that's how i feel. i thought tonite, for the first time in a long while, about what it would feel like to be in a place where i feel completely at peace, delighting in knowing that i am doing something i was MADE to do. i don't even think about it as a possibility anymore, so i haven't thought about it in a long, long time. my heart is shriveling and dying a slow, painful death.
i used to have "the morocco job" as a far distant hope, almost a treat dangling from a fishing pole above my head. it kept me going and motivated, in a way, at least letting me think, "well, i can keep going right now because i know that by january, there's a decent chance i'll be out of this place, doing something i want to do, and was at least partly fulfills the i-was-made-to-do-this category." but that hope has crashed and burned with the fateful interview last week.
i was talking with 2 people that are in similar situations to me tonite. one of them is in a healthy enough place to think that she feels like joseph - she feels like all of her odd job experiences and hard things she is going thru are like joseph in jail, learning things that somehow all came together to be 2nd in command of all of egypt. the thought of having to be in a place like this, living at home, for even another year is enough to make me want to vomit, or worse. i can't imagine being here for 30 years. i just can't do it. i would walk away entirely and move far away first.
i know that until i adopt a better attitude i will just be miserable, and it's my own fault. but things suck and i have no hope of them changing anytime soon. so in the meantime, i'm just glad i'm keeping relatively busy so i don't have to be alone with my thoughts and boredom.
in all honesty, working at starbucks is a godsend. but it just isn't enough. financially, relationally, or my-place-in-life-ally. i could still be subbing full time. ugh. but then i wouldn't be so far in the hole still.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
hiking in acadia national park, maine
My journey in heart and space
Posts
hiking in acadia national park, maine
Links
About Me
- Dianne
- Pasadena, California
- After graduating from the University of Oklahoma (go Sooners!) with a degree in Meteorology, I am now on my way to only God knows where. I had a pit stop for a few years back home in VA, and now have spent more than 3 years in Pasadena. I finished an MA in Crosscultural Studies, with an emphasis in international development, and work at a major, global NGO.
1 comment:
hey girl, how are you feeling today? a little better? i have an on-campus interview in Mobile, AL at the Univ of S. Alabama soon... will keep everyone posted. one thing i've learned during this whole process is that I can enjoy it all b/c I am not the one calling the shots; God will place me where he desires. So that is my encouragement: don't get wrapped up in discovering the "perfect 10-step plan for your life", agonizing over whether you are in god's will or not. imo, his will is for us to love him and take steps of faith, whether that be to be kind to our coworker, share our beliefs with a friend, or move around the world to sacrifice and share deeply. if we're following those two steps (A: love him; B: take steps of faith), then enjoy the ride b/c it will be amazing! :) have you thought about other work options in-country? what about a multinational corporation? how about teaching science or math, in english, at a local school? maybe volunteering with a NGO doing disaster relief. i hear the peace corps is pretty cool. the way i see it, if your heart truly desires to live overseas, then continue applying for those types of jobs and God'll give you one of 'em eventually! ok, off the soapbox; tis late anyway. peace.
Post a Comment