slight epiphany

do you ever get a song stuck in your head, only you don't really know the song, so just a few bars of it play over and over and over again? just wondering.

so my slight epiphany. i'm not sure where this fits in the realm of the mystical but realistic, but it was a slight truth.

so i was at a church service last night, and it was really good. the preacher guy kept saying stuff about being excited for what God is going to do during the service, and prayed that people's expectations should be raised, and other general comments of the sort. i found myself being skeptical (as usual) and taking a standoffish attitude. as i thought about it for a sec, i realized that i am frustrated and confused about where faith should override "realistic" expectations, and how i deal with crushed hopes. like when i expect God to do something, but He doesn't. it's one of those silly balances, it seems, that i am attempting to stay away from so that i don't get hurt. cos really, for me, that's what it's all about. i've been "burned" by church in several ways, and i've most certainly been dissappointed by God. or at least by what i've been taught to believe about God that in pracitce, doesn't really seem to be reality.

and today, i got an email from a friend overseas who is a missionary, and he asked that we would pray for a team that is supposed to come this summer. they are supposed to get their visas one day, and their flight leaves the next, so if there are any delays they're basically screwed. so i started praying for them real quick (i've learned that if i get emails like that and don't pray right away, there's a 99% chance i never will), and i prayed stuff like, "God, i pray for the team that is supposed to go to country x this summer. or at least, that's what they think You want them to do. i pray that if it is Your will, they will get their visas on time, or even early, and there will be no hangups that keep them from going this summer. God, i pray that they put their hope in You, and trust You with their plans, so they aren't crushed if it gets delayed, yet again, and can't go."

and at that minute, i realized that the wording is part of my problem... i really do have to put my hope in God, and not in the circumstances or plans of my life. my hope, at church services like last nite, is in Jesus. i want more of Him, i want more of what He wants, whatever that may be. i guess my (biggest) problem comes when i think i have it all figured out, when i think i know what God wants. and sometimes i do, but most of the time, i don't have a clue. or i've got only a clue, and not the big picture. it's never wrong to put my hope in Christ, but it is wrong to put my hope in anything else. like what i think should happen during a church service. or what i think i should be doing with my life, or where i expect to live 6 months from now. my hope rests in Christ. my hopes will never be crushed if my hope is set in Him.

yes, it is ok and good to have expectations, as long as my hope is not set soley on those expectations. i can stand up faith and say that "i believe that God wants to do this" or "Lord willing, this will happen", but if it doesn't, my hope won't be shattered.

Lord, bring more hope to my heart. let my heart rest in You, let my vision rest on You.