life is confusing.

so for the sake of not offending anyone, i will try not to offend anyone. :-P

so i am involved with (or attempting to be involved with) 5 things (meetings/ministries/organizations).
A my heart hasn't been into much recently. it's really probably good for me, even tho it's hard. i was leaning toward backing out gracefully until i read an article that was very convicting. plus there could be major repercussions later if i did leave it.
B is closer to what my heart wants, tho i have been slow to really get involved. and it still isn't that great, but in so many ways is better than other options. until the message was presented that A and B should be mutually exclusive.
C is very much my heart, even tho it would require some stretching and discipline. i haven't really joined this one yet, as i've not been able to get to it yet. until this week when i tried to go, but was told the wrong information and basically had an anxiety attack about the unfolding situation. so embarrassing. i didn't ever make it to C. and C limits my involvement with B, but not A. so was this roadblock that i'm not supposed to be there? or that i am, but i have to fight for it?
then there's D. D is part of B, sort of. D is an invitation-only sort of thing that i haven't actually been to yet. not that i'm not/wasn't welcome, but for other reasons wasn't invited by those who host D. i was invited a few times by those on the fringes but politely declined. so this week, when i was invited again, i got up the nerve and decided to go. only when i tried to contact the one who invited me to get directions, her phone was on silent and i didn't get the info on time. thwarted again. and incredibly disappointed.
and E is similar to D, but different in a few key ways. but it has become difficult in the last few months and possibly will change in a lot of ways or even cease to exist.

so all of these things leave me wondering what it is i'm supposed to do. what am i supposed to be involved in? what am i supposed to give up? are A and B mutually really mutually exclusive? is it possible to do A, B, and C? am i setting myself up for heartache with D? should i invest more in E? or is this just where the rubber meets the road?

in all honesty, these things are made even more confusing by my trip to TX/OK last weekend. i enjoyed it waaay too much. it was the perfect mix of quality time with people i love (i felt INCREDIBLY loved and appreciated) and rest. not that it would be like that if i lived there, but it was so refreshing and i did have a close circle of friends when i was in college that i miss terribly. it just made me realize that what i have here could be so much better, or at least my life and all these things have been better in the past. my trip made me realize what i'm missing out on, in a way. or possibly i should just look back and be thankful but not expect it ever to be anything like that ever again.

so i'm confused. and hurt and frustrated and i don't know what to do.