i finally get it.

at least a piece of it.

we were never the friends i thought we were. which is why you could hurt me so easily. which is why you didn't even know you were hurting me so much. i came to you, told you my heart, and you were kind. but you didn't reciprocate. i thought you were trying, now i realize i was fooling myself. you hide from the world, but not a select few. and i'm not one of those few. i thought i was on the way to being one of them, but you never intended for me to be one of them.

and so we're back to pleasantries. and i long to tell you my heart, but i don't trust you with it anymore. and i can't not share myself with you, though i wish i could refrain. but i won't give you my heart. not anymore.

i finally get it.

things i can't say on facebook.

like this is any better.

dianne doesn't want to know.
dianne is extremely annoyed.
dianne wants to punch the couch.
dianne is sick of this.
dianne thinks life's not fair.
dianne wants to move out pronto.
dianne is lonely.
dianne wants to throw up.
dianne is waiting for the other shoe to drop. or is it fall?
dianne loses all sense of concentration.
dianne hates herself for trying, then hates herself for not trying.
dianne loves thing she should hate and hates those she should love.
dianne does not want to forgive.
dianne does not want to be here.
dianne thinks "just one more month. just one more month!"
dianne can't get her mind off it.
dianne wishes she didn't have to think about it.
dianne wishes she weren't aware.
dianne doesn't want to hear the phone ring.
dianne avoids it, but it still haunts her.
dianne wants other people to be miserable, too.
dianne still wants to throw up. ugh.
dianne is a sinner.
dianne is a sinner, saved by grace.

up and down and back again

as up and down as life seems to be these days, i want to celebrate the ups.

i just went thru the syllabus for "globalization and the poor" and downloaded all the articles that i need to read. it took a long time, but i glanced at the abstract for most of them as i downloaded them, and they make me so excited! i read the first paragraph of one, and it gave me shivers! i LOVE this stuff! if only i had enough time to read it all!

there was one book on the "recommended" list (so i didn't buy it) that is actually required reading, so i'm going to the bookstore to buy it. i remembered that there's another book that i should get for spirituality and mission. i didn't already buy it because it's a choice of 4 books, so we get to pick which one we want to read. i looked them up on amazon so i can make my choice by the time i get to the bookstore, and 2 of them look amazing!

one is i once was lost, the story of the transformation of the intervarsity group at UCLA(?) that went thru a huge transformation in evangelizing post-moderns.

the other one, which i think i will get, is the violence of love. here's one review: "Oscar Romero was converted by suffering: the suffering of a friend, of the people he served, and then finally his own suffering. There are many ways to be converted, but perhaps the best way is to live among the poor and to discover in them as Romero did, the presence of Christ. -- Samuel Ruiz Garcia, Bishop of San Cristobal, Chiapas Mexico" isn't that powerful? oh man, i can't wait to read it! actually, you can find it as a free pdf here.

the clouds are beautiful today. the mountains are similarly gorgeous. i am so thankful!

i have had the joy of friendship at key moments in the past few weeks. with the most perfect timing, someone has called, or come by, or i've run into them on campus. i can't explain it, but i am so grateful for those friendships and conversations.

"spirituality and mission" retreat

Friday, i went with my spirituality and mission retreat to the Immaculate Heart Retreat House in LA, near Griffith Park. we met at 9am, talked and prayed and were given instructions, then sent out to spend the next 4 hours alone with God. we were given freedom to do pretty much whatever God directed us to do. we met back at 2pm to debrief, then we went home. this is the reflection paper that i wrote for the retreat. if you haven't seen my pictures, you're welcome to do so on facebook at this public link.

The retreat Friday, January 23, 2009, was not quite what I expected. I had been dreading it all week. My life had been emotionally exhausting, and I was afraid to me left with my own obsessive thoughts for a whole day. I decided that if nothing else, I could do some reading for another class.

When I arrived at the retreat, I wanted to meet with God, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to meet with God. When Paul asked us to picture Jesus in our minds, I couldn’t conjure up an image at all. He just wasn’t there. This is clearly the distant/dead view, which I planned to pray about.

When I threw stuff in my bag to bring to the retreat, I instinctively threw my camera in, too. I don’t always take my camera wherever I go, but I was excited to take pictures, even though I didn’t know what to expect. I’m so glad I did! I really enjoyed walking around, exploring the grounds, and documenting our day. I really felt that somehow, this was worship, or something that brings glory to God in some way. I’ve always enjoyed photography, but I had never sensed a spiritual dimension to it before. This has been confirmed to me in many ways with my photos from the retreat, and I am so thankful for it!

As I first sat down to quiet myself and just “be with” to God, I was so delighted to find that my mind wasn’t going a million miles a minute. I was actually able to enjoy the moment, listen to and watch the rain, and be at rest. Several times over the past week, the U2 song “All I Want Is You” went through my head, so I listened to it. I felt like that’s what God was saying to me, in a way, that all He wants is me, and that He’s teaching me to say the same thing. That was a sweet realization.

I was able to journal for a while and write out some of the thoughts and questions that had been plaguing me all week. I was hoping for and expecting to get some answers from God, but that didn’t really happen. I tried the visio divina with the three paintings emailed to us, but I didn’t get anything from it. So I walked down the hill listening to my ipod and tried to find deep insights in the little things, but I realized I was just over-spiritualizing things. I ended up at the traffic circle area with the big mosaic star paved into it. I set my Bible and camera down and started dancing. I have no formal dance training and have never danced like that before, and it was nice. I didn’t “feel the pleasure of God” or anything, but it just felt right, and it seemed like a physical expression for things I couldn’t express in any other way.

After a few songs, I went back to my spot on the patio and journaled more about the latest events of my life, including my wrong view of Him, but still I didn’t get any “answers”. I know that in His goodness, God has His own timing, and I was able to trust that, at least for those few hours. I had peace and contentment during the day and was delighted that even though my life is still a mess, God is also still in control and He is good. And I didn’t read for any other classes, after all.

there is no one like You

there has never, ever, been anyone like You

You are King of the present, King of the past and future.
You are King when i understand, King when i don't understand.
You are King when life is complex, difficult, and incomprehensible.
You are King of my life when i try to sort out the past and plan for the future.
You are King when my emotions go crazy on me, when i'm completely irrational, and inconsolable.

You are King, Ruler of my heart, Lover of my soul.
there is no one like You.