back in pasadena...

wow.
i haven't really been honestly blogging in a while. part of that is i don't know what to say. part of it is i don't want the whole world to know what i'm really thinking. i've had ridiculously conflicting thoughts and emotions the past 3 weeks. well, 2 months, really. i guess that comes with the territory: VA no longer is home, but CA isn't quite home yet. but it's on it's way in, so i think i can call pasadena home now.

but home in a transient sense. i won't be living in this apartment but for 2 more months. which is crazy to think about, and stressful to try to think about "where next?" i'm not worried about finding a place, but just the change in relationships that comes with a change in roommates and neighbors.

i had a great time in VA. it was kind of nice - i didn't have to worry about "fitting in" or being the kind of person someone would want in a friend, like i had to impress people into liking me. i was more focusing on the friendships i already had, which was freeing that i could talk to people and enjoy them as a person that i couldn't have done 6 months ago. ok, this sounds weirder and a bigger deal when i write it out than it actually is... but anyway.

flying across the country sucks. when i moved here, all things went well, but going back to the east coast and coming back to the west were harder than anticipated. stupid winter weather and broken planes. flying into and out of vegas is cool. lake mead and the hoover dam, a great view of the strip - the mirage, the venetian, mandalay bay, the eiffel tower, the luxor... all icons visible from the plane. we also flew over the grand canyon, which was awesome to see from above. it looks different from way up there. now i just need to get to the bottom. on the way out of CA, i also flew over joshua tree. it was cool to see from above, too, especially since it has snowed the night before. from above it's a lot easier to remember i really do live in a desert.

so classes start monday. i'm ready to start thinking and seeing my friends again after the break, but i'm not ready to dive into actually studying again. i bought some of my books online, some i'll go pick up at a bookstore today, and some i will need to buy at the school bookstore, which conveniently doesn't open until monday. i'll post later what my classes are... once i'm more in the academic mood.

i'm not used to such strong, opposing emotions. it's quite frustrating for me, really. i'm so glad to be back, but once i got back, i dropped my bags and was immediately lost and lonely. thankfully matt and lara rescued me from that, then a movie night at becca's with matt, lara, matthew, courtney, julie, and boram helped. ;-)

i've unpacked one bag, the easy one with all the clean clothes. i haven't opened my other bag. i need to run some errands today before i go to work at 4pm. i feel like i've wasted the whole day, but really, i've accomplished quite a lot and it's earlier than it feels. i guess part of that is jetlag. interesting. i can't wait for my other friends to get back...

i fell both immensely loved and incredibly alone. it's a strange burden, part of adjusting to a new life, i guess. i constantly have to keep my expectations in check. i want the whole world and know i should be content with much much less. it doesn't help that i'm an introverted verbal processor.

ummm, yeah. i think that's it for now. onward-ho!