Tuesday, September 29, 2009

thoughts from week 1

there are so many people on campus! it's so weird! those of us who have been around all summer seem a bit overwhelmed: it went from eerily quiet to loud and busy so quickly!

i'm not nearly as excited about my classes this time around. i think it's primarily because i'm a bit burned out. there aren't any classes this quarter that really excite me. but after attending first lectures in all my classes (ok, both), i'm kind of relieved that they won't be as overwhelming as i had feared. neither will be easy, and both will require a lot of work, but the professors of both classes don't seem to have unrealistic expectations of their students, which is more than i can say for other professors.

the official SIS photo shoot was today. it's a tradition that goes back something like 60 years - a photo of all current School of Intercultural Studies students. i ran into my favorite professor there, who stopped to talk to me. i loved it. ;-) i also ran into a few other friends that i hadn't seen in weeks, or even all summer. that was great, too. you know what else was amazing? the weather! ahhh, so nice! for once, it was a "fall" day, though i know it won't last forever!

tonight i'm going on a night hike with Oasis. a few of us from pasadena are carpooling over to azusa to meet up with some APU students to hike the garcia trail. i don't know much about it, but i'm excited to get out and use my legs for more than transportation. that sounded a bit weird, but i'm excited.

this weekend i'm going to joshua tree again! i'm quite excited about that, too!! it's another Oasis trip, though i think our group will be smaller this time around, maybe 8 or 9 of us. last year we had 14, i think. matt is heading up our trip again, but maybe only 3 of us are repeats from last year?? i'm not sure. i don't even know what our plan is, but i can't wait!

on a more somber note, please pray for a friend of mine. they are going through a really rough time, are slightly disillusioned, and may be sent back to their country of origin because of visa issues. my heart hurts for this friend, but no amount of encouragement or praise will accomplish anything, so the best i can do is pray and ask you to pray.

i'm making masaman curry for dinner tomorrow night. funny to say, but i've been looking forward to it for a while now. tomorrow, i'm doing it! i've invited a few friends over to join me, so i'm glad for that, too. ;-) should be yummy and fun!

ooof. week 1. i'm really not ready for it. summer was too long and too short at the same time. i am SO thankful for a regular weekly schedule, though, even if that means i have to do a lot of work. i'm ready for that part.

i was looking at plane tickets today. i'm really not sure if i will make it back to VA in dec or not. if i go back for suzanne's wedding, i'll likely go dec 16. from there, i'll fly to san fran dec 23 or 24, then ride with my parents back down to pasadena/LA before new year's eve. or i could just fly from here up to san fran dec 23 or 24. it's $70 vs $410. kind of a big difference. and while i'm in VA, i can't be working at starbucks, either. so as of now, it's looking like VA is a no-go, unfortunately. i would LOVE to see all you VA people, so feel free to come visit me!

it really is amazing the difference the weather has on my attitude, or some other psychological impact. the cooler weather today really feels like a burden lifted off my shoulders. strange, but true. and clouds! there are clouds in the sky! they made for a pretty sunset just now!

well, that's probably enough about week 1. i'll post more later on the specifics of my classes this quarter.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

compelled by love

for the sake of many reasons and people, this blog post will be ambiguous. sorry.

i recently received an email that requested a response. it was a polite request, seasoned with hospitality and grace to decline. but it also contained the dreaded "R" word: responsibility. the request gently reminded me of my responsibility as a citizen of God's Kingdom to comply.

i had been pondering this "obligation" for some months now. in order to proceed with integrity, a past hurt needed to be forgiven and healed. i have forgiven, but it hasn't been healed completely. i also think taking this step in faith may be required to be completely healed.

in order to move in this direction, i need to take stock in the whole situation, not one small part of it. what i do see doesn't lead me decisively in one direction or another.

in order to respond with joy, my motivation needs to be love. i want to be compelled by love.

i have felt obligated for months to take this step, but i have learned that, for me, "obedience" (for something as complicated as this, i'm not 100% certain of God's command, hence the quotation marks) that is motivated by "oughts" and "shoulds" induces self-hatred. i hate myself for not "feeling" such a way that this step would be an appropriate love response. i hate myself for doing things so that i'll look good, or so that i won't look bad in front of others. i hate myself for doing things simply for the recognition i may receive: "she's such a good Christian!" because then, my real motivation is people-pleasing, manipulation, deceit.

i do know that it's often true that with obedience, the heart changes. when i step in the right direction out of faith and obedience, my heart and attitude align themselves with the cause and i am a changed woman. that is certainly true most of the time that fear is what is holding me back. i don't believe that is the case here, so i'm not sure if obedience is the key.

i still haven't decided how to respond to the email. i don't know what all is truly at stake, but i do believe that if i were a perfect person and this were a perfect world, my step of accepting this request would be God-honoring, which is something i want to strive for. i would love for my every action to be God-honoring. but i am not a perfect person, and i am certain i will fail at least once to be God-honoring in this particular exercise. and this is not a perfect world, and i am certain parts of this situation will at one point or another be more harmful than good. it is not a black and white case, it is nuanced in a million shades.

i want to be honest with myself, and recently i have given myself permission to let go, to not be bound by "oughts" and "shoulds". they have been faithful to me, on keeping me out of thousands of bad situations, but they have been a curse of legalism to me, as well.

i do know that at the end of the day, if my heart is compelled by love, this scenario has a much, much better chance of glorifying God. it has a chance to be a method of my heart's continual healing. it has the potential to be a story of redemption and transformation. there is much hope.

IF i am compelled by love.

so Lord, open my heart to love.

Friday, September 18, 2009

uuuuuugh.

i HATE this feeling. i would never wish this feeling on anyone.

so today is the last day of summer quarter. as you're probably aware, it was not an easy summer for me. i was really looking forward to just being DONE with everything, just to put it all behind me.

well as the week drew to a close, it became painfully obvious to me that i wasn't going to complete everything. i could have finished my papers for my islam class, but one of the assignments was to spend 3 hours with a muslim, and i hadn't done that yet. i emailed the professor last weekend (he doesn't live in southern california), and told him i didn't think i could do that part. he said it was worth 15 points, so the highest i could get in the class is a B. it's supposed to be a pretty easy class, in the end, so i felt silly earning a B in the class. my other class i had to finish, advocacy, i should have been working on for a while now. i realized that the idea i had for my final paper wasn't sufficient. i still am not quite sure what i should do, or where i should go with the topic.

i did finish my prophets class on monday night. that paper, once i started writing it, was really fun and i think i did pretty well on it. it's my only grade for the class, so i hope i was right!!! it really was a breeze to write, once i sat down and did it. i was hoping advocacy would go just as smoothly, but alas, it didn't, and i started to freak out.

i did complete all my book reviews for both classes, so it's nice to have them done. i was able to email my islamics professor last night and ask for an incomplete, which he graciously granted me, so i quit working on that paper and turned my attention to advocacy. i definitely could have finished islamics by 5pm today, minus the hanging out with a muslim bit, but i wasn't able to get in touch with any of the three advocacy professors until later this afternoon. since i wasn't sure if i would be granted an incomplete in that class, i had to keep working on the paper! i figured i'd just chug along for the parts i could complete, then worry about the lacking parts later. it was a HUGE relief when i finally got an email back from one of the profs which i quickly printed out, attached to my petition, and took over to the registrar's office.

so i'd still like to finish my islamics paper tonight, but when i went back to it, my mind was just blank. i HATE the feeling of being sleep deprived, my body just hurts and my head doesn't focus very well. so i feel like any work i can accomplish today isn't going to be quality, anyway, so i might as well give up. especially since i now have until dec 11 to finish! i will still work on my papers and hopefully finish them this week, and hang out with a muslim soon.

so you can be praying that i will have the discipline to go ahead and finish now, and also that i will have a better fall quarter than my summer quarter was! ugh!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

one more down...

i just completed one more book report. i have a looong way to go before friday at 5, though!

a friend of mine is an amazing photographer. her photos tell stories, her heart behind every one of them. the latest entry of her blog sits unopened on my homepage: "the kids of cambodia." i just can't bring myself to "read" it, even though i search for ways to kill time. i think her photos will just about kill me.

my new roommate, judy, arrived this week! she is so cute and has a great sense of humor. and she loves to travel. and says things like "i think i'll give it a pass", which i love. this is going to be great!

i can't even think about anything else to say to procrastinate. wish me luck!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

politics

i have really enjoyed watching the west wing over the last 6+ months. i never thought i would love the politics so much, but i've learned a lot. it's interesting how policies are made, and then politicized so they can be implemented.

i have never cared for politics, at least the manipulative, conniving, numbers game part. when i was in high school, i had an amazing government teacher. she even won teacher of the year shortly after i graduated. while taking her class, i thought that i could potentially end up in politics myself. there was a weekend trip to washington that she invited me to go on, but the trip failed to materialize. but considering whether or not the cost of the trip would be worth it, i realized how much i was indeed interested in politics and policy and governing.

in politics today, i'm all over the page. i'm often too lazy to be truly informed, but i find myself more and more interested in policy decisions that involve social justice issues. when i lived in virginia, i attended a church that was very anti-abortion, and a lot of people there made it seem like abortion was the one issue that mattered, that this one issue should determine which candidates to vote for. their stance and they way they declared it turned me off to politics, and it definitely turned me off to that church. i quit attending it soon thereafter (but for a number of other reasons, as well).

so here i am, about to write a paper on immigration. i haven't done much research yet, but it is certainly a hot topic here in california where our economy is built on the backs of immigrants, documented and undocumented, historical and current. (and not to mention that this land used to belong to mexico, so who's the immigrant?)

i remembered the other day an exercise we did in that high school government class. for about 3 weeks, we created a mock congress. we each were assigned to be senators from different states, and we were each required to bring forth 2 pieces of legislation, which then went to committee and some made it out of committee... to be honest, i don't even remember the full process. (anyone have that school house rock video of "i'm a bill" i could borrow??) what i do remember is that one of my bills was to increase the quota of immigrants allowed to enter the US annually. my bill didn't make it out of committee, and i was disappointed that i didn't even have a chance to argue my case.

perhaps that chance is now.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

an old friend that came to visit:

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

while i'm at it...

i've been listening to the derek webb album "stockholm syndrome" this week. the news about jaycee lee dugard had me thinking about how someone can form a bond with their captor, a condition labeled "stockholm syndrome". i was thinking about how sin does the same with us... we find ourselves agreeing with the lies and the atrocities simply so we can live another day... it's a coping mechanism. and so it reminded me that it's the title of derek webb's album, and i love it. i don't know for sure if that's where derek was going with his title, but regardless of that connection, i have enjoyed the songs. the lyrics are insightful and thought-provoking. i may not agree with all the lyrics, but i appreciate derek's honesty and boldness to bring his hot-issues into the limelight.