no job in morocco....

after 3 questions, my 2 interviewers ascertained that i don't have enough independent travel experience to justify giving me a job, so they ended the interview early. they did encourage me to "get out there" and travel a lot more on my own, not in groups or with friends, and then re-apply.

so now excuse me while i cry, and pray that my broken heart and dead dreams won't kill me.

now i'm really not sure, at all, what i should even consider for plans for the future, or what dreams to have.

tonight was my first french class. but now that i clearly don't have any hope of returning to morocco, or really, any french-speaking, or even foreign country, i don't know if it is worth the $500 i paid. my only goal now is to get out of debt so that i can save enough money to travel again.

my mom just pointed out that we prayed that God's will would be done, so this is clearly not His will, but that is no consolation at this point.

but thanks anyways.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TO BE A TOUR GUIDE IN MOROCCO!!!!!!!!!!! it will be one day next week, via phone (the head office is in melbourne, australia). PRAY FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, i am so excited! they are currently hiring for leaders in morocco, with training to start in late july in egypt. if i get hired. i don't know if this is a preliminary interview or what, but I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

storm.

there's a beautiful storm north of here. if i weren't so afraid of my own thoughts, i would sit outside and watch it. (or if i had a roommate instead of living with parents.)





my whole life, i've lived withing other people's definitions. i know my actions will always be defined and put in boxes that will somehow describe who i am. but i am tired of deciding what to do based on what boxes it will look like i fit into. some friends have been talking about the freedom they have found in the verse "if i were still trying to please men, i would not be pleasing God" (dianne's paraphrase). i think i want to step out of more boxes. i don't fit into many of them, anyway, except all the "other" boxes.

i have a degree in a subject i am passionate about and is fairly unique, but i'm not passionate about it enough to pursue a career in it.

i love Jesus. but i don't love the american church, or the evangelical right, or my culture's definitions of Christianity, religion, or spirituality. or really, my church's definition of Christianity.

i am a terrible know-it-all with no "ambition" and not much "direction". i'm almost 24 and i've never kissed anyone. i love my cat and am a product of my generation in ways i'm discovering every day.

and that's just the start.

friends and fluid dynamics

so i'm pretty moody sometimes. especially lately. i get so worked up over the seemingly simplest things, and i am so terrible at communicating myself to those around me, those i love the most. i get really frustrated with myself and i wonder how people around me put up with me at all. i mean, really, in the grand scheme of thing, my issues are pretty minimal. but they seem so huge to me, and i am so good at overreacting, that i do go overboard and then it seems an even bigger issue, then i get mad at myself.... and the cycle continues. i then want to blame everything and everyone but myself, and i turn into this bitchy, pissy, vocal woman.

now i have this friend. i have been hanging out with her a lot in recent times, and something happened. i don't know what changed, but all of her weaknesses and insecurities came out at once, and she seemed like an entirely different person. all of her negative characteristics (that are usually kept in check by the positive ones) have been the dominant features of her personality lately. and really, i have no idea what changed, or if i have offended her and am partially responsible, or anything.

but you know what? the main emotion i feel toward her right now is not anger, or frustration, or impatience, or hate, or even disappointment. what i feel the most is compassion. (if you know me, you know my strength is NOT compassion.) i want to help her, i want to be there for her, i don't want to do anything more that might upset her (regardless of whether or not my action that irritates her is "a sin issue" or not, which is what i usually try to hide behind when someone irritates me, and therefore not communicate what is wrong or confront the person). i want to show her i love her. i want to support her, encourage her, be gentle with her and show her the truth in love. yes, my patience will probably wear thin (ask me in a few days how i feel), but for now, this is how i feel.

so now i'm thinking wow, is this how people feel about me when i'm being bitchy? do they want to just love and support me and walk me thru it? do they have more patience and kindness for me than i want to give myself? wow. i have pretty amazing friends.

let me go a step further. is this how God feels about me? that yes, he sighs at my sin and gives me grace to help me walk out of it, but overall, He just loves me. wow.


ok, new topic. i once knew a guy whose degree was in linguistics, but he didn't use it. when in a job interview for a GIS (geographic information systems) job, he was asked about his degree. he said he described it as a problem solving degree. i don't remember how he described it in more detail, but he said that he learned how to solve problems logically while earning his degree, and that is a skill that can be used elsewhere, including in GIS. he got the job.

so then recently, i was thinking about my degree in meteorology, that i don't (at this point) ever intend to use. i realized that one life lesson i've picked up is that things are never as simple as they seem. as much as my logical left brain would hate to admit it, rarely is one thing solely the cause for another.

in meteorology, we have all of these rules and equations and relationships that always come with an asterisk. they all work in perfect conditions, or when these 3 parameters have these 3 values (which is about a 1% chance in real life), or when we neglect friction, or air movement, or daytime heating, or evaporation. there is always a catch. i realize that these are all things that are used to simplify problems and equations to make them easier to understand for undergraduates, and that a lot of these things are taken into account and understood more clearly by phd's and such. but there is always something that we can't account for. there is always some parcel of air, somewhere, that is not what we think it is and messes the whole thing up. that is why tv meteorologists are "always wrong". it is impossible to know everything that is happening everywhere (remember we're not just talking at the surface, say in des moines and el paso, but also UP, like at 1000ft and 16000ft.) it is therefore impossible to quantitatively say exactly what will happen everywhere at a given time. sometimes we do get it spot on, and usually we are pretty close, but sometimes we are completely off. and we weren't trying to screw with your weekend plans, but that's just the name of the game. there are so many feedback mechanisms and relationships that we try to define in simple terms, and sometimes we succeed, but hardly anything has a specific, concrete correlation that will be exactly right every time.

ok, so how it relates to my life now: i will never know the complete history or personality of everyone i come into contact with. i will get to know the pasts of my close friends, and learn their strengths, weaknesses, woundings, failures, successes and dreams. but i will never have a complete understanding of their whole being. i can know in general terms that someone's dad walked out when they were 8, and so there is a decent chance they might deal with abandonment issues. or i can know that so-and-so really wants to be an astronaut, so he will go to school and join clubs and take internships and do anything and everything he can to reach that goal. these things help me know that i should especially be careful to try to make every appointment and call to explain my absence with one person, and that i shouldn't expect another to choose the aquarium over the air and space museum.

but when a friend seemingly over-reacts, or somehow responds to something in a way that seems inappropriate or out of the ordinary, i have to remember there are a multitude of possible causes. i may think i know which issue elicited this response, but i can't be sure. i need to have grace, patience, and love for these people, and be understanding of unknown-to-me circumstances.

so the really rude, impatient customer at work might be having a really, really bad day. or they might actually have a mild form of asberger's syndrome in which any deviation from the routine is monumental. so putting on a flat lid instead of a dome lid might actually be a really big deal for someone.

i don't always even know why i react the way i do. i don't know when too much is too much, or why i react so strongly in some situations, or am so passive in others. i don't know when to hold out for reconciliation, or when to just close the door and move on. i don't know how to do that, really. i don't know when to pursue some things, or how to relate to some people.

life is full of mysteries. and i can understand their complexities by knowing that the atmosphere acts as a fluid, and i certainly will never be able to learn enough fluid dynamics.

patience and kids

so i find myself with less and less patience these days. part of that is temporary, i know. but part of it is also in finding out who i am.

since i got back from europe, i have been discovering who i am and who i'm not. i have considered a multitude of ministries and opportunities and careers over the years, and so far, none of them has stuck that well. one thing does keep coming up: having a family. i do want to be a mom, and i think i'd like several kids... like 5? who knows. my opinion on the matter has changed considerably over the years, and i don't expect it to stay the same for much longer, anyway. i am certain it will change again by the time i do marry and have to start making decisions about family.

at any rate, i was just thinking about which age i would enjoy the most with my kids, and really, i think (as of now) that i will enjoy them more as they are older... as in late high school, college, early adulthood. that sort of age. kind of like the age i am able to relate to best now, and have more of a "heart" for currently. i have realized in the past few months that i don't have the patience for the little kids. i enjoy babysitting sometimes, and when i do i prefer the 3-4 year-olds, but i am quite happy to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. i can safely say that i am blessed with a lack of patience with kids so that i KNOW i'm not supposed to work with kids. at least not right now.

which leads me to subbing... i do like high school kids (except freshmen) because they can take responsibility for themselves. they can make their own choices and take care of themselves. yes, they are not grown up yet, and need guidance, correction, and a support base, but it's fun to see them become their own people, and find out who they are.

actually, that is what i have a heart for in general. i liked being a "shepherd" of sorts in my college house church. i loved loving on people, listening to them, pouring into them whatever i could offer, praying for them, being their friend, and watching them blossom into the people God created for them to be. that is kind of what i want in 1830, that is what i want at kpc. that is what i am lacking myself. with all the talk recently about mentoring relationships at kpc, i personally am not experiencing it, and i don't think they are doing as good of a job at it as they say or think they are.

at any rate, i don't have patience for kids, but i still want my own, someday. the end.