Monday, February 23, 2009
urban retreat day.
It seemed like a normal day. Only this was a day that I could go out and have fun and not feel guilty because it actually counted for schoolwork. My urban exploration day wasn’t a new experience for me, it didn’t revolutionize the way I experience the city or the way I look for and experience God. It was a normal day of traveling alone.
On my way to the metro station, I walked by part of the municipal areas of Pasadena I hadn’t seen before. I saw a tent set up in an enclosed area with picnic tables, like an enclosed park. On my side of the fence, I saw a pair of boots on the sidewalk, set out like my neighbor sets out his shoes by his front door. I wondered if the boots and tent were connected.
While on the gold line to Union station, I read Matthew 15:21-28, the story of the Canaanite woman. (What are the crumbs? Who is asking for crumbs?) The chorus of Brandon Heath’s “Give Me Your Eyes” kept running through my mind. (There sure are a lot of bright, beautiful colors in all that graffiti.) Naps, scowls and books all around.
As I walked around Union station, I felt like I was in Europe, but the crowds looked different, with more luggage. (What does bringing God’s Kingdom look like here?) I decided that Los Angeles itself is the gateway to America. (Or is LA the gateway to the world?) A woman with a bun perfectly on top of her head.
I left the station, praying as I walked, and realized I was following someone to downtown. I found myself on Broadway, going south. (Do the trees in that courtyard know they’re not in a forest?) I spotted what looked like an Arab, a Mexican, and a Korean all huddled under an umbrella.
I followed the signs to the Central Market, wondering what kind of wares would be found there. As I ducked inside out of the rain, I found myself in another country. I had been here before, I knew it, but I couldn’t quite remember where. (Mexico? Morocco? Italy?) I simultaneously felt at home and like a foreigner in my own country. While eating my terrifically delicious tacos, I noticed that most people around me were by themselves, too. (Where are they from? What is their story?) A man in a blazer and bellbottoms. An African-American woman with white hair and striking green-blue eyes.
I then followed the signs to the Central Library and immediately fell in love with it. This was my sanctuary in the city – the foreign languages section – a refuge from communication, to communication. A man snoring behind me, on top of his pile of books.
All day I noticed the small, mundane, humorous things, just like I usually would. I enjoyed the artwork all around, the tiles, mosaics and murals. (Am I a tourist or am I engaging? How do I engage in this world?)
If Jesus is the answer, what is the question?
On my way to the metro station, I walked by part of the municipal areas of Pasadena I hadn’t seen before. I saw a tent set up in an enclosed area with picnic tables, like an enclosed park. On my side of the fence, I saw a pair of boots on the sidewalk, set out like my neighbor sets out his shoes by his front door. I wondered if the boots and tent were connected.
While on the gold line to Union station, I read Matthew 15:21-28, the story of the Canaanite woman. (What are the crumbs? Who is asking for crumbs?) The chorus of Brandon Heath’s “Give Me Your Eyes” kept running through my mind. (There sure are a lot of bright, beautiful colors in all that graffiti.) Naps, scowls and books all around.
As I walked around Union station, I felt like I was in Europe, but the crowds looked different, with more luggage. (What does bringing God’s Kingdom look like here?) I decided that Los Angeles itself is the gateway to America. (Or is LA the gateway to the world?) A woman with a bun perfectly on top of her head.
I left the station, praying as I walked, and realized I was following someone to downtown. I found myself on Broadway, going south. (Do the trees in that courtyard know they’re not in a forest?) I spotted what looked like an Arab, a Mexican, and a Korean all huddled under an umbrella.
I followed the signs to the Central Market, wondering what kind of wares would be found there. As I ducked inside out of the rain, I found myself in another country. I had been here before, I knew it, but I couldn’t quite remember where. (Mexico? Morocco? Italy?) I simultaneously felt at home and like a foreigner in my own country. While eating my terrifically delicious tacos, I noticed that most people around me were by themselves, too. (Where are they from? What is their story?) A man in a blazer and bellbottoms. An African-American woman with white hair and striking green-blue eyes.
I then followed the signs to the Central Library and immediately fell in love with it. This was my sanctuary in the city – the foreign languages section – a refuge from communication, to communication. A man snoring behind me, on top of his pile of books.
All day I noticed the small, mundane, humorous things, just like I usually would. I enjoyed the artwork all around, the tiles, mosaics and murals. (Am I a tourist or am I engaging? How do I engage in this world?)
If Jesus is the answer, what is the question?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
stories
i shared my story yesterday. and it was a story i don't share often, or perhaps the reality is i've never shared it that way before. i connected things and thought about my story in a new way.
i usually say something along the lines of "the 3 years i was living at home in VA were hard." i might add that the first 5 months were especially so. but i don't usually go into how depressed or suicidal i was. and it's a scary thing to admit, especially to myself.
but praise be to the God of hope, who gives good gifts (and trips) to His children! He alone is the one who rescued me from the pit of despair, who sets my feet on a firm foundation - His love and grace. He is my life, my love, my hope, my praise.
Oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!
i usually say something along the lines of "the 3 years i was living at home in VA were hard." i might add that the first 5 months were especially so. but i don't usually go into how depressed or suicidal i was. and it's a scary thing to admit, especially to myself.
but praise be to the God of hope, who gives good gifts (and trips) to His children! He alone is the one who rescued me from the pit of despair, who sets my feet on a firm foundation - His love and grace. He is my life, my love, my hope, my praise.
Oh praise the One who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
tired. go figure.
i think, in some ways, life has caught up to me.
i have been so thankful to have the prudence of a steady pace of life. even when i am overwhelmed, i've had the sense of mind to slow down and chill out some. but i guess i haven't always been resting in that time, and i'm feeling it now.
tonite at work, my brain just wasn't on. and i didn't have much motivation to turn it on, and i did ok, but not great.
i had an up-and-down day. i got a package from my girls - yay!! i'm so excited and so thankful! it made my day! lots of cool things, fun things, and some practical things. ;-) and cards from all of them, and a cd, too! yay!
but then reality set in. i'm still bitter and jealous and think that i should be the one who gets to do some things other people get to do. and i'm tired of fighting the fight to not be jealous, to be excited for my friends who get to do cool things. and i know it's not always easy for them, so i want to be there to help and support them, but when i'm jealous, all i want to do is stay away and not be reminded that i'm not the one who gets to do it. so in some ways, i'm able to know my limits and let others step in to help. and in some ways, i've just got to get over it! oh Lord, help me!
i'm officially allergic to kay spirit sanitizer, the stuff we use at work. when i use it, i get a rash on my hands. now i officially know not to use it, or to wear gloves when i do. not a big deal, but now i know.
i officially signed my lease and turned in my 30-day notice today. i'm moving! it's official!!! i'll send out my new address in a bit.
i LOVE that i am here, that i can constantly verbally process. i'm SO thankful that i have people around me who will listen, give me feedback, and direct my thoughts in new directions. i have learned SO much just in the last few months!! and not just concepts and fact, but skills and wisdom, too. it's a beautiful thing. study groups are good for me, they force me to engage the material, but also use my critical thinking skills to distill out the important info.
but sometimes i HATE being a verbal processor. at least when i don't have anyone to process to. or when i use the wrong people to process to, and it's not good. that really sucks sometimes. it's like i'm walking around naked all the time.
like the "25 things" thing on facebook. i'd love to post 25 things, but really, the only things i can come up with are either not new to anyone (bc i'm such an open book), or they're completely inappropriate for general audiences. there's no in between with me, it's all or nothing.
it all makes for interesting internal dialogues.
but hopefully my mind will quiet enough to let me get some sleep tonite.
i have been so thankful to have the prudence of a steady pace of life. even when i am overwhelmed, i've had the sense of mind to slow down and chill out some. but i guess i haven't always been resting in that time, and i'm feeling it now.
tonite at work, my brain just wasn't on. and i didn't have much motivation to turn it on, and i did ok, but not great.
i had an up-and-down day. i got a package from my girls - yay!! i'm so excited and so thankful! it made my day! lots of cool things, fun things, and some practical things. ;-) and cards from all of them, and a cd, too! yay!
but then reality set in. i'm still bitter and jealous and think that i should be the one who gets to do some things other people get to do. and i'm tired of fighting the fight to not be jealous, to be excited for my friends who get to do cool things. and i know it's not always easy for them, so i want to be there to help and support them, but when i'm jealous, all i want to do is stay away and not be reminded that i'm not the one who gets to do it. so in some ways, i'm able to know my limits and let others step in to help. and in some ways, i've just got to get over it! oh Lord, help me!
i'm officially allergic to kay spirit sanitizer, the stuff we use at work. when i use it, i get a rash on my hands. now i officially know not to use it, or to wear gloves when i do. not a big deal, but now i know.
i officially signed my lease and turned in my 30-day notice today. i'm moving! it's official!!! i'll send out my new address in a bit.
i LOVE that i am here, that i can constantly verbally process. i'm SO thankful that i have people around me who will listen, give me feedback, and direct my thoughts in new directions. i have learned SO much just in the last few months!! and not just concepts and fact, but skills and wisdom, too. it's a beautiful thing. study groups are good for me, they force me to engage the material, but also use my critical thinking skills to distill out the important info.
but sometimes i HATE being a verbal processor. at least when i don't have anyone to process to. or when i use the wrong people to process to, and it's not good. that really sucks sometimes. it's like i'm walking around naked all the time.
like the "25 things" thing on facebook. i'd love to post 25 things, but really, the only things i can come up with are either not new to anyone (bc i'm such an open book), or they're completely inappropriate for general audiences. there's no in between with me, it's all or nothing.
it all makes for interesting internal dialogues.
but hopefully my mind will quiet enough to let me get some sleep tonite.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
grace, hope, and faith
i just don't know how people do it. i don't know how they live without the faith that i do, the trust i have in my God that He is good, and that He is working good in all things. i don't know what i would do without this knowledge.
in the midst of all that i'm working through, praying through, and dealing with, i have full, complete, sure faith in the process, or at least the One who is in control of the process. i can't explain it, but i have this deep hope that wells up within me, when i let it. being strong willed, i can push it aside, but i'm learning to depend on this hope and faith more than the feeling of power or control i get when i just dwell on the misery of my feelings and circumstances. i'm learning that i do have this choice, that i can choose to believe the confidence i have in things being good, or i can argue with it and be more lonely, miserable, and hopeless. as strange as it is to admit, i sometimes like to play the victim, to play the hopeless one. but i know that taking responsibility for the way i feel is part of the maturing process. it is good. it is good.
so i am learning that there really is grace available to me. grace for myself, that i don't have to be perfect today, nor do i have to have it all figured out, nor do i have to know what the end result of all this will be. i have the most amazing grace. the real grace, that teaches me godliness and brings salvation (see titus 2).
i know this season is about brokenness. the hurts are deep, the humility complete, my strength is gone. but when i reach the end of myself, He is still there. and the same moment i knew that brokenness is the lesson for this season, i knew that the purpose of it is to break up fallow ground, that a new thing can grow - the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. and i know that 2 years from now, the lessons learned now will be priceless.
i wish i could speed along this process, but i know that i need time. and i also have complete confidence in God's perfect timing, which is a new thing for me. i usually think He's wrong. ;-) and so i'm thankful that His goodness is worthy of my trusting Him. and i'm thankful to have the grace to be able to trust Him.
and i'm thankfult that i have eyes to see His providence. i'm thankful for the Holy Spirit He's put in me to speak truth in my inward parts. i'm thankful for the people He's put around me to speak into my life, to remind me of His perfect character, whether they are explicitly telling me in regards to my circumstances, or just proclaiming His goodness in their own lives. (see Ps 40:9-10)
...yet You have brought me to a place of abundance.
in the midst of all that i'm working through, praying through, and dealing with, i have full, complete, sure faith in the process, or at least the One who is in control of the process. i can't explain it, but i have this deep hope that wells up within me, when i let it. being strong willed, i can push it aside, but i'm learning to depend on this hope and faith more than the feeling of power or control i get when i just dwell on the misery of my feelings and circumstances. i'm learning that i do have this choice, that i can choose to believe the confidence i have in things being good, or i can argue with it and be more lonely, miserable, and hopeless. as strange as it is to admit, i sometimes like to play the victim, to play the hopeless one. but i know that taking responsibility for the way i feel is part of the maturing process. it is good. it is good.
so i am learning that there really is grace available to me. grace for myself, that i don't have to be perfect today, nor do i have to have it all figured out, nor do i have to know what the end result of all this will be. i have the most amazing grace. the real grace, that teaches me godliness and brings salvation (see titus 2).
i know this season is about brokenness. the hurts are deep, the humility complete, my strength is gone. but when i reach the end of myself, He is still there. and the same moment i knew that brokenness is the lesson for this season, i knew that the purpose of it is to break up fallow ground, that a new thing can grow - the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. and i know that 2 years from now, the lessons learned now will be priceless.
i wish i could speed along this process, but i know that i need time. and i also have complete confidence in God's perfect timing, which is a new thing for me. i usually think He's wrong. ;-) and so i'm thankful that His goodness is worthy of my trusting Him. and i'm thankful to have the grace to be able to trust Him.
and i'm thankfult that i have eyes to see His providence. i'm thankful for the Holy Spirit He's put in me to speak truth in my inward parts. i'm thankful for the people He's put around me to speak into my life, to remind me of His perfect character, whether they are explicitly telling me in regards to my circumstances, or just proclaiming His goodness in their own lives. (see Ps 40:9-10)
...yet You have brought me to a place of abundance.
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