gray areas.

being bitter is no fun. really, it's not. but i'm not sure what to do about it. i wonder if it's one of the 5 stages of grief. along with the bitterness comes a lot of anger, and i know that's one of the stages of grief. it's kind of ridiculous how long it's taken me to get this far. it's only been this week that i realized i'm allowed to be angry.

and so i am. i am very angry. and unfortunately, my anger has had some undeserving victims, including the boy who happened to crash the aforementioned glee-watching-night. it really wasn't his fault. (i'm sorry, elijah.)

it seems like our Christian culture has just tried to squash all "negative" emotions. i don't know what to do with them. i really don't. i don't know a productive, or at least less-sinful way to be angry. i don't know how to heal, how to get to the next step (whatever it is) in this journey. i thought i had forgiven, can i still be angry after i've forgiven? is it possible? i don't know. have i forgiven parts but not all? how do you go on with life after forgiveness? in a sense, the damage has been done. i just don't know.

and so i kind of gave up. i don't want to be angry, but i do want vindication, of a sort. a friend of mine this week treated me in a very healing way, going out of her way to behave the opposite of (one of) the way(s) i'd been hurt. i don't think she fully understands the redemption of her act, i'm not sure if she realizes how much i'd been hurt by doing the opposite of what she did; she just did it because she was treating me the way she wanted to be treated. it was great. (it did take another friend to point out the beauty of this redemption, however; i didn't see it myself.)

and so i want to move on. part of me is just waiting for time - time doesn't heal all wounds, but it helps. space helps, to a point.

in all honesty, the hardest part is navigating the external stuff. the stuff that goes well beyond the issue, the hurt, the (end of the) relationship. i don't know how to talk in a healthy way. i don't want to gossip (really, i don't), but i'm a verbal processor. how do i walk that line? how do i get healing without sinning more? God really has been amazing to me, to give me clarity and insight that could only have come from Him. He is certainly good and is bringing me to wholeness, maturity, and healing. but He definitely uses people for some of that, and it's all a gray area.

so where do i go from here? how do i walk this out?