Mexico Missions Trip Brain Dump

I just got home from Tijuana, Mexico, having attended a weekend missions trip with my church.  At the end of a long day last night, the leader asked us our highs and lows for the day.  Most of the things that went through my head in either category didn't seem like things that would be well received, or could seem inappropriate, so I wanted to document some of them here.

Highs:
1. Driving down, talking with Scott, Amelia, and Julie in the car.  Scott reminds me a lot of my dad, and felt like he asked good questions and actually listened to the answers.  Julie is someone I could see myself being good friends with, and Amelia is the first high schooler I've connected with in a long time.    The things we talked about were things I felt I had something good or important to say about them, which increased my self-esteem to feel like I had something to offer to the discussion, or teach someone.
2. Going to the store to shop for lunch.  It was a concrete, helpful thing that I was able to step in and do.  Not that anyone else couldn't have also pushed a cart around and picked out 15 onions from a moldy pile, but compared to the rest of the day where it was harder to tell if I was actually helping or just taking up room (or even being in the way), it was good to know I was contributing.
3. The general being-in-another-country-and-culture feeling.  Looking around, knowing I'm someplace else, and there are new things here to experience is something I enjoy.  I liked this new experience of something familiar (traveling in general, Mexico in specific).
4. The food.  This goes along with #3, but stands alone.  Participating in the making of the food was good, and eating the labor of my work (but not loving the dish). I really enjoyed the tacos, though, at the taco stand on the corner!
5. Walking along the ocean.  This also goes with #3, but stands alone.  After getting to the mission house, 10 of us women went for a walk along the ocean, 1 block away.  There's a boardwalk in north Tijuana that goes all the way up to the border (and a small plaza right on the border) and several blocks (half a mile? 1km?) south of the border.  It was a lovely evening, a good walk, nice to stretch my legs, a chance to talk with some of the women more, and great ocean views.  What wasn't to enjoy?
6. (This is what I actually shared:) Seeing how well the kids behaved.  The orphans in the home were definitely rambunctious and silly, but also were obedient and sweet.  I had feared they would be unruly, manipulative, rebellious, sullen, angry, or worse.  They pleasantly surprised me, and I have a lot more faith than skepticism in the overall ministry and orphanage situation.  (Later learning a few more details of who the adults are that live in the house with the kids as house parents didn't exactly grow my confidence, however.)
7. Participating in making lunch.  Again, this is a concrete "help" that I was able to provide.  I didn't love cutting 7 onions and squeezing 20+ limes, but it was something that needed to be done that I was able to do. Picking chicken wasn't on the top of my list of things I've wanted to do, either, but I can confidently say I was positively contributing at that time.
8. Knowing enough Spanish to be able to track the topic, if not the majority of conversations I was listening to, or the speaker at church this morning.  I was encouraged to learn more and practice more.
9. The ride home, and getting to share my story and hear more of Diane's and Bruce's story.  I was by far the youngest in the car, but rather than feeling like I have to prove myself or that I lack in some big way, I felt among my peers, even if they are far more experienced than I.  It was also encouraging to get to know 2 older single women that I enjoy and respect.
10. By the end of the 2 days, I appreciated being able to share some of my hesitations, questions and concerns and actually get somewhere with them.  Speaking them out loud helped me to a) clarify my thought/position; b) shed light on the areas I was just being myopic and ethnocentric; c) bring truth to balance my position, and d) engage in more conversation to distill my thoughts and strengthen a relationship with someone else with different thoughts/opinions.

Lows:
1. Lack of organization and planning.  It drove me nuts.  It was challenging to me that a lot of the smaller details weren't planned out, even if they weren't the result of any one person not thinking ahead.    I really wasn't sure where I fit in most of the time, or what would be appropriate or not.  Next time I'll have a much better sense of what to expect, and it won't offend me quite as much.
2. There were several times I wanted more information (about the kids, the staff, the men from the ranch, the plan for the day, the possibilities of what could come next, the steps needed for X to happen, etc) that I felt awkward and/or prying if I were to actually ask.  I might have been more bold, as some of the others were, to get more answers, but it seemed presumptuous or rude to ask some of the questions I wanted answers for.  Other times, there simply wasn't an answer, it was a play-it-by-ear situation.
3. Not eating lunch until 330pm.  I didn't know that was an option, much less the plan (I don't think it really was the plan, but I didn't understand the process to be able to figure it out myself).  I was starting to shut down because I was so hungry and was losing patience quickly.  Eating a snack helped, but eating a better snack earlier would heave been better.  If there is a next time, I will be sure to have a good protein granola bar to munch on around the noon hour.
4. (What I actually shared, or part of this:) Hearing the kids' stories.  I felt like the kids were asked to bare their hearts to complete strangers so they could be "on display" for us to watch or run in and attempt a pitiful rescue mission on.  I felt like we were voyeuristic or opportunistic and they were simply our prey.  That is a strong way of explaining the awkwardness and unease I felt about hearing such personal stories.  I wanted to be careful in guarding their hearts, to not overexpose or manipulate them for our own sense of "I want to feel good about coming to 'help' these poor children."
4 1/2: Carlos was able to answer some of this for me.  He explained that they want to train the children to share their testimonies about what God has done for them early, and he wants them to be able to be open and transparent about who they are and not hide their pain or who they are out of fear or shame.
5. Missions trips are hard.  Being in close proximity with so many people of such varying backgrounds and levels of healing and maturity themselves is always hard. I was overwhelmed at times by the noise and up-front level of conversation (asking a woman who just had a baby about her method of contraception).  There were a ton of people in that house all day, and no where to have a quiet conversation.
6. The general frustration and anxiety I feel in a new place/situation.  I didn't know what to expect in many ways, and most of that is just learned.  Some of it is simply remembering how things work different in other countries that I don't have to deal with on a regular basis and feeling like I'd smacked my head against an invisible brick wall. It's just hard to remember some of these things until I do them again.
7. Wondering how this trip fits in with my overall distrust of short-term missions trips.  This is more my own personal struggle to think through: how are we not more of a burden? How can we minimize the impact of our stay? Keeping it shorter helps in a lot of ways.  I don't want to sweep in and begin to build relationships with kids who need consistency in their lives, then leave the very next day.  I want to respect their privacy and not know every detail of their sad past.  Yet I want to know who they are and how there but am too afraid of offending or prying to ask. Is this type of trip really that encouraging to the long-termers? Does it really do much towards building good will with our church and theirs?  Can we really do good when there are some outspoken and potentially offensive people on our team (who don't realize that)? Can I participate in the good with my critical mindset?  How do I empower those doing the work, support and love them, from one weekend?  How do I not let my own boredom overpower my willingness to serve?