my stomach turns...

just got a great (as usual) email from ryan (and michaela, now). they talk about the incomprehensible juxtaposition of poverty and football... watch about the cholera crisis in africa, then turn the channel to catch the highlights on sportscenter. i work at a starbucks in a posh area of town, and there are (at least) 3 homeless people living out front. what do i do? how do i respond? my stomach turns.

i'm really much more selfish and self-centered than that. jealousy also does my tummy in knots. there, i said it. i'm a jealous person.

i'm meeting up with an old friend tomorrow. it's going to be interesting for sure. flip-flop goes my insides.

i keep thinking about a situation i have no control over, that i should be happy about. but i play out the what-ifs in my head, the alternate universe my head has created. my stomach turns with every new "what if?"

or maybe i'm just hungry.

merry Christmas

it's been a while... it's been nice to be unplugged for a while. it's been go-go-go, that i feel like i haven't been able to sit and think about anything, it's all just "what's the next thing?" it's been like that over a month, although thankfully, in the last 2 weeks or so, it's been mostly social events to attend, and not tasks to accomplish. phew!

i enjoyed, for the most part, my family reunion last week. actually, i enjoyed all of it, but i had hoped to talk to other family members more. we went up to bryce, where it sleeted overnight and a nice layer of freezing rain, too, but no snow. bummer!

hmmmm... so i'm a tad disappointed at the moment, tho i was completely content 10 minutes ago. it just occurred to me that i didn't get but one thing on my Christmas list! i did get several very great things, and i'm so excited for the bag that was on my list that i did get, but apparently dec 2 was too late to send my wish list to my family.

it did occur to me last night and today that for the first time, i'm much more excited about what i gave this year than i received.

that's about all the thinking i've done much of the last few weeks1 forgive my brain for trying to rest!

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short story.

ok, so at the beginning of the quarter, i went to the bookstore to buy my books that i needed, and found a lot of other interesting books, too. one of the "extra" books was an old, used copy of a book called "rural development: putting the last first." it sounds like a lot of what Jesus said (right?), when He said the first should be last and the last should be first. so i was happy i found such a great book for $10!

well, then my class started, and i skimmed the book and realized that it's pretty outdated and that development theory has come a loooong way since 1983, when that book was published. also, the guy isn't even a Christian! so much to my dismay, that Bible verse isn't even in the book! sad! what a waste of $10!

so now i'm writing my final paper for my poverty and development class. on my last paper, one of the comments was that i need to use the original source for material, not my professor's book, where he talks about all these other guys. i should go back to the original place the other guy said it if want to quote or reference it. and lo and behold, i'm writing the paper on sunday nite (the day before it's due), and i need the original source on something this guy said. crap, the library's closed.

OH WAIT!!! I HAVE THAT BOOK!!!!! SWEETNESS!!
so now i have the source i need for this one reference for my paper. woohoo!

come.

my heart is a mess.
i see that and have many questions, and i want all the answers. why do i feel the way i do? have i been hurt? why do i feel hurt? who has hurt me? do i have the right to be hurt? am i just being selfish and immature? what are all the emotions i'm feeling? why do i feel them?

i want answers because i think knowing all the "whys" will help me fix myself.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i think that if i can figure out what i'm feeling and why, i will know how to pray.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i want to know all these answers so i can program myself to respond "better" and "more appropriately" in the future. so i will know what all the right words are so that no one knows that i'm anything but fine.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i think that if i can analyze myself better, i will be more lovable.

Jesus says I already love you. come to Me, and i will give you rest.

Jesus, how do i come?

culture shock

yup, i'm experiencing culture shock. it doesn't make it easier to know what it is, but it does make me feel less crazy. i've been here close to 3 months, and the charm is wearing off. relationship are more real (aka hard), the gloss of classes is long gone, and my emotions and frustrations are off the charts.

the honeymoon is over.

yup, it's culture shock. and i've got less than 2 weeks here to make sense of it before going home, to another type of culture shock.

pray for me!

things i'm thankful for:

my computer
wifi in class
rain
chacos
plastic spoons
U2
my job
the office
maps
norwegian friends
health
chapstick
an oven
chocolate!
tina fey as sarah palin
charlie hall
shampoo
keens
target within walking distance
airplanes
other countries to visit
the minimal spanish i know
smiles and laughter
cell phones
paul bettany
instant message, skype, and email
radar
tv on the internet
the Holy Spirit
thai food
diet dr pepper
the ocean
hiking
the mountains
house church
thursday am prayer
my 3 asian groupmates
small world connections
australian accents
being on facebook in class
sleep
coffeemate
chocolate and mint together
jack johnson
pizza
long walks and talks, whether in person or on the phone
care packages from my girls
chairs
honest conversations
friends all over the world
thunderstorms
the color blue
chex bars
itunes
national parks
blogs
linear thinking
fog
decentralized (non)institutions
chick-fil-a
dancing
good books
curly hair
zephyr's
that i don't live in eastern europe
thundersnow
clouds on the mountains
digital cameras
morocco
longsleeve t-shirts
hope
windows that open
naps
pdf's
and pfd's
kayaking!
did i mention chocolate yet?
moose!!!!!
contacts
time
panera
coffee tumblers
eucalyptus trees
confused flowers that bloom in the winter
friends with cars who drive me places
imdb
rocks big enough to climb around on
the sound of rain on the roof
fun neighbors
seasons
in-n-out burger
rusty's custard
photography
sunsets and sunrises
jackie
hoodies

and of course, all my friends and family!

remember, ponder, ask of God

something happened the other day (tho i really can't remember what) that made me think about the times that God has spoken clearly to me.

there's the one time i literally heard the voice of God. i was in college, my senior year, living in parkview. i had stayed up late working on a presentation i had to give for class that i dreaded. i overslept somehow, and as clear as day, i heard my name. just "dianne." only it was prasha's voice. and prasha is nepali and doesn't say my name quite the same way as anyone else. but of course, prasha wasn't there. and i knew immediately it was God that had spoken my name to wake me up.

i was thinking of several things that God spoke clearly to my heart while i was in europe. many of them i have associated with a hike i went on in norway, but when i looked back at my journal, they happened over the course of a few weeks, not a few hours on the side of a mountain. one of those was me wanting to get a dog. and i quickly and immediately knew in my heart that i couldn't because i wouldn't be in america long enough to take care of it.

i look back on the first few weeks of my trip and am thankful for the lessons i learned. and even moreso, i am thankful for the time i had with Jesus. i was completely dependent on Him (like in Goteborg, sweeden - look at the archives of my blog), and i was desperate for Him. i needed answers to the things my heart questioned. tho it is funny... the 5 questions that i had written out and asked God to answer, not one of them was answered on the trip. a few were answered in coming months, once i returned, but some are just starting to arise again right now.

it's funny that God answers prayers in ways that are so completely different. for some of those questions, it just seemed like the way God answered them was to just set them aside. i didn't really need those answers. but He did answer other prayers, questions i didn't even know i was asking until He answered them. others were a clear "no", but He gave me the option and let me decide for myself that i didn't really want what i was asking for (like earlier this week).

so for now, i wonder what questions my heart is asking that i don't even know about. i wonder what questions i do have that i am asking the wrong question about. i wonder what questions God will clearly answer.

i wonder what i will look back upon and see that God spoke so clearly about.

i sometimes just have to laugh.

man, God is so crazy sometimes!!

ok, so my post yesterday was me complaining about what i lack in the face of all that God has so richly, abundantly provided for me. at Bible study last night and at cohort this morning, we talked about John 6, where Jesus feeds 5000 people. He didn't need to, He just did it out of His own extravagance and abundance. and not only did He feed them, but 12 (TWELVE!) baskets of food were left over!! at Bible study, the application was "what extravagant thing will God do for me this week?" we also discussed how Jesus asked phillip to feed the people, but he clearly didn't know how. so the other application question was "what impossible thing is God calling me to do that i have to let Him do?"

at cohort, my thought was that even tho they only had 5 loaves and 2 fish, Jesus still gave thanks for it. it was afterward that it was multiplied. so what small things do i have that i can offer thanks for, that God can use in huge ways?

well, as discussed yesterday, i have HUGE things to be thankful for, and i am so grateful to be here to learn and do the things i am. so even as i feel i'm lacking in some ways, i do have SOMETHING to be thankful for. i wish i had more, but i should be (and am) grateful for half-fulfillment of these things.

i walked into my class this afternoon, and it's held in the same room that chapel is held in earlier in the day. i don't usually go to chapel, and i'd never see a "program" or whatever for it, so i saw one on a bench and looked over it. yup, psalm 103:1-5 was printed on the back. true story.

ok, God, i get it! i will bless You for all you are and do in my life!

this is really where the funny part comes in, and as i thought about it tonite, i realize this is the 2nd time God has done this to me. so in a weird way, God kind of dangled before me what i thought i was lacking. and i DEFINITELY don't want it anymore!! i mean, i am sure that i will want it again later, but man, NOT NOW!! (the first time, i was in europe, and God clearly spoke to me just once and it settled the matter for the next 2 years.)

and so i laugh at God. or is it with God...?

i trust in You

Hillsong "Healer":
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands


i awoke with this song in my head this morning. i learned it 2 weeks ago, i think, when we were praying over my friend who is seriously sick. it has different meaning for me, and i'm thankful for it (and itunes).

psalm 103:1-5
bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless His holy name!
bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

God has been SO good to me! i have had the opportunity the past few days to tell of His goodness, to think back upon the past 2 months that i've been here, as well as the past 7 years (my most significant growth in Christ in my life).

my life here is more than i could have asked for. i enjoy it immensely and am learning things i had never considered.

yet i long for more. my desires are selfish, like i am somehow entitled to more. instead of being thankful for the incredible abundance, i am constantly wrestling with what i don't have right now. i don't want to be fighting this battle, but like my roommate said last nite, if i don't struggle with it - keep laying it down (and then pick it up again) - it will only become a huge monster that overtakes my life. it already overtakes more of my thoughts and energy than i can really admit, and i'm so ashamed.

so for now, i say that Jesus, i trust in You. You are more than enough for me, You're all i need. i will bless You, i will not forget Your benefits: Your salvation, Your forgiveness, Your healing, Your redemption, Your steadfast love and mercy, Your goodness to me in every way conceivable, even in what i think i lack.

i trust in You.

a glimpse of light in the darkness of studies

i'm sick of schoolwork, in so many ways. mainly i just get frustrated by assignments that have no meaning to me, like required readings that are full of long, big, stupid words and that have no relevance to either my assignment or the class discussions.

but occasionally (ok, most of the time) i come across something that makes sense.

"Perception of this unbreakable link between justice and love is a step toward recognition of the utter freedom of God who cannot be shackled by anything, not even by our ethics and theologies of justice, but can be encountered only within the practice of justice and loving relationships. That means concern for justice will unfold into contemplation of God's gratuitous love adn abounding tenderness, which provide justice with its true horizons, reference points, and depths of meaning. The justice of God is God's love that gives and forgives endlessly. Among such gifts are opportunities and challenges, at times painful and mysterious, to grow to the Everest possibilities of the human heart--opportunities of the kind offered to Job and Jesus."
-Samuel Rayan, "Wrestling in the Night"

something to chew on, eh?

time and directions

my sense of time is skewed. i depend heavily on the sun to clue me in on approximately what time it is. the weather, too, in as much as the seasons dictating what angle the sun should be at what time.

so especially with the LA fires, which dim the sun a bit (even tho it is fully sunny), my sense of time is quite screwed up. i look outside and think, wow, it's already 4 or 430pm? then i check my watch: try 1:30. the sun is at a low angle and it's 90 degrees, that must mean it's about 6pm. nope, 3:30. 6pm is completely dark, even if it is 75 degrees still.

when we were hiking yesterday, i apparently was a little turned-around directionally (which makes sense after winding around on mountain roads a while to get there). i kept thinking it was already mid to late-afternoon, even tho it was only 11am. it seemed like we were heading east and the sun was setting in the west, as it was at a lower angle. nope, the canyon we were in opened to the south, and the sun was at a low angle just because it's mid-november. oops.

when i was in australia, i would get mixed up all the time. i still often mess up directions based on where the sun is. yes, the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west, but in the winter months, it is to the north, not the south. i still think of campus being north of the residence halls, when actually it's south.

in VA, the ocean is to the east, and inland is to the west. so here, i get confused since it's opposite. i didn't realize how ingrained that definition of east and west are until i mis-speak it out here. i mean to say malibu is west, but since it's on the coast, that, by definition makes it to the east. nope, it's really west of here.

so i'm sure most of you are like, dianne, you're just silly, but it's these little things that mess me up, that make me realize that the way i think of things doesn't make it correct. it's a bit humbling, and i definitely need that!

dianne would like...

to stop someone else's pain.

to scream truth at someone.

to have more self-discipline when it comes to studying.

to forget the past, at least some of it.

to know why remembering the past, both good and bad parts, is painful.

to not have a headache.

to not be so melancholy.

to be able to structure my papers better.

to stop the clock.

to jump ahead 5 years.

to have a best friend.

to understand people.

to travel more.

to know the heart of God.

to have more discernment.

to dance my heart out.

to communicate more clearly.

to radiate glory.

to understand myself.

no one notices the contrast of white on white

i need to cut my bangs again. they're getting too long.

i want to post, and keep my public aware of the goings-on, but i don't know what to say. it's been a more introspective, less intensive week. in a lot of ways, i feel like i've reached my max, but i've only just begun.

i decided on a topic for my final paper for poverty and development - trace the growth of greg mortenson's ideas of development thru his book, "three cups of tea". yes, the same book i read this summer that i loved. i'm excited that i get to write a paper about it! but at the same time, i wonder if there are enough sources to really develop it well. and of the sources i already have, it will take a LOT of reading and sorting thru to find the bits that are good for this class and paper. so it will take a LOT of work, and i wish i could work on nothing else the next 3 weeks. the end of the quarter is coming quickly!!

i was advised by dave scott this week, the head honcho. it was really encouraging. we talked about my current classes, and he validated my frustrations and concerns. we talked about classes for the next quarter as well as my whole time here. i only get 8 elective classes!!! how is that possible? there are about 20 that i want to take! that's 8 classes for my concentration and anything else beyond the "core" classes. so next quarter it's 2 core classes and one other, hopefully in the development track. i had wanted to go to lebanon this summer and take 3 classes there, but that's 3 of my 8 classes. i could go and have it count as my practicum, but i wanted to do my practicum elsewhere - somewhere i could see myself living and working full time. a friend mentioned possibly going to morocco, and that would be awesome. but dave was saying that for what i want to do, the lebanon thing makes a lot of sense to do as my practicum, but that i should wait until next year. once the classes offered this summer are posted in the next few weeks, i'll have a better sense of next summer. (and then i should have preferred dates for when you all should come visit!!!!)

all in all, it was a good conversation that helps me plan a track for my next 7 quarters. it'll be interesting to see where it leads!

i woke up today just TIRED. i went to prayer at ruth's, which was great, as usual, but i had to leave early to go to a group meeting for global theology that didn't last very long. i wish i could have stayed at prayer. we were praying for a friend who has been really sick, and so i've been wrestling with that for a few days now. how do i pray for her? what's the appropriate response for her suffering? what is my part in her healing? why hasn't God acted yet? does He really still heal people? what else should we be doing? do i have the faith for it? is my faith required? what part does worship have in prayer? why do i suck at prayer so badly? why is it so hard? why can i not discipline myself better to pray alone? i "do" pretty well when i'm in a group setting, but not so much by myself. what's the deal with that? what do i really believe about prayer in general? what do i really believe about healing in general? how does this affect my relationship with that friend? what is the role of the Bible in prayer? (what is the role of prayer in the Bible?)

so anyway, i FINALLY found the guy in the library that i needed to help me with EndNote. now i need to play with EndNote, now that it's working on my computer, so i know how to use it for paper writing.

i have so much general research i need to do, it's hard to create an attack plan so i know what there is left to do. i also have to write another dumb theology paper. i get SO frustrated with that class! i LOVE the professor, as a person, but NOT as a lecturer for an introductory class. it just doesn't suit him. i still don't even have a real definition of what theology IS, so i don't know what constitutes a theological article (that would be suitable to analyze for my paper due next week) or what isn't. so far i've found several interesting articles that seem "theological", but apparently they aren't. then he mention several articles that don't seem theological at all, but apparently are. i just don't get it. my group mates are trying to help me, and their discussion is helpful, but not so much their suggestions. i mean, i know they mean well, and i know i'm just grumbling a lot, but i guess i don't want them to just hand me articles that will work for the paper, i want to know what to look for when i try to find my own articles. the simple solution is just to use 2 that we are using in class, but i don't understand both articles on a given topic. i usually understand the non-western articles - they are generally more practical, down to earth, and less philosophical. often they are just written more understandably, too.

so i have to go to work tonite. i am NOT looking forward to it. it's so stressful and frustrating. there's just pretty poor communication, and i'm not around enough to get most of the communication, anyway. i feel like i'm constantly putting out fires when i go to work. it's like it's always a hive of crazy activity that i have to dive into for a few hours, but i don't ever really understand what's going on while i'm there. i want to be working toward the greater good and organization of the store, but i don't understand what the goals are or how to get there. so then i feel like an apathetic jerk.

so i'm going hiking this weekend! i'm quite excited! we're going to the bridge to nowhere. back in the 1930's, there was a road up there, but the road has since been washed out. but the bridge remains! some of my friends hiked up there this sunday to bungee jump off it, and they had a blast! i don't plan to bungee anytime soon, but i am excited for the hike. it should be good times and good company. and there's a stream/river that has to be crossed multiple times. woohoo! the downside is that it's supposed to be 95. ugh. not so great weather for a hike. especially in november! someone needs to remind God of that fact!

i lost my cell phone tuesday nite. i went to zephyr's coffee house to hang out and have our Bible study, and i think i left it in one of the chairs or couches. i know i had it when i went inside (there's a large outdoor patio, too), because i was texting matt to let him know the couch opened up if he and hanne wanted to come in to sit there, but then they didn't, so i moved over to the couch. i realized when i got home that i didn't have it, and looked everywhere in the apt. i went down and looked in courtney's car, but no luck. wed am, after i got home from work (read: everything that could go wrong, did, but it was all part of the fun, in a way) i called zephyrs and they didn't have it and didn't find it. courtney said we could go back after class yesterday to look for it. after class, she had a group meeting, and i wanted a nap, so she finished her meeting and i was still asleep, so she left to go study without me. which was fine, in a way, since i wanted to cook a real dinner and i didn't have much studying to do, but i was kind of upset bc i didn't know if courtney knew where to look for my phone. i later emailed my mom and asked if the insurance only covers damaged phones, or lost phones, too. so apparently she called my phone and left a message like "whoever has this phone, the owner would like it back, so please give it back to her." i DIED laughing - who is going to check my voicemail?! and try to figure out what the code is to listen to the voicemail? and how will they know it's my phone? there's not a business card taped on the back or anything. my poor sweet mother!! while courtney was at zephyrs, she was studying with andre, so he tried to help her look for my phone. after courtney left, hanne sat down, and they were all in the room with the couch and chair where i was sitting. so when my mom called, hanne felt it, bc she was sitting in the chair where my phone had slipped down between the cushions! andre told her i was looking for my phone, so hanne called my phone to see if it would ring, if it was indeed mine, and of course it did! so yay! hanne found my phone because my mom called it! great story, eh?

so i made stuffing last nite. not just your run-of-the-mill cornbread stuffing, but the hearty thanksgiving stuff i make - with sausage, apples, celery, parsley, onions, garlic, sour cream, and eggs. YUM. it's normal T-Day fare for me, but i'm going to my sister's for t-day this year, and she and her fam are vegetarians, so the sausage part wouldn't go over so well, and that's what ties it all together. and since it's a meal in itself, i'm excited for my own non-t-day leftovers for the next few days. :-)

a few things have been going on with people in my past (thanks facebook for all the gory details that i can't get enough of), and it's been a bit unsettling. it's shaken my ideas of things that i thought i had down pat, and it's stirred up some emotions i thought i had dealt with. and it's been heartbreaking to hear of failed marriages and bad choices people have made. part of me wants to be really judgemental (what were you thinking getting married that young), part of me wants to praise God from keeping me from the things i thought i wanted (getting married that young), and part of me stands in wonder at the process now. where do we go from here? where do i, personally, go from here? how can i learn from others' mistakes? how can i support my friends in the process? and i use this example, of the several i'm wrestling with, because it's the most open and forthright. the others are more about my responses to other things. in general, i'm a very melancholy, traditional, reminiscent person. i often think of "the good ole days" without remember the pain and frustration of those processes, too. and when i do think of it, i am able to praise God for the depth He's grown in me to be able to (i hope) respond better. to have a better perspective and idea of grace and love and truth that works itself as the foundation of all this stuff.

in the end, i know i'm on a journey. i'm still getting to the point where i can say i'm ok with that fact, that i'm starting to like that it's a process and give myself freedom to mess up sometimes. and i know that every event of my past has been a learning experience, it's made me who i am today. and even the crappy ones have served their purposes, the best ones, too. i still think that my 2nd semester, freshman year, was the best semester of my life. but it could have been a much richer experience, if i had the lessons that i have now. my point is that as awesome as that time was, it wasn't the epitome of life - there's SO much more.

in a way, i feel like i'm entering another season, similar to that one. socially and relationally, i think i am. and spiritually, too, i hope i am. but this time, i won't be as surprised when the bubble bursts. or maybe i'll learn to not make it a bubble to start with, so it won't have to burst, but accept that it won't last forever.

right. so, with that, i take my leave and head to class. pray for me!!
:-D

week 6

i'm frustrated at the moment at the time zone difference. i was SO excited to talk to shannon last nite, even tho we didn't end our conversation until 130am her time. that's a bit late! adn right now, i'd love to talk to someone out there, but it's already 1130pm, too late to call. (but if you live on the east coast, feel free to call me!)

hanne is coming home with me for Christmas!!!! i'm SO EXCITED!!! she is one of my norwegian friends and i'm so glad she is coming! well, it isn't definite yet, as she hasn't gotten her plane ticket, but it should work out. woohooooooo! i'll be home for about 2.5 weeks, and she'll be there for probably a week. so you all in VA will still see plenty of me!

my "intensive" is almost over. tomorrow is our last class. i still have to write my final paper, but i think it's gonna work out, as long as my topic gets approved. it's been good, but crazy. i won't ever take an intensive on top of 2 regular classes AND work. if i have to do another intensive, i definitely won't work at the same time. physically, i had enough time, but emotionally i was completely exhausted. i still need to figure that one out... i ended up going running, which was a good thing, but i just about had a panic attack before that.

so the class was full of really great material. but i still can't get over that it's not just head knowledge, it affects my heart, too. some of it breaks my heart, some of it challenges me, some of it i need to chew on for a while, and some of it is just overwhelming. there were points i literally could not take in any more information. i cried several times. and i cannot thank God enough for the graces and gifts He has given me.

this has to be one of the best environments for me. i am loving it. i get to recreate myself, in a way. all of the things that i've learned throughout my life, i get to be them now. i get to use everything up to this point as the foundation for what i'm learning now. the only analogies i can think of aren't so useful and break down pretty quickly, so i'll spare you, but it's good. some of the lessons that have been SO hard for me to learn, that i was finally starting to grasp before i left VA, i get to take them as basic truths now. i live out of that reality, i don't have to fight for it to be reality.

prayer this morning was awesome. i haven't been in a situation like that, the way it played out, for a long time. i really really enjoyed it. it was a great lesson for me. God is so good! He spoke to my heart in a few concrete ways, and that was really neat. there's a verse that He gave me while i was in college that i wanted to be true, but i couldn't believe it. it came up again while i was in boot camp, but i still didn't get it, even then. and today it came to mind, and it's true! i'm sure i don't get the fullness of it, but it's still pretty awesome.

there has been something i've been pondering and wrestling with for a few weeks now, and last nite, i decided to give a piece of it up. not the whole thing, mind you, but it just doesn't fit with the future i know God is calling me to. this morning in prayer, one of the guys said that he felt like God was saying that He's proud of us for living our lives in service to Him, and proud of us for making decisions based on that fact. so it was direct confirmation for my heart to give it up. i'm not entirely there, but i KNOW that God only has good for me, and if i give this up, i'm making room for more of His goodness in other ways.

on the flip side, i'm still wrestling with something else that i don't like and i haven't figured it out. and i don't know if i ever will figure it out, but i know i need to let God work things out in my heart. that's hard!

i love how things are coming together here. there's stuff in all 3 of my classes that's relevant in the other 2. there are people that i have multiple connections with (he's in my class, he's your roommate, and she works with him - wow! that's a lot of connections!) it's fun.

i've had 2 "small world" experiences with the same girl! she's from texas, her best friend from high school married the guy that lived across the street from me in high school. then she (my friend here) was in spain for a while, in the same city as my friend who studied there, the friend that i visited on my trip around europe. craziness, huh??? i LOVE it.

generosity of self. that's the name i'm giving something i've been thinking about. i kind of don't like that i'm overstimulated, multi-tasking, constantly busy. sometimes i like it (i don't get as bored), but it's not honest, in one way. when i'm with someone, i want to be ALL there. and when i'm studying, i need to be ALL there. but mostly it has to do with interacting with people. i'm not there, but i'm just starting to think about this. i want to be generous with my whole self. i'm kind of scared that i'm writing this here bc i don't know what i'm saying just yet. scary!

that's my ramblings for today. thanks for tuning in!

exhausted

so i had the first week of my intensive last week. the material is really good, but i just don't know how to get anything out of it. being in class that much is mentally draining. it's kind of hard, if you have nothing else going on. but 2 classes on top of that is just hard. not to mention throwing in a job, church, a social life.

i'm supposed to write a paper today. i just don't think i can do it.

the class, poverty and development, is emotionally exhausting, too. i want so much to do something more than write a paper about it. i see homeless people around pasadena every day. what do i do? how do i interact with them? how do i apply all this stuff from class into helping them? and how do i not make it sound like i'm some sort of savior who comes with all the answers?

then throw in some conflict at work. i don't know what to say about that one except that i'm constantly analyzing the situation, trying to figure out why i feel the way i do and how to fix the problem. how do i communicate clearly? what is it that i want to communicate? why does it all bug me so much? i'm disgusted at myself that i reacted the way i did, and now i'm over-analyzing and not coming up with clear answers.

then socially, i want to see my friends and hang out. but when i do, i am so tired i can't interact very well, or i leave early, because i'm so tired. which is an awful catch-22.

then there's another friend of mine that doesn't live here that i'm frustrated by. and i'm hurt, that's really it, but how do i tell them? is it worth it?

i did sleep for that extra hour of daylight savings last nite. that was nice. but i'm still internally just as exhausted.

church today was good, as was the "sermon". he touched on some things that i've been thinking about and want to do more thinking and research on, but he left me with more questions than answers. which is fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but i don't have the time or energy to do much study on it anytime soon. and he definitely touched a nerve in me that i want to work out, but i can't.

there's also another head-heart issue that God is working out in me that takes a lot of energy, and i wish it weren't there, but it is. and i would love to sit and think on it and process it and deal with it, but since it's a heart thing, too, it'll take more than just an afternoon of prayer. not that i have time for that now, anyway. and i'm angry with myself that this is such an issue with me right now.

and i really don't know how i'm going to write this paper. i want to do it, but i'm not sure i'm capable. and i want to do really well, for a number of reasons, but i'm so afraid i'll fail. it's SO much information to get in a week, and the paper is comprehensive, so it's good that i have to put it all together to even start to analyze the info for my paper, but man, it's tough! and then applying all this info to another situation - he told us he chose these things to analyze because they all have big holes. but i don't see the holes, so i'm clearly not getting it. but i'm so tired, i just don't care. only i do care, maybe for the wrong reasons. and i just want to throw a book at the wall. and i just want to take a nap. and i want to talk to someone in my class who's writing their paper on the same thing so i can see if i'm going in the right direction. and i just want monday to be over with already.

so the moral of the story is: don't take an intensive on top of 2 other classes, and certainly don't try to work 20 hours a week during it.
and who is God in the midst of this? how do i keep going? what is my source of energy? i've already cried 3 times today - i'm sick of it.

peace.

blogs

so i've spent a bit of time in the blog world recently, finding some good articles that keep me occupied/entertained in class. most of them have to do with social justice on some level, and since i proclaim that this is something i'm interested in, i figure i'd better learn more about it and *gasp* maybe actually do something.

one blog i've been following (of sorts) is by this guy who does homeless ministry in raleigh. he makes it seem so simple, yet so hard. and it makes me think that this is something i could possibly actually do, even tho it is SO far outside my comfort zone. and that's kind of a hard thing to admit. i actually worked at a homeless shelter for about a year, but i didn't really come into contact with many of the homeless staying there. and when i did, it didn't occur to me to ask them their story. i do remember 2 guys in particular that i became "friends" with, in the sense that i had real conversations with them, and discussed some real things that i know God was working out in them. i've also served dinner at the judeo-christian-outreach center numerous times, tho most of those times were in high school. by the time the groups i was involved in got around to realizing that they're people, and therefore worth engaging, i couldn't be bothered to go down to JCOC anymore. how pathetic of me!

anyway, i've been pretty challenged by love wins.

another place i found, Jesus manifesto, has challenged me tremendously, too. a friend of mine had a poem posted here, i think, and i think that's how i found it. some really creative, subversive stuff! i'm not all that artsy, but i do appreciate how the arts are engaged here. i also really like this list of really practical stuff to do - go figure, right? me liking practical stuff? one that really got me laughing is guerrilla gardening. maybe not so much for va beach, but in more urban areas. i dunno, it could work, tho!

so yeah, check it out!

who cares?!

i hate this class. i keep thinking "who cares!!!" and i can't seem to get over it. i have to read these 2 articles and make comparisons of the 2, but i don't have sufficient background on the topic to do a good job. and i don't care enough to do the extensive research required to do a good job.

sentences like "Even God's immanence and transcendence are discussed prior to Trinity!" just kill me. who CARES in what order topics are discussed? seriously? there aren't more serious things in the world to discuss and put exclamations on than the order of topics about God are discussed in?! ugh, who cares?! why is this important?!

it's stuff like that - i don't have the background to know what order these things are typically discussed in, or why, so i don't care about this stuff, even tho i'm supposed to. so if someone else does it the "wrong" way, i don't even notice. so much for comparing 2 articles. sometimes i like being an outsider, unconcerned with the (irrelevant) minute details, but sometimes it just gets me into trouble. like i should be reading and trying to understand the rest of that article so i can at least attempt to write this paper right now, instead of writing this post.

on a side note (why don't i continue, since i'm already here and i already hate that class and that paper, so why not put it off another 10 minutes), i had a great weekend. well, sunday, in particular. i found a church that i think i'm really going to enjoy. and even if i don't always enjoy it, i think i'll learn a lot from them and grow in new ways. the people i've met are pretty awesome, and i love that it's a fairly diverse group that i've put myself in. a bunch of us went to lunch after church, and as i was looking around at the end as we all just stood around, i was the only american! it was so great!!! there were 4 norweigians, a peruvian, a south korean, and 2 french(wo)men. so fun!

after returning home and checking email, i studied in the study lounge a bit until ruth convinced me to go to the apple store with her. yup, we walked to the apple store here in pasadena. jealous yet? so when we got back, i studied a bit more before she told me she and a few others were meeting to pray. how could i say no to that?! we talked and prayed for over 2 hours and it was so great. i really enjoyed it, even tho i was exhausted by the end and went home and went to bed. i have a lot to learn from them.

so when i said "studied", i meant tried to study. there was a group of kids outside the study lounge that were having fun killing a bug, so i watched them a while and laughed. so i read about 15 pages the first "study" time, and then another 12 pages before we prayed. whoops. so much for being productive! i really need to work on that, while i'm supposed to be doing work. i don't mind setting aside the studying to help out a friend or pray, but i need to be more productive in the times i do set aside for work. like right now. so i guess that's my que.

a tough week

man, this week has been rough. in so many ways, most of which i will only exacerbate if i expound on them. my work schedule created some less than ideal sleep hours, which of course only made my emotions even more unstable, and i wasn't able to concentrate as well as i would have liked.

at any rate, the worst is behind me and i'm learning to give up the past and press forward in my assignments and readings.

i'm still working on the balance of academia vs work vs my walk with Jesus. it's so weird to me that Jesus is meeting my studies. i'm learning to pray through my work, to pray for wisdom in classes, to allow the materials in my readings and lectures to affect my heart and beliefs. sometimes this has been a wonderful breath of fresh air, sometimes a gust of wind that knocks me off my feet. but in every situation, the Holy Spirit is transforming me, if i let Him. so it's all an interesting transition.

i bought a book this week, "from seed to fruit: global trends, fruitful practices, and emerging issues among muslims." oh man, i just read the introduction and i got the shivers. it's awesome stuff. some of the chapters are very pertinent to my studies this quarter.

my biggest frustration this week came from my global theology class. i did get a little clarity this week on our group project, and i think this book might help! so even tho i hate the class at times, i'm excited to research something i have an interest in.

i have a language partner, too! actually, two of them, paul and becky, from taiwan. we meet once a week for an hour or two and just talk. it's so fun to get to know them! i really enjoy answering their questions and helping them with their English. they are both so sweet and joyful, i usually laugh and grin the whole time i'm with them. they had me over for lunch today, and it was good times. i love them!

in the back of the bookstore is a bunch of stuff from all over the world. it's all free trade crafts that support grassroots organizations who work with the poor and marginalized people in underdeveloped areas. man, i buy something every time i go back there! it's all very reasonably priced, i'm supporting a great cause, i get to look at and buy really neat things from all over the world, and it's just so fun! i usually start looking for something that's a gift for someone, then find a lot more for me, and something for someone else, but not the original person. but it's fun like that. my favorite thing so far has been these glass balls. they are clear glass, the size of an orange, maybe, and have a top like a Christmas ornament. but they're a little heavy to try to hang on a Christmas tree. the glass has color rings that look like they're sliding down the sides, in different sizes and colors, usually like a bullseye of 2 colors. the background is clear, but the whole thing has cracks in it that make it look almost frosted. it looks like it could be murano glass in some ways, but they're made in india. the first time i saw them, i bought all 3 that were on the shelf. when i went back yesterday, there were 2 more, so i bought one of them. i'm SO tempted to go back and get the other, and maybe even more if they put them out. they're so reasonably priced and just so beautiful. amazing. now if only i can figure out a cool way to display them!

dianne rebels.

today has been good, but exceedingly frustrating. when i actually disciplined myself to sit down and work, it didn't go as planned and i got hardly anything done today. i did have some great conversations (thanks aaron, tiffany, and shannon!), but man, school work just didn't happen.

as i sit here now, trying to swallow so much jargon and theological terminology, i am forced to look up a word in my handy-dandy "pocket dictionary of theological terms." yes, this is one of the 2 books that i spent my tip money on. with each entry, there's another term i don't understand, so then i look that word up. and guess what? then there's another word i don't quite get. so eight words later, i finally give up because i don't even remember the word i started with.

so i sigh and try to go back to reading. and realize that i won't really understand much of what i'm reading, anyway, because i don't have a framework for it, or the background knowledge that's really needed to be able to analyze the texts very well. so i just resign myself to the fact that there will always be more reading that i need to do to fully grasp these concepts.

and i rebel. i don't want to become a theologian. i don't want to be an academic, i don't want to get a phd or even mdiv. really, i just want the practical stuff. what does it mean for us today? what does it mean for the unreached world? how can i apply this concept to a ministry situation? what is a holistic view of this concept? and really, what does the Bible say? i don't want your opinions. i want to know what Scripture says in this area, then i'll take your interpretation of it. but i'm so frustrated with all the philosophical, heady, intellectual conversations. let's bring it down to reality: how do these things really play out? how have you seen this in action in malaysia? papua new guinea? el salvador? iran?

that's why i'm here.

a day in the life, in facebook profile updates.

Dianne has a love/hate relationship with facebook.
dianne is technically in a state of emergency. but don't worry, she's fine. :-P.
dianne is going to be late for class.
dianne just spent all of this week's and last week's tips on books.
dianne is REALLY hoping to find a flight home for Christmas for less than $500!!
dianne's coffee is still ridiculously hot, an hour after she poured it in her tumbler.
dianne is VERY thankful her professor has a sense of humor.
dianne is just beginning to comprehend the huge amounts of work and reading that have to go into her assignments.
dianne thinks that avocado looks awfully tempting.
dianne thinks it's funny that a fire truck parked in front of a fire hydrant while the firemen taught first aid.
dianne might be a little obsessed since she thinks about her whole day in terms of how to write it in a facebook update.
dianne is enjoying watching the firemen start fires so people can practice putting them out, on this, a red flag warning day, with a wildfire less than 20 miles away.
dianne had a really good time at Bible study. we talked about the WHOLE Bible!
dianne FINALLY bought a plane ticket!
dianne is having the hardest time making herself do school work.

quite content and malcontent at the same time

i just had an awesome evening. all in all, i had a pretty excellent day! i went to church at oasis with ruth, and they had a picnic afterwards. it was perfect weather for it! i think i just might like this church. i'm going camping in joshua tree with them in a few weeks!

this afternoon, i actually made myself sit down and study a while, which was pretty productive (tho frustrating at points, which is where the malcontent comes in).

then tonite, we (a group of 8 of us from oasis church) tried to go moonlight hiking. it didn't work so well. we ruled out eaton canyon before we left, since it's closed after dark. we then went up to the end of lake ave, where i went hiking before, but as we got out of the car and walked toward the gate, a cop car came by and yelled at several others that were already in the gate that the park was closed. apparently some kids had been up there recently, throwing rocks at houses below, and one rock hit a kid and busted his head open. so yeah, no going up echo mountain after dark.

we asked the cop if he knew of anyplace we could hike at 930pm, and he didn't. shelly knew of a place called chaney trail to go up where there's a waterfall, but when we got there, the gate was down and we couldn't get up there. so matt called a buddy who suggested we drive up the 210 and exit at the road that goes up to mt wilson, which we did. there's a few turnouts to park at, but the first couple (with the best views of the city) were taken by a lot of parked, ahem, couples. so we continued up to another lookout that had awesome views of the valley and nearby mountains, but only a sliver of the city was visible. because of the immense light from the city, we were all silhouettes on the ridge, so david got a couple pictures of us backlit. then we decided to spell things (LOVE and HOME, HOME is easier) and i got to be the E. it's a little tricky.

well, then we decided to go up further to see if we could go up to the observatory at mt wilson with really great views of the city. on the way up we passed a few other turn outs with great views and no one else, so we just parked at another one and got out and stood on the edge of the mountain, enjoying the view. the city was beautiful, but i couldn't make out any landmarks or anything. the stars were out, but because of all the light pollution, i couldn't see that many. but it was a very clear night and we could see a long way! it was also fairly chilly, about 51 degrees (according to matt's car), and windy! we stood there for probably 30 min just watching, chatting, and laughing. i had a really really good time!

dianne had a great day!

that's what i would put on facebook, but i have to keep my OU status up until we beat texas in 7 hours.

i just got home from an evening out. i closed at work, and the 4 of us (yes, there were four closers) went out with a 5th guy to the yardhouse to have a drink. i had a pear cider which was really good! apparently every friday nite, these guys go out and chill after work. anyway, it was fun, i had a good time, and it was so nice to be included! it was such a good dose of reality - none of these guys go to fuller and have such diverse backgrounds. it was SO good to see them as people, not just co-workers (in terms of how good they are at their job). it was a healthy does of reality.

this morning, i met with my English conversation partner and her husband! they are so neat! they are newlyweds from taiwan, and it was so fun to meet them and help them with their English. i really look forward to getting to know them as the quarter (and year?) goes on. SO fun.

courtney and i went to burbank today. first we hit up ikea again, then in-n-out burger, i finally got some new jeans at old navy, then i bought out costco. so nice to be away from school and our apt. so great to get some good deals on stuff i'll actually use!

i got to relax a bit before going to work, and work itself wasn't so bad. i have a totally different attitude about work out here. for one, it isn't my only source of entertainment. i do have a whole life that is complete outside of starbucks here. i don't think i could say that in va beach. two, the store is waaay to big for me to have nearly as much to say about anything. that is, here, there are a million and a half things going on at once, there is no way i can be in control of them all. so i don't even try. that's not to say i slack off or don't do my job, but i have a much more relaxed attitude about it, and i don't stress about it all.

so yeah, it was a good day. and did you notice what was missing? any mention of school work at all! ha! (or i'll pay for that later!)

lots to consider and ponder

so i've been blogging a lot recently. i've come up with 3 reasons why:
1) i'm lonely! i haven't met a lot of people here yet that i'm willing to sit and have a conversation like this with. or at least they're not ready for it. ;-)
2) the time zone difference sucks! i got out of a meeting at 1030pm here tonite and wanted to call someone and verbally decompress the events of the evening, but no one i know is still up! stupid time zones!
3) i want to keep my friends and family back east in the loop of my life, and instead of repeating myself over and over, i can do it once here and refer them all back to it. so it's a time saving measure. that way, when i do speak with them, we can talk about things the whole world doesn't need to know.
4) ok, i lied, here's a 4th. i like the opportunity to verbally process things in a way that allows me to organize my thoughts and process them without interruption, and it allows me the time to stop and find the right word.

so here's the processings from the day:
i went to a lunch discussion with a guy who does microfinance stuff in africa. he's ugandan, and has an awesome personal story of how he came to do what he does. it makes a lot of sense, but i don't know how to respond.

in class today, we talked about how we in the west like to make 2 very different definitions, sometimes opposites, and define everything in terms of those 2 things, saying everything is either one or the other. we give one power over the other and marginalize anything and anyone who doesn't exactly fit in between. it's an interesting thought, and i'm glad we talked about it. in most cases, the best thing to do is to find exceptions to the rule and celebrate them, not diminish them.

it's true, i like to think of things in terms of black and white. it has only been in the past few years that i've learned the value of relating to things on a spectrum, from one side to the other. i've learned how most things are in process, and it's impossible to strictly define them as one or the other without losing some aspects or characteristics, thereby limiting them. like if something is 90% one way, i'd rather cut off that last 10%, but now i'm learning to get used to that 10% and even like it.

i got an email today from a friend who responded to something on my blog, and she sent along part of a book as something else to consider. i spent a while reading the first bits of the book, about the way church should really be, and making comments. some parts i wholeheartedly agreed with, other parts i could see his point but didn't agree with the reasoning or the example he gave. other parts i disagreed with entirely. i realized that i really enjoyed engaging myself with the book, not just accepting it blindly, but analyzing the points made and comparing them to my own context. which is, i realize, what i've been doing in class thus far, which is kind of exciting to realize. it means that i actually like the readings for school! at least i do when i understand what is being said (not always the case) and it's balanced enough that there's something i can agree and disagree with.

then tonite, i went to a missions testimony night. about 10 fuller students who went on missions trips this summer reported briefly on their trips. 2 of them actually did their practicum (which is required for the program i'm in), so i especially enjoyed their stories and experiences. they both gave me plenty to think about! each experience was unique in just about every way, but both were awesome. it will be so exciting to see where i end up on my practicum, and what results because of it. i want to talk to more students about their experiences, whether they're still planning their practicum and figuring things out or have already gone and done it. and for the record, i want to hear about them for the sake of the whole story, not just for the practical tidbits i can glean.

so yeah, today was a good day in terms of learning and thinking about things that stretch me in a good way. i enjoyed it. there were a lot of good stories that remind me of the greatness and awesomeness of God. as scott would say, good stuff.

musings

i'm probably better off just taking things one step at a time than trying to analyze the whole semester. i came across a blog entitled something like "things you need to know about starting a new quarter at seminary," so i went to check it out. but after just glancing at the title again, it kinda freaked me out.

it's kinda the thought tom manners gave me when i first started out in boot camp: you have grace for today. you don't have tomorrow's grace today, so don't worry about tomorrow.

i have grace for today. yes, i have a lot to do in the coming days and weeks, but today i can accomplish what i can today. i do need to use my time wisely, but i don't have to freak out.


i heard the parrots again today. they squawk much more loudly than their small size would suggest.

i opened at work today. opening was fine, but it's just hard to learn and get into the rhythm of the store. they all have their groove, but i'm not in it yet, so i don't know what they expect of me in a lot of ways. and it'll come, i'm not worried, but it's annoying and frustrating for the time being. i want to prove myself and be helpful, but i don't know how yet.

it was nice to be up for sunrise. it kind of stretches my brain to realize the sun rises in the opposite direction of the ocean. but it was nice to see the mountains slowly being illuminated - first just a shadow in the barely blue sky, then ridges and browns contrasting the blue.

i'm starting to adjust to some things. i know the quickest route to target. having a 2-story target doesn't seem weird anymore, it just is. i forget i'm sleeping on an air mattress. but it is still strange that it's a 3 hour time difference to home. and it's still odd to have professors pray and read Scripture at the start of class.

a personal God

Shelly Moore Band, Verbalize:
i lie awake at night
and i dream of what i hope one day to be
don't want to leave Your will to follow
my own fantasies

i know i've given You my life
and, Lord, i know that You are wise
and so i trust beyond this trial
i will be alright

i can't describe Your love
i can't verbalize your grace
so all that i can say
is that i love you, Jesus

i can't describe Your love
i can't verbalize Your grace
so all that i can say
is that i love You, You...

You lift the sun up high and set
the dew upon the ground
what more could i ask of You
i know You're all around
for one, You parted a sea
and even now, oh Lord, i know
You'd do the same for me

...

why do You do
the things You do?
i could never suffer thru
without You
there's no more doubt
that You are near
i'm so glad You would not
leave me here

i can't describe Your love
i can't verbalize your grace
so all that i can say
is that i love you, Jesus

i can't describe Your love
i can't verbalize Your grace
so all that i can say
is, God, i love You



so this has been one of my favorite songs for a while now. i love the lyrics as well as the music. it's catchy, bold, and beautiful. and quite fitting to end today with this song. today has been a bizarre mix of weird, new, awful, okay, and sweet.

and in the middle of it, it's clear that we serve a personal God. it's a thought that has struck me a few times this week. from the idea that we don't bring a general gospel, we bring a specific gospel, able to save You from Your sins, able to redeem Your life, able to bring purpose to Your life... it's struck me deeply this week, this known fact.

also, my dad got a new cell phone plan, and overnighted my phone to me. he got it early (which means i have more minutes now, and a texting package), and he went straight to the post office to send it to me. (in an act of redemption, the US postal service actually delivered it to my door by 11am the next day, after my dad mailed it just before 5pm the evening before. because of other issues, the USPS has NOT been my favorite of late.) anyway, it was something he didn't have to do. he called me right away to let me know, then called before i even received it to ask me to call him as soon as i got it. at the end of it, the clear thing was: my daddy loves me!

and it got me to thinking that man, if my dad loves me this much to do all this for me, not to mention letting me stay on the family plan so i have a much better, cheaper plan, how much more does God love me? and how much more personal are His overnighted packages? all the little things i'm quick to gloss over... the things i take for granted or assume are my rights.


anyway, i like this song, and it's a great celebration of the grace of God in my heart today, and this week.
Lord help me!

church and work

i hate church. there, i said it. if you've talked to me much in the last year, you've probably heard me say it a lot. well, it's true here, too.

i don't want to go just because it's good for me. like eating your lima beans. and i know that i'll like it more once i get used to it, once i make friends and get involved. but man, that initial part sucks.

looking back: when i went away to college, i started going to a small presbyterian church. i got a ride there every week by convincing my friend jason to take me, which worked fairly well the first semester. at the same time, i started going to a prayer meeting with some people who became really good friends. after coming back from Christmas break, i started going to their church, which is the one i went to for the next 4 years, and i LOVED it. it was exactly what i needed for that season of my life. unfortunately, after i went back to VA (against my will), that church fell apart.

now if i add just a few flavors of what i've learned in my classes and readings this week, one of the reasons it didn't work so well is that it wasn't missional. there were a LOT of missional people in the church, but the church itself wasn't really going anywhere or doing anything. there were certainly special events (i remember one saturday workshop on "prayer knocking", then we went out into the neighborhood across the street from the church and started knocking on doors and praying for people.)

but yeah, i want to be a part of a missional church (a church on a mission, going somewhere, with some purpose, that's outside themselves). as much as i loved the community and friends i had there, and the teaching was awesome, and the worship was good, and i loved my "house church"/small group, that's not enough for me anymore. i want to be a part of something specific, something outside myself and my comfort zone, something that is purposeful and attempts to change things, to bring Christ into new places. a better way of describing it can be found here.

just to clarify, 2 things:
1. that's scary. that's waay out of my comfort zone. i have no idea, really, what it means and looks like, especially for me on a personal level. i'm SURE it will mean doing things i don't like, and i'm SURE it won't be easy in many ways.
2. i have NOT said that all churches here suck, or none of them are missional, or none of the churches i've been to in my life have been missional. this IS saying that i'm thinking about it in new ways, and starting to evaluate my decision to be a part of a church in a different way. a way that really isn't clear. i can't just look at building, or a bulletin, or often even really know after attending a church service. (darn it! that would be so much easier!)

so here i am, at home, on sunday morning. i do think i'll go to a church tonite that i've heard about.

this is hard. meeting people is hard. trying to evaluate whether a church is missional after a few hours with them is hard!

at the same time, there are plenty of other issues i've had with "the church" in recent months. i hate communion as a pellet or a crumb, passed off as the generosity of God. i hate sermons, being preached to/at, with little to no accountability for the teaching being shared, or the opportunity/reason to work these things out in community, working out our salvation with fear and trembling. i hate that the body of believers represented in the new testament has been simplified to a 2 hour event on a sunday morning.

i've been reading a few accounts lately on how people found the church they're in, and i've been hearing stories of a few new friends here, how they found their churches. i'm jealous, really. it seems so easy for them. as i wrote in a personal reflection for a class' readings, i wonder if my heart is too hard and cynical to "fall in love with the people and the vision" of the church. it's a scary and real thought.

UGH.


ok, onto work...
so yesterday was my first day at my new starbucks. i'm pretty sure i worked with more people yesterday on my 8 hr shift than work at my home store, at all. the store does more than twice the business of my old store. it has twice the labor (my old store had, on average, 250 hours of labor a week, this one about 500). they have the warming ovens (that most stores in VB had, but not mine). they do NOT have the berry slushy drinks that most southern california stores have (so cal is a test market of sorts). they do not have most of the retail la promenade has. the cafe area is a little bit bigger (not too much more to mop), but a LOT more seating and tables. this store is about 7 years old, so most of the appliances are the same model la prom has (as opposed to newer stores having newer models of equipment).

unfortunately, they do NOT have a microwave in the back room. a big reason, i'm sure, is they don't have the room for it. so i brought in my frozen dinner to eat on my meal break, and didn't see a "partner food box" in the fridge to stick it in. i thought it was a little odd, but unless you're eating yogurt, cold food is gross, so why would you want to store any food in the fridge? so yeah, once i started my break, i figured it out. whoops. thankfully, they had a TON of breakfast sandwiches left over, so i ate one of those. i wanted to try one, anyway.

i was kind of stressed out, but also felt out of my league. i wasn't originally on the schedule to work at all last nite, but the shift who was scheduled couldn't work, so she asked me to work for her, so it was kind of an intro by fire. thankfully the manager, diana, was working, so she was able to set me up with keys and codes. one of the baristas working was also quick to show me around and answer my questions. but i definitely mastered the deer-in-the-headlights look, and i was also quick to laugh at myself.

example: i worked a couple shifts at a store that had a swinging door like this store has. the kind you can push open from both ways. but the hinge is on the other side. so i kept pushing on the door where the hinge is, rather than pushing on the side that actually swings around and opens. whoops.

so things are going fairly well, except that i don't really know what their order or timing is for cleaning up for the evening. so we were a little late getting out. except the safe. it's on a timer, and i wasn't quick enough for it, so i set off the alarm. i didn't realize i had set off the alarm, i thought it was just saying i would set off the alarm in X minutes, but i fixed the problem and the beeping stopped. so after we close and a cop comes up to the door, we wave her away, thinking she wants coffee. nope, she came to check out our alarm going off. so i explain its my first time working and i'm still getting used to it, and i explain what happened. so she was pretty nice about it, asked us some questions, and went on her way. whoops.

so right as i am letting the cop in, my phone rings, and it's courtney. i can't exactly talk to my roommate at the same time as this cop, so i shut it off. when we finally clock out for the evening and i'm walking home, i try to call her, but her phone is off. so i assume she was calling to say she's going to bed. when i get off the elevator on my floor in my building, i'm a little surprised to see a half awake courtney leaning against the wall. "i was hoping that was you," she said.

as it turns out, she was a little worried since i was late getting off, and she was calling to ask if i wanted a ride. the we both tried to call each other at the same time, and she thought my phone was off, too, so she decided to come drive around and look for me. but she forgot her key card, which gets her back into the parking garage, into the elevator from the parking garage, (in the front door of the building as well as the gate, should she had chosen to park on the street), and into our apt. so thinking my phone was off, she didn't want to leave and miss me and not be able to get in, or find me, or be able to call me. so yeah, it all worked out, i got home safely, courtney got in without her key, and all was good. hehe!

hiking in the san gabriels

i went hiking yesterday morning with 2 friends, courtney (also my roommate), and joy. joy posted on her blog about it, and she has a fun way of describing it, so i'll just copy what she said. the original post can be found here.

"The hike. Three of us, the RN, the meteorologist and I, headed up to the foothills for a bit of exploring around and the chance to catch some views. We just drove north a couple miles until we hit the foot of the hills and started walking. It was not as majestic as the drive into the midst of the San Gabriels, but it was fun in a nostalgic sort of way. And the smell of oak brush! The scenery was dry and and russet-y and the trail was thin as a sliver. We got to jump across an intermittent creek here and there, but the best part was scrambling.

After following a trail that thinned down to about the size of my ankle and grew more questionable as we went along, we turned around to head back. Now for the record, I think that that questionable trails are some of the best kind. I don’t mean that I’m looking to add to erosion by tromping along through all of God’s green earth like a mule in a garden, but I just really enjoy my trails not too certain or pretty or sure. So I was mildly disappointed when our weather woman decided our path was looking more like a precarious wash out than a trail. But on the way back said hiker suggested we scale this crazy incline of dust and roots to try to check the view from overhead. Delightful. Please ask me to scramble up the least accommodating terrains or send me bouldering along a rock face over the incoming tide or send me on any errand that requires any sort of crawling, contortion and grappling about like a raggedy nine year old. I’d be so pleased to oblige. So with a combination of dousing ourselves in our kicked up dust, clutching breaking sandstone, and grasping the gnarly oak roots that held what they could of the hillside in place, we made our way up and down the hill. Did I say delightful already?

Why go for a run when you can scramble? Do you think that scrambling could make it into the olympics? I bet it would be kids favorite sport to watch. Mine too. And then when kids came home covered in dirt with rips in their new pants and their hair full of twigs, the could just say “I was training.” And their parents would be so proud. "

she's pretty fun, that joy!
also, pics are on facebook, or they can be found here.

reflection on the first week of class.

a friend of a friend of a friend or someone said something like "i never went to happy hour until i went to seminary". seriously. i walked out of class today thinking, "how in the world do i decompress from that?!" really, the class seems simple enough, but is totally overwhelming for me.

the class is global theology. basically, the premise is to compare western theology with non-western theology on different theological topics. the problem? i don't know what topics there are, much less what different perspectives have to say of them. it's a new class and my advisor (who's actually in the class himself) told me it would be a good introductory class for someone who has never had any theology before. it seems like really, it's an intermediate class for someone who has a basic grasp of both European (western) and non-western theology.

i like the idea of our own history and background shapes our theology, and i understand that our own perspective isn't always the "right" one, and that we really do have to look at all that we understand as Christians thru the history of the european church, to some extent. no one can separate the european influences of the canon or the reformation from their own experience of the Gospel. and a good question is what was cultural and what is essential? but that's as far as my understanding of the class so far has gone.

our discussion today was painful. the professor introduced a few ideas, then we broke up to discuss them. i didn't really understand what his question was that we were to discuss, nor did our group (it seems) talk about anything that any of the other groups discussed. we had a class discussion, and i couldn't follow at all. people had different contributions or comments to make, but none of it seemed to follow the other. all of it seemed foreign or at best, not related. i didn't understand the vocabulary, at least in the way they were using it. the professor would throw out something like "so-and-so's idea of blank" as a reference for a point he's making, but i have no idea who that is, or maybe i've heard the name and know he's a historical Christian figure who has made contributions to the way we understand Christianity today, but i really don't know who they are or what they said. i mentioned this to a guy at the bookstore, and he suggested getting a theology pocket dictionary. maybe i need to just keep wikipedia up in class at all times!

on tuesday, i felt like i had a decent grasp. the workload doesn't seem intense, and i was able to mesh the notes i took in class with the notes he posted online. today, he continued lecturing from the same set of notes, so i followed along with his notes and took my own notes, too. i eventually gave up. i have no reference point for anything he said, and it mostly went in one ear and out the other. i mean, a lot of it seemed like "duh" stuff, but i just didn't grasp why any of it was important, or how it was connected at all to the topic. i can't even put a title on the topic we discussed today! argh!

i'm really hoping that as i just throw myself into it, a framework for understanding this class will start to appear. thankfully there isn't a final exam, just a few papers, a group presentation, and a group paper. all of the students in my group are new this quarter, and in fact, i'm the only american. that makes it more interesting to me, tho. at any rate, some of them have some theological background, but not me! so they should be helpful. i can teach them american culture, they can teach me theology! (i wore my "i heart moose" shirt today, and one girl asked if we eat moose here. she said they eat anything with 4 legs, and even some without legs, like snake!)

ok, so my other class doesn't seem to fit, either, but in a different way. in church in mission, he lectured on colonialism, neo-colonialism, and post-colonialism. the reading i'm doing right now is on multicultural congregations in the US. and our group project that we're working on is about the white presbyterian church, so all we learn should be filtered thru what would help us with our group project. so yeah, i don't get how it's all linked.

so yeah, that's my first week. pretty crazy.

first day of class and other ramblings

it rained today!!! it even thundered at least 4 times that i heard. woohoo! it apparently won't rain again until dec or jan... boo! it's so weird that the seasons are so much less apparent here, if they exist at all. my street has some trees on it that i wonder about if they'll change colors.

so my first class (ryan bolger's church in mission) was very interesting! i've certainly never had a class like this before, whether in content or structure. he's never taught it this way, either, so we're all playing the guinea pig. the basis of the assignments is that we're working in groups to examine different ethnic and denominational backgrounds. (i'm in the group for white presbyterians.) so we all read the books and listen in class discussions about info that will help us analyze our group, then we all write a wiki webpage for it. so we put all our class notes online, we all write on the same pages about our group and can edit each other's info and refine it (just like on wikipedia), then at the end, there's another resource for the church to use. i'm still a little vague about what exactly we're looking for and learning about, but it'll all be good. (if you're really interested in following along, check out ftsmc500.wetpaint.com every so often, but please don't "join" and start editing stuff. but you can see what we're working on and how it evolves.) then, also at the end, we'll put all this info in a youtube video of some sort. so i'll put up the link for that when it's done, too. pretty cool, huh? it's amazing how technology has become so commonplace like this now...

in other news, i went to venice beach last week! i went with ruth and her friend hana who are both norwegian, 2 other friends of theirs (jonathan and rebecca), courtney (my roommate), and 3 other new students met us there (maura, nicole and tiffany). we had a pretty good time! i'd seen on the movies that there is a gym on the beach at venice beach, but it didn't really occur to me that it's real! it is! so fun! the beach itself was wide, clean, and recently raked/plowed. it was really shallow for a long way out, and the water and waves were like at va beach. there were surfers near the jetty and fog came and went. it was perfect weather - not too hot, but sunny. the water was cool, about what it's like in early june in va beach. i saw a funny sign on a lightpole near where we parked - "no dog pee no this pole thnk you". yup, just like that. i took a picture. :-P i'll put pics on facebook.

i also took my camera when i went jogging last week, so i'll put up some pics of what it's like around town.

i went with some SIS (school of intercultural studies) people on a field trip to chinatown and olvera street (old town/little mexico). it was pretty fun! a lot of stuff was just ridiculously touristy, but we had some good chinese food for lunch and had a good time wandering around. we took the metro rail (gold line) from memorial park here in pasadena to chinatown, one stop short of union station, where the line terminates. as we walked and explored, we ended up next to union station, so the group went home from there. i walked back to chinatown, hoping to find an asian supermarket to get some groceries, but didn't find one before i ran out of energy. i did wander thru a few other markets, bought some coffee candies (not as good as they looked) and bought a finer-mesh strainer for courtney's tea. then i took the metro home myself, going one stop further, to lake ave, which is a hair closer to my apt.

on sunday, i went to lake ave church, which is right on the corner of lake ave and the 210. i can see it from the end of the block where my apt is, so i decided to walk there for service on sunday. i got online the night before to learn about their small groups and saw a sunday school class i might be interested in, so i went to that at 9:15 and then the 11am service. i enjoyed getting to know the people in that class. i have wanted to find a church that isn't all fuller students, and there was only 1 or 2 others in this class. they were very nice to me and invited me to a potluck/cookout they had planned for the afternoon. at least 3 people asked if i needed a ride, which was very helpful! it was neat to meet people who aren't all students! i enjoyed myself as much as i can in a new situation like that, but i didn't really connect very well with them. i may go back to that church and find another group, or i may tough it out, or i may try something else entirely. i dunno.

i bought my plane ticket to go see my sister and her family for thanksgiving! i fly to san fran on thanksgiving morning, then fly back on monday morning. it will be interesting! i haven't met her stepkids yet, ysa and jasper, and they're all vegetarians. but i'm sure dinner will still be yummy! i'm really looking forward to it! actually, elisa flies down here the same day i return - she's going to a work conference. so i'll get to share a little of my life here with her, too!

i looked into plane tickets to come home for christmas. it sure doesn't look pretty! it looks like about $500 or so, maybe more. i don't know what my work situation will be like, so i don't know when i can/should leave here.

speaking of working, i stopped by the starbucks today to talk to the manager. she called me last week but i didn't call her back because i didn't know what to say. i talked to someone over the weekend who works at a different starbucks, and i found out that what i made in VA (after a raise and a promotion) is what starting baristas make here. so it's worth trying to work a few shifts here for income in the meantime, and if i officially get transferred, and then quit later, my vacation pay will come in at the higher rate. which is pretty sweet. i'm not too keen to keep working there, but i need to do something to generate income. (i did apply for 2 on-campus jobs, but i'm not expecting anything to come of either one.)

so that's the update for now! stay tuned!

aaack! i'm registered!!!

oh. my. goodness. i'm really a student again.

i just registered for classes. my enrollment window opened at 10am today, and classes start next monday. i'm the only one i've met who can enroll today, everyone else can enroll tomorrow or wed, which is a little scary, for them. there isn't a chance to see that a class is full and choose another one until you actually try to add it and there is an error. thankfully, all of mine went thru.

but i do think they are trying to kill me. :-P in my program, only a few of the required classes are offered each quarter, and when they come up, i pretty much have to take them. the theology classes are heavy reading classes, and i don't really want to take more than one at a time, but i didn't want to over-do it my first semester and take a hard one. there was one class recommended for students with a background other than Bible (like meteorology) to take before taking theology classes, so i did sign up for that one. but it's also billed as an easier, overview kind of class, which might have been nice to save for a semester with 2 other hard classes.

so here's what i'm taking:
Church in Mission, taught by Ryan Bolger. It's mon/wed, 1-3pm. this is the course description: "In this course, we connect the disciplines of ecclesiology, missiology, postcolonial studies, and race/ethnic studies. For at least four ethnic groups (e.g. African-American, Asian-American, Latinos/as, and Native peoples), we will explore how the following postcolonial themes manifest: diaspora, identity, race, cultural difference, hybridity, gender, sexuality, feminism, postmodernism, nationalism, globalization, and empire. We will explore how to be the people of God in the midst of these powers."

Poverty and Development, taught by Bryant Myers. i've heard nothing but good things about him, and i'm thinking i've read a book or two that he authored or co-authored. i'd definitely heard his name before coming here. that class is offered as an "intensive", which means it meets everyday for 2 weeks. so oct 27-nov 7, don't expect me to come out to play. ;-) apparently there's reading and stuff to do before the class, then class from 3-6pm daily those 2 weeks with tons of lectures, then all the papers and stuff are due by the end of the quarter. so that will definitely take more self-discipline and time management than i've pretty much ever had to use. ouch. but one bonus is this class is only offered for students in my program this quarter. it's a popular class, offered just about every quarter, so i'm excited that it's pretty much kick-starting my seminary education (btw, i've been saying grad school that "seminary" still hasn't sunk in... it's weird, never mind.). my emphasis here is "international development" and this is one class that's kind of the foundation for the others, so i'm excited about that, too.

ok, so here's the class description:
"This course explores the challenges of empowering the poor in a world marked by marginalization, disempowerment, abuse and injustice. Poverty is explored from a number of perspectives, concluding with a biblical framework. Responses to poverty are then explored, including the goals of transformational development and the process and principles by which it is pursued. "

sounds cool, huh? especially if you go back and read about nicaragua stuff....

ok, so the last class i'm taking (12 credits is a full load, each class is 4 credits, so only 3 classes a quarter) is Theology in Global Perspective, taught by William Dyrness. this is the one suggested before taking any theology classes, and it makes sense. it's offered t/r, 1-3. here's the class description: "This course surveys historically significant theological traditions, through the lens provided by the contemporary issues and questions of the global Church. The goal is to explore, describe and encourage the development of theology as an expanding conversation about the meaning of Scripture and the Christian life, that extends itself through history and around the world."

so if you've been paying attention to my schedule, you'll see that i have class mon-thurs, 1-3. and for 2 weeks, Lord help me, from 1-6, and 3-6 fridays. my brain is just going to hurt by 6pm. i guess i'll have to work ahead in my other 2 classes so that i won't have to do very much for them during that 2 week period and i can just focus on poverty and development. but it's good, in general, that i have fridays off, tho i wish i had a morning class that would make me get up.

so today, the goal is to apply for jobs. wish me luck!

um, yeah. so i'm in california.

so apparently i live in california now. it's a bit of a shock, really.
i just had my first sighting of the parrots.
it smells like australia (there are stringy barks here!)
i live on a beautiful street, lined with trees like a canopy, with one palm stuck in the middle.
a few blocks away is colorado blvd, home of the rose parade, and lots of fun stores and restaurants. apparently, per capita, pasadena is 2nd only to nyc in restaurants.
i'm a bit lonely, and i wonder why i wanted to come out a whole week before orientation begins (and the chance to meet a lot of other new people).
when i need to laugh out loud, i just go to lolcats. love it. ha!
i spotted a del taco. i'll have to see what all the fuss from bryan and jim is about soon.
there's a target within walking distance. i've been here 24 hrs and been there twice.
the weather here just be just fantabulous. the baggage claim at the airport (BUR) was outside. the stairwell to my building is open at the bottom.
it's odd to not have furniture. i got an air mattress, and i think i'll go buy a camping chair in just a few minutes. my 3rd trip to target! yes!
there are huge planters of rosemary that are at the entrance to my building. yum.
man, those parrots are noisy!
i can see the mountains, too, which looks awfully dry. no wonder there are so many wildfires!
i apparently live in the "playhouse district". at least that's what all the signs on lightpoles say.
i can use the oven anytime! yes!!!!
i'm excited to see joel and ann marie tomorrow.
courtney should arrive tues, from what i last heard.
i can't believe the generosity of my friends and family. between my birthday and going away gifts, i received over $600 worth of cash and gift cards. THANK YOU!!!

i think i'm gonna like this place.

the ultrapoor...

Voices from Ethiopia--
What it Feels Like to Be among the Ultrapoor
we are left tied like straw
living by scratching like a chicken
what is life when there is no friend or food
life has made us ill
we are deprived and pale
we are above the dead and below the living
hunger is a hyena
a life that cannot go beyond food
we simply watch those who eat
difficulties have made us crazy
we sold everything we have and have become shelter-seekers
it is [like] sitting and dying alive
a life that is like being flogged
a life that makes you look older than your age
just a sip and no more drop is left
if one is full, the other will not be full
we have become empty like a hive



"Lack of food worries me. My children were hungry and I told them rice is cooking, until they fell asleep from hunger." -An older man from Besda, Egypt

"Water is life, and because we have no water, life is miserable." -Kenya

"Poverty is like living in jail, living under bondage, waiting to be free." -Jamaica

"I want to commit suicide, I want to run out... because to see the kids crying, and I do not have one sucre [a few cents] to given them some bread.... Life is so sad." -A woman in Ecuador

"Poverty is lack of freedom, enslaved by crushing daily burden, by depression and fear of what the future will bring." -Georgia

"We poor men have no friends. Our only friend is the ground." -A man in Nigeria

"A poor person has to exist so he can serve the great one, the rich. God made things like that." -Man in Brazil



--all from Ending Global Poverty: A Guide to What Works by Stephen C. Smith

outsmarted

i outsmarted myself. and then the world was out to get me. seriously. ;-)

so at work yesterday, i had 45 min to run an errand and take my mandatory 30 min lunch, as well as wrap things up before one of my baristas left. which was a tight schedule. so on my way back from my errand, i thought, "i'd like some qdoba for lunch, and it's on my way back! i'll just stop in there to get some lunch!" so i called my store, had them punch out for me to start my lunch, and pulled into the qdoba parking lot. when i reached the door, i realized that it doesn't open until 11am, and it was 10:40. foiled!

so i went back to the store and had my lean cuisine frozen lunch that i had in the fridge. oh, well.

so i was supposed to get off work at 1245, but i left early, at 1215. so i decided to go to the bank on my way home, off of rosemont rd (which is not that close to my house). the other day, i found a frozen custard place just down the road from my bank. YUM! it's not as yummy as rusty's, but it's the closest i'll get in virginia beach. SO, i decided to swing by on my way back. by then it was 1245, and it didn't open until 1. foiled again! oh, well....

:-P

life in granada

so i finally just found the supermarket, pali. well, i wouldn´t call it all that "super", but mostly convenient, it is.

along the way back, we passed a group of boys playing a game - checkers, but using soda lids as markers. blue vs white, 2 lids on top of each other make a king.

in the regular market, where stalls and stalls of everything a nican could want are all under the same thatch roof, the girls ask, "¿que busca?" - what are you looking for? nada, i say, just looking. thanks.

they drop the "s" off the end of words, so it´s "adio", not adios. and "gracia", not gracias. it works for a lazy tongue like mine.

a normal sight: a donkey cart loaded to the hilt with packages of paper towels and toilet paper. it has to be tied down to stay on the cart.

most of the people i´ve met are solo travelers. there are far more women than men traveling. most are crossing a huge chunk of central america, such as belize to panama, panama to LA, or even NYC to panama. of these travelers, the americans travel the shortest trips, 40 days being the shortest i´ve heard so far. the europeans, such it´s such a far way for them, usually take at least 3 months. i´m amazed that i speak the most spanish of them. but then again, spanish is touted as the easiest to learn in schools in america, and it´s certainly more prevalent in some areas than it is in virginia beach.

i mentioned to one of these longer-term travelers today at lunch that i´m impressed that they are taking such long trips. he replied that he was more impressed with people who are in nicaragua (or any place, really) for a specific purpose, such as to learn spanish or do social work (like my missions trip would be considered). the grass is greener, i suppose.

then again, there doesn´t seem to be heaps more to do around here. i just created things to do today, and i dno´t know what i´ll do tomorrow. i´ve been to mombacho volcano, where my canopy tour was. i went to the masaya volcano with the group on saturday. i went to the masaya market then, too, and as much as i´d like to go back, i don´t have the budget for it.

i had planned to go kayaking at las isletas today, but the other 2 backed out. one of the islands is "monkey island", and they heard that the monkeys living there were caught in the jungle adn sent there to live in exile so that their owners can make money selling tourists bags of crackers to feed the monkeys. they weren´t down with that, so they decided not to go. i have no idea of ths validity of this argument, but i´ve got a decent sunburn, so i´m not sure i would have wanted to go, anyway.

yesterday i went to laguna de apoyo, a crater lake. it was beautiful there, and i enjoyed lounging and swimming and reading, adn i did take a short kayak trip there, too.

around town, i went up in the bell tower of one of the churches, walked around teh sensory overloading market, been for a swim in the hostel pool, and hung out around the central park a bit. the only thing i still want to do is go to mi museo, which i´ve heard is small and won´t take long.

if i had longer here in nicaragua, i wouldhave gonesouth to san juan del sur, a surf town, to lay on the beach a bit and go down to the national park where teh turtles lay their eggs. i also would have gone north to the highlands to see a coffee plantation and perhaps "volcano board" down the slopes of a volcano near leon. but that´s about it. so i think i´m glad i´m not backpacking teh length of central america, i think i would get bored quickly. in accordance with this, bookstores cateringto backpackers adn book exchanges are in great supply. one guy i´m hanging out with the most just lounges around the hostel most of the day. i can´t imagine spending 40 days doing teh same thing in a different hostel.

anyway, i´m glad to be coming home. i don´t want to feel like i´ve wasted my last 5 days here, and i don´t, but it´s borderline. i´m very thankful for the first part of my trip wheni was legitimately doing something productive, and i had a better look at the culture. maybe it´s just that i picked the most gringo-filled town in all of nicaragua, and no where else is like this.

thanks, friends, for reading more of my ramblings!