frustrated

the state of being of my life. it seems like it's never going away.

related definitions:
a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.
the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals
a feeling of annoyance at being hindered or criticized
The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force.
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

one sunday night at house church in college, probably my sophomore year, the "ice breaker" was "what sound best describes you?" i couldn't think of one, which i said when it was my turn. my friend immediately said "i know yours! it's that guttural throaty sound you make when you're frustrated!"

she was completely right. unfortunately, she still is.

i am frequently annoyed and dissatisfied when my goals, expectations, and desires aren't met. sometimes it's small and silly and i should just get over it. sometimes it drives me to other action. sometimes i just grow hopeless.

hope deferred makes the heart sick.

it's not in me...

i have this friend who comes into the bux. i think he's in pharmaceutical sales. if he's not, he should be. he has one of those personalities that is always friendly, engaging, and encouraging. he's also a bit flirtatious with the ladies. ;-) at any rate, he could probably get anyone to do anything, and i'm sure he's a terrific salesman.

i do NOT have one of those personalities. i've lost count of the things i've wanted people to do and they do the opposite. there have been so many events i've tried to plan and organize that never make it out of the planning stage. i just don't have the magnetic, convincing personality that it takes to convince people they want to do something or join something.

it's just not in me to get people to do something. so if it happens, it has to be God. period.

the end of an era

today i changed my homepage.

no longer will i be greeted by the storm prediction center when i open my browser of choice. the updated "overview" graphic with a national radar loop and convective outlook graphics are great, but alas, i will now need to exert some effort to check the latest storm reports.

igoogle has taken its place. the add-ons are fun, informative, entertaining, and extensive. i can check the weather, news, email, and national geographic photo of the day all on one page. i can play sudoku, learn new spanish words, and see the latest espn college football headlines with a scroll down the screen. all customizable for what i want to see.

truly, i have entered a new era. sorry, SPC.

2 years and counting...

i've been home for 2 years now. well, "home". i came back for the holidays in 2005 because both my sisters with boyfriends would be here for thanksgiving. my dad thought it would be nice to have all 3 of us home, so he bought my plane ticket home, but didn't know when to buy it going back for. it ended up that i used it a year later to go back to oklahoma for rachel's wedding upon returning from europe. so "home for the holidays" and now i've been here 2 years.

in a lot of ways i feel like nothing has changed and i've just been stuck here, forced to eek out an existence that is NOTHING like i had hoped, dreamed, or planned. or was in my mindset of living at all. hmmm... i hadn't really planned to stop and "take stock", but here i am, anyway...

i know that i'm not the same. my heart is a lot colder and more selfish in a lot of ways. i've been living alone, in a lot of ways, and i certainly don't have roommates of a normal sense. i'm probably much more cynical, pessimistic and jaded. i don't trust easily. it's hard for me to get excited for friends sometimes, because i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. i guess that's partially because a lot situations and people have turned out not to be as i thought they were. sometimes that is because sin comes in and takes root, and sometimes it is because that is just the will of God. which is/was shattering because i thought things WERE the will of God that turned out so much differently than my comprehension could imagine. i understand, logically, that it's all for good in the end, but i don't understand it. at least not this side of heaven, not yet.

if i had known i'd be living at home for 2 years+, i don't think i would have come. if i had known a year ago i'd still be here now, i'd have tried a lot harder to leave. i was just certain that i would get one of the jobs i applied for that i was so excited about, then so crushed when i didn't get them (months down the road).

i know i've changed in good ways. my understanding of the world and my place in it is better, i think. i'm more socially aware, more culturally aware, and i know myself better. i've been to 11 more countries, 2 others again, and seen 7 more states. my circle of friends is almost entirely new. i've kept up some old friendships and more a few more on my journeys. i have health care now.

i have more/different hopes and dreams, too, which includes a lot more travel and seminary. even looking at it now, i'm not excited to spend another 9 months here. (have i mentioned how i don't like va beach that much?!) i've depressed myself again thinking of all this stuff, but then again, i was a bit glum when i even turned my computer on.

i guess i'm still hoping for something to change, but realizing i'm in for another marathon. better hang on for the long haul.



on another note, i intended to mention in my last post that i opened the gifts michelle and lee got me. a got 2 pairs of really good hiking socks and a water purifier system to use in the back country, so that'a pretty sweet. and something i probably would have thought she were crazy to get me 2 years ago, but now i think is awesome.

on yet another note, i ran into an old friend at church today, helena. i met helena at house church in oklahoma. she attended college in a town about an hour from where i lived, but came with a friend who was high school friends with a girl in our house church. she is also originally from va beach, and ended up attending the same church and house church i went to while at OU. now she is in grad school here in town in the same program as jenny, a friend of mine from high school that i go to church with now. so helena came to church with jenny today. small world, eh? i love this stuff!

thanksgiving and Christmas! (part 1)

so the fam is in town. and my computer is hijacked. it's the only one downstairs, so i've escaped to use one of the 2 upstairs, in my dad's office. hehehe.

we celebrated thanksgiving yesterday, hosting crystal and judy as well. good times were had by all! judy's cornbread was a hit, and crystal's key lime pie was the first gone. we've been enjoying leftovers for a few meals now!

so today was Christmas. we pulled down the boxes from the attic, decorated the house and set up the fake tree. we didn't decorate it (gotta save something for grandmother to do when she comes and is bored!), nor did we bring in "allen", the norfolk island pine. he'll probably make his winter home in the living room starting tonite, however, since we're expecting our first freeze of the year.

in college football, lee was ecstatic for texas a&m's win over texas, as was i. anytime texas loses, i'm all for it! and lsu was beat by arkansas, which was another huge upset! woohoo!! it just levels the playing field in the bcs. what a year! now for ou to top osu tomorrow...

i've SO enjoyed a few days off work. i did go in today to buy an advent calendar. woohoo! chocolate, every day! i also went in for 3 hrs yesterday which wasn't so bad. but i am not looking forward to going in tomorrow. i'm not necessarily dreading it, but it's the first time that i'm less than ambivalent about going to work. ugh.

restless, again...

in the last 36 hours, i've become incredibly restless again.

partially because i'm tired of this season of life. this time, however, i recognize that it is because i don't want to be in the refining fire anymore. there are a couple things in my personality that in many ways are huge plusses, if kept in check. which is a big "if" for me. and because of my personality, don't WANT to do. but that is (at least part of) the reason for this season of where i work and who i hang out with. well, the people around me in general.

part of my restlessness is that i've never done the same thing for more than 6 months. that is, what i do for a majority of my week. (i've been involved in some groups and activities that happened once or twice a week, max, for years on end. but those things don't ever constitute most of my day). not since high school. college semesters were 4-5 months, summers were 2-4 months, BFBC was 5 months, worked in a school for 5 months, a law office for 2 months, traveled for 2 months, subbed for 3 more months, and now i've been at the bux for almost 8 months. i may have mentioned this before, but it's kinda huge for me. that's mostly because i get bored with whatever it is i'm doing (and as for semesters, let's just say i'm SO glad college works on the semester (or quarter).

have i mentioned that i don't always do well with people? i LOVE quality time with people i love, and i will get lonely if i'm by myself for more than a day or 2 at a time. but in close quarters, i get sick of people pretty quickly. i'm sure some of that is based on being raised as an only child. my sisters are 8 and 10 years older than me, so i never really had to learn to share with them. (and they didn't really have to share with me, which is why my sister is so messy in the bathroom when she comes to visit!) my patience doesn't last very long.

i know that eventually, when i live in another country, i will have to get over these things. there will be millions of people who don't believe in personal space, or being alone, or introverts. so if i learn to get over these things now, all the better. ugh. another uphill battle.

i've also been restless because i got the latest issue of national geographic adventure. there are so many amazing pictures of places i'd love to see, so many awesome people doing inspiring things, and too many cool places to experience. another cool thing is that i know (ok, i've met) one of the guys highlighted in this month's issue, tim cope. his dad (andrew cope) taught my "experiencing the australian landscape" (aka "camping for credit") class when i spent a semester in australia. his dad talked about his son some, and tim came to class one day and shared about his biggest trip by that point, riding a bike from the eastern side of russia across siberia and mongolia to china. he then talked about being an expedition leader on tourist trips to antarctica, and then rowing a row boat 4500km across siberia to the arctic ocean. he talked about his dream, which apparently he has nearly finished... riding a horse on the route genghis khan took. from mongolia to hungary. for serious. pretty ridiculous, right? wow.

i've taken to saving photos that inspire me, that i aspire to see in person one day. so far, i've got a photo of camping somewhere in alaska (i'm sure it says, but i can't remember and can't be bothered to go get it out) and an ad for a tour company that shows a group of about 12 in a zodiac next to an orca's fin in the water. perhaps both of them will be accomplished the same trip? it's kind of funny. prior to 14 months ago, i had zero ambition to see alaska. some friends of mine honeymooned there, and i thought they were crazy (if you're reading this, sorry! ;-)). now i know they had the right idea! i think seeing the fjords of norway and realizing there is similar scenery in my own country led me to this place. now it's on my list of top destinations. perhaps the show "men in trees" has kept this dream near the top of my list (tho i think it's filmed in canada). ;-)

ah, a quick update

ok, i forgot what i posted on last month! a few updates:

A: still involved (a bit reluctantly), but i have reached a balance that gives me peace
B: is great. loving it. realized that A and B are NOT mutually exclusive, and that's ok. it's hard sometimes, but it's "home"
C: not happening. well, in its structured form it's not happening, but i'm learning ways to make it happen on my own time, with a little self-discipline.
D: still hasn't happened. don't know if it will or not, or if it should or not. but i'm ok hanging in the balance for now.
E: a good thing, even if it changes. can't and won't give up now, and that's a good thing. ;-)

Jesus has been good in clarifying in my heart what is important and what is fluff. sometimes fluff is good, but it's not what life is made of. and in the meantime, He's given me a lot of peace. things are not completely settled, but i'm ok with the process for now. thanks for your prayers and words of encouragement! they mean a lot to me!

life, continued

so i finished my fuller app this week, thank goodness!! i am glad to have it done! i'd been "working" on it for a month and a half. i sent off the transcript request, asked 3 people to be my references, wrote my essays, and paid my $75.

my boss is leaving as of jan 1. that could be good or bad. we will miss her, for sure!

my sister and bro-in-law arrive tomorrow for 5 days for thanksgiving. that should be good. i got my work schedule switched a bit so i'll have more time with them.

2 friends are joining my family for thanksgiving dinner. i'm excited about that! i'm going to a thanksgiving dinner tonite with my community group. i'm pretty excited about that, too. i baked a caramel apple pie and mint brownies. yum! i love to bake and am thankful for the reason! the whole potluck-thanksgiving-among-friends reminds me of my meteorology days, and the "movie night" gang doing the same. good times.

i'm craving more adventure. i want to travel more. i am going to nyc with my mom in 2 weeks, but she's never been, so i'm leaving most of it up to her, letter her choose what we do. hmmm... more adventure, more adventure...

that's about it for the moment.
so i'll leave you with the lyrics to jeremy riddle's "sweetly broken":
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

life is confusing.

so for the sake of not offending anyone, i will try not to offend anyone. :-P

so i am involved with (or attempting to be involved with) 5 things (meetings/ministries/organizations).
A my heart hasn't been into much recently. it's really probably good for me, even tho it's hard. i was leaning toward backing out gracefully until i read an article that was very convicting. plus there could be major repercussions later if i did leave it.
B is closer to what my heart wants, tho i have been slow to really get involved. and it still isn't that great, but in so many ways is better than other options. until the message was presented that A and B should be mutually exclusive.
C is very much my heart, even tho it would require some stretching and discipline. i haven't really joined this one yet, as i've not been able to get to it yet. until this week when i tried to go, but was told the wrong information and basically had an anxiety attack about the unfolding situation. so embarrassing. i didn't ever make it to C. and C limits my involvement with B, but not A. so was this roadblock that i'm not supposed to be there? or that i am, but i have to fight for it?
then there's D. D is part of B, sort of. D is an invitation-only sort of thing that i haven't actually been to yet. not that i'm not/wasn't welcome, but for other reasons wasn't invited by those who host D. i was invited a few times by those on the fringes but politely declined. so this week, when i was invited again, i got up the nerve and decided to go. only when i tried to contact the one who invited me to get directions, her phone was on silent and i didn't get the info on time. thwarted again. and incredibly disappointed.
and E is similar to D, but different in a few key ways. but it has become difficult in the last few months and possibly will change in a lot of ways or even cease to exist.

so all of these things leave me wondering what it is i'm supposed to do. what am i supposed to be involved in? what am i supposed to give up? are A and B mutually really mutually exclusive? is it possible to do A, B, and C? am i setting myself up for heartache with D? should i invest more in E? or is this just where the rubber meets the road?

in all honesty, these things are made even more confusing by my trip to TX/OK last weekend. i enjoyed it waaay too much. it was the perfect mix of quality time with people i love (i felt INCREDIBLY loved and appreciated) and rest. not that it would be like that if i lived there, but it was so refreshing and i did have a close circle of friends when i was in college that i miss terribly. it just made me realize that what i have here could be so much better, or at least my life and all these things have been better in the past. my trip made me realize what i'm missing out on, in a way. or possibly i should just look back and be thankful but not expect it ever to be anything like that ever again.

so i'm confused. and hurt and frustrated and i don't know what to do.

camping...

so camping turned out NOTHING like i thought it would with the last post. but it was awesome and i am so glad! my original plans all fell thru, so i ended up going to pilot mountain state park, just north of winston-salem, NC. i met up with elizabeth, one of my "boot camp" roommates at HGM. she and her friend karis drove up from charlotte, made their way into the campground friday night, and i got there later, around 830pm.

when i pulled up to what i thought was the campground entrance, the gate was down, and a sign said the park is closed 7pm-8am. interesting, i thought. i must have the wrong entrance. i called elizabeth, and she didn't answer. so i drove up the road to the next town and stopped at a gas station to ask if they knew how to get to the campground. they didn't have a clue. so i decided that since the park is only about 3 miles by 3 miles, i would drive around it on all the back roads (in the dark rolling hills) to try to find the campground entrance. i had looked at the map of the park online a few days prior, but i didn't print it off, and all i had with my was my rand mcnally nationwide road atlas. big help. so i drove around for about an hour, making a perimeter of the park, and i didn't see another entrance at all. and elizabeth didn't call me back. when i get back to the town i started in, i call elizabeth again, leave her another voice mail, and weigh my options.

i decide to go back to the entrance to see if she's there waiting (maybe she forgot her phone?), or maybe there's a sign or something that can tell me how to get to the campground that i missed before.

i drive up to the entrance and a park ranger is standing next to his truck, blocking the road, talking to people who look like they're getting stuff out of their car. i ask him if this is the road to the campground. (imagine all of this lines with a nice country accent.)
"yes, ma'am, but the park closed at 7pm."
"even for the campground?!"
"yes, ma'am. i wish people would call to find out this information, it's posted on the park website. no one can come in or leave the park after it's closed."
"well, i'm supposed to meet my friend here. is there cell phone reception in the campground?"
"yes, ma'am, there is."
"hmmm. well, is there a way to find out if my friends are already here?"
"i'm not supposed to give out that kind of information."
"so would you be able to tell me if an elizabeth marx had registered?"
"how do you spell that last name?"
"M-A-R-X."
"now, i know i didn't register that name."
"so i can't camp here tonite? what do you suggest i do?"
"find somewhere else to stay the night."

by now i'm starting to freak out, but realize i at least have all my stuff with me, and could just park somewhere and sleep in my car if it came down to it. just then, elizabeth calls.

"hey, you made it! we're in the park, so come join us."
"well, the gate is closed and the park ranger is here. there is NO WAY he is going to let me in."
"oh, yeah, the gate was down when we arrived, too, but there were some people on the other side who offered to give us a lift up to the campground in their truck. so i just parked my car and came on up. could you just ask him if you can walk in? it's about a mile, but it's not too hard."

so i tell the ranger my friends are actually here and ask if i can walk in. he says, "no, ma'am, no one enters or leaves the campground after 7pm. that's the rule, and i am the superintendent of this park, and if i let you in, i have to let all these others in." (another car had pulled up and tried to get in and he turned them away.) "this other group is in the same situation, only there's alcohol involved with this group." (he points to the group who is actually loading their car, not unloading as i thought.) "there's another campground up at the next exit, and they usually don't close their gate until later. you could probably stay there."

i go back to elizabeth and tell her. she says, "well, you're not going to stay there by yourself. we'll come out and go camp there with you. but we've set up camp already, so it will take us at least 45 min to pack it all back up and hike back down to the entrance. ask him if there's another ranger or someone who can pick us up and help us carry our stuff back down to the gate."

so i talk to the ranger. "well, don't they have their car?"
"no, their car is down here."
"you mean to tell me they entered my park illegally after the park had closed?! oh, no! they are hauling all of their stuff back down here to this gate! i could give them a citation for trespassing in a state park! you tell them that if they don't get their stuff together and come down here, i will give them a citation. i'll be coming back up to the campground in just a little bit and will be kicking out everyone else with a car parked down here."

i report back to elizabeth. she asks to speak to the ranger. he says, "well, i'm just going to tell her the same thing i just told you," but he gets on the phone anyway. elizabeth apologizes and tells him she didn't realize that she was trespassing and they they are trying to comply with the park rules. he hands the phone back to me. he says, "i don't mean to be mean. i don't want to have to write citations, but the rules are there for a reason. i intend to keep this campground quiet for all those who are here legally so they can enjoy their evening in peace. i can't do that if people are coming and going at all hours of the night. i just want people to follow the rules."

by this time elizabeth is laughing. i pull off to the side and talk to her out of earshot of the ranger. we decide that i should just go on to the other campground and see if we can camp there and go ahead and set up camp. she and karis will hike down to their car and meet me there in 45 min. so i find the other place, find a site, and make friends with the neighbors. another couple of guys come over and say they intended to stay at the park, too, but were turned away. later that night, i meet 2 girls in the bathhouse who were part of the "alcohol" group. their whole group was kicked out, but they didn't get citations.

so we had a noisier evening and found out a band was going to play a concert at 11am saturday. the couple next to us had come here 10 years ago for a concert and were excited to come back for another concert. and cars and trucks drove by all night. the humor of the situation was just astounding.

the next morning, we broke camp and went back to the state park. we met christina, her husband ryan, their french exchange student aurelie, and their dog buddy at the office where we intended to check in. the same ranger was there loading the coke machine. as elizabeth asked him if we checked in here for camping, he said, "i remember that voice!" and we all laughed. he told her that we should just pick a site and he'd be by to register us around dinner time. i had been looking at a map, and then looked up and joined the conversation. he said, "i remember you, too! you have such an honest face, you were in the white car!" and we all laughed again.

so we set up camp, then took off hiking. we went up the mountain on one trail, made some pbj's at the car park near the summit, went over to the lookout (where buddy made a LOT of friends) and then decided to hike down the long way. it was pretty cool - lots of rock climbers making use of the great weather. on the trail down, we passed just a few other people. after a while, ryan said he was hungry, so i passed him my bag of trail mix. he then tripped and had no hands to catch himself, so he just splayed out in the leaves, having dropped half the bag of trial mix right in the middle of the trail. he just lay there in the leaves a few minutes and said, "this is pretty comfortable!" thankfully he was fine, and so was the trailmix. we all squatted down and started eating it off the ground, brushing off the dirt and leaving part for the animals. gives a whole new meaning to "trail mix"!

the whole loop was about 7 miles and took us about 5 hours, including stops. we got back to camp, enjoyed sitting for a while, and made dinner. we built a fire and roasted marshmallows. christina, ryan, aurelie and buddy made sure to leave the park by 7pm to head back home.

sunday we lounged around for a bit and headed out by noon. elizabeth, karis and i stopped for lunch at steak'n'shake (YUM!! we don't have those here!) before parting ways. i also got to stop in durham and hang out with laura for a bit before getting to portsmouth in time for mary and jonathan's bday party. good times!!!

it's been a while...

i don't know if anyone ever reads this, sorry if you do!

lots of things going on in my head and heart, but not much i'm willing to make public.

i really enjoy the bux these days. i was really annoyed to have to work all 7 days this week to make my 39.5 hrs, but i'm glad i got the hours! and it wasn't planned that way, i covered a couple shifts for others. which gives me bonus points with the boss!

i'm going camping next weekend! so excited! it will be interesting to see who goes and what happens, but i am excited, fo sho!

the next weekend i'm going to oklahoma and texas. (so it's a good thing i worked so many hours this week as i'll miss out on some hours while i'm away.) amanda is getting married!! and i get to see my sister's new house and hopefully a lot of old friends. it will be a bit difficult as i won't have a car and i'll have to arrange rides everywhere. but i think it will work out.

my sister and husband are coming here for thanksgiving, but not christmas. my other sister won't make it at all this year. and grandmother will be here for 3 weeks at Christmas.

in other, longer term plans, i am thinking/planning on grad school next year... i've found a program that interests me... a master's in crosscultural studies at fuller, coupled with a master's in TESOL (teaching english to speakers of other languages) from biola. if i study full time (incl summers), it's possible to finish 2 master's in 3 years. we'll see if that happens. it will be tough, tho.

and i want to take the 2nd quarter off (the winter quarter) to go to latin america. my ideal would be to spend a month in guatemala learning spanish, a month with the killingsworths in nicaragua, and then a month travelling peru and chile. i'd love to hike part of the inca trail, see machu picchu, lake titicaca, the atacama desert, santiago, the lakes district, torres del paine, the glaciers and tierra del fuego. yup, it's a lot. we'll see if it works. but it's more than a year away, and a lot can (and will!) happen, but as of now, that's my dream. anyone want to come? ;-)

i HATE those times when my anger wells up inside me physically. i try to calm down, but i feel my face getting hot, my fists clenching and my teeth gritting. the more i think and try to reason myself to cool down, the worse it gets. i really hate that.

i'm alive!

i'm in maine! woohoo!! i'm sitting in a rather expensive internet cafe, on my own laptop, mostly so i can use their power to charge my camera battery and cell phone, which has been completely dead for a while now. one problem is that up here, where coverage is limited, my phone spends a lot more "energy" than usual searching for a signal. so normally, fully charged, i get 2-3 days use out of it. now i'm lucky if i get 24 hrs, and that's if i don't use it but a few min!

so i started out wed going up the eastern shore. i stopped and drove around chincoteague, which was pretty cool. i stopped and saw the lighthouse and a frog and a butterfly posed for me to take their picture, too. then i drove on to queens to visit my aunt and uncle. i went to the YMCA with peter and he wore me out! we had a great thai dinner at a place down the block (and we passed about 5 other ethnic food places, too!) yum!

thurs i drove thru the adirondacks and a few small northern NY towns on my way to montreal. i arrived at leigh's beatiful home and she drove me around her hometown. oh so quaint! we even got ice cream and walked along the lake. then we met josh and drove into the city for mexican for dinner. they gave me the driving tour of the city!

fri i drove myself the wrong way to a car park and took the train into the city. i walked around old montreal for a while and the downtown area, too. then back to the car and back on the road. i drove to a campground in northern vermont, went for a dip in the stream and hit the hay early.

sat i got up early and headed for the ben & jerry's factory. oh yeah, factory tour and free samples!! good times. then i got on the road again and headed for mt washington, taking the back roads. i drove up the mtn and stood in the stiff, cold breeze and watched a thunderstorm grow off to the east. i got back in the car, stopped and bought a stove, stopped and bought the wrong kind of fuel, stopped and bought fruit and crossed into maine. on the radio i heard a severe thunderstorm warning for that storm i saw growing. :-P i finally made it to mt desert island on the maine coast just before dark, but realized i didn't know whwere the campground i was staying in was. i drove the wrong way before calling and getting directions. and i didn't call too soon! another 5 min and the office would have been closed! i found my site and set up in the dark. my phone died, i had the wrong fuel, water got in my stuff in the cooler that was in a ziplock bag, and i lost the anti-roller thing on my flashlight. it was a sad night. not to mention it was so humid i could see my breath. i've never been able to see my breath in such warm weather!! it was ridiculous! but, because of the humidity, i was able to see the lightning from a different storm to my north, even tho i couldn't see the storm itself behind some hills! that was sweet!

so now today, sunday, i drove the loop road around the park and went to the summit of cadillac mtn. then i drove around to otter point and checked out some tide pools, but no sea stars, unfortunately.

on the list for today and tomorrow:
kayak
bike
hike acadia mtn for sunrise
walk over to the island you can get to at low tide
eat some lobster
eat more icecream - at ben & bill's chocolate emporium
get different fuel for my stove? arg!

woohoo! i have to say, maine is pretty cool. it seems like every other car i pass has a kayak or canoe on top. or a bike on the back. i love these people! the motto is: "the way life should be" and on the lisence plates it says "vacationland". sure thing!! but the shore isn't close to tasmania, nor are the hills and trees like norway. but it's a heck of a lot closer than tasmania or norway!!

God has been gracious...

i feel like the Holy Spirit has been good to tell me stuff before it happens. not so much in a fortune-telling way, but in a "this is a possibility i must deal with emotionally" kind of way. i can think of 2 instances recently where it has been good to think things through the day before they became realities. it's good that i don't have to freak out in front of people that way. ;-) in college, i had a friend who would dream about things in much the same way.

i have a french test today. i am delaying studying for it by writing here. eek.

i went camping this weekend! finally! neal and i decided we were going to go and invited anyone who wanted to come along. we had 14!! only 9 stayed the night, and 4 of those were a surprise, but it was good fun. the hot dogs and s'mores were awesome, canoing was fun, and the weather couldn't have been better. yay!!

i'm leaving next week for new england/montreal! as it turns out, i'll be going by myself, so plans may change... i'm not sure if montreal really will be on my itinerary or not. i'm not sure if i can afford an almost 2-week trip on my own. but i'm so excited!!

yup, still avoiding french. ugh.

i realized the other day how much i really do enjoy my job. i thought business was going down and getting slower, but as it turns out, i'm getting better!! when we're busy, it doesn't seem like it, and it doesn't stress me out anymore. and it's more fun as i get to know my coworkers better, too. one of our regulars asked me if i'm always in a good mood, and i thought about it - i just like what i do. some days it stinks. and i get tired of opening, but it's all good in the. it turns out i'm working 38 hrs this week, so we'll see if i still say the same thing by saturday afternoon! (i usually work 25-30).

slight breakthru...

so i haven't been posting for a while. that's mostly because i didn't want people to know specifics of things going on, bc i'm sure i would have offended many. so i operated under the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" maxim for once. plus there were a couple things that i just don't want to tell the world at large.

ok, on to the breakthrough. i was at crosscurrent community group tonite, and i don't even remember what the whole point we were discussing was. actually, i think it was something like, how do we share Christ in a relevant way. part of the process was taking a look at what life was originally like before the fall, what the effects of sin were, and then what the gospel accomplished. the conclusion i came to based on what was discussed (which is by no means theologically complete) was that the gospel is basically all about restoring relationship with God, with each other, and with ourselves. and this gospel is both our reason and means by which we love people. we love people because of the gospel. we are able to love people because of the gospel.

ok, so one of the verses we mentioned in our discussion was matt 5:43-48. and one girl brought up the preceding verses and shared her perspective, so here is matt 5:38-48(NIV).

38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor[h] and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies[i] and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

ok, so the girl was saying that 38-42 are really about love. that in that culture and time, being slapped on the right cheek, being sued, and carrying a roman soldier's equipment for a mile were all insults. it wasn't just a dispute. but Jesus was saying that we should love people so much that even the greatest insults shouldn't hinder our love for them. they have so much worth that even when they do their worst to us, they are still worthy of our love, our time, our attention.

so in my life, it isn't so much others' insults to me, but simply my losing patience with them. there are many ways that people "push my buttons" and i lose patience with them. some of them are personality traits that annoy me, sometimes we have little in common and i get bored with what they are talking about, sometimes they behave differently than i think they should.

back to the topic at hand: how dare i get annoyed after listening to someone talk about their passion for 30 min simply because i have absolutely zero interest in what they're talking about. listening to them and looking for ways to learning from them and showing them i care about them by being interested in what they are interested in is the bottom line. that is how a majority of my generation in this culture feels loved and knows they are worth my time and attention. and the right to share any of the gospel message has to be earned. it usually doesn't work to go around and just hand out tracts. people are hungry for relationship. real, authentic relationship. the kind with unconditional love and acceptance. with honesty with gentleness. thru thick and thin. a selfless love. like the kind Jesus has for us. like the kind He proved he had for us by dying for us. "Jesus died for our sins" seems so cliche to me, but it has become slightly clearer to me how big His love really is. i'm not willing to give up 30 min of my time to listen to someone ramble on about video games. but He died. and an excruciatingly painful death at that. hmmm, that's even where we get that word: excruciating, crucifixion.

i've known for a while how utterly selfish i am, and have become in the past year and a half, but i didn't care. i counted it as my right, my wall to hide behind when giving up myself, my dreams seemed too painful. and that hasn't changed, but i have realized how wrong i am. and i don't think this will be an overnight change. and my heart has to change a LOT more. but at least i'm willing for it to change, and asking for it, not avoiding it, hiding in my selfishness.

i know it won't be easy to love on someone and listen to them and not be annoyed when they are who they are, or even if they are violently attacking me. but at least at the moment, i am able to see that they have worth and are worthy of my time.

if i actually start to live this out, i think it will be more than a "slight" breakthru. but for now, since this is all still fresh in my heart and hasn't been challenged yet, and i haven't had to give up anything yet, it's simply a possible turning point. but now that i've written it here, it's a little more real, and i'm sure i'll be held to it.


i've been thinking for the past few weeks, mostly in passing, about a book we read in boot camp entitled "have we no rights?" it's basically saying that we don't. i should go back and reread it and be challenged by it once again.

i've also been wrestling with the idea of "boundaries". i know they are desperately needed in some situations with some people, but it didn't seem altogether Biblical, either. especially in light of "have we no rights?" i've heard it said, and i think i agree that Jesus was taken advantage of. and if having boundaries is about protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of, then how is that Christ-like? i think this is my answer: it is only possible to love this crazy love of turning the other cheek if it is completely settled in my heart how much i am worth. if i am confident of God's love for me and my position in His kingdom, then nothing can shake that, and no one is really "taking advantage" of me. i am loving him by giving up my rights. i know that this is not completely a blanket statement for all situations, and it doesn't work all the time. saying "no" is sometimes the best way to love someone, by forcing them to become responsible for the situation when it was their responsibility to begin with. and by choosing to love, i am in control of the situation, not "allowing" myself to be manipulated, but rather "choosing" to be. i guess part of the difference is that Christ knew people's hearts. He not only was perfect, He had a complete understanding of every situation and person involved. He knew immediately how to best love someone and knew that sometimes meant being taken advantage of. i think. part of my thought process on this whole thing is knowing that i sometimes use "boundaries" as an excuse to be selfish. and i didn't know what to do about it, or what the truth really is/was in the whole situation.

any comments/thoughts?

shtuff.

i really hate being a girl sometimes. i sometimes feel i could do so much more of what i want to do if i were only a guy. don't worry, i won't be undergoing any sex change operations or anything. just my thoughts.

i am liking my french class now. i need to do more work for it, but the last class we had was good. i was feeling frustrated by the cultural aspects of it for a while, but, at least today, i'm ok with it.

i am thinking again about doing a triathlon. i don't know if i can pull it off or not, but at least now i have a bike to train on. i need to exercise regularly again, and unless i have a goal (and a deadline like a triathlon), i have a hard time motivating myself.

i also think i am going to take a road trip to new england in august. i am thinking stay in boston with friends a few nights, and go out to cape cod for the day one day, go up to acadia np and camp and hike and possibly kayak up there, then head inland to new hampshire or vermont maybe. i'd spend a couple days there, and possibly continue on to visit some people i met in morocco where they live in montreal. and practice my french. ;-) all in all, i think i will be gone at least a week, possibly 10 days.

some friends and i are looking for an apartment. i have no idea if it will actually work out (i have some different ideas about what i want, as well as price range and location), not to mention i don't really have the finances. i figured it out that i will have to work 30 hrs a week for 13 months to pay off my debt. ugh.

i chatted tonite with one of my coworkers when we left the store. that was the first time i've ever closed, and i get to do it again next saturday nite. it was a pretty crazy day... one of my coworkers never showed up, so we were short staffed for a good chunk of the day. i didn't really notice it, but usually we close at 930 and are out by 10, tonite it was 1040. then we talked for 20 min. it was good... i feel like i'm actually becoming friends with some of my coworkers. part of the slowness of that (i've been there over 2 months) is that they aren't my life... some of them only know people they work with, i have other friends outside of work.

at any rate, i think i am showing Jesus to them, at least sometimes. well, i thought about it for the first time tonite, that i think i am "succeeding" in that. i often complain as much as they do, and i don't talk about church much, and i'll get mad and cuss and get frustrated with customers as much as any. but i find that i'm kind, and quick to give grace and not get as impatient as i am sometimes tempted to. and i am occasionally generous. like tonite i gave away a lean pocket. i really don't mean to write this out to toot my own horn, but to encourage myself.

i really do want to be different and not conformed to the pattern of this world. i really do want to be Jesus to people, and love them unconditionally. but i suck at it, and i am at a point where i actually want to be different than those around me, both non-Christian and Christians. we, as Christians, often suck at our job. i don't want to hide behind the lower expectations of american Christianity. i don't want to be stuck in the "norm" of anything that is american cultural Christianity and not really in the Bible. and i know i'm raising plenty of eyebrows doing it. like sunday morning church. nowhere in the Bible does it say we have to go to a big building with lots of people we don't know and some we do and sit for 45 min, after singing songs for half an hour. and sometimes we sit in another class and get taught stuff by smart people for another 45 min. then we will go out to eat with friends or go home and read the paper. it's just become what is expected for american Christians to do. but i don't want to do it just because people might look at me funny if i don't. and i certainly don't want to go overseas and instill this silliness into other new believers just because it's what i grew up doing. don't get me wrong, there is often a huge benefit to doing things this way, and it certainly isn't unBiblical, i just don't think it is Biblical, either. some aspects of it are, but the sunday morning church experience as a whole isn't. just what i've been mulling for a while.

so... the luau last weekend was awesome. everyone who i talked to about it afterwards said they had a great time and enjoyed themselves. it's a pity i didn't enjoy myself more. i'm such a "quality time" person, i had a hard time playing the social butterfly/good hostess routine. i don't think i'll throw another "big" party like that for a long while.

um, i think that's it for now. ciao! er, au revoir!

shriveled.

that's how i feel. i thought tonite, for the first time in a long while, about what it would feel like to be in a place where i feel completely at peace, delighting in knowing that i am doing something i was MADE to do. i don't even think about it as a possibility anymore, so i haven't thought about it in a long, long time. my heart is shriveling and dying a slow, painful death.

i used to have "the morocco job" as a far distant hope, almost a treat dangling from a fishing pole above my head. it kept me going and motivated, in a way, at least letting me think, "well, i can keep going right now because i know that by january, there's a decent chance i'll be out of this place, doing something i want to do, and was at least partly fulfills the i-was-made-to-do-this category." but that hope has crashed and burned with the fateful interview last week.

i was talking with 2 people that are in similar situations to me tonite. one of them is in a healthy enough place to think that she feels like joseph - she feels like all of her odd job experiences and hard things she is going thru are like joseph in jail, learning things that somehow all came together to be 2nd in command of all of egypt. the thought of having to be in a place like this, living at home, for even another year is enough to make me want to vomit, or worse. i can't imagine being here for 30 years. i just can't do it. i would walk away entirely and move far away first.

i know that until i adopt a better attitude i will just be miserable, and it's my own fault. but things suck and i have no hope of them changing anytime soon. so in the meantime, i'm just glad i'm keeping relatively busy so i don't have to be alone with my thoughts and boredom.

in all honesty, working at starbucks is a godsend. but it just isn't enough. financially, relationally, or my-place-in-life-ally. i could still be subbing full time. ugh. but then i wouldn't be so far in the hole still.

better.

i'm feeling a bit better today. a nice long chat at girls' night helped that... it was great to take my mind off of things, and just have a couple people listen as i verbally processed. i feel like all, or at least most, of my relationships have been pretty bad recently. i've just had no patience (no, really?!) for the issues and people that bug me most. i know i need to change that, and i am so grateful for all of my friends that have put up with my mood swings and bitchiness in the last several months. you guys are great. and thanks for your prayers. i still need them.

no job in morocco....

after 3 questions, my 2 interviewers ascertained that i don't have enough independent travel experience to justify giving me a job, so they ended the interview early. they did encourage me to "get out there" and travel a lot more on my own, not in groups or with friends, and then re-apply.

so now excuse me while i cry, and pray that my broken heart and dead dreams won't kill me.

now i'm really not sure, at all, what i should even consider for plans for the future, or what dreams to have.

tonight was my first french class. but now that i clearly don't have any hope of returning to morocco, or really, any french-speaking, or even foreign country, i don't know if it is worth the $500 i paid. my only goal now is to get out of debt so that i can save enough money to travel again.

my mom just pointed out that we prayed that God's will would be done, so this is clearly not His will, but that is no consolation at this point.

but thanks anyways.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TO BE A TOUR GUIDE IN MOROCCO!!!!!!!!!!! it will be one day next week, via phone (the head office is in melbourne, australia). PRAY FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, i am so excited! they are currently hiring for leaders in morocco, with training to start in late july in egypt. if i get hired. i don't know if this is a preliminary interview or what, but I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

storm.

there's a beautiful storm north of here. if i weren't so afraid of my own thoughts, i would sit outside and watch it. (or if i had a roommate instead of living with parents.)





my whole life, i've lived withing other people's definitions. i know my actions will always be defined and put in boxes that will somehow describe who i am. but i am tired of deciding what to do based on what boxes it will look like i fit into. some friends have been talking about the freedom they have found in the verse "if i were still trying to please men, i would not be pleasing God" (dianne's paraphrase). i think i want to step out of more boxes. i don't fit into many of them, anyway, except all the "other" boxes.

i have a degree in a subject i am passionate about and is fairly unique, but i'm not passionate about it enough to pursue a career in it.

i love Jesus. but i don't love the american church, or the evangelical right, or my culture's definitions of Christianity, religion, or spirituality. or really, my church's definition of Christianity.

i am a terrible know-it-all with no "ambition" and not much "direction". i'm almost 24 and i've never kissed anyone. i love my cat and am a product of my generation in ways i'm discovering every day.

and that's just the start.

friends and fluid dynamics

so i'm pretty moody sometimes. especially lately. i get so worked up over the seemingly simplest things, and i am so terrible at communicating myself to those around me, those i love the most. i get really frustrated with myself and i wonder how people around me put up with me at all. i mean, really, in the grand scheme of thing, my issues are pretty minimal. but they seem so huge to me, and i am so good at overreacting, that i do go overboard and then it seems an even bigger issue, then i get mad at myself.... and the cycle continues. i then want to blame everything and everyone but myself, and i turn into this bitchy, pissy, vocal woman.

now i have this friend. i have been hanging out with her a lot in recent times, and something happened. i don't know what changed, but all of her weaknesses and insecurities came out at once, and she seemed like an entirely different person. all of her negative characteristics (that are usually kept in check by the positive ones) have been the dominant features of her personality lately. and really, i have no idea what changed, or if i have offended her and am partially responsible, or anything.

but you know what? the main emotion i feel toward her right now is not anger, or frustration, or impatience, or hate, or even disappointment. what i feel the most is compassion. (if you know me, you know my strength is NOT compassion.) i want to help her, i want to be there for her, i don't want to do anything more that might upset her (regardless of whether or not my action that irritates her is "a sin issue" or not, which is what i usually try to hide behind when someone irritates me, and therefore not communicate what is wrong or confront the person). i want to show her i love her. i want to support her, encourage her, be gentle with her and show her the truth in love. yes, my patience will probably wear thin (ask me in a few days how i feel), but for now, this is how i feel.

so now i'm thinking wow, is this how people feel about me when i'm being bitchy? do they want to just love and support me and walk me thru it? do they have more patience and kindness for me than i want to give myself? wow. i have pretty amazing friends.

let me go a step further. is this how God feels about me? that yes, he sighs at my sin and gives me grace to help me walk out of it, but overall, He just loves me. wow.


ok, new topic. i once knew a guy whose degree was in linguistics, but he didn't use it. when in a job interview for a GIS (geographic information systems) job, he was asked about his degree. he said he described it as a problem solving degree. i don't remember how he described it in more detail, but he said that he learned how to solve problems logically while earning his degree, and that is a skill that can be used elsewhere, including in GIS. he got the job.

so then recently, i was thinking about my degree in meteorology, that i don't (at this point) ever intend to use. i realized that one life lesson i've picked up is that things are never as simple as they seem. as much as my logical left brain would hate to admit it, rarely is one thing solely the cause for another.

in meteorology, we have all of these rules and equations and relationships that always come with an asterisk. they all work in perfect conditions, or when these 3 parameters have these 3 values (which is about a 1% chance in real life), or when we neglect friction, or air movement, or daytime heating, or evaporation. there is always a catch. i realize that these are all things that are used to simplify problems and equations to make them easier to understand for undergraduates, and that a lot of these things are taken into account and understood more clearly by phd's and such. but there is always something that we can't account for. there is always some parcel of air, somewhere, that is not what we think it is and messes the whole thing up. that is why tv meteorologists are "always wrong". it is impossible to know everything that is happening everywhere (remember we're not just talking at the surface, say in des moines and el paso, but also UP, like at 1000ft and 16000ft.) it is therefore impossible to quantitatively say exactly what will happen everywhere at a given time. sometimes we do get it spot on, and usually we are pretty close, but sometimes we are completely off. and we weren't trying to screw with your weekend plans, but that's just the name of the game. there are so many feedback mechanisms and relationships that we try to define in simple terms, and sometimes we succeed, but hardly anything has a specific, concrete correlation that will be exactly right every time.

ok, so how it relates to my life now: i will never know the complete history or personality of everyone i come into contact with. i will get to know the pasts of my close friends, and learn their strengths, weaknesses, woundings, failures, successes and dreams. but i will never have a complete understanding of their whole being. i can know in general terms that someone's dad walked out when they were 8, and so there is a decent chance they might deal with abandonment issues. or i can know that so-and-so really wants to be an astronaut, so he will go to school and join clubs and take internships and do anything and everything he can to reach that goal. these things help me know that i should especially be careful to try to make every appointment and call to explain my absence with one person, and that i shouldn't expect another to choose the aquarium over the air and space museum.

but when a friend seemingly over-reacts, or somehow responds to something in a way that seems inappropriate or out of the ordinary, i have to remember there are a multitude of possible causes. i may think i know which issue elicited this response, but i can't be sure. i need to have grace, patience, and love for these people, and be understanding of unknown-to-me circumstances.

so the really rude, impatient customer at work might be having a really, really bad day. or they might actually have a mild form of asberger's syndrome in which any deviation from the routine is monumental. so putting on a flat lid instead of a dome lid might actually be a really big deal for someone.

i don't always even know why i react the way i do. i don't know when too much is too much, or why i react so strongly in some situations, or am so passive in others. i don't know when to hold out for reconciliation, or when to just close the door and move on. i don't know how to do that, really. i don't know when to pursue some things, or how to relate to some people.

life is full of mysteries. and i can understand their complexities by knowing that the atmosphere acts as a fluid, and i certainly will never be able to learn enough fluid dynamics.

patience and kids

so i find myself with less and less patience these days. part of that is temporary, i know. but part of it is also in finding out who i am.

since i got back from europe, i have been discovering who i am and who i'm not. i have considered a multitude of ministries and opportunities and careers over the years, and so far, none of them has stuck that well. one thing does keep coming up: having a family. i do want to be a mom, and i think i'd like several kids... like 5? who knows. my opinion on the matter has changed considerably over the years, and i don't expect it to stay the same for much longer, anyway. i am certain it will change again by the time i do marry and have to start making decisions about family.

at any rate, i was just thinking about which age i would enjoy the most with my kids, and really, i think (as of now) that i will enjoy them more as they are older... as in late high school, college, early adulthood. that sort of age. kind of like the age i am able to relate to best now, and have more of a "heart" for currently. i have realized in the past few months that i don't have the patience for the little kids. i enjoy babysitting sometimes, and when i do i prefer the 3-4 year-olds, but i am quite happy to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. i can safely say that i am blessed with a lack of patience with kids so that i KNOW i'm not supposed to work with kids. at least not right now.

which leads me to subbing... i do like high school kids (except freshmen) because they can take responsibility for themselves. they can make their own choices and take care of themselves. yes, they are not grown up yet, and need guidance, correction, and a support base, but it's fun to see them become their own people, and find out who they are.

actually, that is what i have a heart for in general. i liked being a "shepherd" of sorts in my college house church. i loved loving on people, listening to them, pouring into them whatever i could offer, praying for them, being their friend, and watching them blossom into the people God created for them to be. that is kind of what i want in 1830, that is what i want at kpc. that is what i am lacking myself. with all the talk recently about mentoring relationships at kpc, i personally am not experiencing it, and i don't think they are doing as good of a job at it as they say or think they are.

at any rate, i don't have patience for kids, but i still want my own, someday. the end.

frustration.

it seems that i don't have much control over my life. i am so easily frustrated and irritated by small things.

i don't want to live here. i would like a "normal" relationship with my parents, or at least one that is more "normal" for a 24-year-old. which would include not living in the same house as them. in my dream world, we would have real conversations once in a while, not non-conversations constantly. i wouldn't care what the kitchen cabinets were stocked with or not stocked with, and i wouldn't have my dad (who says he's on the atkins diet) asking to eat any of my "carbs", then sulking when i say no. argh. i wouldn't have my mom asking if i would be home for dinner. (not that she shouldn't plan, but i don't want to make that choice until i see how my day pans out.) selfish, i know. but in our culture, somewhat realistic. i do enjoy their company in an on-going basis (like having someone around to converse with over breakfast, for example), and i am by far the beneficiary in this relationship (no rent! free dinners!).

at any rate, i feel this is the greatest source of underlying frustration that then causes many other little things seem huge. like my hip. not a huge deal, but it is slightly out of whack, and i can't step forward too far with my right foot, pushing my left hip too far backwards, or it collapses under my weight. so i can't run. not a huge deal, and it usually fixes itself within hours.

once a long time ago, at house church in "the light house" at OU, for an icebreaker we were asked to say or make the sound that best describes ourselves. i said i couldn't think of one, and lana, who was mentoring/discipling me at the time, immediately piped up and said, i know! it's uuuuuugh. my "frustration noise". yeah. so it got away from me for a while, as i matured somewhat and came to be not-as-much of a control freak. but it's back, and so perfect.

so i lost it at work today. not a huge deal, once again, but i was so frustrated and annoyed and who knows what else that i lost it. i usually work register, since i am more comfortable and therefore speedier there than on "bar", making the espresso drinks. i have gotten the hang, in general terms, of ringing people up, managing the drip coffee, pastry case, and keeping an eye on the lobby. so i haven't really "worked bar" in about 2 weeks. in which time i've not gotten any better at remembering drink recipes. i'm cool with how to steam milk, even milk for cappuccinos (keep the wand near the top, but not too close, to make a lot of micro bubbles, foam it until 120, heat to 140, free pour immediately so the foam doesn't separate out). but i can't do anything fast yet, and it takes me a few seconds to stop and think about what each drink is. i can pretty much focus only on one drink at a time, and i can't remember yet to think ahead and do more than one drink at once. so i was finally "on bar" today, and about 5 min into it, we had about 6 people come in all at once. i thought i was doing pretty well, i was able to stop and mark cups as they were called to me, call them back properly, and still keep my mind on the drink in front of me. that obviously wasn't enough, tho, and my boss came out to help. i'm glad she did, a lot of people would have waited even longer for their drinks. and i am fully aware that i will get better with practice, and speed will come. i know that. and i know i'll figure out as i go along how to multi-task as i remember more quickly how each drink is made. i KNOW it will get better. but i was really really frustrated with my boss at that moment. she kept telling me to go faster, which i couldn't do, and she knew; and i couldn't read her handwriting on the cups, so i couldn't see what to do next. a shot of espresso is only good for 10 seconds before it has to be added to something or thrown out. at one point i was a bit overwhelmed and couldn't think of what to do to the next drink, and i ended up letting a shot sit for too long, and the drink had to be remade. somehow my boss also got the drinks out of order (each barista has their own system, maybe?) and a few people were waiting a very long time. most were patient, but a few were frustrated. one girl got upset that she wanted an almond drink and got toffee nut, but i KNOW toffee nut was what was called down to me. i didn't even know we had almond syrup (we do). so in the midst of all that, with my boss telling me a million things at once that i couldn't process or do any faster, i raised my voice at her. i know it doesn't do any good to try to explain myself to her, or explain why saying "hurry up!" doesn't help me AT ALL. so i got frustrated. when all the customers got their drinks and we weren't busy, she turned to me and said, "you can't get mad. it's just coffee. you have to be faster. you can't yell. you have to hold it all inside and then say, 'i need a break' and go out back or to your car and yell there. why did you yell?" i said that she yelled at me, which wasn't true, but was the only way i could think of to say "you told me to go faster when i obviously was going as fast as i could, and you kept saying it anyway. you were making the situation worse instead of better. it would have helped if you could have communicated with me what you were doing with the drinks as you handed them to me, instead of telling me to just go faster and not get upset." i was so frustrated that i couldn't communicate to her how i really felt, both because i couldn't find the words, and she's my boss who i can't "talk back" to. she immediately said "i didn't yell at you. (which was true) i just said you had to go faster. i never yell at my employees. you can't get upset." i tried to say, "yes, i know you didn't tell, i'm sorry i said that, it was just the way i could describe how i felt," but she kept talking over me. which i HATE at all, and got even more flustered, and i started to cry. she could see the tears welling up in my eyes and said "you can't cry. you can't get upset. you just have to make the drinks faster. go to the back and wipe off your face." the fact that she told me i couldn't cry just made it worse. so i went to the back and cried harder. the shift supervisor, who i had worked with all this morning and all yesterday morning, came over to comfort me and ask what was wrong. i didn't know what to say, except just to try to explain myself, which didn't help, and i couldn't say much, so she went and talked to the boss, who started off with "i didn't yell at her, she is so emotional." which is true, but there still wasn't much communication. i did wash off my face, and when i went back out front, she said "i am never rude to my employees. i get a little tense sometimes, and my voice might sound like it, but i am not rude to my employees. there were customers waiting for their drinks and i had to say to go faster because that is what was needed." which is true. so all in all, i need more practice on the bar in less hectic times, and i was so mad at myself for over-reacting like that. i hate how emotional i can be.

so maybe i shouldn't have written that whole story. i don't want to make it out that my boss is a monster, she is definitely not. and everyone at the store annoys me at some point by saying "you'll get faster, it will get better." i KNOW this fact. i am fully aware of it. i would rather them say something more productive, more helpful, but i guess there isn't much practical information to say.

so anyway. i'm frustrated a lot. it isn't much fun.

mat kearney. wow.

so i think i'm in love with this guy. i also think part of it has to do with the fact that he's from oregon, which currently feels the same way to me that paradise does to jihad-ers. maybe that's a crude, rude, and politically incorrect thing to say.

so i did see mat kearney at the norva last night. it was a great show. i went with hannah, who i like more and more each time i talk with her. the opening band was british, so there was a huge british crowd there last night... it sorta made me feel like i were in australia again. in fact, the last time i was at a show like that, i was indeed in australia, seeing my friend paul, who plays in the band "the rex wicked". speaking of paul, who plays bass and has long blond hair, i saw his body double in the 2nd opening act last nite. it was so strange! it really did look so much like him, and i would have been very tempted to think that it really was him except that he would have at least emailed me if he were in america.

but back to mat. wow. great job, man. it was fun how he added a verse here and there, or changed a few words, about how he was in virginia on a monday night. i was appreciative.



man. i appreciate mary's foible of truth even more right now. "why do relationshits have to be so hard?!" actually she said "church relationshits", but at the moment, that modifier is not needed. man, relationships are hard. they suck. people are just never what i expect them to be, what i want them to be. i guess that's what's meant when they say "we're all human". we're all so different, yet so alike. the past few days have had me feeling more "different" than "normal". like i'm the only one like me around. which in many ways, i am so thankful for. but for now, i'm feeling more like an outsider. i look back and am more thankful for my friends in college that i had more "in common" with. maybe we were all just weird. at any rate, i find myself with less and less patience and grace for those around me these days. i don't want to deal with the ones i don't like. and there seem to be more and more of the ones i don't like. at the same time, i am learning to love and trust those that hurt me (mostly unknowingly) previously. i am learning to respect some people that i used to be "friends" with, years ago, but now i am seeing more of these days.

i went to lynchburg/reston to see shannon this weekend. she is way awesome, and quickly climbing the ladders of my favorite people and closest friends. she so joyfully and delightfully hosted me when i know there were a million other things going on in her life and her head. her host family was so welcoming and fun to hang out with, too. they love and appreciate her so much. it was fun to see that. she can be really silly and fun. i didn't find myself annoyed at all, which is rare for me, and i think that is because i know that she is very mature and wise, knows comic timing, and knows when things are appropriate and not. i thoroughly enjoyed my time with her, even climbing the mountain with only a view of the fog. it's just an excuse to go back another time and climb the peaks of otter, when they aren't in the clouds. ;-)

sigh. i wish i could just instantly grow up. and sometimes i like not being grown up. i definitely feel like i'm back-tracking. ah, time. too fast, and yet not fast enough.

sigh.

so many worlds in one

the bold words are hyperlinks.

as i write this, my laptop sits on the coffee table my mother design and had made when she was in taiwan. next to it is a dish i got her in morocco, made by berbers. she also has a small little bowl out that my sister got her in japan that she put easter candy in. and that's just my coffee table.

i am also reading the book angelina jolie: notes from my travels. well, actually, it's her journals from her trips as a goodwill ambassador for the UNHCR, united nations high commissioner for refugees. she traveled to sierra leone, pakistan, ecuador, and cambodia to see refugees and visit their camps and be a liaison to america on their behalf. according to wikipedia, as of jan 1, 2007, over 21 million people fall under their jurisdicion... "traditional" refugees or internally displaced persons. it's simply amazing. in her book, she meets with some of the refugees going thru their original interview, to determine their official status and decide what the best next step is for them. she tells some of their stories... amazing stories that we rarely hear in the media, especially in places like ecuador. i knew there were "drug wars" and such in colombia (tho i don't really know what i mean by that), but i had no idea it really affected so many people. i didn't realize there is so much violence associated with it that affects "fringe" people: those that are not drug lords, working for the drug lords, transporters, drug users, or government officials trying to fight the drug lords. it really is ridiculous.

there are 2 things that i notice most that she keeps repeating. the first is the need for money. over and over again, refugees come forward and say they need this or that, and of course it all costs money they don't have. in most cases that she mentioned, they are real, legitimate, immediate needs: more clean water in drought-ridden northern pakistan. the closest well is over 10k away. in some places, they can only host so many people in one camp, but people have no place to go. so they give them land to set up a few tarps for shelter, but have no food to give them. again and again, in many different ways, she says if people gave more money, they could do so much more... more rehabilitation programs, more schools for the kids, teach more skills to the adults so they can work and support their families...

how do we do this? what is our response? daily, in one way or another, and appeal is made for my money. today: a letter from the volunteer rescue squad. a good cause? absolutely! last week: a phone call from the disabled vets. i have so many friends that are "workers" in other countries, and very few of them actually meet their budgets. it is a very real fear of mine, that as my time comes to raise support and go overseas, my budget will not be met. i don't know why or how or what to do about it. is my budget too high? if i can get by with less than i say i do, was my original budget selfish or greedy? or do my long-term plans suffer? or does my daily ministry suffer? where does faith come in, especially in terms of God's provision? do i not pray enough? do i not have enough faith? are my plans not right if i don't get the money for all of them? i do have friends that are meeting their monthly budgets and encourage other supporters to give to their teammates or friends. and especially when it comes to short-term trips, i see funds raised and beyond. not always, but with much more frequency. while i'm on the topic, recently initiative360, which was the combined efforts of the caleb project and ACMC (advancing churches in missions commitment), both of which i HIGHLY respected as effective mobilizers of the american church toward the great commission, folded due to lack of funds. it was a sudden thing, a loss for so many. thankfully, pioneers stepped forward and purchased the assets of initiative360, allowing the remaining staff members to continue their work. money... stupid money.

what is my correct response? i honestly give about 15% of my yearly income to charity/church/other non-profits. is this enough? how can i encourage generosity in my friends and my generation? even if we all gave 15%, would it be "enough"? so many questions and thoughts that i don't have answers to. what organizations are "worthy" of my money? i don't want my emotions to be manipulated (how many world children's fund tv spots have we seen with malnourished, naked children with flies all over them?), but how do i respond correctly? is it selfish that i give mostly to my friends and home church? how do i ascertain the financial responsibility of those i give to?

ok, so the next thing that angelina (can i call her by her first name, as if we were friends?) repeated was how defenseless all refugees are. they basically have only the possessions they carry on their backs, which is frequently just the clothes they wear. they have fled their home countries for fear of their lives. they are not welcome immigrants to the countries they flee to. many have little or no education, no marketable skills, or at least none that can earn them sufficient income in their new places of residence. as illegal immigrants, they have few legal rights in their current countries. they are dependent on NGOs (non-governmental organizations) like the international red cross/red crescent or the UNHCR for the basic necessities of life: food, water, shelter. so as i sit and re-arrange my netflix queue, i wonder about why these defenseless people don't seem to get the same attention in church as the other defenseless ones that are highlighted weekly: the unborn.

we, as Christians, are called to stand up for the rights of the defenseless (the widow, the orphan). there are 20 verses in the ESV that have both "fatherless" and "widow" in them, in all but one, God provides for them. in the other verse, it is a curse!

Deut. 27:19 (ESV)
" 'Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

Deut. 10:18 (ESV)
He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.

wow. these verses even mention "sojourner", which i'm pretty certain includes refugees. how much has america turned a deaf ear to their cries, chose to turn the channel at the hard to see news reports, or simply delighted in our ignorance. we are so consumed in ourselves that we don't even want to give these people an opportunity to break our cold, hard hearts. yes, i'm making generalizations about the american people, but i think we can all humble ourselves and admit that even if we don't live in this state, we have been there at one time or another.

so again, what is the correct response? how do we change the world? what ways can we get involved? what is my personal correct response? how do i acknowledge the blessings God has given me, and the blessings i receive as simply living in the USA, and use them wisely? how do i reconcile these 2 different worlds?

i was pleased to see a letter to the editor in today's newspaper. a woman wrote about the conflict in sudan and the blight of the darfur refugees, and how they need more attention in the media. find the letter and some responses here.

so i think that's it for today. ;-) good job if you actually read this whole thing. i want to come across with a balanced perspective, but still be true to the discrepancies in my own heart and thoughts. i value your feedback.

workin at the bux.

is hard.

it's a steep learning curve for a non-coffee addict. well, you get what i mean.

i think the most frustrating part is that it doesn't come all that naturally to me. i've never really committed myself to thing that are this difficult. and it isn't all that bad, really! but it's just harder than i thought. and this is coming after a grand total of 2 days of work, so i know in a week i'll think it's better. and it just takes time to learn this stuff and get to know my co-workers. it'll be great in a month!

i just looked up some turkish words... i love how when i see them, it comes back to me so quickly. not that i learned more than a handful of phrases and words.

i like how this guy thinks.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god_article.php?id=7325

more authentic community

"This is how my parents' community works. They don't have endless meetings and minutes. When there is a birth, the aunties know immediately. When someone dies, it doesn't take long for the food rotation to be set up. It is from my parents that I learned my first lesson of community organizing: You must first have a community, one that you share joy with as well as suffering. My parents had a certain amount of respect and trust among their friends. It hit me that being trustworthy was essential to being involved in community work, and being worthy of this trust took a lifetime. My parents knew they could call on people because they knew the community could call on them."

This sounds like Acts 2 in real life. But it isn't. It's a Pakistani woman's lesson learned from watching her parents and their friends after the earthquake that shook northern Pakistan in October 2005. The author and her parents live in the US, but her mother is originally from a village that was devastated by the earthquake. (It's taken from the essay "If This Were My Family: Relearning Important Lessons of Organizing After the Earthquake" by Bushra Rehman, published in Voices of Resistance: Muslim Women on War, Faith, & Sexuality, edited by Sarah Husain.)

The whole story is gripping, to me at least. As soon as they heard of the quake, they were on the phone, learning of the devastation, organizing their network of connections to send food, water, clothing and other supplies to friends and relatives 2 days faster than the government sent any assistance. Wow. The author's parents even went themselves, and lived alongside friends and family in makeshift tents, in northern Pakistan. This was their community, and they wanted to make a difference. In fact, they felt they had no option but to get involved. Where is this drive in my own life?

"While watching my parents, I couldn't believe that all these years I saw them as old-fashioned and myself as the radical one. Watching them in action, I relearned teh most important lessons of activism: The strongest, most effective form of community activism is not complicated. It comes from a sense of family, love, urgency. It's not something that can be taught in a college classroom or learned from a book. It comes from a sincere belief that we are in this world together and must take care of each other, as well as ourselves. How different my own activism would be if every time something happened, I asked myself, 'What would I do if this were my family?'"

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!! I GOT A JOB AT STARBUCKS!!
i'm working at the starbucks at la promenade, near hilltop. it's in the shopping center on laskin road, between the aldo's italian restaurant and talbots... sound familiar to anyone?

i start on monday, and i'm so excited! and guess what?!
MY BOSS IS MOROCCAN!! yeah, she's a french speaking moroccan lady, and i'm so excited! have i mentioned that yet? so if i want to learn french and arabic, which i do, i can practice with her!

i'm scared. i don't want to take out my nose piercing. i am overwhelmed, yet bored.

trust and faith can be hard, but good.

i love my cat. on occasion, he was the only reason i stayed in VB.

africa is on my mind. so is pakistan. interesting. anyone heard of TIMO?

i like languages. i was subbing for a spanish teacher today, and it was fun how much of the conversation between other teachers i understood! i want to learn more languages.

a million more thoughts/emotions/issues

ok, so according to my personality trait (ISTJ), i value family very highly and am offended when family members choose their friends over me. but maybe that's just for the older folks with that trait? or maybe i'm just not fitting the mold? or it's a regional thing (apparently southern and midwestern families are closer)? or it's just that i don't have a very close family myself? at any rate, i feel like my FRIENDS are my family, and i AM offended when they choose their families over their friends. i do. i feel like they've got their priorities messed up. and honestly, as far as my family goes, i don't love them like i should. i am generally indifferent to them. i mean, i do have a good relationship with my parents and sisters, but... i dunno, it's just not like other families i know. and this past Christmas, i just DID NOT want to be there!

so love is a choice. i've thought about that in relation to marriages: at some point in my marriage, i know i will have to choose to love my husband, or divorce will be an option. i'd never thought of that in relation to family until this week. to be honest, i don't really want to love my family. i mean, i do love them to some extent, but on a day to day basis, like i mentioned before, i am indifferent. i don't want to be living with my parents. i'm sick of "dealing" with them, and i know they are sick of "dealing" with me. i don't want to serve my dad when i think he is being lazy, i don't want to obey my mom when the chores she asks me to do are a fraction of what i would do if i lived on my own. i get annoyed at things that wouldn't bother me if other people did them: they're family. BUT, love is a choice. love is patient, love is kind... love is self-sacrificing. i know that in my head, and i am willing to love some of my friends that way. some friends i would do just about anything for, and when they have a need, i am offended that they DON'T ask me! but it is so hard to do with my family. Lord, help me to want to love them!

there are other choices to be made. things to decide to believe when they don't feel true. i have to choose what direction my heart will take. i have to choose to believe that even tho i feel "lost" in life with no direction and purpose, there will come a day when i do have direction and purpose. i mean that i know my future involves long term church planting efforts among the unreached, but what that looks like or where it will be or the timing on it are all a mystery to me at this point. and even tho i don't like what i'm doing with my life right now, i must live this season of life to get to that point. it sucks, but i have to choose to have a good attitude about it. i usually don't want to. but the alternative, the depressed, anxious, hopeless state i was in last year, is not an option.

that's it for now. or at least all i'm willing to divulge at this hour.

life.

so i turned down work today to do something that didn't work out. there were no guarantees, and it was my choice, but man.

so many of my friends are embarking on marriage and kids. i don't think i can relate.

i had some crazy dreams last nite/this morning. they were a lot more interesting than reality, so i kept sleeping.

what happened to the "safety" of college? even tho it was hard some days, and i had to do homework and presentations and projects i didn't want to do, i still had something to get up for everyday, i had tons of amazing friends that i saw all the time, i had a cool apt (sr yr) that was perfect for warm spring days like today. oh, and of course, it warms up out there a lot faster than it does here. i really miss spring in oklahoma.

i feel like i can't enjoy my "days off". in the past, i would cherish days off to lounge around, read the whole paper, catch up on emails or other things online, love on my cat, curl up with a good book, get some things done that i had intended to do for a while, etc. but that is all the "norm" of my life. i don't want to read outside of school, cos then i get sick of it that much faster (i can only read about 20 hrs a week before i don't want to read anymore). i spent all day saturday catching up on chores and cleaning (and wore myself out in the process).

i know some people would love to be in my situation, but i'm sick of it. again. not to mention there have been several mentionings from my parents (mostly in jest, but still...) of me moving out of my parent's house. i wish i could move. but i don't have a job. what happened? what has happened with my life?

i was thinking about it last nite, and God promised that He would meet all my needs. and He has. not the way i want Him to, but He has. He didn't promise to meet all my wants, just my needs. i do have a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over my head and food in my belly. my needs are met.

so i should try to be thankful.

gosh, i hate this crappy mood.

negativity? contrary-ness?

so, i have been thinking and praying a lot about what my "deal" with kpc is. i have realized that mentally, when it comes to almost everything said and any kpc-er i talk to (who i'm not pretty close with and trust whole-heartedly), i am very contrary. that's pretty much the bottom line of all my issues with kpc.

whenever someone mentions something, i think the opposite. for example, a friend was telling me about this hard time her family is going thru, but that she's ok with it cos she knows God has worked out so much of it already and a ton of people have been praying for them. i kept thinking of all the ways God's provision was actually natural, or maybe it's even a good thing that her family is having to endure this, when she is thinking that it is all an attack of the enemy. i, of course, held my tongue and tried to empathize and encourage her, and decided to just pray for her, rather than voice my contrary opinion.

it happens the "other" way, too... when a friend is complaining or expressing frustration with someone, i am quick to give the other party the benefit of the doubt, or help explain why they might act that way. or find fault with my friend, saying that he/she doesn't have the proper perspective to deal with the situation in the "right" way. (like i know what the "right" way is!)

honestly, i'm very quick to do it with my dad, too, especially when he is driving. no matter what choice he makes (which turn lane? how long to leave the blinker on?), i find fault with it.

i'm pretty ashamed to admit all this, but i need help! i need to be honest about what's going on. i need to change my thought patterns. but here's a problem. i know that to fight this sin, i need to come at it with the opposite spirit. but i don't know what that is in this case. i don't think it's just "agreement" with everything, cos there are some things that are legitimately wrong, and we often need opposing viewpoints in our lives to give us a fuller picture. plus that could be a boundaries issue.

so what is the opposite attitude to have? i know i need to pray more to see God's perspective in all things, and for His love for them, but is that it? is there more to it than this?

i have been thinking recently about how satan is quick to put division and strife within the church to limit its effectiveness. and i know he is succeeding with me! i just don't want him to! i want to be loving... "they will know you are My disciples by your love for one another."

part of me wants to just give up and go to another church, where i don't have history and tensions in what is going on. where i will inherently trust people and trust God in them, not be skeptical and cynical, like i am almost all the time with kpc. it is so hard for me to get anything out of the message or even to worship because i'm so skeptical of any works of the Spirit that happen in church, and i find fault with the style of worship (no matter who is leading or what songs are sung), and i am never quick to give grace and encourage the leaders.

but i think this season of my life is to somehow work on this and learn to walk with and work with and love people that i don't naturally like. there are some folks at kpc that i just don't like, on a personal, relational level. but i know they are still my brothers and sisters in Christ, and even tho we will never become best friends, i need to learn to love them and welcome them and their giftings as a more complete fulfillment of the body of Christ, working together. so i don't just want to give up. but i do.

i can't believe i'm actually writing this out, admitting it to whoever decided to check my blog.

personailty...

ok, so i'm somewhere between ISFJ and ISTJ... here are the "traits"/explanations from both that agree with how i feel:

ISFJ
"characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed.""
-yes, except my desire to serve has been way surpassed by my selfishness

"their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical."

"capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties"

"They are extremely loyal to these (few, close friends), and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice."

"the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it."
-true in the sense that i don't give up easily on "old" friendships


ISTJ
"a keen sense of right and wrong"

"often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss."
-but i'm learning

"They seem to perform at highest efficiency when employing a step-by-step approach."

"easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments."
-YUP.

"when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact."
-but i'm trying to learn gentleness in love

sound about right?

yuck

so besides my long run monday, i haven't run all week. i'm lazy. it's cold. i'm sick of it being cold. i just haven't made myself do it. uuugh. the race next week (!) is going to kill me.

in other news, one starbucks rejected me, so i applied at another one. it's been a week and i haven't heard anything. i've subbed more than "usual"... 4 days last week, 3 this week, and a job lined up for mon already.

my kids my first 2 blocks today were excellent... well, much better than i would have attributed to 9th grade core/inclusion english students. first block was apparently amazing, according to the inclusion TA. second block was so quiet! it helped that there were 6 absent. they thought they had a project due today, so one kid thought that's why so many didn't show. i had a study block 3rd block... SO much better than the cafeteria duty i was supposed to have! then 4th block... man, oh man... i wrote a really long note to the teacher that started with "HOLY COW!! I am amazed that you actually try to teach these kids all the time! This is the perfect example of "one bad apple ruins the bunch"!" for serious.

and i'll miss my 2 favorite girls who aren't going to be at 1830 tonite. argh.

so the doorbell rang a few mins ago, and as i stood up to open it, i tripped over my laptop cord and bit it hard. i actually ripped a hole in my jeans on the corner of the coffee table. the same corner tried to rip into my leg, and i immediately got one of those swollen purple bruises. i have a frozen steak on it now, but it's going to be painful for a while.

looking back on it, today really wasn't that bad. on my lunch break, one teacher walked in and said, "i hear you're a good sub! news travels fast around here!" before yesterday, i've never subbed at that school, so fast, indeed! but it was just the compliment that got me thru 4th block.

i need a nap. i'm going to be pretty crabby at 1830 tonite, i can already tell. as "anonymous" says, "why do church relationshits have to be so hard?!"

on that happy note, please pray for me. i have to decide in the next few weeks about a possible missions trip this summer. i really want to go, but it will cost more than all 7 of my other trips combined. yeah, seriously. plus, i am afraid i want to go for the wrong reasons. please pray that God will make it clear if i'm supposed to go or not, and if so, that He would direct all our steps and provide abundantly for all our needs - financial, political, spiritual, emotional, health-ical (sorry, i just had to!), etc.

signed, needing a TON more of Jesus,
d