procrastination

i know i should have started researching my final paper for global evangelical movement a long time ago. i had an idea, started researching it this afternoon, and got somewhere, i thought.

then i went to talk to the professor. my crying-in-his-office record? 3 of 4 times. so today he chewed me out for waiting until the 11th hour. i had some good reasons for him, but some not-so-good reasons. and really, i just don't want to have to take his class again. so i don't care about getting an A, i just don't want to fail. and thankfully, i can re-write my proposal if it isn't good enough. which is due tomorrow (the first draft). so hopefully i can crank something out tonite that is good enough that earns at least a B-, then i'll just go on from there.

but really, his expectations are ridiculously high. the required reading for the class totals over 2500 pages, double the norm. not to mention whatever i read on my own for the 2 smaller research papers and the final (20 page) paper. ugh.

my point is that i'm not a student of history and i don't know how to approach history with a "line of inquiry" that he wants. it's history! all i know how to do is regurgitate it! his point today was that he can't help me wrestle with the material until i've done the reading myself. once i've read, say, 500 pages and have a dozen sources, he can help me form an argument with it.

i almost got up and walked out. then i realized that it probably wouldn't help our relationship very much.

so now i'm at the library, with a nearly dead computer (the new one, mind you, since i had to buy a new one last week since i spilled coffee all over the "old" one) and i forgot my power cord. and i'm checking my friends' blogs, catching up on emails, and writing this post.

even better, i'm leaving for "taco tuesday" in 16 minutes. yum.

here on the 3rd floor of the new library, i have (or had until it got dark 10 minutes ago) a great view of the mountains to the north and east. it's a bit smoggy today, which made for a great fading effect with distance. and the mountains that peek up between the 2 ranges that are closer are completely snow-capped, which with palm trees in the foreground is just fantabulous. i love it.

so now, with 14 minutes left to research, i shall start to look into the role of women in missions to china in the early 1900s. wish me luck. ugh.

ps.

only 14 days until i move.

urban retreat day.

It seemed like a normal day. Only this was a day that I could go out and have fun and not feel guilty because it actually counted for schoolwork. My urban exploration day wasn’t a new experience for me, it didn’t revolutionize the way I experience the city or the way I look for and experience God. It was a normal day of traveling alone.

On my way to the metro station, I walked by part of the municipal areas of Pasadena I hadn’t seen before. I saw a tent set up in an enclosed area with picnic tables, like an enclosed park. On my side of the fence, I saw a pair of boots on the sidewalk, set out like my neighbor sets out his shoes by his front door. I wondered if the boots and tent were connected.

While on the gold line to Union station, I read Matthew 15:21-28, the story of the Canaanite woman. (What are the crumbs? Who is asking for crumbs?) The chorus of Brandon Heath’s “Give Me Your Eyes” kept running through my mind. (There sure are a lot of bright, beautiful colors in all that graffiti.) Naps, scowls and books all around.

As I walked around Union station, I felt like I was in Europe, but the crowds looked different, with more luggage. (What does bringing God’s Kingdom look like here?) I decided that Los Angeles itself is the gateway to America. (Or is LA the gateway to the world?) A woman with a bun perfectly on top of her head.

I left the station, praying as I walked, and realized I was following someone to downtown. I found myself on Broadway, going south. (Do the trees in that courtyard know they’re not in a forest?) I spotted what looked like an Arab, a Mexican, and a Korean all huddled under an umbrella.

I followed the signs to the Central Market, wondering what kind of wares would be found there. As I ducked inside out of the rain, I found myself in another country. I had been here before, I knew it, but I couldn’t quite remember where. (Mexico? Morocco? Italy?) I simultaneously felt at home and like a foreigner in my own country. While eating my terrifically delicious tacos, I noticed that most people around me were by themselves, too. (Where are they from? What is their story?) A man in a blazer and bellbottoms. An African-American woman with white hair and striking green-blue eyes.

I then followed the signs to the Central Library and immediately fell in love with it. This was my sanctuary in the city – the foreign languages section – a refuge from communication, to communication. A man snoring behind me, on top of his pile of books.

All day I noticed the small, mundane, humorous things, just like I usually would. I enjoyed the artwork all around, the tiles, mosaics and murals. (Am I a tourist or am I engaging? How do I engage in this world?)

If Jesus is the answer, what is the question?

stories

i shared my story yesterday. and it was a story i don't share often, or perhaps the reality is i've never shared it that way before. i connected things and thought about my story in a new way.

i usually say something along the lines of "the 3 years i was living at home in VA were hard." i might add that the first 5 months were especially so. but i don't usually go into how depressed or suicidal i was. and it's a scary thing to admit, especially to myself.

but praise be to the God of hope, who gives good gifts (and trips) to His children! He alone is the one who rescued me from the pit of despair, who sets my feet on a firm foundation - His love and grace. He is my life, my love, my hope, my praise.

Oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!

tired. go figure.

i think, in some ways, life has caught up to me.

i have been so thankful to have the prudence of a steady pace of life. even when i am overwhelmed, i've had the sense of mind to slow down and chill out some. but i guess i haven't always been resting in that time, and i'm feeling it now.

tonite at work, my brain just wasn't on. and i didn't have much motivation to turn it on, and i did ok, but not great.

i had an up-and-down day. i got a package from my girls - yay!! i'm so excited and so thankful! it made my day! lots of cool things, fun things, and some practical things. ;-) and cards from all of them, and a cd, too! yay!

but then reality set in. i'm still bitter and jealous and think that i should be the one who gets to do some things other people get to do. and i'm tired of fighting the fight to not be jealous, to be excited for my friends who get to do cool things. and i know it's not always easy for them, so i want to be there to help and support them, but when i'm jealous, all i want to do is stay away and not be reminded that i'm not the one who gets to do it. so in some ways, i'm able to know my limits and let others step in to help. and in some ways, i've just got to get over it! oh Lord, help me!

i'm officially allergic to kay spirit sanitizer, the stuff we use at work. when i use it, i get a rash on my hands. now i officially know not to use it, or to wear gloves when i do. not a big deal, but now i know.

i officially signed my lease and turned in my 30-day notice today. i'm moving! it's official!!! i'll send out my new address in a bit.

i LOVE that i am here, that i can constantly verbally process. i'm SO thankful that i have people around me who will listen, give me feedback, and direct my thoughts in new directions. i have learned SO much just in the last few months!! and not just concepts and fact, but skills and wisdom, too. it's a beautiful thing. study groups are good for me, they force me to engage the material, but also use my critical thinking skills to distill out the important info.

but sometimes i HATE being a verbal processor. at least when i don't have anyone to process to. or when i use the wrong people to process to, and it's not good. that really sucks sometimes. it's like i'm walking around naked all the time.

like the "25 things" thing on facebook. i'd love to post 25 things, but really, the only things i can come up with are either not new to anyone (bc i'm such an open book), or they're completely inappropriate for general audiences. there's no in between with me, it's all or nothing.

it all makes for interesting internal dialogues.
but hopefully my mind will quiet enough to let me get some sleep tonite.