brutal.

today was brutal.

i'm taking a 1-week intensive, and today i just about walked out in the middle. just one more day to go, just one more day to go. as i walked home, i chatted with my friend brian, and i asked him how he decompresses after an afternoon like that. he said he asks his wife to take their baby for 20 minutes and just let him collapse on his bed. that doesn't really work for me, so i did what i do best: bake cookies.

as i mixed together the ingredients, i thought about why today was so bad. the past 3 days were rigorous, but not exhausting. well today, we hit on every topic that i haven't quite figured out yet, or that i have reservations about, or that is just plain hard for me to internalize and live out, at least these topics that are relevant to the class: Effective Witness in Muslim Contexts.

the professor goes by 2 names, one in America and another overseas and in literature, and i don't know if i'll choose the right one and inadvertently "out" him, perhaps. so i'll just say that he's an amazing man, with wisdom well beyond his years. he loves the Lord, he loves Muslims, and he is very intelligent. i highly respect this man and am so appreciative of this opportunity to learn from him. he teaches this class as a discipleship session, with great humility and a desire to learn, himself.

but today was tough.

we started out by talking about working on a team, and specifically, peacemaking. it was an impromptu "teaching moment", but filled with truth that i find it easy to agree with and hard to live by. several of the things that were mentioned i instinctively thought "no way!" i know he's right, and i have a lot of growing to do in keeping short accounts, opening the way for communication, and quickly forgiving. he did talk about the importance of having a "peacemaking plan" in mind even before conflict arises. it makes sense. he recommended a book, Peacemaking, by Rick Love. i haven't read it (or even seen a copy in person), but i thought i'd throw out the reference if anyone is interested.

we talked about women in the Muslim world. i highly recommend two books (that were both required reading for the class) that have illumined my understanding of the cultural and religious aspects of the woman in the Muslim world. one is Miniskirts, Mothers & Muslims by Christine Mallouhi. The other is Touching the Soul of Islam by Bill Musk. but understanding doesn't make it easier to accept. when i was in Turkey 7 years ago, one of the hardest things for me was this huge emphasis on differentiating the genders. i have friends that are male, and i can't imagine not being friends with them, even while i desire to honor and respect the customs of my adopted country. it's hard for me to accept that if i lived in a Muslim country, i couldn't have the same conversation with brian as described above. i just can't wrap my head around it, nor at the moment choose to embrace it. that would require a level of grace that i don't have the strength to even ask for yet.

we talked about inner healing and deliverance prayer today, too. these are both tremendously needed and essential to the effective spread of the Kingdom, but i have my reservations. i have grown a lot and matured in respect to these supernatural events, but it's still hard for me to accept them or pursue them, much less practice them. it's hard. i've been wounded and frustrated by these types of prayer ministries and other "acts" of the Holy Spirit. it's just a touchy subject for me, but it was definitely good to be reminded of their importance in this type of ministry.

we talked about "dialogue", as in Muslim/Christian dialogue and Evangelical/Mormon dialogue. we were talking about using it as a tool or mode of witness, which is another subject i can't wrap my head around. doug mcconnell, our dean, came in and talked about this for about 30 minutes this afternoon. he's just published 2 papers on the subject and definitely knows a lot. but when we talks, man, it's like trying to drink from a firehose. everything he says is meaty, but i still didn't quite catch his bottom line. therefore i had a limited framework from which to understand what he was talking about, so i was confused and overwhelmed for most of the 30 minutes. it was good to discuss so that i get more comfortable with it, but it was tough.

we concluded the class by creating a list of modes of witness to Muslims. it was an interesting list we came up with, but it raised several deep questions: What do we mean by "witness"? What is the core of our message, without which there is no salvation? What is the "line" that must be crossed for someone to enter the Kingdom of God? What do we mean by "Kingdom of God"? What is the core of the church? what is a believer? at first, these questions seem elementary enough, but they go deep.

man, i don't do well with ambiguity. i like to have things figured out and well-organized in my brain. which is why i resort to making cookies when all else fails.

on top of being in class 6 hours a day for the week, and auditing (attending lectures) for another class (2 nights a week for 3 hours a night), there is a LOT else going on. i have to work tonight, and thankfully that's my first shift this week. my roommate robyn is moving out tomorrow and we don't have anyone else moving in, which means we'll be charged her rent until we find someone, ugh. there is a LOT up in the air - who moves in? do we move out? where do we go? it seems like there are a million ways this could all play out, but we have no way of knowing. i have a lot of other things on my mind, too, that all seem overwhelming, so please pray for me and my sanity!