i LOVE running in the rain!!

oh, so many thoughts i want to post... here's hoping i can remember them and convey them in a comprehensible way!

ok, first, a vent/make-fun session: my neighbor's Christmas display! it's hideous! they have white icicle lights that are strung along the front of the house. that's fine. problem: ONE 3ft section flashes on and off. ON TOP OF THAT, they have big colored bulbs all along the same stretch, all across the front of the house. pick one or the other, people! and of those big colored lights, about half, a random half, flash at their own convenience. none of the cute (nauseating) "chasing" lights, nothing like every other light flashing, just a few lights. then, in the bushes by the front door, they have a HUGE plastic sno-globe thing. oy! and, because the guy used to be in the coast guard, they have switched out their front door entry lights to red and green, keeping with "red, right, returning".... what a waterman! so, that's the scoop from my tacky neighbors. but that said, they do keep really good care of their lawn. embarrassing to us, the ones who can barely remember to mow the lawn every other week in summer. ;-)

ok, so i like running in the rain. i think i've mentioned that before, but it is so true! especially on new year's day, in 70 degrees. in the rain. so fun. thank You, God, that i can do that! not that the 70 degrees will stick around, but it's here now! ahhhhh...

before boot camp, i didn't like running at all. then during boot camp, i hated all the other stuff we had to do that running became an "escape". i mean that i loved it when we were running, cos it meant that we weren't doing a million situps or pushups or leg lifts. so i do like to run now. i don't do it often... that was the first time i've been running since before Christmas, i think. i have done some walking, too, but still... it's not a regular thing in my life. i should be better at that.

i also like running because it feels really empowering. or something. i like the challenge of keeping going (i often stop to walk anyway), but i like the fact that i can see endurance in action. and i KNOW i will see results if i make myself keep going. it's a very tangible way for me to practice endurance, esp when i know i need it many other areas of my life. i also like that i really feel good while running. i know i'm accomplishing something, and i know it's good for me, and if nothing else, it gets me out of the house. today, in particular, i felt like i could do anything. an awesome feeling, especially since, these days, i live in a rather depressed mood, where i feel like life will never change and my life is wasting away.

so while i was running, i was thinking about life, 1830, lots of things. and i came to some definitive ideas.

i don't want my life to waste away. i don't know where i am headed, or how long i will be here, but that doesn't mean i have an excuse to sit on my rear all day. it is much more comfortable to do so, but i shouldn't.

i have been thinking about 1830 and where it's going and how to get people to take ownership of it. i have been realizing that i haven't been taking initiative or really investing myself, and then i realized that it seems not many others have, either. is that ok? where is 1830 going? what is its purpose? do people really have to take ownership of it for it to fulfill its purpose? if it is going to grow into a "mega-ministry", or a leading young adult ministry in hampton roads, yes, a lot more people need to invest a lot more into it. we can't do anything like that with the level of leadership and commitment we have currently. and i am certainly not trying to blame the leadership team or guilt trip any of them, i am just as guilty. and i don't know everyone's hearts or intentions, but i do know that some people legitimately cannot commit any more time and energy to 1830, which is ok. or if they can, but choose not to, sometimes that is also the better choice. which also leads me to think: what are we really trying to do? is it ok to keep going with where we are? i think it may be, but it may not be. i know we need to trust God with this one, and follow Him wherever He leads. if He leads us to grow and expand (whatever that looks like, people, depth, relationships, meetings, a service... whatever), it will be His plan, and He will show us, if we are searching for Him. i just don't know.

i was also thinking about an older married couple i know. she admitted that she married her husband because she thought he would get rich. he didn't. but that's because they both became Christians and God had other plans for them, that didn't include as much personal ambition and greed. but i'm sure she would have not been able to foresee but a tiny fraction of what the rest of her life would look like as she was contemplating marrying her future husband. so even tho i am already a Christian and don't forsee any MAJOR direction/values/perspective changes that changing religions would bring, i know i am only 23 and i have the rest of my life ahead of me. and if that woman were a Christian when she married, she STILL would not have been able to see what the rest of her life would look like. i'm sure she has changed a LOT since she was 24 and contemplating marrying this guy, and i am sure he has changed a whole lot, too. not to mention life changes happen, and life just doesn't ever look like we think it will.

so the thought i kept coming to was that i HAVE to trust God with my future. i could meet a guy, get to know him over 5 years, think i know him pretty well and have what i think is a pretty good picture of what my life would be like if i married him, but really, i have NO CLUE. i can't tell the future, i have to trust God with all big decisions. and i'm not always a good judge of even what constitutes a "big decision". so even with that, i have to trust God. i have to trust that He CAN see the future, that He does have good things for me, and that He will not lead me astray. with decisions from who to marry (not an issue right now, don't worry) to what job do i get, or where do i live, all of these things will carry consequences and repercussions i can't even begin to imagine. so i have to trust God with them. i have to seek Him and His will, not trusting my own decision making skills, but Him.

so all of this has been sifting thru my head, and leads to some interesting answers to the question: what's next?

well, i don't know. but i know that i can't trust my own assumptions and ideas about what is good for me. as much as i really REALLY REALLY REALLY want the intrepid travel tour guide job, i have no idea if that really is best for me. everyone i talk to says i would be great at the job, and it certainly satisfies my adventurous side and my love for travel, but who knows? not me. so in the long run, i really do want what is best for me, not what i want momentarily. and as discussed above, i don't know what that is, but i can trust that God does and will show me. so i don't know about the intrepid job. and i really don't want to stay here in hampton roads, and i don't even really want to live in america at all, but if that is best, then so be it. and if i do have to stay in hampton roads, i really want a job that i will actually enjoy, instead of dread getting up every day. and i also really don't want to live at home anymore, either. but again... inshallah!

so i am realizing that i really need to pray a lot more for my life's direction and hearing God's voice more clearly. i want to trust Him more, especially with His timing. cos in the meantime, it really sucks and i get really impatient. but i need to surrender the whole intrepid thing (cos it's not really in my hands, anyway), and be open to things that i personally don't currently want. i need to be ok if i am supposed to still live at home and sub. as much as i dread that, if that is REALLY where God wants me, and He has my best in mind, i need to have a better attitude about it all.

on the other side of that, even if i am moving away (PLEASE, God!!), that doesn't give me an excuse to crap out on life right now. i can't keep sitting on my couch watching reruns of not funny comedies just cos i'm too lazy to do anything else. this is big for me to admit to, cos obviously this is the hardest thing for me currently. part of that is that i DO want to be an active part of the 1830 leadership, whatever direction it goes. i also have been shying away from the "3rd sunday service" discussion at kpc, thinking i won't be around for the consequences, so why bother? plus, i don't agree with a lot of kpc stuff, and i don't want to submit myself to things i don't agree with. but. i felt like the description that nate gave this past sunday was a little different from what i'd been hearing previously. not that it was said any different, but i think my heart was in a different place to receive the idea. so i think i will be going to the meeting this sunday that discusses the option. i don't like the way church looks right now, so it will be interesting to see how things are different with this service. and as much as i hate going to church on sunday morning, going sunday night probably can't be any worse. and i may be able to give input that makes it different. maybe.

so, i think those are my ramblings for this new year's day. thank God for grace and a change of heart that allows a change of perspective!