for 2 teachers i had my freshman year. last time i was there, i felt like i was back in high school myself, competing for social status among others who graduated my year who are also working there. blessedly, that didn't happen this time. but i did run into teachers who knew me, who were asking what i'm doing with my life. and i don't know what to tell them. they all wonder if i'm going into teaching. "no way!" they ask what my degree is and try to come up with a way i can use it. i don't want to! i want to travel, but i have to have money to do that, so i'm subbing. does that make sense? it certainly lacks most of the ambition i felt in high school, and it seems to pale in comparison to the dreams my old teachers had for me, and i do feel like a failure in front of them. i feel like a big disappointment, a waste of scholarship money.

but then i have to remember that my identity is found in Christ, and having a relationship with Him. it doesn't matter what i "do" with my life. it doesn't matter where i work, or what my title is, or how much money i make. what matters is that i am a child of God, a member of the bride of Christ. God has made me uniquely, and i don't have to have a life that looks like anyone else's.

i have to admit, i was pretty jealous of one girl today. i graduated with her, and she is now married and teaching at our old high school. i came home and told my mom about her (we also used to swim together), and my mom said, "well, has she backpacked europe?". i was thankful for that little bit of perspective. as much as i think i want a boyfriend, or even to be married right now, i am so glad i don't/aren't. i am glad i have the freedom to up and go to europe for 2 months. i am glad i have the freedom to move to raleigh next month. i don't think i will, but i don't have a boyfriend here holding me back. and i don't want to teach! i've already explored that option and turned it down. not for me. the benefits seem good - decent pay (amazing compared to what i make now!), summers off, weekends off - but not what i want. not what i'm made for, at least not right now. so i don't want her life, really. i guess i just like the idea of knowing what i'm doing, and what direction my life is taking. but then again, i like not knowing. it definitely adds more adventure to my life!

btw, i still can't stop thinking about the possible trip this summer with tina. i even had one friend say she would support me financially if i decide that is what God wants me to do. and as often as i tell friends that if a missions trip is what God wants them to do, He will provide the funds, i feel like funding is the only thing holding me back right now. i need more confirmation, tho!