decisions, regret, and God's sovereignty.

where do these things connect? where does grace intersect?

i usually am a very decisive person. multiple choice tests are usually pretty easy for me - either i know the answer or i don't. i choose an answer and i move on. i am generally a very capable person. i am independent, strong-willed, resourceful, and self-reliant. when i make decisions, i am able to follow through with them, sometimes by sheer will-power or force. once i commit to something, i'm in. i am there. i hate it when people commit something to me, then back out (as i'm sure i've mentioned before). i generally don't say i will do something, or go somewhere, if i am on the fence about it or don't know if it will work due to external circumstances. therefore, once i've made up my mind about something, i am completely invested in it.

this week has been one of the most trying weeks for me in regard to this decision-making process. i realize that once i internally decide something, i am quite emotionally invested in it. i made a choice to pursue an option, it didn't work out, and i'm crushed.

on the flip side, i realize now that several decisions i've made recently were the wrong choice, and i really regret those choices. if i ever play an ice-breaker game or something and the question is asked "what is your greatest regret?", i usually can't come up with one. i don't know what that says about me, but in general, regret is not an emotion i am accustomed to feeling. so when it hits me, it's like getting hit by a freight train. and that completely freaks me out.

due to the aforementioned emotional investment i have in making decisions, realizing i've made a bad decision is quite a roller-coaster of frustration, self-hatred, confusion, denial, anger, and self-pity. to realize i've made a series of bad decisions has been completely identity-shaking. not that one decision led to another, that's a different story. at least in that story there is a root issue to work out. in this one, i just don't know. at any rate, my self-confidence was shaken.

i am currently wondering if i can make a good decision at all. i wonder if i should make a decision, then do the opposite thing so that i know it will be a good decision. i wonder where my good judgement went, or what God is punishing me for. i feel like crawling under the table and not making any choices at all for 3 weeks. but letting things pass by is a choice in itself. so then i plead and beg with God to make the choices for me, knowing i don't have it in myself to make a good choice. i ask Him to make it clear to me, but i walk in a fog. and so i delay. i am wrapped in fear that i will make a wrong choice, a bad choice, and so i make no choice at all (which is effectively a bad choice). fear has paralyzed me twice now, debilitating me into making yet another bad decision. thankfully, thus far, the consequences of such decisions have been fairly minimal. because i'm beset by this fear, things that used to be hard are now nigh impossible.

i went to church on sunday at the salvation army. (i almost added "of norman" to the end of that statement out of an old habit.) i used to work for the salvation army (of norman) in their social services office while i was in college. but i never attended a church service. my friend aaron has some sort of ties with the salvation army, has attended this one previously, and invited me along with him to the sunday morning service. i pass it on my walk to my own church, so i'd seen it before and been curious, so i accepted his offer and we went. this isn't meant to be an evaluation of their church or service, and so i will continue with my point. the sermon was about ruth. i'm not sure if it was ever actually said, or just a thought that came to mind as a point was being made. i realized that ruth had to really go out on a limb, which was certainly not a familiar thing to her culturally, or something women did in that society, to win the favor of boaz. she stepped out in boldness, confidence. she didn't understand, but she took initiative, stepped out of her comfort zone, and did the thing that i would find hard even on my best day. and i know this is a fairly common lesson that we draw from Bible studies (be strong and courageous!), but it clicked with me on sunday.

i don't like to ask for things i don't deserve. i don't like to talk to strangers to set up a dentist appointment or change the name on the phone bill to my own. i don't like talking to someone in authority over me who seeminlgy has the power to bless me or curse me.

yet that's exactly the type of situation that ruth walked into. and God was faithful.

and i know, in KNOW that so many people are praying for me right now, in the decision that is facing me. other than mission trips, i think this is the most specific prayer i have ever asked for in my life thus far. yet nothing seems to be working out.

and so i ask, where does God's sovereignty play into this? and how much is my own effort i need to make? and how much am i responsible for myself? and how much is my fear simply holding me back, or is it God's way of keeping me in check so that i will KNOW that it is only Him that is moving on my behalf?

and how do i appropriate the grace for this situation?