i HATE those times when my anger wells up inside me physically. i try to calm down, but i feel my face getting hot, my fists clenching and my teeth gritting. the more i think and try to reason myself to cool down, the worse it gets. i really hate that.

i'm alive!

i'm in maine! woohoo!! i'm sitting in a rather expensive internet cafe, on my own laptop, mostly so i can use their power to charge my camera battery and cell phone, which has been completely dead for a while now. one problem is that up here, where coverage is limited, my phone spends a lot more "energy" than usual searching for a signal. so normally, fully charged, i get 2-3 days use out of it. now i'm lucky if i get 24 hrs, and that's if i don't use it but a few min!

so i started out wed going up the eastern shore. i stopped and drove around chincoteague, which was pretty cool. i stopped and saw the lighthouse and a frog and a butterfly posed for me to take their picture, too. then i drove on to queens to visit my aunt and uncle. i went to the YMCA with peter and he wore me out! we had a great thai dinner at a place down the block (and we passed about 5 other ethnic food places, too!) yum!

thurs i drove thru the adirondacks and a few small northern NY towns on my way to montreal. i arrived at leigh's beatiful home and she drove me around her hometown. oh so quaint! we even got ice cream and walked along the lake. then we met josh and drove into the city for mexican for dinner. they gave me the driving tour of the city!

fri i drove myself the wrong way to a car park and took the train into the city. i walked around old montreal for a while and the downtown area, too. then back to the car and back on the road. i drove to a campground in northern vermont, went for a dip in the stream and hit the hay early.

sat i got up early and headed for the ben & jerry's factory. oh yeah, factory tour and free samples!! good times. then i got on the road again and headed for mt washington, taking the back roads. i drove up the mtn and stood in the stiff, cold breeze and watched a thunderstorm grow off to the east. i got back in the car, stopped and bought a stove, stopped and bought the wrong kind of fuel, stopped and bought fruit and crossed into maine. on the radio i heard a severe thunderstorm warning for that storm i saw growing. :-P i finally made it to mt desert island on the maine coast just before dark, but realized i didn't know whwere the campground i was staying in was. i drove the wrong way before calling and getting directions. and i didn't call too soon! another 5 min and the office would have been closed! i found my site and set up in the dark. my phone died, i had the wrong fuel, water got in my stuff in the cooler that was in a ziplock bag, and i lost the anti-roller thing on my flashlight. it was a sad night. not to mention it was so humid i could see my breath. i've never been able to see my breath in such warm weather!! it was ridiculous! but, because of the humidity, i was able to see the lightning from a different storm to my north, even tho i couldn't see the storm itself behind some hills! that was sweet!

so now today, sunday, i drove the loop road around the park and went to the summit of cadillac mtn. then i drove around to otter point and checked out some tide pools, but no sea stars, unfortunately.

on the list for today and tomorrow:
kayak
bike
hike acadia mtn for sunrise
walk over to the island you can get to at low tide
eat some lobster
eat more icecream - at ben & bill's chocolate emporium
get different fuel for my stove? arg!

woohoo! i have to say, maine is pretty cool. it seems like every other car i pass has a kayak or canoe on top. or a bike on the back. i love these people! the motto is: "the way life should be" and on the lisence plates it says "vacationland". sure thing!! but the shore isn't close to tasmania, nor are the hills and trees like norway. but it's a heck of a lot closer than tasmania or norway!!

God has been gracious...

i feel like the Holy Spirit has been good to tell me stuff before it happens. not so much in a fortune-telling way, but in a "this is a possibility i must deal with emotionally" kind of way. i can think of 2 instances recently where it has been good to think things through the day before they became realities. it's good that i don't have to freak out in front of people that way. ;-) in college, i had a friend who would dream about things in much the same way.

i have a french test today. i am delaying studying for it by writing here. eek.

i went camping this weekend! finally! neal and i decided we were going to go and invited anyone who wanted to come along. we had 14!! only 9 stayed the night, and 4 of those were a surprise, but it was good fun. the hot dogs and s'mores were awesome, canoing was fun, and the weather couldn't have been better. yay!!

i'm leaving next week for new england/montreal! as it turns out, i'll be going by myself, so plans may change... i'm not sure if montreal really will be on my itinerary or not. i'm not sure if i can afford an almost 2-week trip on my own. but i'm so excited!!

yup, still avoiding french. ugh.

i realized the other day how much i really do enjoy my job. i thought business was going down and getting slower, but as it turns out, i'm getting better!! when we're busy, it doesn't seem like it, and it doesn't stress me out anymore. and it's more fun as i get to know my coworkers better, too. one of our regulars asked me if i'm always in a good mood, and i thought about it - i just like what i do. some days it stinks. and i get tired of opening, but it's all good in the. it turns out i'm working 38 hrs this week, so we'll see if i still say the same thing by saturday afternoon! (i usually work 25-30).

slight breakthru...

so i haven't been posting for a while. that's mostly because i didn't want people to know specifics of things going on, bc i'm sure i would have offended many. so i operated under the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" maxim for once. plus there were a couple things that i just don't want to tell the world at large.

ok, on to the breakthrough. i was at crosscurrent community group tonite, and i don't even remember what the whole point we were discussing was. actually, i think it was something like, how do we share Christ in a relevant way. part of the process was taking a look at what life was originally like before the fall, what the effects of sin were, and then what the gospel accomplished. the conclusion i came to based on what was discussed (which is by no means theologically complete) was that the gospel is basically all about restoring relationship with God, with each other, and with ourselves. and this gospel is both our reason and means by which we love people. we love people because of the gospel. we are able to love people because of the gospel.

ok, so one of the verses we mentioned in our discussion was matt 5:43-48. and one girl brought up the preceding verses and shared her perspective, so here is matt 5:38-48(NIV).

38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor[h] and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies[i] and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

ok, so the girl was saying that 38-42 are really about love. that in that culture and time, being slapped on the right cheek, being sued, and carrying a roman soldier's equipment for a mile were all insults. it wasn't just a dispute. but Jesus was saying that we should love people so much that even the greatest insults shouldn't hinder our love for them. they have so much worth that even when they do their worst to us, they are still worthy of our love, our time, our attention.

so in my life, it isn't so much others' insults to me, but simply my losing patience with them. there are many ways that people "push my buttons" and i lose patience with them. some of them are personality traits that annoy me, sometimes we have little in common and i get bored with what they are talking about, sometimes they behave differently than i think they should.

back to the topic at hand: how dare i get annoyed after listening to someone talk about their passion for 30 min simply because i have absolutely zero interest in what they're talking about. listening to them and looking for ways to learning from them and showing them i care about them by being interested in what they are interested in is the bottom line. that is how a majority of my generation in this culture feels loved and knows they are worth my time and attention. and the right to share any of the gospel message has to be earned. it usually doesn't work to go around and just hand out tracts. people are hungry for relationship. real, authentic relationship. the kind with unconditional love and acceptance. with honesty with gentleness. thru thick and thin. a selfless love. like the kind Jesus has for us. like the kind He proved he had for us by dying for us. "Jesus died for our sins" seems so cliche to me, but it has become slightly clearer to me how big His love really is. i'm not willing to give up 30 min of my time to listen to someone ramble on about video games. but He died. and an excruciatingly painful death at that. hmmm, that's even where we get that word: excruciating, crucifixion.

i've known for a while how utterly selfish i am, and have become in the past year and a half, but i didn't care. i counted it as my right, my wall to hide behind when giving up myself, my dreams seemed too painful. and that hasn't changed, but i have realized how wrong i am. and i don't think this will be an overnight change. and my heart has to change a LOT more. but at least i'm willing for it to change, and asking for it, not avoiding it, hiding in my selfishness.

i know it won't be easy to love on someone and listen to them and not be annoyed when they are who they are, or even if they are violently attacking me. but at least at the moment, i am able to see that they have worth and are worthy of my time.

if i actually start to live this out, i think it will be more than a "slight" breakthru. but for now, since this is all still fresh in my heart and hasn't been challenged yet, and i haven't had to give up anything yet, it's simply a possible turning point. but now that i've written it here, it's a little more real, and i'm sure i'll be held to it.


i've been thinking for the past few weeks, mostly in passing, about a book we read in boot camp entitled "have we no rights?" it's basically saying that we don't. i should go back and reread it and be challenged by it once again.

i've also been wrestling with the idea of "boundaries". i know they are desperately needed in some situations with some people, but it didn't seem altogether Biblical, either. especially in light of "have we no rights?" i've heard it said, and i think i agree that Jesus was taken advantage of. and if having boundaries is about protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of, then how is that Christ-like? i think this is my answer: it is only possible to love this crazy love of turning the other cheek if it is completely settled in my heart how much i am worth. if i am confident of God's love for me and my position in His kingdom, then nothing can shake that, and no one is really "taking advantage" of me. i am loving him by giving up my rights. i know that this is not completely a blanket statement for all situations, and it doesn't work all the time. saying "no" is sometimes the best way to love someone, by forcing them to become responsible for the situation when it was their responsibility to begin with. and by choosing to love, i am in control of the situation, not "allowing" myself to be manipulated, but rather "choosing" to be. i guess part of the difference is that Christ knew people's hearts. He not only was perfect, He had a complete understanding of every situation and person involved. He knew immediately how to best love someone and knew that sometimes meant being taken advantage of. i think. part of my thought process on this whole thing is knowing that i sometimes use "boundaries" as an excuse to be selfish. and i didn't know what to do about it, or what the truth really is/was in the whole situation.

any comments/thoughts?

shtuff.

i really hate being a girl sometimes. i sometimes feel i could do so much more of what i want to do if i were only a guy. don't worry, i won't be undergoing any sex change operations or anything. just my thoughts.

i am liking my french class now. i need to do more work for it, but the last class we had was good. i was feeling frustrated by the cultural aspects of it for a while, but, at least today, i'm ok with it.

i am thinking again about doing a triathlon. i don't know if i can pull it off or not, but at least now i have a bike to train on. i need to exercise regularly again, and unless i have a goal (and a deadline like a triathlon), i have a hard time motivating myself.

i also think i am going to take a road trip to new england in august. i am thinking stay in boston with friends a few nights, and go out to cape cod for the day one day, go up to acadia np and camp and hike and possibly kayak up there, then head inland to new hampshire or vermont maybe. i'd spend a couple days there, and possibly continue on to visit some people i met in morocco where they live in montreal. and practice my french. ;-) all in all, i think i will be gone at least a week, possibly 10 days.

some friends and i are looking for an apartment. i have no idea if it will actually work out (i have some different ideas about what i want, as well as price range and location), not to mention i don't really have the finances. i figured it out that i will have to work 30 hrs a week for 13 months to pay off my debt. ugh.

i chatted tonite with one of my coworkers when we left the store. that was the first time i've ever closed, and i get to do it again next saturday nite. it was a pretty crazy day... one of my coworkers never showed up, so we were short staffed for a good chunk of the day. i didn't really notice it, but usually we close at 930 and are out by 10, tonite it was 1040. then we talked for 20 min. it was good... i feel like i'm actually becoming friends with some of my coworkers. part of the slowness of that (i've been there over 2 months) is that they aren't my life... some of them only know people they work with, i have other friends outside of work.

at any rate, i think i am showing Jesus to them, at least sometimes. well, i thought about it for the first time tonite, that i think i am "succeeding" in that. i often complain as much as they do, and i don't talk about church much, and i'll get mad and cuss and get frustrated with customers as much as any. but i find that i'm kind, and quick to give grace and not get as impatient as i am sometimes tempted to. and i am occasionally generous. like tonite i gave away a lean pocket. i really don't mean to write this out to toot my own horn, but to encourage myself.

i really do want to be different and not conformed to the pattern of this world. i really do want to be Jesus to people, and love them unconditionally. but i suck at it, and i am at a point where i actually want to be different than those around me, both non-Christian and Christians. we, as Christians, often suck at our job. i don't want to hide behind the lower expectations of american Christianity. i don't want to be stuck in the "norm" of anything that is american cultural Christianity and not really in the Bible. and i know i'm raising plenty of eyebrows doing it. like sunday morning church. nowhere in the Bible does it say we have to go to a big building with lots of people we don't know and some we do and sit for 45 min, after singing songs for half an hour. and sometimes we sit in another class and get taught stuff by smart people for another 45 min. then we will go out to eat with friends or go home and read the paper. it's just become what is expected for american Christians to do. but i don't want to do it just because people might look at me funny if i don't. and i certainly don't want to go overseas and instill this silliness into other new believers just because it's what i grew up doing. don't get me wrong, there is often a huge benefit to doing things this way, and it certainly isn't unBiblical, i just don't think it is Biblical, either. some aspects of it are, but the sunday morning church experience as a whole isn't. just what i've been mulling for a while.

so... the luau last weekend was awesome. everyone who i talked to about it afterwards said they had a great time and enjoyed themselves. it's a pity i didn't enjoy myself more. i'm such a "quality time" person, i had a hard time playing the social butterfly/good hostess routine. i don't think i'll throw another "big" party like that for a long while.

um, i think that's it for now. ciao! er, au revoir!