*contented sigh*
wow. today was great. thanks for good times, mary, laura and neal. i enjoyed our day playing in the surf, sand and sun. my spf 45 sunblock didn't seem to do the trick, and even tho i tried to avoid the lobster look, it still attacked me with a vengeance. darn.
but it was fun hanging out with the crew and chatting. it really was the perfect beach day. perhaps i'd like it slightly warmer, but there will be plenty more opportunities this summer!
so, i hope i'll see abbey tonite. if i don't, i won't see her again for at least 8 more months. bummer!
my birthday was great, minus suzanne's adventures. thanks to all who came out to hike and enjoy some icecream. and thanks to all who chipped in on the gift card for a bike. i can't wait to go look at them and see if i can find one i like! thanks to all who called or sent cards or gave me other gifts. your generosity astounded me.
1830 last nite was the best i've had in a while. a long while. having it at the church for now on isn't my idea of an ideal situation, but man, brian is right. it opens the door to awesome opportunities we may not have noticed or taken advantage of in other circumstances. we'll definitely miss scott and michele and their welcoming house, but it'll be good.
"'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep."
y'all are great. i'm feeling so much better than i did yesterday afternoon, and i so so so appreciate your prayers. i still don't have much direction for the future, but i'm currently not freaking out as much as i could. thanks again for your prayers and encouragement!!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
slight epiphany
do you ever get a song stuck in your head, only you don't really know the song, so just a few bars of it play over and over and over again? just wondering.
so my slight epiphany. i'm not sure where this fits in the realm of the mystical but realistic, but it was a slight truth.
so i was at a church service last night, and it was really good. the preacher guy kept saying stuff about being excited for what God is going to do during the service, and prayed that people's expectations should be raised, and other general comments of the sort. i found myself being skeptical (as usual) and taking a standoffish attitude. as i thought about it for a sec, i realized that i am frustrated and confused about where faith should override "realistic" expectations, and how i deal with crushed hopes. like when i expect God to do something, but He doesn't. it's one of those silly balances, it seems, that i am attempting to stay away from so that i don't get hurt. cos really, for me, that's what it's all about. i've been "burned" by church in several ways, and i've most certainly been dissappointed by God. or at least by what i've been taught to believe about God that in pracitce, doesn't really seem to be reality.
and today, i got an email from a friend overseas who is a missionary, and he asked that we would pray for a team that is supposed to come this summer. they are supposed to get their visas one day, and their flight leaves the next, so if there are any delays they're basically screwed. so i started praying for them real quick (i've learned that if i get emails like that and don't pray right away, there's a 99% chance i never will), and i prayed stuff like, "God, i pray for the team that is supposed to go to country x this summer. or at least, that's what they think You want them to do. i pray that if it is Your will, they will get their visas on time, or even early, and there will be no hangups that keep them from going this summer. God, i pray that they put their hope in You, and trust You with their plans, so they aren't crushed if it gets delayed, yet again, and can't go."
and at that minute, i realized that the wording is part of my problem... i really do have to put my hope in God, and not in the circumstances or plans of my life. my hope, at church services like last nite, is in Jesus. i want more of Him, i want more of what He wants, whatever that may be. i guess my (biggest) problem comes when i think i have it all figured out, when i think i know what God wants. and sometimes i do, but most of the time, i don't have a clue. or i've got only a clue, and not the big picture. it's never wrong to put my hope in Christ, but it is wrong to put my hope in anything else. like what i think should happen during a church service. or what i think i should be doing with my life, or where i expect to live 6 months from now. my hope rests in Christ. my hopes will never be crushed if my hope is set in Him.
yes, it is ok and good to have expectations, as long as my hope is not set soley on those expectations. i can stand up faith and say that "i believe that God wants to do this" or "Lord willing, this will happen", but if it doesn't, my hope won't be shattered.
Lord, bring more hope to my heart. let my heart rest in You, let my vision rest on You.
so my slight epiphany. i'm not sure where this fits in the realm of the mystical but realistic, but it was a slight truth.
so i was at a church service last night, and it was really good. the preacher guy kept saying stuff about being excited for what God is going to do during the service, and prayed that people's expectations should be raised, and other general comments of the sort. i found myself being skeptical (as usual) and taking a standoffish attitude. as i thought about it for a sec, i realized that i am frustrated and confused about where faith should override "realistic" expectations, and how i deal with crushed hopes. like when i expect God to do something, but He doesn't. it's one of those silly balances, it seems, that i am attempting to stay away from so that i don't get hurt. cos really, for me, that's what it's all about. i've been "burned" by church in several ways, and i've most certainly been dissappointed by God. or at least by what i've been taught to believe about God that in pracitce, doesn't really seem to be reality.
and today, i got an email from a friend overseas who is a missionary, and he asked that we would pray for a team that is supposed to come this summer. they are supposed to get their visas one day, and their flight leaves the next, so if there are any delays they're basically screwed. so i started praying for them real quick (i've learned that if i get emails like that and don't pray right away, there's a 99% chance i never will), and i prayed stuff like, "God, i pray for the team that is supposed to go to country x this summer. or at least, that's what they think You want them to do. i pray that if it is Your will, they will get their visas on time, or even early, and there will be no hangups that keep them from going this summer. God, i pray that they put their hope in You, and trust You with their plans, so they aren't crushed if it gets delayed, yet again, and can't go."
and at that minute, i realized that the wording is part of my problem... i really do have to put my hope in God, and not in the circumstances or plans of my life. my hope, at church services like last nite, is in Jesus. i want more of Him, i want more of what He wants, whatever that may be. i guess my (biggest) problem comes when i think i have it all figured out, when i think i know what God wants. and sometimes i do, but most of the time, i don't have a clue. or i've got only a clue, and not the big picture. it's never wrong to put my hope in Christ, but it is wrong to put my hope in anything else. like what i think should happen during a church service. or what i think i should be doing with my life, or where i expect to live 6 months from now. my hope rests in Christ. my hopes will never be crushed if my hope is set in Him.
yes, it is ok and good to have expectations, as long as my hope is not set soley on those expectations. i can stand up faith and say that "i believe that God wants to do this" or "Lord willing, this will happen", but if it doesn't, my hope won't be shattered.
Lord, bring more hope to my heart. let my heart rest in You, let my vision rest on You.
slight epiphany
do you ever get a song stuck in your head, only you don't really know the song, so just a few bars of it play over and over and over again? just wondering.
so my slight epiphany. i'm not sure where this fits in the realm of the mystical but realistic, but it was a slight truth.
so i was at a church service last night, and it was really good. the preacher guy kept saying stuff about being excited for what God is going to do during the service, and prayed that people's expectations should be raised, and other general comments of the sort. i found myself being skeptical (as usual) and taking a standoffish attitude. as i thought about it for a sec, i realized that i am frustrated and confused about where faith should override "realistic" expectations, and how i deal with crushed hopes. like when i expect God to do something, but He doesn't. it's one of those silly balances, it seems, that i am attempting to stay away from so that i don't get hurt. cos really, for me, that's what it's all about. i've been "burned" by church in several ways, and i've most certainly been dissappointed by God. or at least by what i've been taught to believe about God that in pracitce, doesn't really seem to be reality.
and today, i got an email from a friend overseas who is a missionary, and he asked that we would pray for a team that is supposed to come this summer. they are supposed to get their visas one day, and their flight leaves the next, so if there are any delays they're basically screwed. so i started praying for them real quick (i've learned that if i get emails like that and don't pray right away, there's a 99% chance i never will), and i prayed stuff like, "God, i pray for the team that is supposed to go to country x this summer. or at least, that's what they think You want them to do. i pray that if it is Your will, they will get their visas on time, or even early, and there will be no hangups that keep them from going this summer. God, i pray that they put their hope in You, and trust You with their plans, so they aren't crushed if it gets delayed, yet again, and can't go."
and at that minute, i realized that the wording is part of my problem... i really do have to put my hope in God, and not in the circumstances or plans of my life. my hope, at church services like last nite, is in Jesus. i want more of Him, i want more of what He wants, whatever that may be. i guess my (biggest) problem comes when i think i have it all figured out, when i think i know what God wants. and sometimes i do, but most of the time, i don't have a clue. or i've got only a clue, and not the big picture. it's never wrong to put my hope in Christ, but it is wrong to put my hope in anything else. like what i think should happen during a church service. or what i think i should be doing with my life, or where i expect to live 6 months from now. my hope rests in Christ. my hopes will never be crushed if my hope is set in Him.
yes, it is ok and good to have expectations, as long as my hope is not set soley on those expectations. i can stand up faith and say that "i believe that God wants to do this" or "Lord willing, this will happen", but if it doesn't, my hope won't be shattered.
Lord, bring more hope to my heart. let my heart rest in You, let my vision rest on You.
so my slight epiphany. i'm not sure where this fits in the realm of the mystical but realistic, but it was a slight truth.
so i was at a church service last night, and it was really good. the preacher guy kept saying stuff about being excited for what God is going to do during the service, and prayed that people's expectations should be raised, and other general comments of the sort. i found myself being skeptical (as usual) and taking a standoffish attitude. as i thought about it for a sec, i realized that i am frustrated and confused about where faith should override "realistic" expectations, and how i deal with crushed hopes. like when i expect God to do something, but He doesn't. it's one of those silly balances, it seems, that i am attempting to stay away from so that i don't get hurt. cos really, for me, that's what it's all about. i've been "burned" by church in several ways, and i've most certainly been dissappointed by God. or at least by what i've been taught to believe about God that in pracitce, doesn't really seem to be reality.
and today, i got an email from a friend overseas who is a missionary, and he asked that we would pray for a team that is supposed to come this summer. they are supposed to get their visas one day, and their flight leaves the next, so if there are any delays they're basically screwed. so i started praying for them real quick (i've learned that if i get emails like that and don't pray right away, there's a 99% chance i never will), and i prayed stuff like, "God, i pray for the team that is supposed to go to country x this summer. or at least, that's what they think You want them to do. i pray that if it is Your will, they will get their visas on time, or even early, and there will be no hangups that keep them from going this summer. God, i pray that they put their hope in You, and trust You with their plans, so they aren't crushed if it gets delayed, yet again, and can't go."
and at that minute, i realized that the wording is part of my problem... i really do have to put my hope in God, and not in the circumstances or plans of my life. my hope, at church services like last nite, is in Jesus. i want more of Him, i want more of what He wants, whatever that may be. i guess my (biggest) problem comes when i think i have it all figured out, when i think i know what God wants. and sometimes i do, but most of the time, i don't have a clue. or i've got only a clue, and not the big picture. it's never wrong to put my hope in Christ, but it is wrong to put my hope in anything else. like what i think should happen during a church service. or what i think i should be doing with my life, or where i expect to live 6 months from now. my hope rests in Christ. my hopes will never be crushed if my hope is set in Him.
yes, it is ok and good to have expectations, as long as my hope is not set soley on those expectations. i can stand up faith and say that "i believe that God wants to do this" or "Lord willing, this will happen", but if it doesn't, my hope won't be shattered.
Lord, bring more hope to my heart. let my heart rest in You, let my vision rest on You.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
i can never think of an interesting title...
i'm an hour and a half away from wishing everyone (esp matt) a happy white rabbit day. :-D
i'm thinking i'd rather do a triathalon than the half marathon. check it out: 1km swim, 14m bike, 5k run. sound like fun? suzanne was telling me about it, and i think she may have convinced me.
speaking of suzanne, we had a lovely time in DC this weekend. i got to see dustin and clayton, who shared a huge chunk of life with me for 5 months, and i haven't seen them since thanksgiving. way fun. so good. we went to the holocaust museum, took a tour of the capital, navigated the metro (i LOVE public transport!!), went "scrambling" at great falls, walked out of a restaurant, visited with her aunts, endured the heat, took some fun pics, generally had fun and didn't kill each other in the 3 days we spent together! woohoo!!
i'm with sam. i always think of good things to put on my blog when they happen, then i blank out when it comes time to write. not that anyone reads this. especially when i don't post for weeks at a time.
i would LOVE to move to dc. i really would. unfortunately, it would cost an arm and a leg to live there, so perhaps i'll get a decent job and save up some dinero first. they've got public transport (did i mention how much i love that?!), great hills and parks for hiking and scrambling, lots to do when bored, people from every ethnic background, and food from every ethnic background (even better!). i love the city, and the buildings aren't too high that you can't see the sky (very important!!) i so so wish i could live there!!
speaking of jobs, i won't have one in less than 3 weeks. kind of scary, kind of exciting. mostly, i'm just glad i won't have to deal with punk high schoolers anymore, at least not in that capacity. at least for the summer. we'll see what happens next fall!!!
i'm really sick of this never knowing what i'm going to do with my life thing. i'm sick of not knowing how i'm going to pay my bills in a matter of weeks. i'm sick of not having a purpose or direction for my life, nothing i can point to and say "that is what i'll be doing, or that is who i'll be, or that is what my life will be like". it's really quite frustrating. among other things.
i hate than when i take an honest look at my heart and life, i get freaked out and depressed and miserable and a whole slew of other negative emotions that i just can't handle and have no answers for. my response is just to close my heart and harden it so it can't be hurt any more. i know that isn't the "healthiest" response, but i don't know what else to do, really. it just kind of sucks.
i hate it even more when i'm actually doing ok about being happy about life, and not being miserable or lonely or anything, and wham, there i am again, back in that old place again. and it really sucks.
so on that happy note, i depart.
happy white rabbit day eve.
i'm thinking i'd rather do a triathalon than the half marathon. check it out: 1km swim, 14m bike, 5k run. sound like fun? suzanne was telling me about it, and i think she may have convinced me.
speaking of suzanne, we had a lovely time in DC this weekend. i got to see dustin and clayton, who shared a huge chunk of life with me for 5 months, and i haven't seen them since thanksgiving. way fun. so good. we went to the holocaust museum, took a tour of the capital, navigated the metro (i LOVE public transport!!), went "scrambling" at great falls, walked out of a restaurant, visited with her aunts, endured the heat, took some fun pics, generally had fun and didn't kill each other in the 3 days we spent together! woohoo!!
i'm with sam. i always think of good things to put on my blog when they happen, then i blank out when it comes time to write. not that anyone reads this. especially when i don't post for weeks at a time.
i would LOVE to move to dc. i really would. unfortunately, it would cost an arm and a leg to live there, so perhaps i'll get a decent job and save up some dinero first. they've got public transport (did i mention how much i love that?!), great hills and parks for hiking and scrambling, lots to do when bored, people from every ethnic background, and food from every ethnic background (even better!). i love the city, and the buildings aren't too high that you can't see the sky (very important!!) i so so wish i could live there!!
speaking of jobs, i won't have one in less than 3 weeks. kind of scary, kind of exciting. mostly, i'm just glad i won't have to deal with punk high schoolers anymore, at least not in that capacity. at least for the summer. we'll see what happens next fall!!!
i'm really sick of this never knowing what i'm going to do with my life thing. i'm sick of not knowing how i'm going to pay my bills in a matter of weeks. i'm sick of not having a purpose or direction for my life, nothing i can point to and say "that is what i'll be doing, or that is who i'll be, or that is what my life will be like". it's really quite frustrating. among other things.
i hate than when i take an honest look at my heart and life, i get freaked out and depressed and miserable and a whole slew of other negative emotions that i just can't handle and have no answers for. my response is just to close my heart and harden it so it can't be hurt any more. i know that isn't the "healthiest" response, but i don't know what else to do, really. it just kind of sucks.
i hate it even more when i'm actually doing ok about being happy about life, and not being miserable or lonely or anything, and wham, there i am again, back in that old place again. and it really sucks.
so on that happy note, i depart.
happy white rabbit day eve.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
owwww
so my legs ached a bit today after my run yesterday, so i was anxious to run again. i wanted to stretch 'em out and work out some of the soreness. yeah... didn't happen. i could still see my house when the running stopped. i groaned in disappointment. but i sorta kept going... i went the mile around the loop back to my house, but walked more of it than i jogged.
then i got in my car and measured how far it was that i went yesterday... in 1.7 inches of rain... 2.7 miles. fun stuff!
so i realized that here in VB, we are about 4 weeks (or more) behind oklahoma, weather-wise. well, spring/summer heat-wise. the weather that greets oklahoma at OU graduation time (may 13) will meet us high-school graduation time (june 17). it is freaking cold here and i want it to be warm!!!
i saw a quote on lynn's AIM profile that i'd like to claim for me... at least give it a good thinkin' on.
"I'd like to quit thinking of the present as some minor insignificant preamble to something else." --Sean
i think i officially decided today that teaching isn't for me. i think i'm ok with walking out of school on friday, june 16 and never stepping into a high school again. at least until i have kids. we'll see how long this lasts, or if i end up subbing next fall. if i have other things to do, it might be fine, but as a "full time" job, it is waaay too boring for me.
that's all, folks!
then i got in my car and measured how far it was that i went yesterday... in 1.7 inches of rain... 2.7 miles. fun stuff!
so i realized that here in VB, we are about 4 weeks (or more) behind oklahoma, weather-wise. well, spring/summer heat-wise. the weather that greets oklahoma at OU graduation time (may 13) will meet us high-school graduation time (june 17). it is freaking cold here and i want it to be warm!!!
i saw a quote on lynn's AIM profile that i'd like to claim for me... at least give it a good thinkin' on.
"I'd like to quit thinking of the present as some minor insignificant preamble to something else." --Sean
i think i officially decided today that teaching isn't for me. i think i'm ok with walking out of school on friday, june 16 and never stepping into a high school again. at least until i have kids. we'll see how long this lasts, or if i end up subbing next fall. if i have other things to do, it might be fine, but as a "full time" job, it is waaay too boring for me.
that's all, folks!
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