hypocrisy

i am quite a good hypocrite when i want to be, when it's convenient for me. and that's even the nature of my hypocrisy.

i see that my generation is very consumeristic and me-centered. we generally are just looking out for number 1. whatever is convenient for me, meets my needs, sounds fun to me, that's what i'll do. don't ask me to give of myself, don't ask me to commit and stick it out when it's hard and ugly. don't ask me to show up when i don't feel like it.

i don't "receive well" from the leadership at that church, so i'll show up on occasion to hang out with my friends that attend there, but don't ask me to get involved, or even commit to showing up every week. i'll go when it's convenient for me.

i don't like some of the people that are involved at that ministry, so i'll show up and only talk to my friends that i already have. don't expect me to go out of my way to love people by just having a friendly conversation.

i don't think that activity is very fun, so even tho this ministry that i'm involved in is planning that activity as part of the fellowship of that ministry, i won't go. fellowship when it isn't fun is not worth it to me.

i'll show up at this Bible study because i like the theological discussions, but i don't want to open up about what is really going on inside my heart. don't expect me to be vulnerable and open, that's not what i do.

i feel like sleeping in today, so i won't go to church. i feel like watching tv tonight, so i won't go to Bible study. i would rather play on facebook than go serve dinner at the homeless shelter when it's my church's night (just once this month) to serve.


Matthew 16:24 (ESV)
Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."


Jesus, forgive me.

craziness in initiation....

definitely some thoughts to ponder... :-P :-D

finding organic church by frank viola (a pdf, 15p)

at church, the last sunday of the year, we had a time for people to speak about the past year, what God had done and what they learned and were thankful for. one guy got up and spoke about how he had learned so much, but couldn't describe it, or quantify it, or explain it. he just knew that the past year had held a lot of lessons that had changed him and were changing him, and he was excited about it, even if he couldn't verbalize it. i definitely agreed with him, but wasn't so excited about it.

now i think i see a glimpse of something that will put the past 2 years in perspective. well, the lessons of the last 6 years, really. and i'm quite excited about it. ;-)

All Your ways and all Your thunder
Got me in a haste runnin for cover
Where we gonna go from here?
Where we gonna go from here?

frustrated

the state of being of my life. it seems like it's never going away.

related definitions:
a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.
the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals
a feeling of annoyance at being hindered or criticized
The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force.
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

one sunday night at house church in college, probably my sophomore year, the "ice breaker" was "what sound best describes you?" i couldn't think of one, which i said when it was my turn. my friend immediately said "i know yours! it's that guttural throaty sound you make when you're frustrated!"

she was completely right. unfortunately, she still is.

i am frequently annoyed and dissatisfied when my goals, expectations, and desires aren't met. sometimes it's small and silly and i should just get over it. sometimes it drives me to other action. sometimes i just grow hopeless.

hope deferred makes the heart sick.

it's not in me...

i have this friend who comes into the bux. i think he's in pharmaceutical sales. if he's not, he should be. he has one of those personalities that is always friendly, engaging, and encouraging. he's also a bit flirtatious with the ladies. ;-) at any rate, he could probably get anyone to do anything, and i'm sure he's a terrific salesman.

i do NOT have one of those personalities. i've lost count of the things i've wanted people to do and they do the opposite. there have been so many events i've tried to plan and organize that never make it out of the planning stage. i just don't have the magnetic, convincing personality that it takes to convince people they want to do something or join something.

it's just not in me to get people to do something. so if it happens, it has to be God. period.

the end of an era

today i changed my homepage.

no longer will i be greeted by the storm prediction center when i open my browser of choice. the updated "overview" graphic with a national radar loop and convective outlook graphics are great, but alas, i will now need to exert some effort to check the latest storm reports.

igoogle has taken its place. the add-ons are fun, informative, entertaining, and extensive. i can check the weather, news, email, and national geographic photo of the day all on one page. i can play sudoku, learn new spanish words, and see the latest espn college football headlines with a scroll down the screen. all customizable for what i want to see.

truly, i have entered a new era. sorry, SPC.