dreams

my friend elizabeth is in cambodia right now. she's taking photos on a short-term trip about the children and women who are the victims of the sex industry. she's posting on her own blog (almondleaf) and on the blog for a sponsoring organization (silent images). on her latest silent images blog, universal red light, she talks to some of the sex workers in the red light district. her posting closes with a quote from one of the women: "Dreaming costs nothing... let's dream." Elizabeth exclaims: "It made my heart leap for joy with the hope that one day, just maybe, she’ll get to have that new life that we dreamt about together for her."

when i read this, i immediately thought "dreaming costs everything!"

in my self-care in mission class, we talked about grief and loss yesterday. there are 6 types of loss that we can experience and grieve, and one of them is an intrapsychic loss, the loss of an ideal or dream. perhaps i reacted so strongly above because of the 6 types of loss, this is the one i've experienced most deeply.

at the moment, i'm sorting through this one again. my journey this summer to find another housemate has been absolutely astounding. time and again, a great opportunity has arisen, i've gotten really excited about it and started thinking through what it would look like, and then it's not worked out. i'm exhausted. i'm so sick of closed doors and "no"s.

as of last saturday, the deal was almost done. i had 3 girls interested in moving in. sunday, one of them seemed to get more stable and another one less stable. monday, i realized the less stable one wouldn't work at all; down to 2. i checked in with both of them, both of them still strong maybes. tuesday, i got nervous waiting. wednesday, one of them backed out. since then, i haven't gotten in touch with the 3rd. she hasn't responded to my emails or voice mails, which sounds like avoidance to me. (though it is entirely possible that she has had a personal tragedy, or some other completely excusable explanation.)

i really, really thought i'd have this whole thing figured out by tuesday, wednesday at the latest. it's SO disheartening to have it be friday, and i get to renew my search all over again. i've been working on this since june! financially, i'm freaking out - i can't afford to keep paying rent-and-a-half! emotionally, i'm just not sure if i can do this again. it doesn't help that i'm doing it alone, that my other roommates (old and new) aren't able to help me. well, i take that back. they've both been a great consolation to me in the struggle, they just haven't been able to actively search. i have never been prayed for this much in my life. i have no idea what God is up to, or why it's taking so long to figure out.

i had no idea that my summer would be this stressful, that i would be this emotionally distraught over the whole thing. i have spent hours and hours online, looking for roommates, emailing them, thinking and praying about possibilities. so many of my friends on campus know, and ask me about it every time i see them. i'm so grateful for their concern and compassion, but i'm starting to feel like "the girl no one wants to live with". like it's becoming part of my identity.

so anyway, i covet your continued prayers. this dream has cost a lot, and it's not over yet.