negativity? contrary-ness?

so, i have been thinking and praying a lot about what my "deal" with kpc is. i have realized that mentally, when it comes to almost everything said and any kpc-er i talk to (who i'm not pretty close with and trust whole-heartedly), i am very contrary. that's pretty much the bottom line of all my issues with kpc.

whenever someone mentions something, i think the opposite. for example, a friend was telling me about this hard time her family is going thru, but that she's ok with it cos she knows God has worked out so much of it already and a ton of people have been praying for them. i kept thinking of all the ways God's provision was actually natural, or maybe it's even a good thing that her family is having to endure this, when she is thinking that it is all an attack of the enemy. i, of course, held my tongue and tried to empathize and encourage her, and decided to just pray for her, rather than voice my contrary opinion.

it happens the "other" way, too... when a friend is complaining or expressing frustration with someone, i am quick to give the other party the benefit of the doubt, or help explain why they might act that way. or find fault with my friend, saying that he/she doesn't have the proper perspective to deal with the situation in the "right" way. (like i know what the "right" way is!)

honestly, i'm very quick to do it with my dad, too, especially when he is driving. no matter what choice he makes (which turn lane? how long to leave the blinker on?), i find fault with it.

i'm pretty ashamed to admit all this, but i need help! i need to be honest about what's going on. i need to change my thought patterns. but here's a problem. i know that to fight this sin, i need to come at it with the opposite spirit. but i don't know what that is in this case. i don't think it's just "agreement" with everything, cos there are some things that are legitimately wrong, and we often need opposing viewpoints in our lives to give us a fuller picture. plus that could be a boundaries issue.

so what is the opposite attitude to have? i know i need to pray more to see God's perspective in all things, and for His love for them, but is that it? is there more to it than this?

i have been thinking recently about how satan is quick to put division and strife within the church to limit its effectiveness. and i know he is succeeding with me! i just don't want him to! i want to be loving... "they will know you are My disciples by your love for one another."

part of me wants to just give up and go to another church, where i don't have history and tensions in what is going on. where i will inherently trust people and trust God in them, not be skeptical and cynical, like i am almost all the time with kpc. it is so hard for me to get anything out of the message or even to worship because i'm so skeptical of any works of the Spirit that happen in church, and i find fault with the style of worship (no matter who is leading or what songs are sung), and i am never quick to give grace and encourage the leaders.

but i think this season of my life is to somehow work on this and learn to walk with and work with and love people that i don't naturally like. there are some folks at kpc that i just don't like, on a personal, relational level. but i know they are still my brothers and sisters in Christ, and even tho we will never become best friends, i need to learn to love them and welcome them and their giftings as a more complete fulfillment of the body of Christ, working together. so i don't just want to give up. but i do.

i can't believe i'm actually writing this out, admitting it to whoever decided to check my blog.