i am not superwoman*

i can't do everything. i want to. i try to. if it looks interesting, if it looks like a good cause, if it looks like fun, i want to do it. but i can't do everything.

i am constantly on the brink of being overwhelmed. and then i want to add something else to my already busy schedule. at some point, i have to say no. i have to either live with the regret, or be content with being faithful with what is in front of me already.

i can't even wrap my head around all the special events (one-time or parties or something) that are happening in october. i almost can't wait for november simply because i think that life will somehow slow down then.

ao in a way, it comes down to priorities. what do i really think is the most important thing in life right now? and why don't my choices line up with that?

and part of my choices has to be realistic, too. if i don't go to a party on a saturday night, i'm probably not going to be doing homework, anyway. or maybe i should discipline myself a bit more and actually DO homework on a saturday night!

i definitely want to take advantage of unusual circumstances. for instance, a friend of mine who doesn't own a car was loaned a car for the weekend, so she suggested we use it to drive someplace we can't normally easily reach and go hiking. i really really wanted to go, as i love exploring new places, i love hiking, i love my friend and i love hanging out with her. but i have had a busy week! new things popped up each day, and i barely had any "down" time, much less much study time. and i have to be at work in 1.5 hrs, and i haven't touched that school work yet, but i definitely had some down time, and i got a few things done that needed to be done that i wouldn't normally prioritize (but are definitely really important!).

i have a few things rumbling around in my head that i need to decide about:

1) i have a job interview monday, and i'm going back and forth on whether i really want the job or not.
* because it's a job with the school, i'd have to give up a few things to take the job, for ethical reasons, which may be the piece of sanity i need to maintain a busy schedule. (i can't represent the school as both an employee and an unbiased student.)
* the hours would also limit a possible service opportunity for my life group from church, which is just getting started. so that could either be a closed door for that service opportunity, or it could kill the group with one fell swoop. ok, maybe not that dramatic, but it's something to consider.
* it could be a great opportunity to put on a resume and would give me experience in something i think i'd be good at, but haven't really tried. or, simply because of the title of the job, it could be inadvertently disastrous for future opportunities.
* the pay would be comparable to starbucks, but a strict 20 hrs/week. at sbux, i can change my hours to work less some weeks and more other weeks, which is helpful. but also stressful when i need more hours but am scheduled for fewer hours. it's a tossup... i think sbux is a little more profitable in the end.
* i am trying to build a budget, but it's hard to keep track of since i am paid in cash (tips) once a week, and i'm not good at keeping track of where that money goes. i basically use it to buy groceries and go out to eat with friends. it's not like that money just disappears into superfluous places, i just can't merge what i actually do with it into the website (mint.com) that i'm using to keep track of the rest of my finances, which is a bummer. SO, if i take the new job, i wouldn't have to worry about that, since i'd just get a "real" paycheck and no tips to worry about.
* starting a new job is hard. it's learning a new system, new people, etc. at sbux, i already know how everything works, even if i don't like how it all works.
* i suck at interviews. i really really do. i haven't had a successful (first) interview since i worked at the salvation army in college, which puts that interview in sept '03. and that interview was more a "are you sure you want to work here? we'd understand if you change your mind."
* a few other smaller considerations....

it kind of sounds like i should go to the interview just for the practice, then withdraw myself from the pool of candidates. or maybe i'll realize at the interview that i would LOVE this position. i'll let you know how it goes.

2) i have another huge topic rumbling around in my head that i can't publish in any kind of documented way. if you're curious, please talk to me, and i'd love to get your opinion on the matter. taking a few steps on this issue is a good chunk of how i spent my morning. it feels good to be moving on it!

3) i am SO stinking excited for Christmas. i really am. it's weird, i know. i am SO excited to be with my family in san fran!!! i am SO excited to show my parents around my adopted home/town. moreover, i am excited to have finished all my classes by then! it's a little sad to be glad to have classes over before they've even really begun, but considering i have 2 incompletes hanging over my head from summer, by dec 11, all will be finished! it will be the first time since the end of june that there won't be any "i should be working on that paper"-type thoughts guilting me in the back of my mind. yeah, can't wait.

4) i'm still trying to figure out a way to get back to VA for that week or two between when i'm done with classes and when i'm meeting my fam in san fran. i'm checking plane tickets with some frequency, but in reality, i don't have the money to pay for said plane tickets, nor do i have enough financial flexibility to skip those 2 weeks of pay that i'd be gone.

5) i had the joy of speaking to some old friends this week. when i think about it, they still make me happy. ;-) but i've also come to the realization that michael w. smith may have had it wrong. friends are not friends forever. i probably listened to him when i was a kid tell me that lie, and now i have unrealistic expectations of friendship. i just realized that i contacted several old friends this summer that i never heard back from. and now, i don't ever expect to speak to them or hear from them again. which is a little sad, but a little bittersweet. it releases me from being disappointed about expectations that will never be met. on the other hand, i have several phone dates that i owe people that i DO intend to keep in touch with.

so if you read this, please be praying for all this stuff. sheesh, i exhaust myself!

* this line, i believe i stole from this week's episode of glee.