"spirituality and mission" retreat

Friday, i went with my spirituality and mission retreat to the Immaculate Heart Retreat House in LA, near Griffith Park. we met at 9am, talked and prayed and were given instructions, then sent out to spend the next 4 hours alone with God. we were given freedom to do pretty much whatever God directed us to do. we met back at 2pm to debrief, then we went home. this is the reflection paper that i wrote for the retreat. if you haven't seen my pictures, you're welcome to do so on facebook at this public link.

The retreat Friday, January 23, 2009, was not quite what I expected. I had been dreading it all week. My life had been emotionally exhausting, and I was afraid to me left with my own obsessive thoughts for a whole day. I decided that if nothing else, I could do some reading for another class.

When I arrived at the retreat, I wanted to meet with God, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to meet with God. When Paul asked us to picture Jesus in our minds, I couldn’t conjure up an image at all. He just wasn’t there. This is clearly the distant/dead view, which I planned to pray about.

When I threw stuff in my bag to bring to the retreat, I instinctively threw my camera in, too. I don’t always take my camera wherever I go, but I was excited to take pictures, even though I didn’t know what to expect. I’m so glad I did! I really enjoyed walking around, exploring the grounds, and documenting our day. I really felt that somehow, this was worship, or something that brings glory to God in some way. I’ve always enjoyed photography, but I had never sensed a spiritual dimension to it before. This has been confirmed to me in many ways with my photos from the retreat, and I am so thankful for it!

As I first sat down to quiet myself and just “be with” to God, I was so delighted to find that my mind wasn’t going a million miles a minute. I was actually able to enjoy the moment, listen to and watch the rain, and be at rest. Several times over the past week, the U2 song “All I Want Is You” went through my head, so I listened to it. I felt like that’s what God was saying to me, in a way, that all He wants is me, and that He’s teaching me to say the same thing. That was a sweet realization.

I was able to journal for a while and write out some of the thoughts and questions that had been plaguing me all week. I was hoping for and expecting to get some answers from God, but that didn’t really happen. I tried the visio divina with the three paintings emailed to us, but I didn’t get anything from it. So I walked down the hill listening to my ipod and tried to find deep insights in the little things, but I realized I was just over-spiritualizing things. I ended up at the traffic circle area with the big mosaic star paved into it. I set my Bible and camera down and started dancing. I have no formal dance training and have never danced like that before, and it was nice. I didn’t “feel the pleasure of God” or anything, but it just felt right, and it seemed like a physical expression for things I couldn’t express in any other way.

After a few songs, I went back to my spot on the patio and journaled more about the latest events of my life, including my wrong view of Him, but still I didn’t get any “answers”. I know that in His goodness, God has His own timing, and I was able to trust that, at least for those few hours. I had peace and contentment during the day and was delighted that even though my life is still a mess, God is also still in control and He is good. And I didn’t read for any other classes, after all.