my stomach turns...

just got a great (as usual) email from ryan (and michaela, now). they talk about the incomprehensible juxtaposition of poverty and football... watch about the cholera crisis in africa, then turn the channel to catch the highlights on sportscenter. i work at a starbucks in a posh area of town, and there are (at least) 3 homeless people living out front. what do i do? how do i respond? my stomach turns.

i'm really much more selfish and self-centered than that. jealousy also does my tummy in knots. there, i said it. i'm a jealous person.

i'm meeting up with an old friend tomorrow. it's going to be interesting for sure. flip-flop goes my insides.

i keep thinking about a situation i have no control over, that i should be happy about. but i play out the what-ifs in my head, the alternate universe my head has created. my stomach turns with every new "what if?"

or maybe i'm just hungry.

merry Christmas

it's been a while... it's been nice to be unplugged for a while. it's been go-go-go, that i feel like i haven't been able to sit and think about anything, it's all just "what's the next thing?" it's been like that over a month, although thankfully, in the last 2 weeks or so, it's been mostly social events to attend, and not tasks to accomplish. phew!

i enjoyed, for the most part, my family reunion last week. actually, i enjoyed all of it, but i had hoped to talk to other family members more. we went up to bryce, where it sleeted overnight and a nice layer of freezing rain, too, but no snow. bummer!

hmmmm... so i'm a tad disappointed at the moment, tho i was completely content 10 minutes ago. it just occurred to me that i didn't get but one thing on my Christmas list! i did get several very great things, and i'm so excited for the bag that was on my list that i did get, but apparently dec 2 was too late to send my wish list to my family.

it did occur to me last night and today that for the first time, i'm much more excited about what i gave this year than i received.

that's about all the thinking i've done much of the last few weeks1 forgive my brain for trying to rest!

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short story.

ok, so at the beginning of the quarter, i went to the bookstore to buy my books that i needed, and found a lot of other interesting books, too. one of the "extra" books was an old, used copy of a book called "rural development: putting the last first." it sounds like a lot of what Jesus said (right?), when He said the first should be last and the last should be first. so i was happy i found such a great book for $10!

well, then my class started, and i skimmed the book and realized that it's pretty outdated and that development theory has come a loooong way since 1983, when that book was published. also, the guy isn't even a Christian! so much to my dismay, that Bible verse isn't even in the book! sad! what a waste of $10!

so now i'm writing my final paper for my poverty and development class. on my last paper, one of the comments was that i need to use the original source for material, not my professor's book, where he talks about all these other guys. i should go back to the original place the other guy said it if want to quote or reference it. and lo and behold, i'm writing the paper on sunday nite (the day before it's due), and i need the original source on something this guy said. crap, the library's closed.

OH WAIT!!! I HAVE THAT BOOK!!!!! SWEETNESS!!
so now i have the source i need for this one reference for my paper. woohoo!

come.

my heart is a mess.
i see that and have many questions, and i want all the answers. why do i feel the way i do? have i been hurt? why do i feel hurt? who has hurt me? do i have the right to be hurt? am i just being selfish and immature? what are all the emotions i'm feeling? why do i feel them?

i want answers because i think knowing all the "whys" will help me fix myself.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i think that if i can figure out what i'm feeling and why, i will know how to pray.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i want to know all these answers so i can program myself to respond "better" and "more appropriately" in the future. so i will know what all the right words are so that no one knows that i'm anything but fine.

Jesus says come to Me, and I will give you rest.

i think that if i can analyze myself better, i will be more lovable.

Jesus says I already love you. come to Me, and i will give you rest.

Jesus, how do i come?

culture shock

yup, i'm experiencing culture shock. it doesn't make it easier to know what it is, but it does make me feel less crazy. i've been here close to 3 months, and the charm is wearing off. relationship are more real (aka hard), the gloss of classes is long gone, and my emotions and frustrations are off the charts.

the honeymoon is over.

yup, it's culture shock. and i've got less than 2 weeks here to make sense of it before going home, to another type of culture shock.

pray for me!