frustration.

it seems that i don't have much control over my life. i am so easily frustrated and irritated by small things.

i don't want to live here. i would like a "normal" relationship with my parents, or at least one that is more "normal" for a 24-year-old. which would include not living in the same house as them. in my dream world, we would have real conversations once in a while, not non-conversations constantly. i wouldn't care what the kitchen cabinets were stocked with or not stocked with, and i wouldn't have my dad (who says he's on the atkins diet) asking to eat any of my "carbs", then sulking when i say no. argh. i wouldn't have my mom asking if i would be home for dinner. (not that she shouldn't plan, but i don't want to make that choice until i see how my day pans out.) selfish, i know. but in our culture, somewhat realistic. i do enjoy their company in an on-going basis (like having someone around to converse with over breakfast, for example), and i am by far the beneficiary in this relationship (no rent! free dinners!).

at any rate, i feel this is the greatest source of underlying frustration that then causes many other little things seem huge. like my hip. not a huge deal, but it is slightly out of whack, and i can't step forward too far with my right foot, pushing my left hip too far backwards, or it collapses under my weight. so i can't run. not a huge deal, and it usually fixes itself within hours.

once a long time ago, at house church in "the light house" at OU, for an icebreaker we were asked to say or make the sound that best describes ourselves. i said i couldn't think of one, and lana, who was mentoring/discipling me at the time, immediately piped up and said, i know! it's uuuuuugh. my "frustration noise". yeah. so it got away from me for a while, as i matured somewhat and came to be not-as-much of a control freak. but it's back, and so perfect.

so i lost it at work today. not a huge deal, once again, but i was so frustrated and annoyed and who knows what else that i lost it. i usually work register, since i am more comfortable and therefore speedier there than on "bar", making the espresso drinks. i have gotten the hang, in general terms, of ringing people up, managing the drip coffee, pastry case, and keeping an eye on the lobby. so i haven't really "worked bar" in about 2 weeks. in which time i've not gotten any better at remembering drink recipes. i'm cool with how to steam milk, even milk for cappuccinos (keep the wand near the top, but not too close, to make a lot of micro bubbles, foam it until 120, heat to 140, free pour immediately so the foam doesn't separate out). but i can't do anything fast yet, and it takes me a few seconds to stop and think about what each drink is. i can pretty much focus only on one drink at a time, and i can't remember yet to think ahead and do more than one drink at once. so i was finally "on bar" today, and about 5 min into it, we had about 6 people come in all at once. i thought i was doing pretty well, i was able to stop and mark cups as they were called to me, call them back properly, and still keep my mind on the drink in front of me. that obviously wasn't enough, tho, and my boss came out to help. i'm glad she did, a lot of people would have waited even longer for their drinks. and i am fully aware that i will get better with practice, and speed will come. i know that. and i know i'll figure out as i go along how to multi-task as i remember more quickly how each drink is made. i KNOW it will get better. but i was really really frustrated with my boss at that moment. she kept telling me to go faster, which i couldn't do, and she knew; and i couldn't read her handwriting on the cups, so i couldn't see what to do next. a shot of espresso is only good for 10 seconds before it has to be added to something or thrown out. at one point i was a bit overwhelmed and couldn't think of what to do to the next drink, and i ended up letting a shot sit for too long, and the drink had to be remade. somehow my boss also got the drinks out of order (each barista has their own system, maybe?) and a few people were waiting a very long time. most were patient, but a few were frustrated. one girl got upset that she wanted an almond drink and got toffee nut, but i KNOW toffee nut was what was called down to me. i didn't even know we had almond syrup (we do). so in the midst of all that, with my boss telling me a million things at once that i couldn't process or do any faster, i raised my voice at her. i know it doesn't do any good to try to explain myself to her, or explain why saying "hurry up!" doesn't help me AT ALL. so i got frustrated. when all the customers got their drinks and we weren't busy, she turned to me and said, "you can't get mad. it's just coffee. you have to be faster. you can't yell. you have to hold it all inside and then say, 'i need a break' and go out back or to your car and yell there. why did you yell?" i said that she yelled at me, which wasn't true, but was the only way i could think of to say "you told me to go faster when i obviously was going as fast as i could, and you kept saying it anyway. you were making the situation worse instead of better. it would have helped if you could have communicated with me what you were doing with the drinks as you handed them to me, instead of telling me to just go faster and not get upset." i was so frustrated that i couldn't communicate to her how i really felt, both because i couldn't find the words, and she's my boss who i can't "talk back" to. she immediately said "i didn't yell at you. (which was true) i just said you had to go faster. i never yell at my employees. you can't get upset." i tried to say, "yes, i know you didn't tell, i'm sorry i said that, it was just the way i could describe how i felt," but she kept talking over me. which i HATE at all, and got even more flustered, and i started to cry. she could see the tears welling up in my eyes and said "you can't cry. you can't get upset. you just have to make the drinks faster. go to the back and wipe off your face." the fact that she told me i couldn't cry just made it worse. so i went to the back and cried harder. the shift supervisor, who i had worked with all this morning and all yesterday morning, came over to comfort me and ask what was wrong. i didn't know what to say, except just to try to explain myself, which didn't help, and i couldn't say much, so she went and talked to the boss, who started off with "i didn't yell at her, she is so emotional." which is true, but there still wasn't much communication. i did wash off my face, and when i went back out front, she said "i am never rude to my employees. i get a little tense sometimes, and my voice might sound like it, but i am not rude to my employees. there were customers waiting for their drinks and i had to say to go faster because that is what was needed." which is true. so all in all, i need more practice on the bar in less hectic times, and i was so mad at myself for over-reacting like that. i hate how emotional i can be.

so maybe i shouldn't have written that whole story. i don't want to make it out that my boss is a monster, she is definitely not. and everyone at the store annoys me at some point by saying "you'll get faster, it will get better." i KNOW this fact. i am fully aware of it. i would rather them say something more productive, more helpful, but i guess there isn't much practical information to say.

so anyway. i'm frustrated a lot. it isn't much fun.