compelled by love

for the sake of many reasons and people, this blog post will be ambiguous. sorry.

i recently received an email that requested a response. it was a polite request, seasoned with hospitality and grace to decline. but it also contained the dreaded "R" word: responsibility. the request gently reminded me of my responsibility as a citizen of God's Kingdom to comply.

i had been pondering this "obligation" for some months now. in order to proceed with integrity, a past hurt needed to be forgiven and healed. i have forgiven, but it hasn't been healed completely. i also think taking this step in faith may be required to be completely healed.

in order to move in this direction, i need to take stock in the whole situation, not one small part of it. what i do see doesn't lead me decisively in one direction or another.

in order to respond with joy, my motivation needs to be love. i want to be compelled by love.

i have felt obligated for months to take this step, but i have learned that, for me, "obedience" (for something as complicated as this, i'm not 100% certain of God's command, hence the quotation marks) that is motivated by "oughts" and "shoulds" induces self-hatred. i hate myself for not "feeling" such a way that this step would be an appropriate love response. i hate myself for doing things so that i'll look good, or so that i won't look bad in front of others. i hate myself for doing things simply for the recognition i may receive: "she's such a good Christian!" because then, my real motivation is people-pleasing, manipulation, deceit.

i do know that it's often true that with obedience, the heart changes. when i step in the right direction out of faith and obedience, my heart and attitude align themselves with the cause and i am a changed woman. that is certainly true most of the time that fear is what is holding me back. i don't believe that is the case here, so i'm not sure if obedience is the key.

i still haven't decided how to respond to the email. i don't know what all is truly at stake, but i do believe that if i were a perfect person and this were a perfect world, my step of accepting this request would be God-honoring, which is something i want to strive for. i would love for my every action to be God-honoring. but i am not a perfect person, and i am certain i will fail at least once to be God-honoring in this particular exercise. and this is not a perfect world, and i am certain parts of this situation will at one point or another be more harmful than good. it is not a black and white case, it is nuanced in a million shades.

i want to be honest with myself, and recently i have given myself permission to let go, to not be bound by "oughts" and "shoulds". they have been faithful to me, on keeping me out of thousands of bad situations, but they have been a curse of legalism to me, as well.

i do know that at the end of the day, if my heart is compelled by love, this scenario has a much, much better chance of glorifying God. it has a chance to be a method of my heart's continual healing. it has the potential to be a story of redemption and transformation. there is much hope.

IF i am compelled by love.

so Lord, open my heart to love.