well, i am back in VA. thank you so much to all my friends and family who have welcomed me so well! i truly feel loved and am so blessed so much to know you all.
on the other hand, i don't want to be here. my heart is a mess and i don't expect it to be "put back together" anytime soon. rachel mentioned re-entry culture shock being much worse than she expected, and i guess that is the best way to describe what i am feeling. i feel myself slipping back into old habits from when i lived here before, even tho my thoughts and attitudes toward those actions have changed. for example, having lived out of a backpack for more than 2 months, i realize i don't need most of what i own. i am thankful to have my material possessions, but they shouldn't and don't own me. yet as i drove thru hilltop this afternoon, i was very tempted to go into target, just to see what they have that i might want, and possibly buy it.
one thing that is hard is that my favorite part of my trip was the last part... the backpacker's tour in morocco. i absolutely loved it and "came alive" in a sense... i loved the people in our group (even tho a few got on my nerves at times), especially the aussies ;-). i loved experiencing another culture so different from my own, and different from most of what i saw and experienced in europe. i loved travelling in a new way (africa! not quite as easy as europe...). i loved the food; it was probably the best i'd eaten my whole trip. i loved the sense of expectation every corner held, the beauty of just about every moment, the fullness of living life that i felt. i was basically in love with it all. (minus the unwanted advances of a few men.)
i know that life cannot be lived on a "high" like that trip was, but man, i want to try! i got up early my first morning home and went down to the beach for sunrise, and went jogging. it was amazing. it was sort of a continuation of "living life to the full" that i started thinking about 5 years ago. (remember, shane?)
so now i am here, sorting out what my life should and needs to look like. i am trying to figure out who i really am, and what i am really called to, and how to love living this life, and not just "get through" it, as i had basically been doing before i left. and yes, some seasons will be hard and worse than others, and i don't expect to be living the dream life forever, but man, something out there has to be better than the existence i was eeking out before.
now i just have to figure out what that is.
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Hey, Dianne,
Don't be so hard on yourself. I cannot completely understand your point of view, of course, but I am trying. It's okay to be impulsive and see what Target has; shopping can be fun. But, yeah, I think I get what your bigger point was about slipping into materialism.... I'm glad you made it home, and I'm glad you got to travel for a couple months. I know, I feel as lost as you do... I was so driven as a freshman, and now as a senior, I feel a bit like Ariel (from Disney's The Little Mermaid) when she gets her legs and she is standing awkwardly (Scuttle has just covered her with a sail) the prince comes toward her and her bewildered eyes grow wide. I feel like that's what will happen upon graduation---I will be thrust into the world on shakey, new legs. But honestly, I don't think any of us know where we are going. By God's Grace, our hearts will be directed down an awesome, wonderful, exciting path! Have faith, Dianne. (I have to tell you, I spent nearly 2 hours reading your blog. I had read through Sept. 14th, and then my life became a busy whirlwind. I will e-mail all the details to you later). God Bless You!
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